avalush

Unsure of how to convince him to tell his parents

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So I started dating my second cousin.  I am 32 and he is 34. Things were great at first, he made me feel complete.  He told me he was very shy and usually let the girl do most of the advances, so when he told me he only wanted me and no other girl I asked him if he wanted to go steady and he said yes =) So while we were dating, I found out he was my second cousin.  But i still threw passion to the wind and decided to give it a chance.  To me a secound cousin is not too close for it to feel wrong .  My best friend has 2nd cousin parents. I grew up thinking it was just normal to be with someone you loved, even it was a second cousin. To others it does seem morally wrong .  Here is the huge problem.  I made a huge mistake and told my mother way too soon.  I thought she would understand.  She said she would keep an open mind, then one day asked me , did he tell his parents yet? I said no hes really scared about it.  She said he has to tell them or she will, unless I stop seeing him.  So I told him and he got really nervous and said hes not ready to tell his parents and is unsure when he will be.  So now I cannot see him.  I don't know what to do .  He told me he doesn't know how to deal with the disappointment frmo his parents, he is sure they will be disapointed.  I have been waiting for him to tell me if its over or if he will tell his parents and face the dissapointment,(which no one knows for sure) and I am just confused as to why he wont tell them =(  He said he really doesn't see himself telling them.  I don't know what to do. I am in love with him. He also said he needed time to think, and it was really stressing him out , he missed 2 days of college because of the worry of telling his parents.  Any advice would be great.  He is the sweetest guy I know and just doesn't want to hurt his parents.  I wish there was a way I could take that hurt away from them if they did find out .  I don't know what to do . 

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avalush,

While it is understandable for him to want to please his parents, and not disappoint them, he is NOT 17. He is twice that age. At some point he really must begin to live his life for him. If you make him happy, he should be more concerned for YOUR feelings as opposed to theirs. If they have a problem with it, it is THEIR problem, NOT his OR yours. Going from your profile, where you are, FIRST cousins can legally marry, (which is still way out in front of where you two are at this point) so SECOND cousins are certainly "good to go." At 34, it's WAY past time for him to cut the apron strings, spread his little wings, and fly on his own. His parents WILL come around to the idea, and so will yours. You two have potential. It's high time to get on with the business of getting down to it. Bring him here and show him your thread, and my response. He needs to, as I say, "cowboy up" and go for it. Time marches on, and he's a wasting it.........

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And you aren't 16 and under your parents control, so why are you

letting your mother tell you you can't see him?

You are an adult and capable of making your own choices.

Don't let her blackmail you into doing what she wants.

I agree with Hawk on the advice he has given. ( Course I usually do!!)

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As these two have mentioned, you both are over 30, why on earth are you listening to your mother about being able to see him? I'm only 20 years of age and when my parents tried telling me how to live my life with my second cousin I surely showed them who ran my life and when i did they have became more opened to the fact that i'm old enough to make my own decisions.

And as for him, I do understand him not wanting to make his parents upset, for no one wants to hurt the people who raised them, but if he truely loves you then he would be finding it well worth it to inform them on his life decisions he wants to make. LadyC has written up a really good letter that i wish even I got to use that's on this website, maybe you should check it out and tell him about it ( Just and idea ).

But on another note, hope everything works out for the best for you two!

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apparently he doesn't handle stress very well :( sigh.  He just shuts down if the stress is too much for him. 

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I'm sorry if this sounds brutal but the hard, cold fact is if he finds this so stressful, how is he going to cope with the trials and tribulations of a serious relationship? I could understand it if he were 16 or 17, but not 34. Have you two had sex yet? (I really don't want an answer to that). How would he cope if you got pregnant? Do you think he could cope with raising children?

I think you should consider cutting your losses, painful as that will be, and move on with your life.

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We both made it clear we did not want children anytime in the future, when we were together.  I understand what your saying though. 

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I'm not sure you do understand what SQ is saying.  Forget that she mentioned pregnancy... (BTW, you do know that even though the two have you have said that you don't want children anytime soon, it is still possible for pregnancy to occur?)  That's not really the heart of what she's getting at.

By your own admission this guy does not handle stress well.  He missed two days of college classes for worrying over telling his parents about you??!! Life is messy and difficult at times.  What kind of man will he be when faced with a child born with a disability, a teenager who is late for curfew, when one of you is fired from a job, when there's 2 weeks left in the month and you are down to your last $100, when the car breaks down, the sink is leaking and he left his car windows rolled down during a thunderstorm?  Are you going to be the one trying to hold things together while he falls apart during life's difficulties?

He has given you a glimpse into what kind of man he is.  Sweet?  Maybe.  Kind?  I'm sure he is.  But is he even able to handle the stress of life, much less the "stress" of maintaining a relationship with his 2nd cousin?  Unless he decides to "cowboy up" as Hawk so eloquently stated, are YOU sure that this is the type of man YOU want? 

I don't mean to sound like I am trampling on the man you adore.  But I just hate to see you make excuses for him (He's the sweetest guy I know), while you are sitting on the sidelines waiting for him to man up and put your needs first. 

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It's been almost a year since I posted here.  Just decided to update it to show people that 2nd cousin relationships can work.  I know he was scared at first, and after we broke up we took a week apart then he decided to get back together.  He did tell his parents about me, and I kept it a secret from mine for awhile until he was ready to let his family know.  In the end it all worked out. 

We are both in love and happy, and it's been 11 months now that we have been together, although it really doesn't feel that long, at all.  I am very glad I met my soulmate , and I hope you all do too :)

Life is too short to worry about what others think about you and your relationships.

I'll admit it's definately not one of the most easiest relationships, his mother is "ok" with it as long as we don't get married or have kids (no idea why she thinks that) .  Then again we haven't met yet, she lives kinda far.

But I do have some advice , if you are planning on being in a relationship like this, do not get your parents involved so quickly.  It didn't work out so well in my situation, at first, lol.

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Avalush, you have given me so much hope! I too have fallen in love with my second cousin, he is 29 and I'm 26. we have been together over a year, living together for 4 months. His parents are forcing him to choose between me or them, thre refuse to accept it. They say it's wrong and that we need to end it.

Although we don't have children together, I have a 5 year old girl and a 3 year old son. He has an 8 year old son... His biggest fear is our kids getting made fun of in school because we live in a small town. He too is worried about his friends and co-workers making fun of him.

Any advice?

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ley_b:Your cousin will have to face his fears like everyone else here. For some perspective, remember that 2nd cousins are about as related as random pairing. In other words, you two share the same percentage of DNA as "strangers." You certainly should not feel compelled to tell every Tom, Dick, and Harry that you are related. None of his co-workers will figure this out on their own. We've had couples on here who didn't know they were 2nd cousins until after their marriage :)

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