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NC30PlusYrs

2nd Cousin Relationship

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I am currently in a steady 5 month relationship with my 2nd cousin, he is in his early 50's and I am in my late 40's he and I have been together off and on since I was 12 (kissing cousins) and I was his first sexual partner while we were teenagers.  Right now, he is still not willing to let our family members know, both of our parents are deceased, we are not close with other family members but do live in the same hometown where they all live and could find out.  I sneak to his house several times a week and on weekends, one of our other cousins (he does speak to often) he is worried that he could find out. 

Right now how things are going:  BAD for my heart, I am in love with him and he has told me he loves me but then seems to hold it back, it's like he wants to love me but in his mind he knows better because he has told me more than once that he just cannot handle family finding out, or friends and his job.  I still see him even though my heart knows there will never be a future for us, and a part of me wishes that I had not let it go on for so long.  I cry often, about how I have let my feelings for him get to this level & I do love him, he is single now, it seems this is finally our time to be together.

 I have an older child that is ok with me seeing him.

I don't know what to do right now, I know common sense is to stop seeing him, however with our 30+ yr history, it is very very hard.  This is not fair to me and my feelings and when I ask him what we are going to do, he just tells me he doesn't know, he wants us to see each other but keep it all quiet, which means that we cannot go out in public, we really cannot do anything but be at his house.  I am always thinking of what to do, and I just cannot think of a solution.  I love him and could see me staying with him for the rest of my life, however I know that will never happen in a normal relationship with him, everything has to stay hush hush and I just cannot live that way.

 

I don't know how to let go and get over him, I cannot imagine my life without him.....  Any advice or stories that are similar would be helpful, it's nice finding this website with members having the same cousin relationships in common.

Edited by NC30PlusYrs

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My experience with a second cousin is only 3 months long (even though I've always had a distant crush on him just because I knew who he was and thought he was cute growing up. We didn't officially meet until this year as adults in our 30's and 40's). I can't imagine almost 40 years and on and off. That's a difficult situation to be in. If you weren't living in the same town the solution would be easy. However, with you guys being close by I can imagine it's almost impossible to move on and to get over. What have you done in the past to move on? What has worked the best and what hasn't been as easy to do? 

Also, does he have kids? Aside from the other cousin, who all is he worried about finding out and/or judging him? 

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I’m with him right now... 

I’m still seeing him, he doesn’t have kids...

he is worried about our family finding out because in 1999 we were accused of a relationship and he was married, we of course were seeing each other on occasion but the past 6 months we talk / text daily and I spend the night with him 4 or 5 nights a week, which we never have done in the past... so we are so much more involved...

i love him so much, he just has trouble processing us as a couple in public and family knowing.... and his job

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  I feel like I am going through the same hell you are right now and It is also driving me insane. I met my male cousin when we were sixteen years old and now we are 30 and we still can't let these feelings go. I want to be with him with all of my heart but he doesn't believe we should be, because of society, religion, and family. I have told all of my family throughout the years that I love him. My immediate family does not believe in cousin relationships, but they understand my feelings and wants me to be happy. My cousin will not do the same even through some of his siblings already know. He can't understand how we can be together and have a normal life without looking crazy. He comes back and forth in my life because of our connection but this time I want him to stay. Lately these past 4 months we have been spending a lot of time together  getting closer, now that there is no family around we want to be in our bubble and have the private  intimacy  we never could get. The problem is we want to be together and he wont fully give me the relationship because we are cousins. I'm so tired of this being a excuse. We have been doing this for years, every time a relationship does not work we come back and wish we could just marry each other. I don't want to have to convince my love that we should try, I want him to have that same fight I have. To top it off our zodiac's are perfect for one another Libra and Aquarius. This is why its so hard to let go and at this age who has the time to wait.  He does not want a secretive relationship and I just want to be with the love of my life.

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What happens when you pull away for a bit? Does he come after you? Is there space you can give him to help him realize he needs/wants to be with you in the way you should be? 

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7 hours ago, Lyric said:

  I feel like I am going through the same hell you are right now and It is also driving me insane. I met my male cousin when we were sixteen years old and now we are 30 and we still can't let these feelings go. I want to be with him with all of my heart but he doesn't believe we should be, because of society, religion, and family. I have told all of my family throughout the years that I love him. My immediate family does not believe in cousin relationships, but they understand my feelings and wants me to be happy. My cousin will not do the same even through some of his siblings already know. He can't understand how we can be together and have a normal life without looking crazy. He comes back and forth in my life because of our connection but this time I want him to stay. Lately these past 4 months we have been spending a lot of time together  getting closer, now that there is no family around we want to be in our bubble and have the private  intimacy  we never could get. The problem is we want to be together and he wont fully give me the relationship because we are cousins. I'm so tired of this being a excuse. We have been doing this for years, every time a relationship does not work we come back and wish we could just marry each other. I don't want to have to convince my love that we should try, I want him to have that same fight I have. To top it off our zodiac's are perfect for one another Libra and Aquarius. This is why its so hard to let go and at this age who has the time to wait.  He does not want a secretive relationship and I just want to be with the love of my life.

God..... I totally totally understand!!!!  It’s always the males who can’t let the cousin thing go in their heads!  At your age I understand that you don’t want to wait or don’t want to waste your time...  I have to say you are brave to tell your family and them give you the understanding you need and they want happiness for you!  He and I do not have that luxury at all...  I’m 49 so this late in life it’s the perfect time for us to be together but he is never going to see it that way, it most likely will always be our secret...  i really do feel for you, we are all just human even though we may be cousins it’s not like we are aliens ya know...  why society has to be so judgmental - I don’t know.... but that’s the way it is...  one thing I recently found out, the queen of England is married to her 2nd cousin, prince Phillip, so if royalty can do it why can’t we???

i just left his house this morning, with mixed emotions, asking myself “what in the hell am I doing letting myself get hurt” - there’s a bit more to my story than I listed previously - I left my husband and in the process of loosing my house to be with my cousin...  my husband moved out, he’s known for years about my feelings for my cousin, and me having feeling for my cousin didn’t break up our marriage, I wasn’t happy anyway, then one day me and my cousin started talking again last summer and have been since then daily and I see him all the time, it’s sneaking and I don’t like it, but it’s the only way... I have to play by his rules and the more time I spend with him the more I want to be with him...  he holds back his feelings a lot!  He has told me he loves me but I know I love him more...  who knows what will happen?  I cry at some point just about every week wondering what to do....  it’s been 6 months of happy and hell...  since it’s not a normal relationship I’ve put up with far more than I would had I just met him and started seeing him....  

my advise may not be accurate, but just see if he does develops deeper feelings for you, your ahead of the game by your family knowing whereas ours only assumes... 

you can write to me any time, it’s good for all of us to be able to talk to people who have a similar issue going on in our lives, it’s therapy for us in a way....  one reason I googled cousin relationships and found this website...

my heart goes out to you, hang in there if you can... give it another 6 months things can change, back off a little with him verbally about how you feel, let him wonder a little bit too... he may come around this time if he truly developed that love connection❤️

 

One question, do you ever spend the night with each other or weekends?  Do you guys go out in public together?  I stay at his house a lot but he will not go out in public with me because we could run into someone we know...  

Edited by NC30PlusYrs

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7 hours ago, ABrad said:

What happens when you pull away for a bit? Does he come after you? Is there space you can give him to help him realize he needs/wants to be with you in the way you should be? 

It has helped me in my situation to pull away a bit verbally - I gave him a little room to think, he did come back around, then a few weeks ago he pulled away again, it upset me so much because more of my time and heart were invested...  I basically had a full blown conversation with him that I’m not going to do this anymore!!!  He and I both talked the next day and both missed each other and I went right back to him, we always want to see each other, not everyday but I’d say 4/5 days out of each week I spend the night with him now that me and my husband are separated...  I’m just not telling him my true feelings right now, I’m letting things go for a while, I’m still intimate with him and very loving just like a regular girlfriend but I’m holding back verbally so not to pressure him!

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Is there a possibility that you could spend less time with him (not completely out of his life) and see if you can pursue other dating opportunities? It’s hard I know when online dating is the main option (if it is) but if he knows you’re not solely focused on him and there’s a possibilty he may lose you perhaps that will bring him around a bit. 

The vainness of not wanting other people to know about your relationship is hard to deal with. I know. But you shouldn’t have to settle for less. It’s hard when you connect with someone on the level that you do with your cousin but you can’t have the full package. I know. But at least give yourself some space to think about what you want and to sort your feelings out. 

Perhaps only spend the night once a week. Not four or five times. You’re basically his live in girlfriend. 

Edited by ABrad

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     I understand what everyone is saying about space but we have had years apart dating other people while we flirted and wished we could be together on the side . I have never cheated on anyone for him because I am loyal to the commitment I make to people. At this age if we cant try then I can never come back, I cant waste anymore time on unhealthy situations regardless of him being the one for me. I need to be the one also for him too. I understand that he can feel frustrated that we are going through something that few go through to be together.  It does make us look desperate  and  I wish  that I did not love my cousin but Its not totally my fault and I need him to back me up on that.  We had a talk recently  about him  taking time to see if we could really date or be together for a couple of months to see how it feels. If he feels like this is what he wants after that time then we can continue. Im scared too because I don't want to be a embarrassment for my family or his. It would be hard to have a normal wedding (which I can do without), It will be hard to put our kids in this situation, Can we even post our relationship on facebook? This life with him will be more private and I'm willing to live under a rock with him, but will he?

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5 hours ago, NC30PlusYrs said:

God..... I totally totally understand!!!!  It’s always the males who can’t let the cousin thing go in their heads!  At your age I understand that you don’t want to wait or don’t want to waste your time...  I have to say you are brave to tell your family and them give you the understanding you need and they want happiness for you!  He and I do not have that luxury at all...  I’m 49 so this late in life it’s the perfect time for us to be together but he is never going to see it that way, it most likely will always be our secret...  i really do feel for you, we are all just human even though we may be cousins it’s not like we are aliens ya know...  why society has to be so judgmental - I don’t know.... but that’s the way it is...  one thing I recently found out, the queen of England is married to her 2nd cousin, prince Phillip, so if royalty can do it why can’t we???

i just left his house this morning, with mixed emotions, asking myself “what in the hell am I doing letting myself get hurt” - there’s a bit more to my story than I listed previously - I left my husband and in the process of loosing my house to be with my cousin...  my husband moved out, he’s known for years about my feelings for my cousin, and me having feeling for my cousin didn’t break up our marriage, I wasn’t happy anyway, then one day me and my cousin started talking again last summer and have been since then daily and I see him all the time, it’s sneaking and I don’t like it, but it’s the only way... I have to play by his rules and the more time I spend with him the more I want to be with him...  he holds back his feelings a lot!  He has told me he loves me but I know I love him more...  who knows what will happen?  I cry at some point just about every week wondering what to do....  it’s been 6 months of happy and hell...  since it’s not a normal relationship I’ve put up with far more than I would had I just met him and started seeing him....  

my advise may not be accurate, but just see if he does develops deeper feelings for you, your ahead of the game by your family knowing whereas ours only assumes... 

you can write to me any time, it’s good for all of us to be able to talk to people who have a similar issue going on in our lives, it’s therapy for us in a way....  one reason I googled cousin relationships and found this website...

my heart goes out to you, hang in there if you can... give it another 6 months things can change, back off a little with him verbally about how you feel, let him wonder a little bit too... he may come around this time if he truly developed that love connection❤️

 

One question, do you ever spend the night with each other or weekends?  Do you guys go out in public together?  I stay at his house a lot but he will not go out in public with me because we could run into someone we know...  

 

   To answer your question, yes we do. What normally happens is we will talk and plan a day out of that week to hangout. I go by him and we will either go out to eat, go play pool, or pick something else. Sometimes we will pick up food and wine and make it a movie night. He lets me spend the night or two with him but he is back and forth with his affection. Some days we act like a couple and then some days he will argue with me on the fact we cant really be together because we are cousins. Its kissy-faceing frustrating that he knows he loves me but cant fully give me the rest of his heart. I tell him all the time who the kissy-face is family that we hang out with and talk to this much, and plus we are intimate.  We have to love the holy crapoly! out of each other to go through this for 13 years and still feel the same. I am not this desperate for a man.

 

  I think we both agree that they are making this out to be harder than what it really is. I know we both don't want to waste anymore years on someone (regardless of fam) that cant try at least to give their all. I think that the relationship for you can work if he is willing to go out and have fun with you, maybe even travel. But one thing that these relationships will always be is secretive just family and friends, and the world does not need to know but you have to go out and spend time together. I live in a big city so it's easy for us to go places but he has a hang up on us giving affection in public smh.

.

 

 

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37 minutes ago, Lyric said:

 

   To answer your question, yes we do. What normally happens is we will talk and plan a day out of that week to hangout. I go by him and we will either go out to eat, go play pool, or pick something else. Sometimes we will pick up food and wine and make it a movie night. He lets me spend the night or two with him but he is back and forth with his affection. Some days we act like a couple and then some days he will argue with me on the fact we cant really be together because we are cousins. Its kissy-faceing frustrating that he knows he loves me but cant fully give me the rest of his heart. I tell him all the time who the kissy-face is family that we hang out with and talk to this much, and plus we are intimate.  We have to love the holy crapoly! out of each other to go through this for 13 years and still feel the same. I am not this desperate for a man.

 

  I think we both agree that they are making this out to be harder than what it really is. I know we both don't want to waste anymore years on someone (regardless of fam) that cant try at least to give their all. I think that the relationship for you can work if he is willing to go out and have fun with you, maybe even travel. But one thing that these relationships will always be is secretive just family and friends, and the world does not need to know but you have to go out and spend time together. I live in a big city so it's easy for us to go places but he has a hang up on us giving affection in public smh.

.

 

 

My gosh..... your first paragraph mimics my life with him!!!!!!  We don’t go out though... I do pick up food and take it over or cook for him and take it to him...  he just can’t seem to give me his entire heart either, some nights I’m there he will hug me tight, kiss me and things seem ok, then other days or nights we have talks about “where is this going” he always says “I don’t know, but no one can find out”. This leave my heart broken, I’ve asjed him to at least tell one of our cousins who I think should know only because he lives close by and could see my car there or see me drive by and know I’m going to his house....  it really bothers him that this cousin is going to catch me there for god sakes it’s his property he owns it and he’s a grown man - his house is off the road, and I’ve told him to please just tell him or let me go tell him, he says no he couldn’  face him again!  So I my mind I always wonder what’s going to happen to our relationship if we get “caught” a.m. I just cut out of his life?  This is what keeps me so upset!!!  

I can empathize so much with what you are going thru, you have no idea!!!  I’ve even told him that more people do this than he may think!  I don’t want to tell him about this website so he can read it, he would definitely know this story is us without a doubt... 

keep in touch, if talking or venting helps you... talk to me anytime you want, it helps me to talk about my relationship with him to people who understand and can relate...

Edited by NC30PlusYrs

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39 minutes ago, Lyric said:

 

   To answer your question, yes we do. What normally happens is we will talk and plan a day out of that week to hangout. I go by him and we will either go out to eat, go play pool, or pick something else. Sometimes we will pick up food and wine and make it a movie night. He lets me spend the night or two with him but he is back and forth with his affection. Some days we act like a couple and then some days he will argue with me on the fact we cant really be together because we are cousins. Its kissy-faceing frustrating that he knows he loves me but cant fully give me the rest of his heart. I tell him all the time who the kissy-face is family that we hang out with and talk to this much, and plus we are intimate.  We have to love the holy crapoly! out of each other to go through this for 13 years and still feel the same. I am not this desperate for a man.

 

  I think we both agree that they are making this out to be harder than what it really is. I know we both don't want to waste anymore years on someone (regardless of fam) that cant try at least to give their all. I think that the relationship for you can work if he is willing to go out and have fun with you, maybe even travel. But one thing that these relationships will always be is secretive just family and friends, and the world does not need to know but you have to go out and spend time together. I live in a big city so it's easy for us to go places but he has a hang up on us giving affection in public smh.

.

 

 

And yes.... they are definitely making this harder than it has to be, I totally agree with that 500%

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1 hour ago, Lyric said:

     I understand what everyone is saying about space but we have had years apart dating other people while we flirted and wished we could be together on the side . I have never cheated on anyone for him because I am loyal to the commitment I make to people. At this age if we cant try then I can never come back, I cant waste anymore time on unhealthy situations regardless of him being the one for me. I need to be the one also for him too. I understand that he can feel frustrated that we are going through something that few go through to be together.  It does make us look desperate  and  I wish  that I did not love my cousin but Its not totally my fault and I need him to back me up on that.  We had a talk recently  about him  taking time to see if we could really date or be together for a couple of months to see how it feels. If he feels like this is what he wants after that time then we can continue. Im scared too because I don't want to be a embarrassment for my family or his. It would be hard to have a normal wedding (which I can do without), It will be hard to put our kids in this situation, Can we even post our relationship on facebook? This life with him will be more private and I'm willing to live under a rock with him, but will he?

Those are my exact feelings too...

What you just wrote is how I feel, it’s like looking into a mirror reading that, except I don’t need to marry him, I would but that’s not going to ever happen.  What I want right now is to live with him and see how we would be together - we both have flaws, everyone does, but would ours blend well living together.  I think we could have a very good life together, we like a lot of the same things...  he ask me all the time “why do you love me so muc” I tell him it’s hard to explain, I love him for a lot of reasons but I don’t feel the need to just pour my entire heart out to him right now, he already knows I love him and I do a lot for him...  I just want him to want me and be in love with me... Love is powerful and if he does love me and cannot imagine his life without me, then I think love would come first and he may say the hell with what our family thinks...  I don’t know, that could be wishful thinking or hoping on my part!  All I know is I’m getting tired of going back and forth with what I should do... my mind is always consumed by this situation, some days my nerves get the best of me and I’ll start missing him so much... recently he pulled back for a few weeks and I went from seeing him just about daily to seeing him 2 days for a few weeks... I thought he was taking time away from me slowly to end it and then I thought he may be seeing someone else to try and get over me... he says there are no women he wants to be with in his life right now other than me... but in this unusual relationship and men not being open sometimes women can drive themselves a little crazy at times!  The past 2 weeks we are seeing each other again as normal 4 to 5 days a week, I love sleeping with him, it just feels right being with him?

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38 minutes ago, NC30PlusYrs said:

My gosh..... your first paragraph mimics my life with him!!!!!!  We don’t go out though... I do pick up food and take it over or cook for him and take it to him...  he just can’t seem to give me his entire heart either, some nights I’m there he will hug me tight, kiss me and things seem ok, then other days or nights we have talks about “where is this going” he always says “I don’t know, but no one can find out”. This leave my heart broken, I’ve asjed him to at least tell one of our cousins who I think should know only because he lives close by and could see my car there or see me drive by and know I’m going to his house....  it really bothers him that this cousin is going to catch me there for god sakes it’s his property he owns it and he’s a grown man - his house is off the road, and I’ve told him to please just tell him or let me go tell him, he says no he couldn’  face him again!  So I my mind I always wonder what’s going to happen to our relationship if we get “caught” a.m. I just cut out of his life?  This is what keeps me so upset!!!  

I can empathize so much with what you are going thru, you have no idea!!!  I’ve even told him that more people do this than he may think!  I don’t want to tell him about this website so he can read it, he would definitely know this story is us without a doubt... 

keep in touch, if talking or venting helps you... talk to me anytime you want, it helps me to talk about my relationship with him to people who understand and can relate...

 Girl I've been showing him evidence online and we go through the bible all of the time. He does the same thing to me, one day we are making out and cuddling all day and the next he is making me feel bad for having these feelings for him. Cant he understand we are here for a reason not for sex or companionship but to see if this is real and we cant see if its real if they don't  give it a real try. I rather we both disappear then to have him never decide if we will be. Sometimes I hate him for being here and us having this crazy mental and physical connection I would rather be free from this emotional roller coaster then to waste my life with hope that he will have my back at the end.  We both love these people dearly or we wouldn't be here  but  I need a compromise somewhere.

Thank you for being on here Its hard to be alone in this situation and Its good to here someone has the same issue and I'm not alone.

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It is good to read about your situations. The exact reason I came onto this board. I’ve only been talking to my cousin for a few months but I was wondering if this is unique in our situation (one partner being afraid of the taboo...from what mine has told me he finds it hard to see himself ever getting over it) or if it’s something I shouldn’t try to fight (it’s a situation/opportunity I should just let go of).

After hearing your stories I realize that it seems to go on in other relationships with this dynamic too. So frustrating. I feel like I’m forcing myself to try to talk to and date other people but I really don’t want to. From my experience with him so far, the connection I’ve made with him is by far the best I’ve made with anyone in my 35 years of dating and relationships. 

It’s not like I’m just settling for a cousin...I didn’t even know him until this year. It’s very frustrating. 

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39 minutes ago, Lyric said:

 Girl I've been showing him evidence online and we go through the bible all of the time. He does the same thing to me, one day we are making out and cuddling all day and the next he is making me feel bad for having these feelings for him. Cant he understand we are here for a reason not for sex or companionship but to see if this is real and we cant see if its real if they don't  give it a real try. I rather we both disappear then to have him never decide if we will be. Sometimes I hate him for being here and us having this crazy mental and physical connection I would rather be free from this emotional roller coaster then to waste my life with hope that he will have my back at the end.  We both love these people dearly or we wouldn't be here  but  I need a compromise somewhere.

Thank you for being on here Its hard to be alone in this situation and Its good to here someone has the same issue and I'm not alone.

Omg....  he’s brought out the Bible with me too and I say the exact same thing “roller coaster ride” to him as well!

just like today... he will text me when he gets home from work and during that text he may ask me to come over or he may not... it drives me insane, hurts my feelings etc... I got into an argument over this way of us seeing each other with him last week... I told him I don’t like him not letting me know ahead of time!  Another man, I wouldn’t put up with it!  But him, I do!  Why? I don’t know???

i swear your relationship is the same as mine with your feelings and dealing with a man that just can’t compromise or commit to see “if” this will work!  I know I’m good for him in so many ways, and I know that we could have a great relationship but he has to be in it 100% or one day I’m goung to have to walk away, it kills me just thinking that will happen... I actually have tears in my eyes writing this, it makes me emotional to think one day that could be my reality...  I have no idea where I stand anymore and I’ve never had a relationship like this and I am trying so hard to have patience with his feelings but where’s his understanding with my feelings?

 

thank you for being on here and talking to me... it helps so much to know someone understands what my life is like right now!

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2 minutes ago, ABrad said:

It is good to read about your situations. The exact reason I came onto this board. I’ve only been talking to my cousin for a few months but I was wondering if this is unique in our situation (one partner being afraid of the taboo...from what mine has told me he finds it hard to see himself ever getting over it) or if it’s something I shouldn’t try to fight (it’s a situation/opportunity I should just let go of).

After hearing your stories I realize that it seems to go on in other relationships with this dynamic too. So frustrating. I feel like I’m forcing myself to try to talk to and date other people but I really don’t want to. From my experience with him so far, the connection I’ve made with him is by far the best I’ve made with anyone in my 35 years of dating and relationships. 

It’s not like I’m just settling for a cousin...I didn’t even know him until this year. It’s very frustrating. 

Oh I’ve heard the taboo word so much from him and the word forbidden fruit and is it lust!  I’d like to actually smack him sometimes lol

hang in there with him, don’t force yourself to see someone your not willing to see... I was married and I love my cousin more than I ever loved my husband... I don’t know why but you cannot control your emotions... follow your heart!  See what happens, I am doing it and I’m hanging in there the best way I can for now until we figure it out!  My cousin may come around to fully loving me, I don’t know... it’s a unique situation that’s for sure, but I just can’t let go of him right now, I love him and I can’t picture the rest of my life without him.  

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How do you guys approach who gets in contact with whom? Again, I’ve only talked to mine for like three months but usually what happens (after he first told me he saw us only seeing each other in a situation that he’d never tell friends and family) is that he does the majority of the reaching out. I have pulled back considerably. A lot of times it only makes him increase his pursuit. Which I like but he has yet to move or be more open minded about my request that he tell close family if we are to get physical. He says he can handle a purely platonic relationship (which I believe him) but due to the attraction it usually makes its way toward physical topics after a period (days or weeks even) of time. That’s when we get into a frustrating cycle of me saying, “well, if we’re to get physical then you need to be open with your family.” He’ll say something like, “yeah, people may say they’re supportive but what are they really thinking? (Bc I’ve told him my friends and family have accepted it)” He won’t budge on it so far. 

I pull away after that. He’ll give me space (usually just a day or two) but so far we’ve kept in contact with some regularity (it’ll wane between multiple texts a day to maybe one depending on the space I need). 

I hate it. Wish I could just see him like a normal person...or even a low key one that we both feel comfortable in (and that’s one that we’re open with family and friends). 

Similar experiences? Did either of you meet yours as an adult? 

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20 minutes ago, ABrad said:

How do you guys approach who gets in contact with whom? Again, I’ve only talked to mine for like three months but usually what happens (after he first told me he saw us only seeing each other in a situation that he’d never tell friends and family) is that he does the majority of the reaching out. I have pulled back considerably. A lot of times it only makes him increase his pursuit. Which I like but he has yet to move or be more open minded about my request that he tell close family if we are to get physical. He says he can handle a purely platonic relationship (which I believe him) but due to the attraction it usually makes its way toward physical topics after a period (days or weeks even) of time. That’s when we get into a frustrating cycle of me saying, “well, if we’re to get physical then you need to be open with your family.” He’ll say something like, “yeah, people may say they’re supportive but what are they really thinking? (Bc I’ve told him my friends and family have accepted it)” He won’t budge on it so far. 

I pull away after that. He’ll give me space (usually just a day or two) but so far we’ve kept in contact with some regularity (it’ll wane between multiple texts a day to maybe one depending on the space I need). 

I hate it. Wish I could just see him like a normal person...or even a low key one that we both feel comfortable in (and that’s one that we’re open with family and friends). 

Similar experiences? Did either of you meet yours as an adult? 

We both contact each other daily, each morning I send him a text that says “good morning?” and replies the same, during each day we may talk but briefly on text... every night when he gets home from work he sends a text that’s says “hey” then we talk from there - either he will ask me to come over or if we want to talk on the phone then some nights I stay home but mostly I go over there when we are acting normal for the situation... he’s the one that needs space most of the time, I’m willing to be with him more than he’s willing to be with me.. I need space too don’t get me wrong but I love cuddling up to him in bed every night... one night he didn’t ask me to come over then I text him later and told him I’m coming to climb in bed with you lol and he said ok and I did.... maybe he likes me being demanding sometimes, I don’t really know?

i would go with your heart - I’m going to start this week being more open to him about what we are doing and my concerns on getting hurt, I need to know where his feelings really stand, he’s told me several times that he loves me but he’s not 100% in love with me I don’t think, he hides a lot and pulls away when he starts feeling closer to me I think... I may be wrong, I play the guessing game a lot!!!

getting intimate with him at times has been awkward at first even though years ago we slept together and I was the first girl he slept with too..btw  sex has gotten a lot better, but something within me holds back, I think because I feel he’s not as into it as he could be at times... then other times it’s great???  The entire relationship is different and I wish so badly that we could get past the cousin thing and be in love and do normal couple things...  but I feel it’s nit going to happen anytime soon!  I want to see him tonight but not sure we will, I live 10 mins from him, so it’s easy to see each other....

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3 hours ago, Lyric said:

 

   To answer your question, yes we do. What normally happens is we will talk and plan a day out of that week to hangout. I go by him and we will either go out to eat, go play pool, or pick something else. Sometimes we will pick up food and wine and make it a movie night. He lets me spend the night or two with him but he is back and forth with his affection. Some days we act like a couple and then some days he will argue with me on the fact we cant really be together because we are cousins. Its kissy-faceing frustrating that he knows he loves me but cant fully give me the rest of his heart. I tell him all the time who the kissy-face is family that we hang out with and talk to this much, and plus we are intimate.  We have to love the holy crapoly! out of each other to go through this for 13 years and still feel the same. I am not this desperate for a man.

 

  I think we both agree that they are making this out to be harder than what it really is. I know we both don't want to waste anymore years on someone (regardless of fam) that cant try at least to give their all. I think that the relationship for you can work if he is willing to go out and have fun with you, maybe even travel. But one thing that these relationships will always be is secretive just family and friends, and the world does not need to know but you have to go out and spend time together. I live in a big city so it's easy for us to go places but he has a hang up on us giving affection in public smh.

.

 

 

Truer words haven’t been spoken then when you mention that no other guy would receive the patience they’ve been given in our situations. I’ve told my close friend that. The one I’ve confided in the most. No other guy would possibly get as many passes as the guy I’m talking to now (my cousin...again...I didn’t grow up with him but there’s a default connection that comes from being part of the same family...even if it’s distant). Much more of a connection than anyone I’ve ever met and want to meet to be honest (at least at this point in the relationship from what I can tell so far). 

I’m not desperate for a man either. It’s just too bad the one I enjoy this connection with happens to share a branch of my family tree (even though it’s not immediate...although close enough to raise eyebrows as a second cousin). 

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3 minutes ago, ABrad said:

How do you guys approach who gets in contact with whom? Again, I’ve only talked to mine for like three months but usually what happens (after he first told me he saw us only seeing each other in a situation that he’d never tell friends and family) is that he does the majority of the reaching out. I have pulled back considerably. A lot of times it only makes him increase his pursuit. Which I like but he has yet to move or be more open minded about my request that he tell close family if we are to get physical. He says he can handle a purely platonic relationship (which I believe him) but due to the attraction it usually makes its way toward physical topics after a period (days or weeks even) of time. That’s when we get into a frustrating cycle of me saying, “well, if we’re to get physical then you need to be open with your family.” He’ll say something like, “yeah, people may say they’re supportive but what are they really thinking? (Bc I’ve told him my friends and family have accepted it)” He won’t budge on it so far. 

I pull away after that. He’ll give me space (usually just a day or two) but so far we’ve kept in contact with some regularity (it’ll wane between multiple texts a day to maybe one depending on the space I need). 

I hate it. Wish I could just see him like a normal person...or even a low key one that we both feel comfortable in (and that’s one that we’re open with family and friends). 

Similar experiences? Did either of you meet yours as an adult? 

We started when we were teenagers and we thought the love and attraction would go away but it never did. What happens with me is in the past we would contact each other after a long period of space and because I have had this issue with him before I try to be normal and not go there with him but he always brings us up and flirts the whole time. He tells me that if we weren't cousins we would be married. We end up planing to hang out with each other and when that happens we end up being intimate and having feelings all over again. Then I get to a point with him where I want more and he is still stuck in the middle.

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7 minutes ago, Lyric said:

We started when we were teenagers and we thought the love and attraction would go away but it never did. What happens with me is in the past we would contact each other after a long period of space and because I have had this issue with him before I try to be normal and not go there with him but he always brings us up and flirts the whole time. He tells me that if we weren't cousins we would be married. We end up planing to hang out with each other and when that happens we end up being intimate and having feelings all over again. Then I get to a point with him where I want more and he is still stuck in the middle.

Yep... sounds very familiar same here, we first kissed when I was about 12 then intimately when I was 16 and from there we’d see each other often then space then again and again then space... this is the first time we’ve had privacy to actually spend the night with each other these last 6 months and it feels good but then he’s the way he is with family etc finding out....  I don’t care who knows, but I care about his feelings that he doesn’t want anyone to know.   He did tell one of his closest friends who told him it’s ok.... but he still feels like we are committing a crime lol. No other man would get the patience I’ve had!!!!

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52 minutes ago, Lyric said:

We started when we were teenagers and we thought the love and attraction would go away but it never did. What happens with me is in the past we would contact each other after a long period of space and because I have had this issue with him before I try to be normal and not go there with him but he always brings us up and flirts the whole time. He tells me that if we weren't cousins we would be married. We end up planing to hang out with each other and when that happens we end up being intimate and having feelings all over again. Then I get to a point with him where I want more and he is still stuck in the middle.

Yep, I do understand that.... it’s very frustrating to the point you want to scream sometimes but what good would it do...  I’m going to talk more to him tonight if I get the right opportunity and it’s in person then I can see his facial expressions as well...  I feel like after all these months of daily talk/texting and seeing each other every weekend and staying at his house several nights each week.... something needs to give a little in my direction - as in, he needs to be more open with me about what he thinks, what he feels and what does he see in our future!

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1 minute ago, NC30PlusYrs said:

Yep, I do understand that.... it’s very frustrating to the point you want to scream sometimes but what good would it do...  I’m going to talk more to him tonight if I get the right opportunity and it’s in person then I can see his facial expressions as well...  I feel like after all these months of daily talk/texting and seeing each other every weekend and staying at his house several nights each week.... something needs to give a little in my direction - as in, he needs to be more open with me about what he thinks, what he feels and what does he see in our future!

I agree. I just want them to honestly try and stop thinking about everyone else.

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