The first time I met my second cousin was when I was 9 years old, he was 8. My family took a road-trip to his home city and we spent a summer fortnight at a holiday house near their place. As you can imagine, I saw my second cousin everyday. He was very brotherly towards my younger sisters, but for some reason he treated me differently. He was very sweet, but he was also shy around me. I think I probably had a crush on him after a while, but I suppressed my feelings. On my last night there, his older brothers went to get some pizzas, and him and I tagged along. On our way back to his place, we were sitting in the backseat, and out of nowhere, he held my hand. I got a warm and fuzzy feeling. He told me that he like-liked me, I like-liked him, too. I didn't let go of his hand that entire car ride. I didn't see him after that night for many years. I always remembered him, but he was just a memory to me, and a little childhood crush.
Fast-forward 9 years, and I attended his brother's wedding, which took place in my city last October. I was excited to see him again. I no longer had that childish crush on him, but I was curious about how he turned out. I searched for him amongst the guests, and then the most handsome 17-year-old walks into the hall. I knew it was him right away. Later that day, I went outside to catch a breath of fresh air, and I saw him there. He introduced himself to me, and I could immediately tell that he didn't know who I was, which was totally understandable. We talked about a lot of things, we had a lot in common. Our conversations flowed naturally, we were so comfortable around each other. We exchanged numbers, and we decided to meet at the beach the next day with our other cousins. We hung out many times after that too.
Eventually, our newly-found friendship quickly blossomed into a summer romance. We fell deeply and quickly in love, much to my parents disapproval. I really didn't care. I loved him. He flew back to his home city, and we decided to start a long-distance relationship. Though it was very difficult in the beginning because we couldn't physically see each other, we were determined to survive the distance.
My insecurities started getting the better of me. I'm scared to get attached to people because many of my friends and people I loved left me, or I left them. I always moved cities as a child, so I never got to establish a long-lasting relationship whether it be friends, or boyfriends etc. I began to push him away unintentionally, I'd told him of my tendency to shut people out already, and he was confident that we'd get through it. I did my absolute best not to push him out, but sometimes I did hurt him. I tried to make it up by showing him extra affection but it started taking a toll on him. We mutually decided to break up, I couldn't bear to hurt him any longer.
After our break-up, which happened a little over two months ago, he stopped talking to me. I got rid of his things, my friends said it would fasten up the "moving on" process, but honestly it's been a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Some days I feel it was for the better and I'm happy, then there are times when I feel sad for weeks, and I can't stop thinking about him. About two weeks ago, he texted me and he said he missed me. I told him I missed him too, but I fear I'd only hurt him again. I was also mad that he stopped talking to me for two months without giving me a heads up.
I'm confused. I want him back but I also want to move on. I keep hearing his voice in my head and I can't think straight. Maybe he's already moved on since our last text, and he'll think I'm weird for trying to contact him.
Please help. Any advice on the situation is greatly appreciated. I don't know what to do.