Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  

Dating my first cousin and I am about to make a move

Recommended Posts

Iam dating my first cousin which is 11 years younger than me. She is also dating her ex. She broke up with him after 3 years but they still see each other. She told him to continue with his life and find someone else but he keeps insisting.

I first met my first cousin when she was 21. We both had relationships back then. Now we both broke up. My mother and her mother are sisters, while her father is from another country so we also don't look much like each other.

My first cousin is extremely hot. Awesome eyes, awesome body, and a very polite girl. She is the ideal character that I would want for my girlfriend and that none of my girlfriends had in the past. Generally in our families all of my cousins had good characters. We are low profile characters and that is how I would like my future woman to be.

I go out with my cousin almost every week. She is always smiling to me and we greet each other with a kiss. I believe that her ex-boyfriend is no match with me in terms of appearance, work, status, anything. She says that she has no future with him but they still see each other. Although we go out every week, when we talk on Facebook she doesn't show me any signs of interest. She doesn't try to discuss things with me, or ask me what I do. Usually I start the conversation first. But if I don't send a message for ex. 5 days she will find an excuse to send me a message first. Also, when we see each other, she constantly smiles at me but we both can't find topics to discuss easily. There is some kind of tension. We both "freeze". What's next?

I have asked her why she broke up and she told me that she didn't have many things in common with her ex. She wants to do things like going out (she wasn't going out with him at all), do some activities etc. They didn't even go for vacation together so she wasted so many years with him. Generally she likes visiting other countries which she hasn't done so far. Last year I has a relationship with a girlfriend and I was about to break it up. I had arranged to go on vacation before breaking up. Then my ex was...missing. So I offered to my cousin to come with me. She accepted and really liked the idea, although she wasn't sure that she will have a leave of absence from her work. Eventually I went on vacation with my ex (bad idea, yes I know) and I broke up with her after one month. I still regret that.

In the last weekend I met a 30 year old woman who is good looking and a good character. But she is not so beautiful like my cousin. They are both good characters as far as I know them. But I feel such a strong connection with my cousin that I can't stop thinking of her. I have even seen her in my dreams.

The question is this: I will go out with my cousin tomorrow Thursday and also on Friday, for two consecutive days. I think that I need to tell her how I feel, because I can't date two women at the same time. What I feel for my cousin is no match in what I feel for anyone else. But if I tell her exactly how I feel then I face the danger of being rejected and if she tells about the incident to her parents then all of our families will learn that I was going into her. Note that so far we went out like 20 times, and we go out every week, but besides smiling at me, there are no other signs that clearly show that she wants to have a relationship with me. We live in a country were marriages between second, third, or fourth cousins usually happen in villages, but marriages between first cousins are very rare. Personally I only read articles about relationships that broke up because families reacted badly. I live in a big city so I am not afraid that we are going to be seen. But generally it's a taboo and we won't be able to go out with friends at all, as many of them will feel disgusted about this.

1)How should I tell her how I feel? I am thinking of something like "Sometimes do you see me more like a cousin? (smiling) I just ask as we didn't grew up together." Is this a good quote?
2)I have read tons of articles about birth defects. What are the correct percentages? 2 or 3% for ordinary couples? And what about first cousin couples? It's 6-7? In your analysis I see a percentage of 4,5% . Is this just 4-5% or + 4,5% compared to the normal population? Please clarify.
3)If a couple does a DNA test for making children, what exactly is the DNA test that they should do? Any specific description? (and mostly for first cousins?)
4)Those of you that your parents are first cousins or those of you that married your first cousin and gave birth to children, can you please post here in this post by telling me if you/your kids are born 100% fine in health or if you had any issues? (even small ones)
5)If we both do a DNA test and we find out that we both don't have any recessive genes, what is the percentage on which our future kids might inherit a recessive gene?
6)Are recessive genes vanished after some generations?
7)And finally, the above percentages of possible birth defects are an estimate IF one or both parents have recessive genes? I mean if both parents do a DNA test and they don't have recessive genes or illnesses, then the percentage of having a healthy baby would be nearly 0% (if they do a healthy life) whether they are cousins or not?

Thanks and sorry for the long post.

Edited by JohnArg

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi John. First, just to clarify, you do not currently have a romantic relationship with your cousin, correct? I ask because you say you are currently "dating" her, which, in American culture, implies a romantic relationship. However, it doesn't sound like it means quite the same thing in your context, because it sounds like there is no romantic relationship, you two just spend a lot of time doing things together.

Secondly, the genetic question is quite complicated. I wouldn't get too caught up in percentages if I were you. The percentages are only estimations, and they are dependent on a lot of things, such as:

  • Is consanguinity common in the culture? (i.e., the chances of a birth defect are higher if multiple generations marry individuals they are related to)
  • How small is the population? (i.e., if it's a small, closed culture, even if cousin couples aren't common, there is a higher chance of birth defects)
  • Are there environmental factors increasing the risk of birth defects overall?
  • How old are the parents?

There is also no perfect DNA test that will test for all possible defects. If you and your cousin do get married and decide to have children together, I would highly recommend talking to a genetic counselor about your specific risk factors, and what DNA test they would recommend based on what population/culture you are both from (which can determine what defects are more likely). 

On the point of whether or not you should tell your cousin: if you feel something for her that you don't feel for any other woman, it would be unfair to any other woman to pursue them. Sometimes in life you have to take a risk, and in your case, it sounds like a risk worth taking. Lots of people have written on these boards about possible ways to bring up your feelings, I'd definitely recommend looking around. 


Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this