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Pickledpie

Things have gotten complicated

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Hello, 

I am looking to get some feedback about a current situation I am in with a first cousin. 

My cousin and I have been really close friends for the past couple years. We hang out a lot and always shared what I would describe as a platonic brother/sister bond (at least I thought). A few weeks ago my cousin came by to visit me and that's when he opened up about how he felt about me. I can't recall exactly what he said, but he said something along the lines of fantasizing about me, and that he wanted us to indulge. I was caught off guard because like I said, our relationship has always been platonic. I tried to shut down the conversation as nice as nicely as I could. I mean, I appreciate that he was brave enough to tell me this, but I also explained to him that he shouldn't be feeling this way. He tried to convince me but I still said no. We then decided to go out to grab some food and on the way back we stayed in car awhile talking about why this wouldn't work. Before left for home, he kissed me. I didn't stop him, I kissed back. In that moment all these feelings I didn't have for my cousin came rushing in. After a very long make out session he left. After he left, we spoke and I told him that I did 6th ink it was a good idea for us to hang out alone anymore so that things wouldn't become complicated. 

A few days later he came by to see me again. This time felt different. It wasn't like our usually hang out sessions where we'd chill and talk, and at times even do our own thing. This time there was an energy, at least on my end. I don't know how to describe the feeling, but it was that of desire. A part of me wanted to indulge, while another was telling me not to. As we layed on my bed, as we normally do, I found myself cuddling with him, something that is outside of our norm. That then led to everything except homerun. Omg, I couldn't believe, that my cousin and I actually did that... My mind grew confused. 

But it didn't stop there, a few days later, we were hanging out and this time we went by his place. Again we cuddled, and again that led to this time including homerun. By this time, I think the little hamster in my brain stopped spinning. I was numb...i couldn't believe that we actually did it. Right after he said that he didn't think it was a good idea for us to hang out alone anymore. I felt kind of hurt, because we already gone all the way, why are you saying this now. This was what I had said to him the first night, and had he listened we would have never ended up in this web. 

About we week later we went on a trip together;one that we had planned for some while. The trip was just supposed to be him and I, but I invited a third person a few weeks prior as a way of trying to prevent something like this. Nevertheless, we found a line time on the trip and ended up having sex again. 

I don't know what to make of all this. A part of me wants to indulge while another part tells me no. Its not that I think cousin-cousin relations are wrong, I just don't want to risk complicating things with someone I really care about (platonicly, if I can still say that). 

Please advise

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Hi there,

First of all, welcome to the forum! :) Thanks for sharing. First question is: Is he cute? Like attractive, even sexually attractive..? Like, is he cute in that way to you? Please rate from 0-10. 10 being Tom Cruise. ;) Also, may I ask how old are you guys? Are you guys still in college? Thirdly, do you have a boyfriend? How about him -- does he have a girlfriend? I will answer the rest afterwards. 

Pooch

Edited by pooch
Added third question

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wow pooch LOL, that's the most unusual response i've ever seen you post! besides... tom cruise? really? you're thinking OUR age, not hers! if she's in college she's probably thinking cruise is kinda cute for an old fart LOL.

pickledpie, i think what you're experiencing is a rush of hormones mixed with the excitement of a taboo. honestly, the fact that he suggested cooling things off AFTER you had sex with him sends up major, major red flags. he told you from the start that he wanted to fulfill his fantasy about sleeping with you (or something to that effect) and now he has. you may no longer be useful to him other than as a bed warmer until someone "safe" comes along.

but i guess there is no putting the genie back in the bottle, and you'll probably pursue this right to the bottom of heartbreak ridge. i hope i'm wrong.

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13 minutes ago, LadyC said:

wow pooch LOL, that's the most unusual response i've ever seen you post! besides... tom cruise? really? you're thinking OUR age, not hers! if she's in college she's probably thinking cruise is kinda cute for an old fart LOL.

pickledpie, i think what you're experiencing is a rush of hormones mixed with the excitement of a taboo. honestly, the fact that he suggested cooling things off AFTER you had sex with him sends up major, major red flags. he told you from the start that he wanted to fulfill his fantasy about sleeping with you (or something to that effect) and now he has. you may no longer be useful to him other than as a bed warmer until someone "safe" comes along.

but i guess there is no putting the genie back in the bottle, and you'll probably pursue this right to the bottom of heartbreak ridge. i hope i'm wrong.

LOL! LadyC Now you just hit a funny bone in me. You are so right! Tom Cruise is our age. Omg I'm losing it! :lol: ha ha ha ha! (I know I rarely post like that... But sometimes I do. nyahahaha!) And just when I thought that Tom Cruise was the standard of being a catch...  **facepalm**  Well, I sure bet your cousin-husband is more attractive than Tom Cruise! :Dhahaha

Pooch

 

PS: Sooo.. Uhh.. Pickledpie, if there's an actor that resembles him, a celebrity or something like that, may I know who could that be? It does not have to be in Hollywood... I just thought that he would be supercute (bolded and emphasis added) for you, am I right? ;)

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23 minutes ago, LadyC said:

wow pooch LOL, that's the most unusual response i've ever seen you post! besides... tom cruise? really? you're thinking OUR age, not hers! if she's in college she's probably thinking cruise is kinda cute for an old fart LOL.

pickledpie, i think what you're experiencing is a rush of hormones mixed with the excitement of a taboo. honestly, the fact that he suggested cooling things off AFTER you had sex with him sends up major, major red flags. he told you from the start that he wanted to fulfill his fantasy about sleeping with you (or something to that effect) and now he has. you may no longer be useful to him other than as a bed warmer until someone "safe" comes along.

but i guess there is no putting the genie back in the bottle, and you'll probably pursue this right to the bottom of heartbreak ridge. i hope i'm wrong.

Lady C, this is too realistic (and I don't know what emoticon I would put). :ph34r: LOL

 

++++

 

Okay, let me post something of substance and be an older brother to you, Pickledpipe, okay? :)

Hi again. So the relationship is about a couple of years now. That is a long time. During this time of 2 years, I guess my question to Pickledpipe is do you feel any attraction to him though? ^_^ You mentioned that your relationship with him before 'the kiss' is platonic. Sure, no problem. If that's what you wanted it to be -- no problem. But honestly though, is there any hint/sliver/small percentage of you know...being with him more than friends? Probably him being your boyfriend of some sort? Or some sort of curiousity? I dunno..:unsure: Do you have those feelings? You know what though, I can deduce that he is your first boyfriend. Am I right? (Or is it too quick to tell for now?) Correct me if I am wrong... :P

16 hours ago, Pickledpie said:

I tried to shut down the conversation as nice as nicely as I could. I mean, I appreciate that he was brave enough to tell me this, but I also explained to him that he shouldn't be feeling this way. He tried to convince me but I still said no. We then decided to go out to grab some food and on the way back we stayed in car awhile talking about why this wouldn't work

I see.. You said that you shut down the conversation as nicely as you could...:)

But then is this shutting down of the conversation just like other guys who made advances towards you in the past in school? Was that the case? I want to know how did you 'shut him down'? Like did you do it in a joking way? In a stern way? In a decisive way? In a 'panic way' like "HEY! where's the fries?! I AM SO GONNA TELL MOM!" blah blah blah... Know what I mean? How did you do it? I'm pretty sure you were shocked as well, right? And it seems to me that you appreciated his courage in really putting his foot forward to you and saying his feelings....^_^

Response?

 

 

Pooch

 

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Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing!  I hope I'm wrong, but I think LadyC may be right.  There's no way of any of us knowing what's in his heart or mind.  Possibly he's a little freaked out right now.  Maybe he has much more long-term in mind but doesn't know what to do about that, given the confusion caused by being cousins.  No doubt you're also feeling confused, even if he hadn't said what he did.

Joining as you have is the most intimate thing a man and woman can do and, given the intensity and depth of your friendship leading up to that, it's bound to have deep emotional impact on you both.  The only thing you can do is talk it through.  I recommend long phone conversations.  Not text.  Not in person (lest you end up talking about it the same way you have already twice).  And not just once.  Talk about it, sleep on that conversation, and talk again.  Wash, rinse, and repeat.

There are really three conclusions:  1) for better or worse, you'll go your separate ways and it won't happen again; 2) you'll attempt to revert to the way things were before (which will fail); or 3) you'll end up married and having to figure out how to explain this to mom, dad, siblings and others.  While that may presently sound shocking, don't be terribly surprised; a quarter of a century later, here my wife and I are as proof that it can work :)

God bless and best wishes,

CM

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13 hours ago, pooch said:

Hi there,

First of all, welcome to the forum! :) Thanks for sharing. First question is: Is he cute? Like attractive, even sexually attractive..? Like, is he cute in that way to you? Please rate from 0-10. 10 being Tom Cruise. ;) Also, may I ask how old are you guys? Are you guys still in college? Thirdly, do you have a boyfriend? How about him -- does he have a girlfriend? I will answer the rest afterwards. 

Pooch

Hi Pooch, 

I appreciate your inquisition. I gotta admit this whole thing is kind of weird for me; from what occurred between my cousin and I, to me posting in a forum. But I don't have anyone else I can talk to. 

If it matters, my cousin is quite handsome. Numerically, I said he's about an 8 or 8.5 outta 10.  I have told him he was a goodlooking chap  on many occasions - - however, NEVER in a sexualized way. More like, "you're a handsome guy, you'll find a gorgeous girl one day" kind of thing. You know, pep talk. 

Just to maintain anonymity, I'll say that we're both post university and hovering in the mid to late 20s age bracket. Now, this is where the true complications set in, the part which I left out...He and I are both in separate committed relationships to two amazing people. 

Since this situation arouse, I have spent time trying to reflect on how we ended up here. What did I do or didn't do? What signs did I send out? He's made sly comments in the past, but I've always shut it down by joking it off. Maybe that's where I went wrong. 

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10 hours ago, LadyC said:

pickledpie, i think what you're experiencing is a rush of hormones mixed with the excitement of a taboo. honestly, the fact that he suggested cooling things off AFTER you had sex with him sends up major, major red flags. he told you from the start that he wanted to fulfill his fantasy about sleeping with you (or something to that effect) and now he has. you may no longer be useful to him other than as a bed warmer until someone "safe" comes along.

but i guess there is no putting the genie back in the bottle, and you'll probably pursue this right to the bottom of heartbreak ridge. i hope i'm wrong.

I feel like pandora's box has just busted open on a relationship that I cherished so much. My cousin is one of my closest closest and dearest friend, and now I feel like I'm going to lose it all. He's tried to reassure me that this won't happen but I can't help but feel as though the dissolution of our relationship has already started. We used to hang out one on one all the time; he'd fall asleep at my house and has even slept next to me in my bed over 50x platonic all. However, since this incident has occurred we haven't been able to hang out alone without something transpiring. 

I'm just so confused. I have an great guy in my life that it breaks my heart just thinking about hurting. And my cousin has a lovely girlfriend whom I am well acquainted with. I want to put the "genie" back in the bottle as you say but I also don't want to lose one of my best friends. 

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1 hour ago, ColoradoMarried said:

There are really three conclusions:  1) for better or worse, you'll go your separate ways and it won't happen again; 2) you'll attempt to revert to the way things were before (which will fail); or 3) you'll end up married and having to figure out how to explain this to mom, dad, siblings and others.  While that may presently sound shocking, don't be terribly surprised; a quarter of a century later, here my wife and I are as proof that it can work :)

God bless and best wishes,

CM

I definitely have no desire to be in a relationship with my cousin. Not that I think it's wrong, I just don't see the guy that way. I just want to my friend back. 

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Ahhh.. I see.. Now the plot thickens. ;) I knew it coming. hehe :D

 

Hi again Pickledpipe,

You said, "But I don't have anyone else I can talk to". 

Errr... Yeah you do. Your boyfriend! Your boyfriend is your guy, your man. You are his. How is your relationship with your boyfriend though? Is it going strong? Or is it on the rocks? Please do not leave any information my friend...lest any help will be left out as well. Know what I am saying? These are critical stuff and I know there's a lot of things to process but here we are for yah. ;) By the way, thanks for hanging out here in the forum. You are anonymous here... You don't know me and I don't know you, but we have the same situation regarding cousin relationships so I guess we help each other out, eh? :) Now on to some responses....

You said that your friendship with your cousin grew stronger within the last couple of years. If you guys are in your mid-20s, then is it fair to say that you guys did not grow up together? Like, what transpired that makes this friendship stronger? You see, I got relatives/cousins too and some I treat as my friends. But the close ones are the ones that I grew up with. Like the ones that either are my neighbors (they lived close to where I live) or the ones that I shared interest with upon meeting them for the first time. So I guess my question is that how did you and your cousin really became close friends a couple of years ago? Did his family move to where you guys are at now? Or vice versa? Or was he a "long lost cousin" that you never knew before that but for some reason got in touch with that sparked the connection and stuff? I just want to know how your friendship with your cousin is.

You see, I do believe that "a friend" is different from "a best friend". All cousins are friends but not everyone are best friends....And the best friends are the ones that potentially crosses over to the relationship category even all the more to the sex-category. I find that you guys are best friends, am I right? Sooo....I guess it is becoming more than that...and now deflating faster than I can imagine. Don't worry though, we can still put the genie back in the bottle. :) (Silly me, Christina Aguilera is ringing in my ears as I type this -- I am a genie in the bottle" lol :lol: 

 

Pooch

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3 hours ago, Pickledpie said:

Hi Pooch, 

I appreciate your inquisition. I gotta admit this whole thing is kind of weird for me; from what occurred between my cousin and I, to me posting in a forum. But I don't have anyone else I can talk to. 

If it matters, my cousin is quite handsome. Numerically, I said he's about an 8 or 8.5 outta 10.  I have told him he was a goodlooking chap  on many occasions - - however, NEVER in a sexualized way. More like, "you're a handsome guy, you'll find a gorgeous girl one day" kind of thing. You know, pep talk. 

Just to maintain anonymity, I'll say that we're both post university and hovering in the mid to late 20s age bracket. Now, this is where the true complications set in, the part which I left out...He and I are both in separate committed relationships to two amazing people. 

Since this situation arouse, I have spent time trying to reflect on how we ended up here. What did I do or didn't do? What signs did I send out? He's made sly comments in the past, but I've always shut it down by joking it off. Maybe that's where I went wrong. 

Inasmuch as I want to believe you, I will have LadyC answer this. -_-

Coz you know what? I can't. I just can't. There is just too much here.

For me, this post just tells me tons. I have lots to say on the purple. I want to talk about your boyfriend and your relationship with him. I have lots to say about the red especially the fact that I am a guy. I want to ask about your 8-8.5/10, the psychology of what's happening and many many more. And so it does matter that I ask you numerically how is he looking. ;) At the same time, I have lots to say on the green. You are in your mid-20s, not in freaking high school. Oh my oh my.... Here we gooo... And lastly, lots to say on the orange. My impression is a mix of repression, denial and rationalization. Come on now... it's not about reflection is what you need my friend. Actually, it's about opening your eyes...

Soooo.. I will let other CC forumers bring that out... I will focus on other things instead but I want to save my comments for later. So I will refer to this post if the thread continues. Here's an important question. Remember that you are anonymous here, I don't know you and you don't know me. So I want you to be honest. Ask yourself though, Was the sex with him (your cousin) amazing? How is the sex? Like if you will rate it 0-10, and 10 is  heaven, I will bet my million dollars (not that I have any lol) that it is a 10, correct? I mean, especially the time when you guys went to the trip? I doubt it if it is just a quick thing... Or even if it is, it is still a 10, right?

Oh, just by passing, he is a good kisser, eh? He does not kiss like a grandpa? :wub:

 

Pooch

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Oh my! Things got complicated indeed! So this definitely changes approach and my earlier response a bit. I’d already guessed or assumed you were both around late 20s from language use but somehow didn’t think to ask about anyone else.

important questions: by “committed”, would either of these involve the term “currently married” in the classical sense? And do either involve children? I ask because my advice will be nuanced accordingly.

CM

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3 hours ago, pooch said:

For me, this post just tells me tons. I have lots to say on the purple. I want to talk about your boyfriend and your relationship with him. I have lots to say about the red especially the fact that I am a guy. I want to ask about your 8-8.5/10, the psychology of what's happening and many many more. And so it does matter that I ask you numerically how is he looking. ;) At the same time, I have lots to say on the green. You are in your mid-20s, not in freaking high school. Oh my oh my.... Here we gooo... And lastly, lots to say on the orange. My impression is a mix of repression, denial and rationalization. Come on now... it's not about reflection is what you need my friend. Actually, it's about opening your eyes...

Soooo.. I will let other CC forumers bring that out... I will focus on other things instead but I want to save my comments for later. So I will refer to this post if the thread continues. Here's an important question. Remember that you are anonymous here, I don't know you and you don't know me. So I want you to be honest. Ask yourself though, Was the sex with him (your cousin) amazing? How is the sex? Like if you will rate it 0-10, and 10 is  heaven, I will bet my million dollars (not that I have any lol) that it is a 10, correct? I mean, especially the time when you guys went to the trip? I doubt it if it is just a quick thing... Or even if it is, it is still a 10, right?

Oh, just by passing, he is a good kisser, eh? He does not kiss like a grandpa? :wub:

 

Pooch

I assume that you and the others in this forum are well experienced on the matter of cousin-cousin relations so your thoughts and opinions are very much appreciated. Maybe gbey will help to give me some clarity,  as i still remain confused. 

Honestly, the sex was...nothing to be remembered. It didn't last long and I for one didn't climax. The whole thing was so anticlimactic that I had to tell him....he was apologetic and said that my comment was hurtful (sigh). 

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6 minutes ago, Pickledpie said:

Honestly, the sex was...nothing to be remembered. It didn't last long and I for one didn't climax. The whole thing was so anticlimactic that I had to tell him....he was apologetic and said that my comment was hurtful (sigh). 

Aaarrgghhh... ouch.

 

Pooch

 

ps:

Oh wait. How come it happened more than once though? *scratches head**

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2 hours ago, ColoradoMarried said:

important questions: by “committed”, would either of these involve the term “currently married” in the classical sense? And do either involve children? I ask because my advice will be nuanced accordingly.

CM

Not married and no children. 

My boyfriend is the most amazing guy ever and I really care about him. The day that my cousin expressed his feelings to me I mentioned that I would never want to cheat on my bf, because he is simply amazing (My cousin on the other hand, steps out on his gf any chance he gets). In that same moment I shifted the conversation to how he should appreciate what he has (an amazing gf) before he loses it all...but still managed to end up here.  In the moment he had kissed me, I felt something...almost like an energy pulling me to him, that I couldn't help myself but to kissed back. It felt wrong, it felt right. It's like a desire has awoken... And i just want to out the kissy-faceing flames

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7 minutes ago, pooch said:

Oh wait. How come it happened more than once though? *scratches head**

It really only happened "once" but because I'm a very technical person I say twice. On the first occasion, he entered me and pulled out, no thrusts. It was on vacay that we actually fully indulged. 

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3 hours ago, pooch said:

You said, "But I don't have anyone else I can talk to". 

Errr... Yeah you do. Your boyfriend! Your boyfriend is your guy, your man. You are his. How is your relationship with your boyfriend though? Is it going strong? Or is it on the rocks? 

My bf is an amazing man. Smart, funny, educated, treats me well, the whole 9. I have never had so much of a thought of stepping out on him. So that's also what pickles me. How in the hell did I wind up here? 

As much I would love to be open and honest with my boyfriend...i can't. He's a no nonsense type of guy and I will lose him. I know I know, why didn't I think of all this before, right? I don't have a good enough explanation for that. As Lady mentioned, when he kissed me I got lost in the hormones mixed with the taboo. kissy-face

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34 minutes ago, Pickledpie said:

It really only happened "once" but because I'm a very technical person I say twice. On the first occasion, he entered me and pulled out, no thrusts. It was on vacay that we actually fully indulged. 

Got it. Understood. :) How did you guys became best friends though? Let me quote myself again,

Quote

You said that your friendship with your cousin grew stronger within the last couple of years. If you guys are in your mid-20s, then is it fair to say that you guys did not grow up together? Like, what transpired that makes this friendship stronger? You see, I got relatives/cousins too and some I treat as my friends. But the close ones are the ones that I grew up with. Like the ones that either are my neighbors (they lived close to where I live) or the ones that I shared interest with upon meeting them for the first time. So I guess my question is that how did you and your cousin really became close friends a couple of years ago? Did his family move to where you guys are at now? Or vice versa? Or was he a "long lost cousin" that you never knew before that but for some reason got in touch with that sparked the connection and stuff? I just want to know how your friendship with your cousin is.

 

 

Also, on his first advance, how did you shut him off?

Quote

 

But then is this shutting down of the conversation just like other guys who made advances towards you in the past in school? Was that the case? I want to know how did you 'shut him down'? Like did you do it in a joking way? In a stern way? In a decisive way? In a 'panic way' like "HEY! where's the fries?! I AM SO GONNA TELL MOM!" blah blah blah... Know what I mean? How did you do it? I'm pretty sure you were shocked as well, right? And it seems to me that you appreciated his courage in really putting his foot forward to you and saying his feelings....^_^

 

You said,

Quote

Since this situation arouse, I have spent time trying to reflect on how we ended up here. What did I do or didn't do? What signs did I send out? He's made sly comments in the past, but I've always shut it down by joking it off. Maybe that's where I went wrong. 

So did you or did you not take his advances seriously? I mean, how much weight did you put it on his words?

Was it like, "Dude, you can't be serious, are you?" or "Hahaha.. You crazy.. hahaha!" :blink:

Which one of the two? know what I mean? How did you say it (if you can remember)?

And why did you react that way (in a joking way)? Tryna diffuse stuff or something....? I wanna know what you were thinking....

 

 

Pooch

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29 minutes ago, Pickledpie said:

My bf is an amazing man. Smart, funny, educated, treats me well, the whole 9. I have never had so much of a thought of stepping out on him. So that's also what pickles me. How in the hell did I wind up here? 

As much I would love to be open and honest with my boyfriend...i can't. He's a no nonsense type of guy and I will lose him. I know I know, why didn't I think of all this before, right? I don't have a good enough explanation for that. As Lady mentioned, when he kissed me I got lost in the hormones mixed with the taboo. kissy-face

Let me ask you a hypothetical question, alright?

Let's suppose the sex was good. Let's suppose. You said that it wasn't (unfortunately or fortunately or whatever. lol). But let's suppose it was good. Like REALLY good. ;) Do you think you will be here? I mean, do you think things can roll the right way on your end? Like, what I mean is that, you won't regret things afterwards, you won't fear that you will lose him, and so on and so forth?

For example, how do you want him to handle the situation the first time? Coz you said that he was 'apologetic' and he said that it wasn't a good idea anymore that you guys should hang out alone together and all.. so you were like, "What the hell? Why say that now?!" know what I mean? Or like the second time, if he made the sex a 10, shouldn't it be....... fantastic? :ph34r:

 

Pooch

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pooch, you're really starting to creep me out.

pickled, you've already LET that genie out of the bottle. you can't put it back in. you have learned a valuable but heartwrenching lesson... that your actions have consequences, and those consequences are that by getting carried away with the excitement, the taboo, the hormones, you have forever changed your relationship with your cousin.

and with your boyfriend.

i get that you miss your best friend, but you are never going to get that back again. not the way it was. 

and your relationship with your boyfriend, even if he never finds out, is going to be shadowed by the fact that you did step out on him. and the only way to minimize that damage going forward is to accept that you have lost your best friend and leave it (and him) in the past. you can't, i repeat you can NOT ever get back the casual platonic relationship that you once had with him. it will never ever be the same. it's done, it's over.

so now you have a decision to make... and decisions are always easiest made when all those shades of grey are removed and the picture becomes black and white. i hope i've helped you to eliminate the grey... because your choice is now very simple.

is chasing a friendship that you can never recapture the innocence of worth taking a machete to the amazing relationship with a boyfriend that you may still have a future with?

are you willing to sacrifice your relationship with your amazing boyfriend for the uncertainty of whatever this anti-climactic hormonal rush you have with your cousin?

or are you willing to sacrifice whatever that was for the sake of an amazing boyfriend that you might be able to see yourself growing old with?

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2 hours ago, LadyC said:

pooch, you're really starting to creep me out.

LadyC,

Don't be afraid... Everything is under control... ^_^ Just figuring out stuff, hopefully I'm not too much *peace sign*

 

Pickledpipe,

Yep, I agree with LadyC. The genie is out of the bottle -- and it is a point of no return. :( It's over. You made a mistake and I think you know that as well. Sigh.. I

3 hours ago, Pickledpie said:

As much I would love to be open and honest with my boyfriend...i can't. He's a no nonsense type of guy and I will lose him

You know what? I believe this portion of what you said. You are afraid of losing your bf and I'm pretty sure that you will really lose him if he finds out. He is going to be hurt. He is going to feel betrayed. And there's nothing you can do about it. What if your cousin for some reason told somebody, gets the word out, then for some unknown reason your boyfriend founds out? It's not gonna be pretty... :( That's why I mentioned  to really look at the big picure. Do you love your boyfriend? Like seriously. Do you? You say that he is an amazing person -- but do you love him?

 

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Now that I have a brief moment to take this in and reply a little more carefully, I hope I can say something of use.  However, it looks like LadyC said pretty much exactly what I would have said, so mostly, I'll just say, "what she said."  At the moment, I suspect that you're experiencing so much confusion.  The "makeout" session sounded like it was amazing - incredibly thrilling.  The rest sounds like it wasn't quite as exciting but all the same, that probably has more to do with your emotions after the fact.  If we were to take it pragmatically, the sex act itself can be anywhere between "meh" and "that was so incredible; am I even still alive?!?" with just about anyone depending on comfort, practice, familiarity, mutual effort, and emotional investment.  So let's get past that because there's a lot more going on here.

Your cousin has been an incredibly close friend for a very long time.  He's someone you've known and trusted probably longer than you've known and trusted your boyfriend.  So, now you're at a crossroads.  In retrospect, you realize that your cousin was a fling and probably one that you should have avoided.  It answered that question and fulfilled that fantasy that he shared with you (and that evidently provided you some degree of fantasy to indulge as well).  It also, as LadyC pointed out, crossed a point of no return.  First, you and your cousin have had sex, and like losing virginity, you don't get to put that back.  For the rest of your lives, you will forever be two people who've seen one another naked, shared the most physically intimate moment a man and woman can share, and shared what is (at the moment) a secret so deep many people would never mention it to anyone they know.  At the same time, any hope you may have had in being faithful to your boyfriend is gone.  Of course, this assumes that you have always been faithful before - you didn't say but I'll give the benefit of the doubt - and assumes your intent is a "happily ever after", given the use of "committed relationship".  This means that, if you and your boyfriend eventually have children, you will forever know that at some point, you had a moment of decision that led to a tryst outside of that relationship.  Of course, this also assumes that you and your cousin didn't create any children yourselves.

I don't say all of this as a point of shame but rather of reflection.  With that now firmly in our minds, we must look to the future.  What is done cannot be undone so the future is all that remains.  You and your cousin both have a point of decision.  If you truly do not believe you will end up together in your own cousin marriage happily ever after, I'm afraid LadyC is right: you are forced to break all ties with him; thank him for his friendship and for all that he has meant to you, but there are too many reasons that you cannot continue your friendship.  First, no matter who you eventually end up with, that person must be able to trust you completely.  The risk that at some point in the future, be it next week or in 10 or 20 years, you and your cousin end up in another tryst is just too great.  It happened precisely because you have a close, deep, trusting relationship.

You have a question about whether, when, and how to tell your boyfriend.  If you carry this guilt in silence, it may cause you to act out against your boyfriend in ways you don't realize, and can manifest itself in either insecurity or, worse, more cheating (an ironic form of self-medication), until finally caught.  On the other hand, you know quite well that if you tell your boyfriend, he will be hurt and may leave you.  When he finds out who, he'll be even more hurt because he likely trusts your cousin to be alone with you and never see you in this light.  And this says nothing of your boyfriend's view of sex between cousins (the "ick" factor).

It's going to be hard.  In my view, you have to completely break off your relationship with your cousin, lay out all of the cards on the table with your boyfriends, and move forward from there.  Maybe you'll have a chance to repair your relationship with your boyfriend.  Maybe not.  However, you're young and no matter how this ends, you'll have learned some things that you likely could learn no other way.  Sometimes, our character is defined less by the mistakes we make than by how we handle them.

Best wishes and God bless,

CM

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36 minutes ago, ColoradoMarried said:

Now that I have a brief moment to take this in and reply a little more carefully, I hope I can say something of use.  However, it looks like LadyC said pretty much exactly what I would have said, so mostly, I'll just say, "what she said."  At the moment, I suspect that you're experiencing so much confusion.  The "makeout" session sounded like it was amazing - incredibly thrilling.  The rest sounds like it wasn't quite as exciting but all the same, that probably has more to do with your emotions after the fact.  If we were to take it pragmatically, the sex act itself can be anywhere between "meh" and "that was so incredible; am I even still alive?!?" with just about anyone depending on comfort, practice, familiarity, mutual effort, and emotional investment.  So let's get past that because there's a lot more going on here.

Your cousin has been an incredibly close friend for a very long time.  He's someone you've known and trusted probably longer than you've known and trusted your boyfriend.  So, now you're at a crossroads.  In retrospect, you realize that your cousin was a fling and probably one that you should have avoided.  It answered that question and fulfilled that fantasy that he shared with you (and that evidently provided you some degree of fantasy to indulge as well).  It also, as LadyC pointed out, crossed a point of no return.  First, you and your cousin have had sex, and like losing virginity, you don't get to put that back.  For the rest of your lives, you will forever be two people who've seen one another naked, shared the most physically intimate moment a man and woman can share, and shared what is (at the moment) a secret so deep many people would never mention it to anyone they know.  At the same time, any hope you may have had in being faithful to your boyfriend is gone.  Of course, this assumes that you have always been faithful before - you didn't say but I'll give the benefit of the doubt - and assumes your intent is a "happily ever after", given the use of "committed relationship".  This means that, if you and your boyfriend eventually have children, you will forever know that at some point, you had a moment of decision that led to a tryst outside of that relationship.  Of course, this also assumes that you and your cousin didn't create any children yourselves.

I don't say all of this as a point of shame but rather of reflection.  With that now firmly in our minds, we must look to the future.  What is done cannot be undone so the future is all that remains.  You and your cousin both have a point of decision.  If you truly do not believe you will end up together in your own cousin marriage happily ever after, I'm afraid LadyC is right: you are forced to break all ties with him; thank him for his friendship and for all that he has meant to you, but there are too many reasons that you cannot continue your friendship.  First, no matter who you eventually end up with, that person must be able to trust you completely.  The risk that at some point in the future, be it next week or in 10 or 20 years, you and your cousin end up in another tryst is just too great.  It happened precisely because you have a close, deep, trusting relationship.

You have a question about whether, when, and how to tell your boyfriend.  If you carry this guilt in silence, it may cause you to act out against your boyfriend in ways you don't realize, and can manifest itself in either insecurity or, worse, more cheating (an ironic form of self-medication), until finally caught.  On the other hand, you know quite well that if you tell your boyfriend, he will be hurt and may leave you.  When he finds out who, he'll be even more hurt because he likely trusts your cousin to be alone with you and never see you in this light.  And this says nothing of your boyfriend's view of sex between cousins (the "ick" factor).

It's going to be hard.  In my view, you have to completely break off your relationship with your cousin, lay out all of the cards on the table with your boyfriends, and move forward from there.  Maybe you'll have a chance to repair your relationship with your boyfriend.  Maybe not.  However, you're young and no matter how this ends, you'll have learned some things that you likely could learn no other way.  Sometimes, our character is defined less by the mistakes we make than by how we handle them.

Best wishes and God bless,

CM

Wow.. I have no words to add Colorado. This is my feeling too! :)

*Thumbsup*

Pickledpipe, you gotta read Colorado's post and even reread it again twice..maybe thrice. Perhaps I should ask then at this point: Are you still in contact with him? You said,

On ‎2‎/‎21‎/‎2018 at 12:30 AM, Pickledpie said:

A part of me wants to indulge while another part tells me no

and you have to start with the redded part by breaking off contact. If you need a closure with him, by all means do it. But keep it short, to the point, and that's about it. If he is rational, he will understand...for the sake of both of you. Then block him off social media....I cannot stress that enough. You can cry and we will be here for you.. Cry again if it's still not going to be enough..

Then afterwards, prepare something for your boyfriend...You said that your bf treats you well, right? Then probably give him a foot massage or something. ^___^

 

Pooch

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2 hours ago, pooch said:

Then block him off social media....I cannot stress that enough.

this! 

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