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CousinILoveYou

Confession: The woman I want to make happy

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A part of me hopes somehow my cousin will be reading this. A part of me wants this to be a confession. So much so that I do not mind telling you I am in Massachusetts. Yet a part of me could never come out right and say any of this, as much as I might want to.

I think if we are being honest with ourselves as people, we all have that dream of that "right" person. That person is obviously, not perfect, as they too have flaws just like the rest of us, but still, we have that image of what it would be like to find that right person. The sad truth is, many of us just settle over time for "as good as it gets". I have met the woman of my dreams and when I first saw her, I honestly thought I was hallucinating. No woman could ever look, that good. Yet there she was for my eyes to behold and nothing has ever changed that.
 
I care very little about what my family thinks of me, especially my mother's side of the family in particular.  To keep it short, we have nothing to do with these people and these folks put the "D" in dysfunctional (I can explain later if anyone wishes).  I do not mean to rant about that side of my family, but you need to understand how it is possible for you to have a grown cousin and not even know it.  With that said, there is a diamond in the ruff, as she turned out to be a pretty decent human being, even though I'm confident, more than often they do not nearly let her know that, as they should.  I know she deserves so much better.

Imagine being at what should be awake, yet has managed to turn into a block party, where the police have to come to the house concerning the noise (twice).  You are related to only 10 people there and the other 80+ who are all around the property, including running off into the street, are no way related to you at all and at which point, even neighbors from the surrounding neighborhood are joining in.  The food and drink are good, the music is playing, some folks are dancing, you're getting to know all sorts of new people, and you're having a good time all things considering.  You've managed to avoid all your relative (the 10 that are there) and you suddenly see a woman who cannot possibly be related to you.

To say my cousin is beautiful is like saying the sun is bright, as it would be painfully obvious to even a blind man.  But it is more than just her good looks, she's smart, funny, equally a good talker and a good listener.  There is a heavenly warmth about her, an electric feeling in the air, the kind the just uplifts you, and nearly makes you believe anything is possible, as though if you could put your mind hard enough to it, you could fly.  I can honestly say, no one has ever made me feel like that and still, no one else has.

I can still remember, after talking with her for a while, wanting to know her even more, pulling out my phone to get her number, feeling more confident and good about life, and my uncle, 1 of the 9 other people who I am actually related to out of the growing 80+ unrelated strangers, coming over, and saying, "Oh, I see you two met.  This is your cousin". 

Looks of surprise fell on both our faces, I still recall the awkward feeling filling the air, even though we were outside and for me, it lasted only a second.  For a second, only for a second, I paused, with the newly founded news, searching on how I was feeling and still trying to read her, and after that second, the fact that she was my cousin, did not matter and I proceeded as though the knowledge that this was my cousin, had never been delivered.  In my eyes, all I could see is a profoundly beautiful woman, the kind that no wise man, could ever doubt or pass up the opportunity to know better.  I would have been a fool, to walk away from her.  I continued talking to her and eventually asked if she'd like to go hang out at the local town fair, which she agreed.

Perhaps her sister, who I was aware of (the cousin I was aware of), felt the chemistry or read the growing vibe as we continued to sit together, laughing, and just talking about this and that.  Because she soon came over, hovered over us, and actually tried to physically sit between us.  This game of musical chairs would play for a while, as each of us would get up to get a drink and reposition ourselves closer, and anytime "AV" sat next to me her sister felt the need to break us apart for one reason or another.  I believe my uncle may have noticed at some point because now he was offering to get our drinks, and I suspect it was to keep us parked with her sister sitting smack in the middle.  Of course, the atmosphere changed while they were there, and we kept our conversation to simple, "small talk".

Sometime later, when I came to pick up "AV" to go to the local town fair, her sister was on the way out (AV planned the time, so we could have some time to talk before going out).  We were probably alone for perhaps 5 minutes, before her sister came running back up the stairs, and proclaimed that her boyfriend was going to come over, as opposed to her coming to him. 

By the time we were going to go to the fair, her sister wanted to come with, and we both looked at each other and at the same time said, "Oh good".  We, after all, had no valid excuse to be rude and ask her not come, but it was clear she was going to act as chaperone all night, as everything "AV" or I wanted to do, her sister either thought it would be dull or she couldn't do it since she brought her, then young baby along.  We still went on some of the rides, despite the occasional protest from her sister.  While on some of the rides, we got to talking without being listened in on.  Eventually, AV's sister had her boyfriend come to the fair to take the baby home, which she should have done herself (earlier) since it was dark (night) and cold outside.

The last ride, which was simply the "merry-go-round", AV decided to sit with me in one of the smaller carts (not a horse).  AV leaned on me, which caused a knee-jerk reaction for me to put my arm around her, and that definitely got a reaction from her sister.  Suddenly she too wanted to fit into this small cart and she squeezed herself next to "AV".  The whole time I kept my arm right where it was, while AV continues to lean in on me, only now it was more for the purpose to make room for her sister, which pushed poor "AV" in the middle.  Although her sister was giving me dirty looks and told "AV" she could rest on her, and much to my surprise "AV" stayed press up against me.

After the ride, her sister promptly pronounces that it's time for them to go home.  "AV" starts to insist that she can go without her and that she'll catch up (go home later). But her sister continues to insist, and eventually, they both go home.

"AV" called me a few times and I called her, but our schedules never seemed to match up. Except for one time when I came to the house again, only for her sister's original plans to go out were once again changed. Our schedules never seemed to match up after that.  Soon after, AV started to date a few different people as time passed on.   I did too, but I keep in contact through Facebook.

What I know of "AV" is she is a strong woman, just as much as she would rather not go it alone.  A balance of the two, though she at times she tries to hide it.  Just as I know, her family talks so much trash about her and tries to control her, which only puts her into a whirl-wind and spiral.  The beauty in her is she is less like them and more of a good soul.  She is a free spirit who does not want to be held down, yet wishes to fly and although she is not perfect and she has made some mistakes, so have I (haven't we all?).

The men, "AV" ended up dating are real losers and so many times, I wanted to tell her how much more she deserves.  But while she was dating, I played the role of the concerned cousin and not the role of the man who wanted to give her so much more out of life.  There was one time in particular, where she wanted to get out of a bad spot, and I wish to God, she had sent me the message via her phone and not on Facebook.

It was after that, that I seemed to continue to get information, after the fact. 

There are many times after that, that I learn of other events, and many times I wanted to be there for her.  It killed me inside to know this bright light in a dark world, was being attacked from all sides.  There have been a few times when I wanted to scream at her family, to the top of my lungs, just as much as I wanted to knock some sense into some of her ex's.

Nothing would make me happier, above all, to see her happy.

For a while, I thought she had found a path to happiness, with news of her pregnancy.  After hearing that news, for a brief moment, I imagined what it would be like if it was ours.  To dream of the woman, who seems to have slipped by.

Recently, I learned that he wants nothing to do with "AV" or her child, who is due soon.  I sent her a simple message, again reminding her that if she ever needs anything, and I do mean anything, she need only ask.  But I think we've spent so much time and space apart (playing the caring cousin from the side), that she'll politely say, thanks, and never speak up. 

A part of me, a big part of me, want to do more than be the caring cousin, which I have been led to play.  There is still that bold, confident me, who wants to defy the social norm and try to sweep her off her feet.  I want to provide for her, with all the things, I know he is not providing for her now.  I want to make sure her child grows up secure, safe, and loved.  I want to spend my day, shopping for baby supplies and not just the casual gift, but shower her with everything she could ever need.  Not just a few simple clothes or diaper, I want to furnish her nursery.  I want to be there for every doctor visit, including in the delivery room, holding "AV" hand, so that she knows, she will never be alone, and someone is there by her side, standing with her, always, and I want the chance to love her, like all the men before, should have, the fools, all of them.

I want her happy and I want to be whatever she needs me to be.

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If you are as serious about your cousin as it sounds like you are, and you are both currently single, you should speak up! We don't get many chances in life to be truly happy with someone, and if you think that highly of her, and are willing to commit yourself to her like that, then she has the right to know that someone loves her like that, and you have the right to give yourself a chance at that dream. 

I carried a secret torch for my cousin from childhood, but never thought he would return those feelings. I was 29 when I finally told him, and he kissed me. We got married last spring. We've had to deal with some very difficult things since we got together, but what's never been hard is us. Being together is what gives us both strength and meaning. I spent years trying to tell myself that my feelings for him were a fantasy, that I wanted him because I couldn't have him, etc. That wasn't true. When you find the right person, you know. Don't let her slip away and be less happy with someone who cares about her happiness less because you are too afraid to take a chance.

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4 hours ago, MissPrice said:

If you are as serious about your cousin as it sounds like you are, and you are both currently single, you should speak up! We don't get many chances in life to be truly happy with someone, and if you think that highly of her, and are willing to commit yourself to her like that, then she has the right to know that someone loves her like that, and you have the right to give yourself a chance at that dream. 

I carried a secret torch for my cousin from childhood, but never thought he would return those feelings. I was 29 when I finally told him, and he kissed me. We got married last spring. We've had to deal with some very difficult things since we got together, but what's never been hard is us. Being together is what gives us both strength and meaning. I spent years trying to tell myself that my feelings for him were a fantasy, that I wanted him because I couldn't have him, etc. That wasn't true. When you find the right person, you know. Don't let her slip away and be less happy with someone who cares about her happiness less because you are too afraid to take a chance.

I am serious and I think I am going to take this slow and try to work my way to a point where I can maybe tell her how I feel or at the very least, maybe she'll figure it out and if I am lucky, maybe feel the same. The last thing I want to do is rush things or add any drama to her life since she's already been through enough and what I really want to do is lighten her load. With a child on the way, the first thing I want her to know is that she can depend on me. I have decided with trying to provide for her needs and that of her expecting child.

Edited by CousinILoveYou
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10 hours ago, MissPrice said:

If you are there for her and her child, she will get the message, even if you don't tell her directly. Good luck!

I surely do hope so.  But I understand it will not happen overnight.  I messaged her on Facebook since I know she recently moved and I needed her new address.  I wanted my intentions to be clear and I hope I was.  I'm going to share how that chat went, only because I figure anyone who has been through this (cousins), may pick up on something (or not).  I think it's a plus that she seems eager to see me soon and she outlined it again when I asked her if there was anything she needed right now (her wanting to see me).  Here is chat:

 

ME:    I'd like an address for you so that I could send you a few things for your little bundle of joy. 

HER:    Awe, thank you -- my name --.  -- Her news address --
I really want to see you! You ever around the --town-- area? Or I could always get a ride to see you.

ME:   I'd like to see you soon too, as soon as I get over the flu I have. The last thing I would want is to make you sick, but I am going to order you a few things online and have them shipped.  ;)

HER:   Well I hope you feel better!! And thank you so much! You're so sweet. How have you been

ME:   Beyond the flu, I have been doing good. The usual working and keeping busy. I'm still in -- town --.  Changed my cell phone number a while ago (-- MY NUMBER --), if you ever need to reach me.  I know you're going through a lot and without being to forward, if I can help in any way, please let me know.  I know it cannot be easy with the prospect of a child on the way, knowing at the same time the other half of that equation, has voluntarily checked out of their responsibility.  I cannot presume to know exactly how you feel about that, but I can easily know that it's heartbreaking, as I too had to do things alone.  I am sending you diapers and other supplies I think you may need, for a start, but I'd like to help you in any way I can if that's OK with you.

HER:   Thank you so much. thank you. I appreciate that so much. I don't really have anyone else from -- her father's name -- side of the family there. So it's an amazing feeling to know someone is there. I'm doing alright. Staying with my mom. I'm her live in PCA. Doing the best I can

ME:   How is your mother?  I can sympathize, as I have been taking care of mine for some time now.  Mom (-- my mom's name --), recently (12/18) had surgery (hysterectomy) the week before Christmas and she is recovering. Ideally, it should help resolve a few other health concerns she was experiencing.  Doing the best you can with an aging parent is sometimes all you can do. It sure is never easy though.  I'm sure your mother greatly appreciates all that you do for her.  You should be proud of yourself, for what you can do, and that you're there for her.  I want to promise you, "AV", I am not going anywhere and I am here if you need me.  I want you to know that you can count on me.  Speaking of which, is there anything, in particular, you think you need or want?

HER:   I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I hope she's healing well! My mom has lupus along with a few other health issues. And then her x broke a few of her bones so she actually just had surgery about a week and a half before Christmas too. You're right, it's definitely not easy, but I'm glad I can be here to help her. I can't think of anything in particular really. Just know that I appreciate your help very much. Like I said, I would just love to see you when you feel better!

ME:  Alright, if you think of anything, I want you to let me know right away.  I want you to know, that you're not alone, and I am here if you need me.  I know you're a strong woman, but I am still here, just the same.  You have my number and you can call me anything you like (although if you called now, given my flu, I sound like Mickey Mouse).

HER:  Haha, I'm sorry you don't feel well. It's nice to know that you are There. Most people say it just to say it, but I can tell you are being genuine. I love you cousin!

ME:  Love you too.  I keep my word, but, talk is cheap, actions are what matter, and you can count on mine. :)

Edited by CousinILoveYou

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She mentions that she wants to see you twice in a short conversation, she doesn't want you to buy her anything specifically (i.e.,  clearly not just interested in what you can do for her), and she says "I love you" first. Those are all good signs; she is clearly very fond of you. Definitely don't delay going to see her once you are feeling better! It sounds like she's in a tough situation, and that she wants you close. Whether or not she ever loves you the way you want, if you love her, you should absolutely be there for her. Keep us updated!

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22 hours ago, MissPrice said:

She mentions that she wants to see you twice in a short conversation, she doesn't want you to buy her anything specifically (i.e.,  clearly not just interested in what you can do for her), and she says "I love you" first. Those are all good signs; she is clearly very fond of you. Definitely don't delay going to see her once you are feeling better! It sounds like she's in a tough situation, and that she wants you close. Whether or not she ever loves you the way you want, if you love her, you should absolutely be there for her. Keep us updated!

Right now, if that is true, the feeling is very mutual.  All I want in this world is to be by her side.

Yes, I have a strong desire to get better, sooner rather than later.  The problem about that is I'm one of those lucky few who nearly never gets sick, even when everyone else around me is dropping like flies, I remain seemingly immune.  I can go years without getting so much as a cold. I guess I am lucky that way.  But on the downside when I do finally fall ill, I feel completely useless and it takes me what seems like forever to get well again.  At the moment, I wish I could just snap my fingers and be done with this flu.

There is this running fear in my head, that while I'm desperately doing everything in my power to get better, "AV", who usually is not someone who stays single for long, will suddenly be swept off her feet by someone before I even have the chance to truly make my intentions known. Right now, the thing I want more than anything in this world is to be by her side and I'm stuck here, feeling sick, and useless.

Edited by CousinILoveYou

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Someone new joined and I presume after reading my post, asked me for advice.  It gave me the opportunity to write down some of my thoughts concerning all this, so I figured I'd share with you all the reply I gave them.

 

"Since I have never fully and actively before pursued my cousin until now, I doubt I should be the one giving advice.  Although, I would believe you should treat your cousin with love, honesty, and respect, always.  Let that person know that you will be there for them and will never leave their side.  Let them know they can count on you and depend on you too.  But do not just say it with words, do what you can in action and deeds too.  You have to be serious about pursuing your cousin and be willing to see things through, with the true intentions to commit.  -- At least that is where I am coming from.  I genuinely want to give her everything I can to make her happy and to see her dreams come true.  That includes providing for her expecting child and loving her child as though it were my own.  It means putting her needs first, as I recognize that I cannot be selfish about any of this.  -- I'm not sure if I've explained enough my true meaning since somethings I do not believe you can put everything into words.  But I hope what I have put into words, helps you and I wish you good luck."

 

If I were to add to that reply, I would add that it is something you have to be serious about and have thought about and felt for some time.  You have to be serious about your feelings and not just the idea. I did not just wake up one morning and think to myself, "oh gee, let's see if I can have a relationship with my cousin".  While it is true, there was an immediate attraction towards her before I knew she was my cousin and it was more than just physical, I liked how she carried herself and could be both mature while having a good sense of humor.  That did not change once I found out she was my cousin and overtime, even though we both dated other people over time, I continued to desire her and wanted to know her more.  There was always that longing which never left me and the strong desire I had to know she was happy in life and whenever I learned she wasn't, I felt true heartache.

You also have to be accepting of who your cousin is, understanding that, no one is perfect, not even you (yourself), and that your cousin too is human and has flaws.  As I said previously, you cannot just be in love with the idea, but the reality too of who that person is and how they are as a person.  As I said, I didn't just wake up on a random morning and come to this lightly.  You have to put yourself out there, be willing to risk it all, and ask yourself, is this worth it?  In my case, most definitely, yes. I truly believe, sware to god belief, that the biggest fools on this earth, are the few who screwed up and did not give "AV" the love and respect she deserves.  In my opinion, they were given the opportunity of a lifetime, and they are complete fools for not doing right by her.  It is a mistake I do not plan on making and given the chance, I plan on doing right by her.  I want to help her fulfill her dreams and lighten whatever burdens come her way in life.  I want her to know I'm on her side, as I stand by her side.

If there are children involved, you have to take that into consideration too.  In this case, with a child on the way, even though it is not mine, I know I will man up and step up.  You have to be prepared to take on that responsibility and not just "play house".  Children are fun, but they are also a lot of work and care.  The greatest fool of them all is the fool who walked out on my cousin and claimed he didn't want anything to do with her or the baby.  Well, I am no fool, and I'm perfectly content with the idea of late night feedings, diaper changing, restless and sleepless nights, hard work, and much, much more. I am willing to do what is right for her and whatever she needs and whatever it takes. While I believe my cousin is a strong woman, I do not think my cousin should have to do it alone and I do not want her to do it alone and mean for her not to be alone.  I will gladly stand by her and be there.

There is so much more I could say, but as I said previously, I do not think words alone could ever express everything.

Edited by CousinILoveYou
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I agree with all of that. If someone is looking for a fling, or a fun summer, or some drama (yuck), looking for any of that with a cousin is a terrible idea. Not every relationship can (or should) turn into something serious, but a relationship with a cousin is serious from the moment it starts, whether or not that's the plan. A cousin is a connection no matter what. and if someone gets hurt and the romantic relationship is over, that familial bond still exists. That's a lifetime of possible pain and awkward encounters. 

It's my opinion that anyone who wants a relationship with a cousin needs to be willing to give that relationship their all, and be mature enough to recognize what a real relationship (as opposed to a fantasy or dream of a relationship) is like. Otherwise, the potential pitfalls make it not worth the risk. I knew I had a thing for my cousin years before I said anything. I needed to know how serious my own feelings were, and that they were real, and to be in a situation to make things work if he felt the same (which I didn't think he would, I just decided I needed to tell him anyway). I think that was the right choice, and I encourage anyone in a similar situation to do some serious soul searching before starting something that isn't simple or easy to back out of. 

As a side note, it took a long time for me to say something to my cousin, but when I did, and when he felt the same, that was it. There was no question for either of us that we'd do whatever we needed to do to be together for the rest of our lives. That, I think, is part of what can make a cousin relationship so special. If you do it right, that cousin dynamic morphing into something deeper, something built on a pre-existing affection and knowledge of each other, the trust and intimacy can be exceptional.

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Here is an update, but I wish it was a good one.  We talked once on the phone a week ago and the conversation was the usual one you could expect between cousins, mostly how she has no family on her father's side there for her and how we first met and how we've both been since then.  The call eventually ended because she said she needed to take care of her mother, but that she still wanted to continue this convo, just not over the phone, and to text her right away (her words).  Well, I did and was basically two text that night on how she was happy to hear from me and how she wanted to hook up in person as soon as we could (sounds promising, right?).  The following morning, she sends me a text wishing me good morning and hoping I have a good day.  I respond in kind also wishing her a good morning and to have a good day.

She would do this before going to work, and so I obviously made the respectful choice of not calling her or texting her while at work.  As PCA (Personal Care Attendant), she did seem to have some really long and unusual hours and although I never was given her schedule I noticed on average she was working 12+ hour days ( on average 8 am - 8 PM).  Which has to be very hard given that she is 6 months pregnant and as events began to further unfold, I started to wonder if she really was working those hours.

At the end of the day, she would send me a text, wishing I had a good day and asking about mine.  I, in turn, would tell her about my day and inquire about hers.  Sometimes I would get a reply to this and sometimes not.  The usual good morning and good night text continued like this for a while.  And for a while, I guess I was OK with this, but I really wanted to have a conversation and get to know her more.  It seems the only time we talked a little more via text, was as she was receiving the many things I ordered for her baby.  Which before doing so, I made my intention clear to her and told her that I wanted to care for her and her daughter.  I told her that while I knew she was a beautiful and strong woman who could do it alone, I did not want that for her and that I wanted to love her daughter as a father (as my own) and I wanted to stand by her side and to ease her burdens in life, while seeing her dreams come true.  I do not know how much more clear any man could have been.  I asked if she was OK with this and if this is something she wanted.  To my heart's joy, she said, yes.

I learned the man who walked out on her basically left her with nothing (some clothes and playpen, that's all). Since I made it clear to her that I wanted to care for her, the baby, and provide for them both, plus since she is due in 3 months, I wasted no time at all.  Everything from 20 packs of newborn diapers and another case of size 1's (over 500 diapers to start), swaddle, bassinet, infant stroller with car seat,  a rocking chair, and after spending over $600+ in baby supplies, with the promise to her that this was only the beginning and that I meant to keep my word (to care and provide for them both).  I basically manned up and stepped up where the actual baby's father never did.  B)

As I said previously, after that phone call, our conversations via text were basically limited to good morning, good night, hope your day is good, and how was yours, at the end of the day.  I am not someone who particularly likes texting (dislike social media even more).  I forget where exactly it began, but I sent her a text asking her to call me when she got out of work and she said she would and even gave me a time on when to expect her call.  This ended with her sending me a message on Facebook, where I wouldn't see it for a while (since I do not check Facebook), explaining she was running late and she would call me at a different time.  When I eventually found her message, I would tell her, that I understood (which I did), and this eventually would lead her sending me another message the next day, apologizing for not calling, explaining how tired she was and how late it got, but it would end with her giving me another time on which to expect to receive her call.  I would wait up for her call, only to be greeted with another time to expect it, and eventually an apology with a new time (sort of like an appointment that kept getting pushed back and always given a new time).   

At some point, I suggested, that I call her.  Of course, this left me wondering when was the right time to do so, since she was working what to me seems like crazy hours (8 am - 8 pm from what I gather).  Eventually, I managed to get her to actually text my phone, which did make things easier.  But I noticed throughout her day while working and when out of work, she was posting up a storm with other people and accepting numerous friend request on Facebook. 

This made me feel like an afterthought. :( Here I am wanting to talk on the phone, as we have only done so once, receiving text messages of when she plans to call me or when she would like me to call her, none of which pans out, because she falls asleep and I am giving yet a new date and time.  I let myself believe she was not trying to avoid me on purpose since she would follow up with a new time for either of us to call, as opposed to just either not following up or closing it with an ending message.

But I felt more and more like an afterthought since we never did have that 2nd phone call and whenever I left her a message, I would only hear from her before work and after work.  The only time I heard from her throughout the day, was when she was receiving the stuff I promised her. 

I finally decided to make my way to her in person.  She, after all, said she wanted to see me from day #1 and I was now feeling better.  Her mother's birthday was 2 days ago (who she lives with since she is caring for her aging mother).  I wanted it to be a surprise, mostly, but out of courtesy, I did leave her a message that I was coming since I didn't want to be completely unannounced.  I had picked up a gift for her mother and another something special for "AV". ;)   I was near all the way there when she finally called me, much to my surprise, just to tell me she was off to work and that later she had plans already made with her mother (basically telling me not to come).  I was naturally disappointed (didn't have much to say to her at that point), but told her that it was OK and we both, said good-bye. 

After I get off the phone and do an about face (heading back home) when she sends me an angry message claiming that I was short with her and that I should be understanding that she has to work and that it was not her fault if I decided to come without asking.  Honestly, the person she pained me out to be in her text, is not who I am at all.  I honestly thought we ended the call, OK, and did not know where on earth this was coming from. 

To be honest, it hurt.  I had been doing everything in my power and everything I know that is right as a good man, to be there for her and reach out to keep the lines of communication going, and suddenly she was attacking me as if I was public enemy #1.  I messaged her and explained to her what she said had hurt (which it did) and that I was not mad, just confused, and hurt.  I told her via a message that I was not being short with her (never would) and that I thought we ended the call, OK. She did not reply all day and at that point, I left it at that.

The next day (yesterday), I sent her a message asking her if we could talk.  She said, yes, and again gave me a time to expect her call (same as usual).  That time came and past and rather than wait for the usual follow-up with another time later in the evening to be given, I decided to call her.  I got her voice mail, but she quickly texts me telling me she was at work still and that she would call me.  I replied telling her, I understood (which I do), and suddenly I get a text, which she later said was meant for someone else, asking for $50 to be sent by, Western Union.  She immediately apologized for sending me the wrong text (not sure how that happen) and claims she was trying to send it to a friend.

2 things come to my mind now.  1) She clearly is able to talk to other people, but I seem to be left out as for a week all I have been getting is text on when we are supposedly going to talk.  2) She did not want to ask me for help. -- Both of those ideas hurt given how much she means to me and given how much effort I have been putting into a relationship of any kind with her.

We exchange a few more text on why she needs the $50 and that she plans on paying back extra to her friend if they lend her the money.  But of course, at the point, she is telling me they are not responding back.  I inquire why she needs it and she goes on how she needs it for personal female stuff due to her pregnancy and also needs to give someone gas money since she claims she gets rides to and from work.  She just needs it to hold her over until Friday.

I asked her why she didn't just come to me?  I, after all, made a promise to care and provide for her and the baby.  I have made it clear that I do love her and want to do everything I can to help her.  She claims that she feels I have done enough and she didn't want to impose further on me.  To quote her directly

"I do trust you but I hate to ask you for more help when you keep helping me.  They aren't answering me.  If there's any way you could help me it cost $12 to send a Western Union and you can do it online. I can pay you back extra on Friday. I hate to ask you tho. But if you can't I completely understand."

I told her if she was willing to wait, I would give her the money in person (no need for, Western Union).  She replies with (direct quote)

"I mean if I have to wait I have to. I really need to get something personal tonight but obviously, if I have to wait I have to wait. Lol"

I am willing to get her whatever she wants or need, but I would have liked to have done so in person.  At least then we could have talked, which is something I feel we are long overdue.  I told her that I will take care of everything and I ask her to call me as soon as she gets out of work (which she already promised to do).  She replies simply with, "I will".

I waited and waited, assuming she would be home soon.  I called her up and only received voice mail.  I waited some more, called up, more voice mail.  I left her 3 or 4 messages.  She has always followed up and if she was still busy, given me another time to call her or another time for me to expect her call (the ever revolving appointment, remember?), except this time, there has been no follow up.

I ask, how would you be feeling right now?
 

Edited by CousinILoveYou

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I just got this text:

"I wasn't ignoring you.  I misplaced my phone at work and just got it back.  I have to go to the store for my mom to get her something to eat. I'll call you in a bit"

I do not know what I should say in reply as I am honestly losing faith and at the moment, I hate myself for even saying that out loud (let alone think it).  I want to believe it is just me and all my fears are in my head.  I love "AV" and do not want to have any doubt between us.  But after a week of text with times to call or wait for her call, only to be given more text with times to follow those; I am not holding my breath any longer.  I also find it a little suspect that as she was leaving work late last night, asking me for $50, that she somehow misplaced her phone as she was about out the door.  She also has a laptop at home and could have messaged me on Facebook since she has proven all week on how good she is at keeping me at bay with status updates (at least a message telling me she doesn't have her phone).

Her older sister (my other cousin) also just sent me a friend request on Facebook and wants to talk with me around 2:30 or so.  I have not spoken with her in years and to be honest, I believe has not always been as supportive of her sister.  I have no idea what she wants. This is the same sister who seemed on edge in the past anytime me and "AV" got close. 

In any case, I just sent a text asking "AV" why her sister would want to talk with me. I figured it is important to keep "AV" in the loop on that one.

Edited by CousinILoveYou

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It is nearly 10 pm and she sent me that text in the morning (nearly 12 hours ago).  I have not heard back from here since. Here is the message I sent her just now.  She'll either respond or not.  I am deeply heartbroken beyond words.   It took a lot for me to admit my feeling for her and a lot more to make her know how I felt.  I always imagined it would have been better than this. :(  I cannot express to anyone in words on exactly what I am feeling right now.  The pain is so deep it is physical.  :(

 

" I put blind faith and trust in you from even the beginning.  I came out of the blue and told you that you were not alone and that I would help make your world right.  I promised this to both you and your daughter, a child which is not even mine.  Most importantly, I asked you, if this was what you wanted, and you said, yes and you claimed to be thankful knowing I would be there for you.  I thought you meant it, as I began to plan for you and your child's future.  Not alone I might add, since you were all into the idea.

Everyone and I do mean, everyone, warned me against helping you.  You have enemies and frenemies, I did not even know you had.  But what surprised me the most is how family members who had long remained silent, who had not even said "boo" in so many years, suddenly had an opinion too. But I kept silent on their words, as not to hurt you.  You had been through enough and enough was enough, you and your daughter deserved better than all that.

I put all their words of hate and doubt, cast them all aside, and proclaimed I was going to do right by you.  Because the hell with what the kissy-face the world says about you, I believe in you.  Together, I knew we would prove them wrong.

Though your daughter is not my own, I manned up and stepped up and started to take on the responsibility of where a lesser man left you.  Saw to her basic need, though she is not even born yet.  Offered to get whatever you needed, even so far as to let you pick things of your own choosing; because I wanted your dreams for her to come true. $600+ wasn't a thing to me in compared to your happiness.  But "stuff" alone was never my end game for either of you, as I promised you more.  Most importantly, you said, you wanted more.

I meant it when I wanted to be there, not just by your side, but on your side too.  I knew things would take time, I never saw to rush thing on you, but damn, how is even a kissy-faceing phone call too much for you?  The only time we seemed to commune regularly was whenever stuff was flowing from 'the giving tree'.  I wanted to think it was all in my head and that I was reading far too much in onto it, and I wanted to believe you when you said you simply were tired or forgot, but now I cannot even get a simple text from you, let alone a phone call.

That one time I decided to surprise you on your mother's birthday, because I know she means so much to you and for this reason she mattered to me.  I picked her our something special and something nice for you too, made my way out there, and perhaps my notice was short, but that is what a surprise is all about.  You have been saying you wanted to see me for a while now.  I was disappointed when you told me you already had plans and not to bother coming, that is for sure, I was after all nearly there, but I never took it out on you.  It hurt after we ended what I thought was a nice, polite phone call, only for you to blow up on me via a text, as though my good deed was wrong.  I did not know where all that anger and all that hate was coming from, I still don't.  But nevertheless, I looked past it, forgave you, and moved forward, since I knew you'd been through a lot and somehow I convinced myself, you were taking out your past on me.

However, days have since past and our last lengthy conversation was last night on how you needed $50 for your personal needs.  I was more than glad to help you out since I meant it, I wanted to see to your needs and provide for you.  But damn, all I needed was for you to give me a call so that I could confer a few important things to you.  Your last text was simply "I will" in response to again promising to call, at which time I would have given you the money you need because I never want you to go without. 

Like a fool, I stayed up late, worried about you, and this morning you tell me you misplaced your phone and assured me you would call me today.  Well, I know you have Facebook and a laptop, you could have told me about your phone.  Since that text this morning, I have not heard a peep out of you.  I never once left you wondering or guessing, I respect you too much and always make time for you, even when I'm busy too.

Even now, as I type this, a part of me wants you to finally come around, realize that what's been going down is all wrong, and prove to me that my faith in you was not misplaced. I want you to keep the promise we both made, defy what the world thinks of you, and prove everyone else wrong.  Be the beautiful, strong, caring, and honest woman I know lies within you. "

 

 

Edited by CousinILoveYou

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Just a friendly outside perspective here, but it kinda sounds like you are pushing too hard. The last time you posted, the plan was that you would go see her and talk to her in person once you were over the flu. You still haven't seen her in person, correct? In the last message you sent her, you talk about "the promise you both made", but it's unclear to me from what you've said when she promised you anything. Also, it's great that you want to help her and her baby out, but she doesn't owe you for that. If you do think she does, it wasn't a gift. Had I had the opportunity, I would have advised you against sending that last message. You had already made your move, that puts the ball in her court.

 

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41 minutes ago, MissPrice said:

Just a friendly outside perspective here, but it kinda sounds like you are pushing too hard. The last time you posted, the plan was that you would go see her and talk to her in person once you were over the flu. You still haven't seen her in person, correct? In the last message you sent her, you talk about "the promise you both made", but it's unclear to me from what you've said when she promised you anything. Also, it's great that you want to help her and her baby out, but she doesn't owe you for that. If you do think she does, it wasn't a gift. Had I had the opportunity, I would have advised you against sending that last message. You had already made your move, that puts the ball in her court.

 

I have been over with the flu for a while now and the problem is I feel like I have been used.  I never thought she owed me anything.  We have had no contact except text messages that seem to go like this

"Hey, I'll call you at 5 today"

"Sorry, 5 is not good, I'll call you at 8"

"Sorry I did not call last night, I'll call you tonight at 5"

Sorry, 5 is not good, I'll call you at 8"

"Sorry I did not call last night, you can call me at 5"

"Sorry, I got your message, you can call me at 8"

"Sorry, I got your message, I can call me at 5"

Rince and repeat, indefinitely.

This has been going on for nearly 1 1/2 weeks.  I would try to have a conversation via text, but the only reply would be that she'd call later, and she never does (or she asks me to call, but never answers).  Which means really, no conversations via phone or text are actually taking place (much to my disappointment).  Then suddenly, the text stopped as the gifts stopped.  When I tried to surprise her, by seeing her, she basically told me to go home (before I could get there).  When I inquire about seeing her, we seem to default back to the "Will call" standard type greeting, with no follow through (again).   You may have missed that since I did write a lot (sorry). 

Edited by CousinILoveYou

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That must be very frustrating for you, I get that. Do keep in mind though that she's pregnant and working. Also, it's possible you overwhelmed her with the gifts. It's a beautiful gesture, but she may feel awkward about accepting them. She may be unsure what your expectations are, and not in a position emotionally to engage with you, and craving pickles on ice cream with potato chips, and having hot flashes, and terrified of being a mother. My point is just that she has an awful lot going on right now, you know? After the father of her unborn child left her, she might distrust men in general, or she might not want to look at any man romantically, or any of a number of things. What's highly likely is that she doesn't have a lot of time for other people's thoughts and feelings (and she's probably not in the mood for surprises either). I can't imagine anyone who would in that situation. The best you can do is help where she lets you and be there when and if she wants you. It's hard to argue that she's using you, since she didn't ask, you offered.

And I do get that it's really tough for you, and that you want so much to be a part of her life and to help her. I spent years watching my cousin with women who didn't value him, who took advantage of him, and didn't even notice his best qualities. It drove me up the wall. At one point, he was getting divorced, and was losing his house (that he and his wife had bought, and then she picked up and left him with the mortgage eight months later). I wanted so badly to fix it for him, and I couldn't. At the time, I was living two states away, and engaged. Point is, I really do understand how tough it is to not be right next to a person you love when they are going through a difficult time. But if you really want to be the better man in her life, all you can do is offer her your support (emotional support is more what I'm talking about than gifts), and then let her decide what she wants to do with that. Good luck!

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23 hours ago, MissPrice said:

That must be very frustrating for you, I get that. Do keep in mind though that she's pregnant and working. Also, it's possible you overwhelmed her with the gifts. It's a beautiful gesture, but she may feel awkward about accepting them. She may be unsure what your expectations are, and not in a position emotionally to engage with you, and craving pickles on ice cream with potato chips, and having hot flashes, and terrified of being a mother. My point is just that she has an awful lot going on right now, you know? After the father of her unborn child left her, she might distrust men in general, or she might not want to look at any man romantically, or any of a number of things. What's highly likely is that she doesn't have a lot of time for other people's thoughts and feelings (and she's probably not in the mood for surprises either). I can't imagine anyone who would in that situation. The best you can do is help where she lets you and be there when and if she wants you. It's hard to argue that she's using you, since she didn't ask, you offered.

And I do get that it's really tough for you, and that you want so much to be a part of her life and to help her. I spent years watching my cousin with women who didn't value him, who took advantage of him, and didn't even notice his best qualities. It drove me up the wall. At one point, he was getting divorced, and was losing his house (that he and his wife had bought, and then she picked up and left him with the mortgage eight months later). I wanted so badly to fix it for him, and I couldn't. At the time, I was living two states away, and engaged. Point is, I really do understand how tough it is to not be right next to a person you love when they are going through a difficult time. But if you really want to be the better man in her life, all you can do is offer her your support (emotional support is more what I'm talking about than gifts), and then let her decide what she wants to do with that. Good luck!

I did offer, you are right, and if she was using me, it would be my own fault.

You are right it is driving me up the wall.  I have no words to express or describe how strongly I feel for "AV" or how much an impact and a hold she has over me.   I am 36 years old and in all my life, I have nothing to compare the feelings she brings out in me.  Perhaps this is what love really is and I only just now discovered it.  That is not to say I have not been in other relationships (was even married once, myself).  But somehow this is "more". I do not know how else to explain it.   Even when I was dating other women, I always came back to wondering how "AV" was and always asking myself, was there anything I could do or say to make her world a better place.  It is "magnetic" feeling in that my thought and my concerns have always somehow gotten back to her.

I do not know how to explain it and to be honest, the more I try, the more I feel like I am cheapening the feeling since nothing I could say, could ever explain it just right.  I just know I have nothing in my life to compare it to, as this is something I more than just feel, it is a "knowing".  I probably sound ridiculous. :P

She has been through a lot, yes.  Every man she ended up with was a loser or generally a jerk in general.  Like yourself, it drove me crazy every time I knew something was going wrong in her world and every time I gently reached out with a small word of support, but she had so much going on, I doubt I even was a "bleep" on her radar. lol :P  That did not stop me from wanting to help her or hope she'd take me up on my offer to support, even if it was just emotionally.  As much as I cared for her from afar, I think like many people who realize they feel for their cousins, I held back a little. 

What bothered me was there was 1x she sent me a message on Facebook (years ago), asking me to come get her, telling me she needed to get out of where she was.  Because it was on Facebook and not my phone, I didn't see it for days, by the time I did, whatever was going on was over with.  That is when we grew distant and I only learned of things from that point on, after the fact.  At the time, I felt like I failed her and I have never forgiven myself for that (never will).  :(

As I said previously when I found out she was pregnant, whatever hope or dream I had for us, I assumed was never going to happen.  I figured she had found her "happy ending" (for lack of a better word) and that was it.  The moment, I realized this loser ran out on her and the child, I knew I was going to step up.  Something inside me finally snapped and I thought to myself, "No, this is not going to be her life. She is not just going to be another statistic of another struggling single parent."  That little fear that was holding me back was gone, and I knew that I had to move forward.  I want to be there for her and her daughter if she'll let me. :)

As for my text, it may have worked....  Got this as a reply....

" I want to clarify something.  You didn't do anything wrong.  You are an amazing person and cousin.  I do appreciate everything you've done and I do love and care about you.  I'm distracting myself for your sake.  You don't need all this stress and negativity in your life because you wanted to help me.  I'm sorry I've caused you so much stress and so many problems.  I do love you very much.  But again, you don't deserve that.

I am not going to lie, part of her message confused me, when she said, "I'm distracting myself for your sake."  How has ignoring me a benefit to me?  However, her even replying gave me some hope, given after my previous message, I was ready to let her go and honest was not expecting a reply.  I do not want to push her, but I also do not want her to slip away.  I called her, got voice mail, and just stopped short of telling her that I was in love with her, but did tell her that she should let me decided what battles I fight and that she was worth fighting for.  I stopped short of just telling her that I was in love with her.  :wub:    Rather I caught myself and said, "I care about you a lot more than I should" and continued on telling her that I will fight for her and will fight her battles too.

She sent me this text almost instantly after listening to my voicemail.

"I'm not ready to talk on the phone about any of this.  I don't think you understand just  how much all of this is bothering me."

I do not want to push her, but I also do not want her to slip away either.  But I do feel we need to resolve this.  So I crafted this following text with an out, so she had one if she wanted to take it.

" I'm going to call you don't have to say a word just listen, please. OK? "

I included that out, but I also wanted to let her know, that I was still there for her and I wanted to tell her and hear how she would respond.  I think I also was trying to build up the courage of whether or not to tell her or stop short again. But I knew it was important to give her the option to decline my call.  Here is her reply:

" Give me a little bit, please. I was just getting in the shower."

I left her with this and am just going to really wait and see, now.

"OK. Let me know please when you are ready.  I love you."

I think I will give her a few hours before I attempt to send her another message.  Or I'll just wait and hope for a response.  I'm sort of on the edge of either or. 

Edited by CousinILoveYou

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This will be my final update. 

I do not want to go into the details, but I basically got confirmation that all she wanted was the stuff I could provide (which explains why she only seemed to want to conversate when things were coming her way or when she was asking for money).

If it were anyone else,  I wouldn't care about her now.  I'd be pissed off for a brief moment and I'd write her off for good (end of story).  But as I said from the beginning, I have nothing to compare with how I feel for her.  It's different with her, it always has been.

With the realization of how things are now, the pain I feel is so deep and so strong, it is actually something physical I can feel, not just emotional, but honestly, a physical pain.  I know how strange that sounds.  When I cannot feel the pain, I cannot feel anything, as if I were walking around in some sort of emotionless dream and just like a dream it does not seem real to me.

I'd love for her to text or call and tell me she lost her senses or that somehow this was all a bad dream and I'll wake up at any moment.  But the reality of it is weighing me down so hard, it's as if the gravity got turned up. 

Perhaps this all sounds like nonsense.  I don't know what to say.  No woman has ever made me feel as much as she does (both the good and the bad) and I have nothing to compare this to anything in my life before.  I'm at a loss.

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