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Hello,

I am nervous to share my story but I need to now with people who understand.

My older first cousin (he is 38 and I am 33) who I was very good friends with for about 9 years before the below, asked me to take a trip with him 5.5 years ago. I had been looking after my Dad who was recovering from Cancer, so now that he was improving, I welcomed the break. My cousin lives and works in another State and always has.

My cousin was always very protective with me and I really liked our relationship. The first morning of the trip, he came on to me in bed and I was in complete shock. I loved him and thought that if he was doing this, it must be okay. Sounds naive, I know. The next day he did it again and we ended up being intimate. I was really confused and in shock I think. I still am, 5.5 years later. 

This continued and we developed feelings for each other, however he initiated everything. He mentioned getting married and wanted us to have kids, etc. We went on another trip and he told me that he wanted to take a chance on us and to trust him. He said he’d never hurt me... 

I trusted him and cared a lot about him. I knew he had a drinking problem but I was used to that as my Dad drank a lot. Not a good thing, I know. We continued our trips and love affair but his exes would always text him and I didn’t like it. I wanted to focus on the future, not the past. He said he couldn’t control it and it continued. I also saw a text conversation between him and a girl in his phone with “xoxo” but I didn’t know what it was and never said anything. 

I always knew he was a “ladies man” but I thought it would be different as we were so close and cousins. I was always his rock and he always called me whenever anything important happened. He got mad at me on a trip because I spoke to his brother on the phone when he didn’t want me to. They never really got along well. He thought I might be pregnant this whole trip even though I said I wasn’t. We went to get a test and it was negative. He was very mad and slept on the couch and almost flew home early. He never would explain why he got so mad, but after that, everything blew up. He literally dropped me off at a hotel by myself to catch a flight back home the next day. I was crushed and very angry. 

For the next 5 years, he would call and text constantly when he wanted and then disappear again. He was never there when I needed him. Not once. He was drinking and partying with women he meets online and had no time for me anymore. I still had feelings and he would act romantic with me and then disappear again and again. 

In March of 2017, we saw each other for the last time and it was actually a nice trip. Things improved for a while after and then he got distant again and I figured there was someone else. At the end of the month, I had a pregnancy scare. He was psychotic over it and when I said I wasn’t and sent him a picture of the test, he was very angry. Then he disappeared again. 

It turns out, in early April 2017, he slept with a woman he met online and a few months later, she told him she was pregnant. He was still calling me all this time and would call up to 50+ times if I didn’t answer. 

The baby is now born and they aren’t together. It broke my heart that he impregnated someone right after we were together. He called me a couple weeks ago several times when the baby was born and was saying how awful the situation is for him and how sorry he was for hurting me. He was drunk of course. 

I am now an emotional mess and isolate myself a lot as I am heart broken that my friend and cousin treated me like a disposable doll. I really did love him and it felt very right, which we both said. 

He ended up telling his brother about us because his brother asked he said. I have only ever told one friend he is my cousin. My Mom once asked if we were dating but I just ignored it. 

I have been having suicidal thoughts for a few years now and have been working with a therapist about it. I am now on antidepressants and have changed a lot. I feel that if he can do this to me, anyone can, so I am exhausted trying to heal. 

Did I make a mistake other than being a naive young woman (28 when it began)? I think he was wrong to mislead me for sex all these years. I am his little cousin after all :(

Thank you for reading this. 

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He clearly is not right in the head and you did absolutely nothing wrong.

Cousin relationships are naturally more emotional and naturally have a stronger bond than regular relationships.  There overall is a stronger connection and dare I say, a stronger instinct to be true to the person and once cousins are together, many turn into lasting relationships.  Cousins bring out a feeling of easier to trust and depend upon, with a strong feeling to commit.  The percentage of those who do marry, have a much lower percentage of ever separating, as opposed to regular couples.

The fact that he did not feel these ways, is solid evidence that he is not mentally or emotionally stable (he is completely unstable).  Take comfort in knowing the fault of this is 100% on him since you not only did everything right, you followed what was natural and normal between cousin couples. -- He's just an a** and as painful that makes you feel, you shouldn't let his broken self, change who you.

Edited by CousinILoveYou
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Sounds like he took advantage of you because you were in a vulnerable place after your dad's issues. There's nothing wrong with you, now is time to let it go and move forward

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I recommend you not following him on any social media. Break off communication with him because it will make things easier.

Pooch

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21 hours ago, CousinILoveYou said:

He clearly is not right in the head and you did absolutely nothing wrong.

Cousin relationships are naturally more emotional and naturally have a stronger bond than regular relationships.  There overall is a stronger connection and dare I say, a stronger instinct to be true to the person and once cousins are together, many turn into lasting relationships.  Cousins bring out a feeling of easier to trust and depend upon, with a strong feeling to commit.  The percentage of those who do marry, have a much lower percentage of ever separating, as opposed to regular couples.

The fact that he did not feel these ways, is solid evidence that he is not mentally or emotionally stable (he is completely unstable).  Take comfort in knowing the fault of this is 100% on him since you not only did everything right, you followed what was natural and normal between cousin couples. -- He's just an a** and as painful that makes you feel, you shouldn't let his broken self, change who you.

Thank you SO much for your words 😊!!! Reading your response was a massive breath of fresh air and took the huge weight off my shoulders. 

I agree completely with what you said about the stronger bond and everything. I believe this is why it’s been next to impossible for me to let go of all the pain and disappointment: I loved a complete jerk who also betrayed me as a cousin... after HE begged me to trust him and take a chance on us, which I did 100%. 

Our Great Grandparents were first cousins and had a wonderful relationship that lasted their lifetimes. I guess this won’t be the case for us. 

I cannot thank you enough for what you’ve said. 

Edited by Sparkly
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16 hours ago, RIVA said:

Sounds like he took advantage of you because you were in a vulnerable place after your dad's issues. There's nothing wrong with you, now is time to let it go and move forward

I never realized my vulnerability. Very good point. 

Thank you for saying there’s nothing wrong with me. For 5.5 years, I have tormented myself every day. 

I am trying really hard to let it go and move forward. Thank you again. 

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11 hours ago, pooch said:

I recommend you not following him on any social media. Break off communication with him because it will make things easier.

Pooch

Thankfully, I don’t have any social media... but I agree for sure. It’s so hard to block him on my phone as I feel I am abandoning him or something, but I have blocked him now. He calls from other unknown numbers too, so I am working on coming up with a good response that will keep me strong in not engaging again. 

Appreciate it! 

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