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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Ambra_Flows

Talking to our families about our cousin romance

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Guest Maggie

Hello, I am in the craziest situation in the world! I am going through a divorce right now. Things are over between my husband and I, and now I am in love with my cousin. His Mom is my mother's 1st cousin, so I think it makes him my 3rd cousin? I reunited with my cousin about a month ago at his graduation party. We have been texting each other everyday since. We have seen eachother a few times between then and now and are currently going through fears of losing eachother if our families find out.

He is about to go to college next month, and is 18. I am 23, and I have a 7 month old daughter (not biologically tied to my husband). We are making plans that after his first year of college we'll move in together.

So far, I have done so much research to answer questions about, right and wrong biblically, family effects, legalities, etc. etc...and it was so refreshing to find this site! OMG! We were sick to our stomachs with all these fears! Now, my cousin and I aren't sure when we will tell our families, but we can rest assured that we'll know how to do it. I never would have thought of a letter, and it was the most encouraging thing to read.

I guess I just want to say that I am so glad that I found this site that I can relate to. I was just in a situation with my cousin through texting where his Mom almost found out about our relationship because she read a message from me on his phone, and it scared us both to death! I couldn't stand it anymore and almost threw up at the thought of losing him, so I came to my computer and googled this website. It made me feel 99.9% better, and that much more confident at the fact I will have to explain my cousin-romance to my family. But they are huge in their walks with God, and following what is right according to Him.

And now that I have biblical proof that there isn't anything wrong with my cousin-romance, I hope that they will accept it. At least now I know I am not committing a sin in the eyes of my Savior. Thank you.

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Maggie,

Welcome.

If your mothers are first cousins, you would be second cousins. (Been there....)

When I was 17/18 my GF was 23. I shan't judge that part of the equation. I don't know how long you have been married, and I certainly won't guess at the circumstances. There do seem to be some issues though. I would suggest you deal with these things before you go further with Cuz.

Biblically, you are on solid ground, and legally, nearly anywhere in the world you are on solid legal ground. The family drama, don't worry about. They will either get over it, or get under it. Second cousins are legal in all 50. ( I ASS U ME you are in the US.) Biblically, the shacking up after his first year of college is an issue, but I've shacked up with all three wives, several GF's, and would have with Cuz if she had so desired. I'll remain neutral there as well, except to say that I was that age, shacking up back and forth a week at a time between my place and 23 yr old GF's place, and school suffered. By the time me and Cuz had our moment, school was all but over for me. If you really want to do right by Cuz, KEEP HIS ASS IN SCHOOL at least till he gets an associates degree in SOMETHING! Get your drama under control at the same time, and hopefully, you will both come out with meshing gears and be on the run from there. There really is something to be said for that particular age spread, in that the difference in life expectancy jives to where it has the potential for a long life together, and not much time apart at the end.....

Good luck, and I'll also say, God Bless........since you are thus inclined. :)

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Guest Maggie

Thank you so much for the welcome Hawk! And thank you for the advice and concern. Drama with my husband isn't an issue. We were already seperated by the time my cousin came around. And I plan on keeping his butt in school and being his support person. It's only a plan right now for the shacking up, and will depend on circumstances with me and my daughter, and how that goes. Yes, we are in the U.S.A., and live a couple towns away from eachother in CO, at the moment. And that's hard enough.

I'll admitt he and I have gone pretty far in our relationship already, and I know that is a fault in me. It has really been hard not to with all the most intense feelings I've ever had for someone. I am not perfect. But everything feels so right with him, and some of the things I think and say are things I never thought and said before to anyone! Sometimes I am beside myself in amazment. We are constantly making each other's jaws drop, and it's the best thing to ever happen to me! I want nothing more than for him to accomplish every dream and goal he has in life, and that I can be there for him while he does them! He makes me feel like I'm the best, and wealthiest person person alive! That I can do anything, and be anything that I want to be and I know he'll be there for me too. There just aren't enough words to describe what I'm going through with him in my life. I love him tremendously!

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Guest Maggie

Hi again Hawk! I reread your reply, and had a couple more things to say. It takes about 3 months or so for the divorce to finalize, which this is my husbands and my second divorce to eachother. And in a year or so after that my cousin bf and I wanted to shack up in the same town he's going to school in. We also had the thought of moving out of state soon after that, maybe transfer from his college to another...?? We want to be away from our past histories of all the drama and BS from before each other with exes, etc.,and the drama probably coming from our families. Is that a good idea? We are just thinking about our future, and the possiblities. Thanks!

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Guest lovesickmomma

Hey there everyone...I used to be Maggie, but the site was rejecting something so I am now on here as lovesickmomma...Sorry about that!

Um, I have a couple of questions that I need advice on...My cousin bf is going to college a couple of towns away, and I was wondering that if I moved up there, and his parents find out, is there anything they can do to me or cause any trouble for me if I'm not harrassing anybody?

I am concerned bcuz I have an 8 month old daughter, and I don't want anything to happen to me or her.

I am going to be 24, and my parents understand I am an adult and will do what I want with my life, so I know they won't cause problems for me. My cousin bf is going to be 19 this year. He is a legal adult and they don't want us to be in contact anymore at all. They made him break up with me through a text and took away his phone, and made him delete me from his facebook account so we can't ever talk. BUT...two nights later he contacted me and told me he set up a fake facebook account bcuz he couldn't handle breaking things off with me. Now we know that we can't trust our families for support, but we can't endure losing eachother completely...what should we do?

His parents pay for his car, and his phone (which was taken), AND for his college funding...My question is, can there be a way for me to live in the same town as him without his parents finding out?

I understand I can't tell my family where I am going bcuz they will tell his parents. Would I have to break complete contact with my family in order to live in the same town as my cousin bf? Is there a way we can be completely secretive about our relationship, until things cool down?

Concerned...there are just so many questons that I need answers to...please help me?

His mother fought with me all night and into the next day through messages on facebook about the whole thing. I told her all my intentions with my bf, and how he made me feel, and what I felt for him, but she wouldn't hear it. I can't ever go through another breakup like that again! It hurt so bad I couldn't eat, or sleep, or breathe every time I cried. I have never felt this way for anybody, and I will do whatever I have to in order to keep him a part of my life!

Somebody help ease my mind and heart!?

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lovesickmomma,

Maggie, I once got chapped a little here for suggesting an older female cuz find a way to stay in contact with a younger male cuz. However, he was under 18. Since that is not an issue, you can stay in touch with him the best you can. HOWEVER, his parents are well within their rights to take his phone, car and college $$$ if he (and by extension, you) piss them off. The chance of you being in the same town as him and it not being found out are virtually nil.

I would say the smart thing to do, would be to cool the jets a little, let things calm down, stay in touch as best you can, and let him get his school out of the way without you two having to figure out how to pay for it. Even if you have a job, think of this: You have a young child, and are a single mother, for all intents and purposes. An expensive proposition I hear. (I don't have kids, but I've been Dad twice, so I DO know....) On top of that, you are going to take on tuition and all the expenses of a student? Another expensive proposition I hear. Hope you have a real good job....

You are not so far into this that a little sneaking around wouldn't be exciting. Just remember, keep your heads on straight, and you deal with your drama, make sure it doesn't get in the way of his schooling, and take it slowly. Once he is out of school, there is a better than average chance he (and by extension, you) will be moving SOMEWHERE to work anyhow. Get that all set up and ready to go before you do any "spilling the beans" to the family. They will most likely be furious at the two of you for "using them for their $$$", but they have offered, and so long as you don't get in the way of his grades, they are getting what they are paying for.

Speaking of which, maybe the admins can move this interaction of ours to the main part of the Help/Advice page so as we do not totally hijack this thread..... (Hello Boss, CM, or Lady C????)

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Guest Mvuyisi

I needed to hear that- thanx

U knw after contant criticism frm my family I was starting to doubt my self

Now I feel ready to take em on-

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Guest gemluvsrick

I think this is good! me and my cousin are worried about telling family.. writing letters i think sounds good!

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Guest pv

Hi All,

I too in the same situation. I am in the neck point of marriage. I don't how to say my love towards my cousin to my parents and stop this marriage activities. I need to read the LadyC letter and the link mentioned is broken.. If you have any please post it:-)

Thanks in advance...

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Amber_Flows:

      What a fantastic piece of advice about letters!  It comes almost 50 years too late for my cousin and me, but I'm glad to see from the discussion that it's helping and encouraging a lot of people who can benefit from your wise advice.  :ok:

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wonderful for cousin couples. we're more than a yr in our relationship w/ my first cousin. and we already have a pretty baby girl(1month old). our baby's healthy and in good condition. both of our parents have already accepted our cousin relationship, but my parents wont allow us to live together because we're not yet married, sad thing is we're filipinos and cousin marriage is not allowed here in the philippines. my parents have already did the best that they can to let us get marry but the judge wont marry us. so for now, we're striving hard to save more to get marry outside the country.

just wanna encourage those worried cousin couples of having a baby, not to worry because first cousin couples are perfect genes. as i know, birth defects only goes out from third cousins?

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Guest scockerell1

Hey can any body help me understand something, what should i do if my girl aka cousin mom trys and call the police on us for being together? why cant we be together

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Guest nondicenumquam

I am new and for a long time thought something must be wrong with me.  After years my cousin and I both came out to each other with our feelings through numerous "wish you weren't my cousin" comments that kept escalating.  I tried not to let it out but I couldn't stop it.  Now we are "coming out of the closet" with our families and we were both very nervous.  She actually went first, well her mom started it out by telling her it was ok before she told her mom.  I can't wait to tell everyone but am also nervous, especially my kids and my mother,,,,  I know I sound chicken, but this whole site has really helped but especially this thread.  Thanks everyone.

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Guest Kay

this is very helpful and encouraging, thank you! I just have one question... because he is underage and im not, and his mum found out from another cousin (and i think she might be upset as she forbade anyone in her house from talking to me..) how do i write to her? i feel like apologizing a lot, but that might seem like i know she has a right to hate me.. i think her concern is that he is the youngest so she sees him as his little boy and she thinks i forced him to do stuff or something.. but i don't know, is 17 and 20 that bad? i felt bad before but now im confused.. i dont know what to say to her! thank u in advance!

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Kay, at the time, yes she has a legal and parental right to protect her son from you.

I don't know where you are,but if you are in the USA you could have to register as

a sex offender if the situation was pursued by his parents.

As Hawk says, get your nose in the books, get an education, put this on the back burner way down low

and wait  a couple of years. Let your cousin reach the age that neither of you have to worry about the law

and/or possibly irate parents.

What at any other time would not be looked upon as a bad difference in age, is just that when one

of the couple is still considered a minor.

Lay low, take it easy and wait.

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Guest AlejandroM77

This article is extremely helpful for couples facing difficult parents. Especially when latinos having to deal with Christianity and Dysfunctional subjects. I always opted to live in a "LIE" but everyone knew my cousin and I were together since teens. I happened to be on the side of the family that believed I was the "example" for other family members. I never chose to be "liked" or "chosen" to set that "example". All I know is that, I did just about EVERYTHING a human being can do to stay away from my beloved wife now. This woman has ALWAYS been there for me. She has shown me that when LOVE is pure and there is no lust/nasty thoughts about one another; God ALWAYS helps you find the way. This past Sunday; I was about to leave the Country to run away from my wife simply because my mother, sister, aunts and other family members and friends bombarded me with all kinds of "wrong" comments. I was afraid I would stand in between my wife and her one and only chance to be HAPPY and FREE from judging. However, something deep within me told me I was wrong and COULD NOT leave! Sure enough!! God, once again, blessed us with the most wonderful news: We are pregnant and, almost confirmed we'll be having TWINS!!!!

About a year ago, I was diagnosed with Testicular Cancer. She never turned her back against me and told me she would be with me even if we had to adopt or, simply; live life together as the "uncle and auntie". I was blessed with the right treatment just in time to be able to conceive. Unfortunately, my uncle; her dad passed away at 45 yrs old due to alcoholism. He always supported us and believed in our true love. To our surprise; the expected date of the arrival of our babies is EXACTLY the same day my uncle died of 2013. Again!! GOD BLESSED US and regardless of my uncle's early departure; he's made certain we receive the BEST GIFT life could have ever given us! I LOVE YOU TIO CHUY! Donde quiera que este mi tiito!

PLEASE DON'T EVER TURN YOUR BACK TO HAPPINESS. ACCEPT WHAT GOD GIVES YOU WITH HUMBLENESS AND YOUR FAMILY WILL ACCEPT YOU NO MATTER WHAT!!! Much love and the best to you BRAVE cousin couples out there!

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Guest priya149

Marriage Facts? has many useful marriage facts that you could include in your letter including information about the risk of birth defects of children from married cousins.

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Guest reza

Different families respond differently to the subject of cousin-romance, and this seems partially due to one?s culture. Some families go to extraordinary lengths to keep a cousin couple apart.

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Guest reza

this is very helpful and encouraging, thank you! I just have one question... because he is underage and im not, and his mum found out from another cousin (and i think she might be upset as she forbade anyone in her house from talking to me..) how do i write to her? i feel like apologizing a lot, but that might seem like i know she has a right to hate me.. i think her concern is that he is the youngest so she sees him as his little boy and she thinks i forced him to do stuff or something..  but i don't know, is 17 and 20 that bad? i felt bad before but now im confused.. i dont know what to say to her! thank u in advance!

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hi

i am in love with my cousin n he also love me but from few months he is avoiding me n asking me to forget him because he cant hurt his family pls help me how to make him realize about our relationship just for his family he is hurting me daily i love him so much and cant forget him pls let me kno if there is any solution i belongs to a hindu rajput's family

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I wish we could tell our parents but not right now. they are very Christian and would think its so wrong they would probably disown us.. Its been hard trying to secretly love and be in a relationship with your cousin and trying to keep it a secret.idk if we will ever tell our family

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