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Hi guys. Its my first time sharing this but I have to get it off my chest.

 

My cousin and I didn’t grow up together. We grew up in different countries but knew about each other. He vacationed here in 2005. We had an attraction then. He wrote me a letter before he left admitting that he liked me. When I got home, I messaged him and said I liked him too. We started talking but I stopped cause I felt it was wrong. I vacationed to his place the next year. It was awkward at first but the attraction was still there and we admitted that we had feelings for each other. We had our first kiss then and more kisses. I went back home and we continued to chat but I told him we should stop cause its not right. We had relationships of our own after that. Come 2008, we saw each other again. All the feelings came back in full force. We spent time together the entire time I was there and the feelings grew to love. Yes, we fell in love. Same story, we stopped, had relationships but it was never the same. Early 2012, we started talking on skype. Things went fast and by mid-2012 we were officially together though LDR. We kept it a secret. On vacations, he met my friends. I met his. We promised each other that we’ll fight the obstacles that come our way. We did what couples do when we’re together on vacations. We spent time together. We made love. We fought. We made up. We agreed that he’d petition for me to go there. Fast forward to 2018, he said he’s unsure of our future anymore. That he wanted to be with me but he didn’t want to drift apart with his parents too (they are close). He ended our relationship of almost 6 yrs. It crushed me. He shattered my heart. I gave him my all. He became my world. All my dreams and plans involved him. I may have been there before but not anymore. It was the kind of pain that I never thought I’d experience. I cried for days. I couldn’t eat nor sleep. He’s always on my mind. He said he needed time to figure things out. He said that he hopes he comes back to me sooner than later. I want him to. I want him to come back to me. But what if he doesn’t? What if I’ll be waiting for nothing? I’m scared that if he comes back, will he break me again? This broke me to my core. Its just been days since we broke up. I still can’t let go even when I said I would if that’s what he needs. We still talk but its not the same. Should I stop contacting him for now? Give him space and time. But I’m scared that if I do that then that’s the end of it all. He says he loves me still and that he always will. I feel the same way. But we got lost along the way somehow. I don’t know how to cope. Help please.

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I am so sorry you have to go through this. That’s my nightmare. You can’t blame yourself. If you have it your all, it’s not your fault. Don’t hate yourself.

What I’m going to say may not help you but I don’t believe you can ever truly get over falling in love with a cousin. It’s like there was already a sense of love and understanding and that’s magnified by the love you find together. The reason I mention this is I don’t believe he will ever truly be over you. You will always be in his thoughts and even if he started a family with another woman would he truly be over you.

maybe it’s not healthy to suggest for you to pine for him but you have separated before. This may not be permanent.

It will never be your fault for loving each other. If your love is enough to ruin the bond between his parents and him, then it is not your fault for feeling something, it is his parent’s fault for scorning their own son out of their lives. The science is there. What’s between you two is safe.

i think during this time once you find any willingness to get yourself out of bed, you should spend the next few years focusing on yourself and if you two ever reconnect, try to communicate on whether you two are willing to go through hell and back together. Having the perfect person be your cousin is an absolute curse and it will never make anything easier.

Goodluck in your lifelong search for happiness and no matter what happens, I’m sure you’ll be strong enough to overcome this.

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Thanks. I felt like no one could really understand what I’m going through even if my friends are there. I’m slowly trying to put myself back. Its just difficult to accept. Is it weird that we still say “I love u” to each other? I do. It will never stop but you’re correct. Right now, I have to focus on myself.

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weBelongTogether9802

He wants us to let go and hold on at the same time. What does that mean? How?

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On ‎3‎/‎23‎/‎2018 at 11:38 AM, lary said:

weBelongTogether9802

He wants us to let go and hold on at the same time. What does that mean? How?

I know what this means... I will try to spell it out.

It means that even though you guys cannot be together just like "normal couple", he wants you to still love him and he will love you too as well. He wants you to love each other in your own way so he wants you to hold on and he wants himself to hold on as well.

Here's the problem though with what he wants and I will say this straightforwardly: The loss is to the girl...that is, to you. The girl will hope and hope...for nothing. The guy, however, tries to figure things out but cannot make any promises. In the end, it will be the girl who will have her heart broken. The guy's heart will also hurt but not so much as the girl's... And so to be honest, if I am the girl, I would not want to be in this kind of relationship unless:

1. The cousin bf promises.

2. The cousin bf tells you what steps he will take to move your relationship forward. Steps, such as providing for a life for the two of you, eventually telling your family and friends and things of that nature..

Other than that, it will be a deal-breaker for me personally. And I am speaking as a guy, okay? :) I know this coz I have been there.

 

Pooch

 

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Thanks Pooch. I feel like I’m so devastated with what happened between us and he’s just taking it all in a stride. 

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1 hour ago, lary said:

Thanks Pooch. I feel like I’m so devastated with what happened between us and he’s just taking it all in a stride. 

What do you mean by this? 

You don't know what he's feeling too, you know? Of course he is hurting. He is trying to regroup himself and seek clarity. How old are you guys by the way if I may ask?

1 hour ago, lary said:

He also said to see where things would lead us like go with the flow. What is that?

Yeep.. I know what he means. Basically it means that he wants both of you to STILL love one another even though you guys are NOT TOGETHER. Now that you guys are separately, and other priorities (his parents and other things, perhaps career), he wants you to do the same. Basically, he wants you to focus on what can make both of you grow and advance in life. Perhaps he is referring to some advancement of achievement in life and/or experience. Perhaps even meeting other people romantically or otherwise. Know what I mean?

And so if there is a guy for example that gives his interest to you, basically he's saying that if you find her charming and attractive, perhaps even better than him, then go with the flow and give it a shot..see what happens. Know what I'm saying? In the same manner, if he meets somebody like you and things hit off well, then let fate determine what happens and he is open to it.. But at this point, he does not want to let you go.. Sounds a little bit confusing but I believe I'm close....

 

Pooch

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Pooch

Well, yea that’s unfair for me to say he’s not hurting. Maybe he’s handling things better than I am. We are both 26. Perhaps you’re right with the go with the flow thing. I’m just too hung up on him i guess. I mean we had things planned out before even the name of our kid if we’ll have one. Things like that so now I’m really confused as to what happened to us.

Edited by lary
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I hope I’m getting this right. We became stagnant in our relationship? Like we need to grow on our own and see how the future will unfold for us. Is that what you’re saying?

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14 minutes ago, lary said:

Pooch

Well, yea that’s unfair for me to say he’s not hurting. Maybe he’s handling things better than I am. We are both 26. Perhaps you’re right with the go with the flow thing. I’m just too hung up on him i guess. I mean we had things planned out before even the name of our kid if we’ll have one. Things like that so now I’m really confused as to what happened to us.

1. Of course he is hurting! As biased as I may sound on my next clause but I do believe that guys "does not get over quicker to a relationship he was serious about".. Like suicides rates for guys are higher and stuff.. Or maybe it's just the same for us men and women...who knows, does not matter. The fact is, he is also hurting just like you. He may not show it (coz we are guys, come on... lol) but he does. The difference though is that he may be coping about it better than you. After all, he was the one who broke it off, right? When you butt heads with somebody, although both get hurt, the one who initiated the bump, gets hurts a little bit less than the one who received it.

2. I see.. So you are both 26. Just asking. I hope it turns out well for you. :) Explore the world! Do you like to travel? You can enjoy your freedom, you know that right? You can do the things that you haven't done because/when you guys are together. So take this time to reflect, to meditate and to take the opportunity to have a time for yourself. :)

3. I see what you mean... But it was a good run, nonetheless, eh? Of course he has a special place in your heart. And those memories are real. Of course they are. But at the same time though, this is a good opportunity for you to get more good ones...perhaps even better ones... Lary, cry if you must. And I know that you have cried a lot already. But you can cry as much as you can... Just make sure that it won't affect your work and your daily life. We are here for you and we hope the best for yah. ;)

4. I believe that the stagnation has nothing to do with it. Maybe it is but I think it is not about that... And right now I am assuming that there is no third party involved okay? Based from your opening post, I have some sense that he is a "good guy". Know what I mean? A responsible one and takes care of his parents and side of the family.... so yeah.. a good catch. And so from that assumption, it may not be about stagnation. However, I cannot stay in 100% certainty that there is no third party or whatever or whatever his reasons are...if so, then probably it's because of stagnation. Having said that though, I heavily lean towards the former.

Now with that assumption in mind, what you mentioned is exactly what I am thinking. See how you guys grow on your own and see how the future unfold for both of you. If you found another guy, it's actually his loss. He lost a good woman like you by letting you go. And so right now, don't think about him too much. Of course this is unavoidable...but try your best. Don't stalk him on facebook -- actually block him on facebook. You don't need to add salt to your wound. Let him come back to you in due time (but DON'T EXPECT IT). Rather, expect a happier life on your own as you explore the world by travelling and getting out of your comfort zone. And if some wounds heal, it's up to you to accept him or reject him. If he says, "I love you" to you, it's true... But you don't need it... because you are trying to move on. And don't return any affection either. Otherwise, this foolishness will sink you deeper into the quicksand. Let him say "I love you" -- acknowledge it but don't return it.... Know what I'm saying? Even better if you (you choose to) cut all communication right now... 

 

Pooch

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He said there is no one else when I asked him if there was. 

I like to travel but budget does not permit as of the moment. I’m trying to focus on me but its difficult you know.

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5 minutes ago, lary said:

He said there is no one else when I asked him if there was. 

I like to travel but budget does not permit as of the moment. I’m trying to focus on me but its difficult you know.

Yep. And I believe him. I thought so...

Ah I see... but there are cheaper alternatives, you know.. 🙂

Anyhow, i wanna ask as well...does he struggle financially? Does he have a good job relatively speaking?

And last question, have you folliwed my advice and blockef him off of facebook? Be honest.

 

Pooch

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True. I might go somewhere when I can budget it in. I’m also planning to take up residency in the hospital by the end of the year when it opens. That will keep me very busy for the next 3yrs.

He has a good job in healthcare too.

I just did. I unfriended him on facebook, unfollowed in instagram and deleted his number.

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I transferred all our pictures and videos from my phone to a drive and deleted the ones on my phone. I couldn’t part with them but at least its not readily accessible for me to see. 

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7 minutes ago, lary said:

I transferred all our pictures and videos from my phone to a drive and deleted the ones on my phone. I couldn’t part with them but at least its not readily accessible for me to see. 

That's fair... :) This is already a huge step... oh and you are taking residency? That is a very demanding program, eh?

Anyhow, we in CC really wish you all the best. I believe that if there's anything that we should first love -- it should be our Creator for He is Almighty. Second would be our parents for they gave us life. I hope that your family is doing alright too...

 

Pooch

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Yes it is a demanding program. I’m actually looking forward to being very busy. Thanks for the help Pooch. Hopefully, I’d return to CC in the future with good news, either we are together or not but good news nonetheless.

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Maybe I’m the unhealthy one here but I can’t just let go of her. I can’t delete anything of hers. I’d rather die alone than move on from her.

pooch if you’re reading this we broke up because she was more concerned about society and what her friends and family would think and it doesn’t fit with her lifestyle because she has a social media presence of 30k people and she wants to grow it into acting or some type of career. I’d be a blemish on that. Im just some stain she has to get rid of.

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23 minutes ago, WeBelongTogether9802 said:

Maybe I’m the unhealthy one here but I can’t just let go of her. I can’t delete anything of hers. I’d rather die alone than move on from her.

pooch if you’re reading this we broke up because she was more concerned about society and what her friends and family would think and it doesn’t fit with her lifestyle because she has a social media presence of 30k people and she wants to grow it into acting or some type of career. I’d be a blemish on that. Im just some stain she has to get rid of.

We'll talk about yours on your thread

Pooch

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4 hours ago, pooch said:

Yep. And I believe him. I thought so...

Ah I see... but there are cheaper alternatives, you know.. 🙂

Anyhow, i wanna ask as well...does he struggle financially? Does he have a good job relatively speaking?

And last question, have you folliwed my advice and blockef him off of facebook? Be honest.

 

Pooch

What if when he initiated the conversation? 

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5 hours ago, lary said:

What if when he initiated the conversation? 

If he initiated the conversation, as much as you can, do not reply. Or reply not immediately..Or reply after a day.. In other words, do not make yourself available to him. Of course, that's easier said than done -- but do that as much as you can. Why do you do that? Because he does not promise you anything and at the same time you are not sure as to what are the steps that this possible relationship is going to move forward. Those two are deal breakers that extinguishes any remaining trust and faith in the relationship. 

I mean, it is one thing to give your heart stupidly to him without a promise...and it is another thing to give your heart stupidly with one. Know what I'm saying? Both may sound stupid but at least the latter both of you you tried on your ends to love... know what I mean? So as much as possible keep yourself from replying but rather busy yourself to other things. 

Actually, the harder question is: What kind of messages from him are the ones you would reply to? 

 

Pooch

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47 minutes ago, lary said:

Ok I get it. Don’t be a snob but don’t be too available as well.

Yep exactly. ^__^

Pooch

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On 3/27/2018 at 9:26 PM, WeBelongTogether9802 said:

Maybe I’m the unhealthy one here but I can’t just let go of her. I can’t delete anything of hers. I’d rather die alone than move on from her.

pooch if you’re reading this we broke up because she was more concerned about society and what her friends and family would think and it doesn’t fit with her lifestyle because she has a social media presence of 30k people and she wants to grow it into acting or some type of career. I’d be a blemish on that. Im just some stain she has to get rid of.

Glad to see that I’m not alone. It’s an unbelievable feeling that hurts a lot. 

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