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JolinaBlack

Long Distance relationship with my cousin.. help!

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Well, this is what I get for reading too fast (skimming): I missed a lot of important details!  Pooch, Romalee, and LadyC all picked up on this pretty quickly.  Honestly, LadyC called it exactly what it is - an "emotional affair."  So let's get to the root of what an affair is.  First, this has nothing to do with the fact that he is your cousin.  That fact only allowed the access and closeness for nature to take its course.  You're a woman and he's a man and you have very specific needs that he was meeting.  In this case, you need and crave the affection, the conversation, the apparent honesty and openness you share - all of this hits you in a place you just can't resist and you're head over heels.  At that same time, he very likely finds you physically attractive, you admire certain things about him and presumably tell him so.  Maybe you enjoy doing things together or have similar hobbies or like the same types of movies.  If I'm right, it won't be long before he tries to persuade you to share some of those intimate moments online (FaceTime, SnapChat, etc.), because that will ultimately hit him in a similar place.  Because of how he makes you feel, maybe you'll even agree - after all, you'd likely enjoy the rush of feelings.

This is a death spiral for both of your current relationships or family situations and nothing good can possibly come of it.  There are children involved and, though you're not married to the father of your daughter, you rightly see that you can't just up and leave where you are because you have roots there.  He has children he likewise cannot uproot.

Are your current relationships suffering?  Yup.  And they will continue to decay and rot and stink and fester until they eventually die if you don't turn the ship around.  So, are your feelings normal?  You bet!  Normal and natural and very human.  They're also destructive and wrong - not wrong because you're cousins but wrong because of the damage they'll cause and because their source isn't real (it's not that you love one another this way, but rather that you love the idea of what you wish your current relationships could and should be).

The good news, now that I've rained all over everyone's parade, is that you CAN have a full restoration of your current relationship and have in that relationship exactly what you're experiencing in your affair.  You really can!  It will mean breaking off the affair, thanking one another for being there in a season of drought and doubt but understanding that you simply cannot continue any kind of private relationship going forward if you are to succeed in repairing your current one.

I say this because you had a child with this man and he's still in your life.  That usually happens because you actually were passionate for and about one another at some point.  At some point, you called one another all of those cute names and used silly voices when you'd talk and all of that other mushy stuff couples do early on.  You can repair that.  If you're interested, I recommend a couple of books (or Audible books):

1) The Five Love Languages

2) His Needs, Her Needs

Start with those and see where they lead.

Best wishes and God bless,

CM

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he's right, ya know. if you do want to repair your relationship with your child's father, you absolutely can. it will take work,  but it can be done. that's the other part of my story that i didn't share... mine and mark's marriage was definitely on the verge of collapse at one point. in fact, it was on the verge for several years. but we overcame it, and for the last six years, i've had the marriage of my dreams, with the man i made a commitment to 19 years ago. there's another book  that i would recommend along with what CM suggested...

the love dare. you can get the audio book free here: http://bit.ly/lovedareaudio (it's free with a 30 day trial to their audio service, but you can cancel and keep the book.)

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