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ok i'm assuming that she doesn't have any legal custodianship over his first child, even though he has full custody of that child, right? then don't worry about that one, no court will ever give her custody of a child she has no legal rights to. 

but, let's back up here a minute. is there any wonder at all why his girlfriend resents and probably hates you? because you seem a little offended by that fact. and you make all sorts of accusations of her being abusive. well, if you were in her shoes, wouldn't you become a total bitch, too?

she trusted you, apparently. you moved in and lived with her and her boyfriend and were presumably friendly with her until you started sleeping with her boyfriend and she got wise to it. do you believe she was out of line for kicking you out?

and then you continued to sleep with him. whatever friendship you may have had with her has been destroyed by your own hand. you don't seem particularly concerned about that so maybe you were never friends with her, but i bet you weren't hateful to her in the beginning, which means she felt incredibly betrayed by both him and you. 

i have to tell ya, you making all these accusations of her being so manipulative and abusive fall on deaf ears here. i'm not trying to be mean, i'm just saying i know from experience (both having been in your shoes and in hers) that the one who feels entitled to a man she's been cheating with is always always ALWAYS going to blame the victim and make her out to be the evil witch. and maybe she is, but she probably only is because of the way you and her boyfriend have treated her. and nothing you say is going to paint that picture any differently to anybody looking in from the outside. 

you said he's being blackmailed and can not leave her. you have to understand something here. he's not being blackmailed, he's making a choice. an admirable choice, to try and stay with the mother of his children. he may be afraid of what may happen to his paternal rights if he leaves her, but every couple with children have those fears, and whichever one has done the most wrong in the relationship will always have the most to fear... unless that person is independently wealthy anyway.

as for being 'the other woman', you should be sick and tired of it. it's not a fun position to be in. but you must accept responsibility for the fact that YOU put yourself in that position, and it's up to you to get out of it. there should be no blaming anyone else here. you had the choice to screw someone who was in a committed relationship and who had children to think of, and you chose to think of your own needs and desires first. now get your panties out of the knot they're in, because i'm not being judgmental. i'm being FACTUAL. and you need to be woman enough to accept the facts as they are and quit playing the victim. you're NOT the victim. his girlfriend is. his children are. but you and he are not. you are the perpetrators in this tragedy. 

you still have a choice though. you can still choose to do the right thing and walk away from the whole situation. permanently. let your cousin and his girlfriend try to put the pieces of their lives back together, whether they go their separate ways or not. your presence in this is only going to make things worse for the kids and harder on your cousin. if you really love him and care about those kids like you claim, you'll do the right thing... it's a personal sacrifice. and that's what true love does.

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AzProctor, hi and welcome to the site.  My initial reaction was to try to figure out the situation from a legal perspective as best I can and not being a lawyer.  I know some states may have a "void" clause in cousin marriages and some do not; some permit sexual relationships but not marriage, etc., and I was curious about which state you might be in because it matters where the legalities of sleeping together or being married are concerned.  For example, in Texas, you can be married as long as you are married out of state but cannot have sex.  In Kansas, you can have sex but not get married unless you did so as out-of-state residents and then relocated there.  In Wisconsin, they don't care when or where you were married and will throw you in prison for the rest of your natural lives for blowing a kiss at a cousin (okay, I exaggerate a little).

In any case, I read what LadyC wrote and it shifted my perspective.  I thought, "hey, dummy, remember that there are multiple human beings involved in this mess!"  And she is dead on right.  None of us can speak to the nature of your cousin's relationship with his girlfriend but it doesn't take a mind reader to know that the relationship will be strained by the presence of another woman with whom he has ever been intimate.  That's just the nature of the beast and, truth be told, if your cousin decided to make you his girlfriend/wife, you wouldn't be thrilled about his current girlfriend continuing to hang around with him alone either.

The reality is that you just cannot be a part of his life anymore.  He needs to man up, marry this woman, promise to be forever faithful to her (and keep that promise), earn her trust, and fix his relationship with her.  If she's a royal witch with a capital 'B', it will be up to him to re-earn her trust and show her the love that she can happily return.  Unfortunately, that doesn't leave a lot of room for you in there... not even as "just a cousin".  You've crossed a line, for better or worse, that cannot be uncrossed.  It may have been with the best of intentions and out of the highest of love but the fact remains that it cannot be undone.  It means you don't even talk privately at family gatherings and one or the other of you is ALWAYS in sight of other family members if that should come to pass.

I understand that you got to where you are out of a sincere conviction of love.  But you must - MUST - step aside and allow your cousin to try to develop and maintain a healthy relationship with the mother of his children.  If only for the sake of the children, himself, and his girlfriend.

Best wishes and God Bless,


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13 minutes ago, AzProctor said:

Wow. I did not expect so much judgement and so little help. Looks like I came to the wrong site for understanding. Thanks for clearing that up for me.

I guess I was writing this as you posted (I didn't notice the tab saying that until just now) but please understand that LadyC is being honest.  She's not one to beat around the bush.  It may come across as "judgmental", and I suppose on some level, it is, but truth be told, everyone is judgmental.  It's just a question of whether their judgment aligns with your desires.  In this case, it does not.  You would be wise to heed what she's said and see it from outside the situation if at all possible.

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