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WeBelongTogether9802

Taking A Break: Our Story (Rant+Advice Needed)

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Hello, my name is J. I’m 19/Male and from the terrible state of Texas. This is my first time posting here and this post is definitely a rant but any guidance and support given is greatly appreciated.

This is the story of me and A.

i would like to disclaim to everyone here that despite A being a minor, me and A have not had any sexual relations and I am aware of the rules on the site and the laws of my state.

It’s been 8 months since we’ve started this. She is 15 and I am 19 years old. We grew up together and despite us being each other’s first kid crush, we never thought much of each other until last June. That’s when everything changed. Another cousin and I were spending the week with A and her brother. We were friendly and although it was obvious we could both feel physical chemistry, we didn’t want to entertain those thoughts.

We started talking throughout the week and me and A figured we connect perfectly. We would stay up late at night in the living room whispering to each other, always talking. We’d talk until we crashed every night near each other in adjacent couches until one night. One night, we got more personal. We both brought up our history of depression and suicidal thoughts and attempts and through that tragedy, I felt our hearts connect. This wasn’t just infatuation. I have loved and cared for her my entire life but at that moment we felt like our souls become one. She was on the verge of tears, and something in me reacted without my brain telling me. I grabbed her and I hugged her and I held her tight to comfort her. I expected her to eventually pull away but she didn’t. The hug eventually turned into a snuggle and we laid down in each other’s arms on that couch. We never wanted it to end so we forced ourselves to stay awake all night, cuddled in each other’s arms. I felt the need to kiss her (and so did she later in admission) but I refrained from doing so. Her mom woke her up that morning and scolded her for falling asleep with a boy.

We began to text nonstop. In July I finally admitted my feelings to her and she reciprocated. The first week together felt weird and unsettling, mainly because we were concerned with us being related (it’s complicated but we’re slightly less than first cousins as we only share one grandparent but her grandparent I don’t share was the cousin of my grandmother. Yes, my family’s history from the early 1900s contained a lot of white trash). After some research, that feeling quickly went away and we began communicating through video chat online nonstop. This persisted until November. During that time, we fell in love and I fell for her. We may be young, but we’ve approached our relationship very in a very honest and mature manner that would make my own parents in their 30 year marriage jealous. We agree to be honest even if it hurts and we talk everything out before it can be manifested into resentment and our only ever fight occurred when she was suicidal. In recent months we’ve both worked together to carry each other out from our holes and all suicidal thoughts have subsided and we are incredibly happy together.

Never have I ever met such a loving, patient, and understanding woman. I don’t believe in fate but I believe we were made for each other. The words I put on this screen cannot help you fathom how much I love and respect her. We are 100% compatible and it pains me what the situation has turned into.

In late November I had a job housesitting for a week and I brought A and her brother. Her brother is one of my childhood best friends and I had placed more trust in him than I should have. Every time he turned his head or left the room, we would be affectionate to each other. We thought he caught us several times but he didn’t. He was totally oblivious but we didn’t know that. We agreed together it would be best to be open with him before he told anyone. We expected him to be more open about it but he reacted very negatively. We eventually talked him down and he seemed fine with it until the next day he gave an even worse reaction and gave us an ultimatum. Either we break up and never mention it, or he tell her parents the truth. I told him to go to hell at first. Eventually I lied and said we agreed to break up and never mention it again. All seemed well again until he told his parents later that week.

Our daily video chats? Gone. Her allowed to have her door open? Gone. Despite this, we made a promise to each other that no matter what happened, that we intended to spend our lives together and that I would someday be the father of her children when the time was right. We made it through the parent’s initial shock and reaction. She was grounded for a week with limited use on electronics. Her parents also shamed her and called her sick. My parents were different. My dad is very non-confrontational and to this day, has never talked to me about it. However, my mother is the most understanding and loving woman I have ever met. She had friends who were cousins and the idea doesn’t particularly bother her. I confessed everything to her and in my lowest hour, she comforted me and brought me back up. She doesn’t necessarily support the match but only because my love for A is illegal in the state of Texas and even can land you in jail. (Seriously, to hell with Texas!) my mother just doesn’t want to see her son in jail. (Also the age of consent in Texas must be of 3 years difference in age or less and I’m 4 years older).

Since this time, we sneak in texts together throughout the day and it turned into a mostly online relationship experience. We only grew stronger together. However, I wouldn’t be here if things didn’t go as planned. Her parents purposely keep her active and busy and along with constant paranoia, we have texted less and less. It’s not fair for her as her family is incredibly overbearing and restrictive on her life to make sure she has no time to text me while my family remained just as liberal with their concern as before they found out. Despite talking much less, our feelings toward each other haven’t changed but the past few weeks have hurt a lot. My natural insecurities from a past abusive relationship get the better of me sometimes and I need reassurance of our stability which in effect will scare her about our stability. It began to give her anxiety around me which didn’t help encourage her to try and text whenever she could along with her parents keeping her busy and constant paranoia.

Last night, I could no longer bear to sit in silence as I was unsure what our relationship became. I texted her and confronted her about where we are right now. We communicated and now it’s established that technically we are still together but due to time constraints we have given each other time to let ourselves grow but assuring each other that we both have exclusive interest in each other and that this brake in our relationship is temporary and we will resume everything in time. I wholeheartedly believe A means what she says but this crippling thought in the back of my mind warns me that she may lose interest and there’s nothing I can do.

The simple reality is that I am in love with this woman and this brake was only one sided because I still have the ability to talk to her whenever but she doesn’t. I love her and I’m more than willing to wait and do what it takes in steps to make this work. I have never felt so completed, so happy, and so fulfilled by the companionship of someone. She is truly my better half and even if somehow our relationship didn’t work and one of us moved on and had a family with someone else, I would never feel satisfied without her. There is no other room in my heart for anyone else. I love A and I plan on spending my life with her. Maybe we’re young and we haven’t fully found ourselves but I am confident we will grow together.

TL;DR: Young couple, caught, time constraints have put us on hold, my separation anxiety sucks, and I’m willing to wait.

I’d love to hear all of your thoughts and advice!

Thank you so much for taking this much time to read my story and possibly give your two cents. It’s means so much to be able to express this to someone. I wish all of you luck!

-J

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Hi there WBT9802
Welcome to the forum. :) I hope you enjoy your stay here.

I have read your post and honestly, this is the kind of posts I love to read... I was 18 and she was 15 when I fell in love. I have the same feeling with you in wanting to have physical touches with her (holding her hand and stuff) and at the same time resisting urges in me. She, on the other hand, is also curious about what's going on her body, in her environment, and all these feelings. You are a young couple like me and my cousin a decade or so ago... :)
Oh, and we were caught too! We slept in the same room when I decided to sleep beside her and cuddle. Supposed to be I plan to that be just some brief time but I felt sooo comfortable and I fell asleep. And so in the morning, I was awoken by some words from the "adults" to put it mildly.

Good times... Good times...

Here's my response:
I feel like you are a good guy. Really. You love her so much and she also feels the same. And believe me, you got her. You got her already. You got her heart. It's yours, she's yours, my brother. You. Got. The. Girl. ;) And pretty much just take care of her and everything will go well for you in the long run. Believe me. I don't believe in the "dating game" in today's society where you "collect and select" and go from date to date and people just give their hearts to many people like cookies. That's horrible. In my experience, it is 100 times better (if not the only way) is actually to know one person deeply...as far as you can go...since you cannot know a person all too well. I am with my cousin girlfriend for more than a decade now and I am still knowing something about her every single day...and she as well is still knowing something about me every day. The "mine" so to speak is inexhaustible. That's the good news.

I will give you some bad news though. Well, not really bad....but sort of given what we have here.
She's yours but not yet yours. Sounds contradictory but it's a fact. You guys are on the early stage... in my 'mine' analogy above, still on the 'entrance' of the mine. And I really do hope that you guys be together in the end. You know what I'm saying? The length of your post is also an indication that you really love this person. Oh, and feels good after writing your lengthy story and clicking that "post", eh? :P

On to my advice:
Slow down a little my friend. Yes, slow it down. When I read your post, I feel like you are ready to propose to her and give her an engagement ring already or something after a week! Know what I'm saying!? And I really believe that you do that -- coz you love her. And I bet she is incredibly beautiful...And you think that she deserves it. And yes, maybe she does -- but I do not know that. You know more than I do. Nonetheless, slow it down. If you are driving a car, I feel like you are in the fifth gear big time my friend... step away from the gas for a sec and cool it down. It's becoming way to hot. I remembered my situation with my cousin and everything also happened sooo freaking fast... But I was able to slow it down. Partly, the reason is that my family has to migrate to another country as well so that also helped. However, my point is both of you should slow it down. It is going way to fast. I am not saying go full stop, nor I even said step on the breaks....but "step away from the gas". Let her miss you...Let her miss you some more... Don't go pursuing her some more.. You got her already. She likes you. She is attracted to you.. And she have those feelings at 15 and I'm not sure if she loves you in a mature way at this time, but I do believe that she loves you. This love is real to her. But at the same time dude slow down a bit. Know what I'm saying? ;)

And because you are the man, you are the one who should control the steering wheel in your relationship. She does not know this coz she's just 15. But I believe that you know what you are doing ('...that would make my own parents in their 30 year marriage jealous' -- honestly this made me smile, chuckle, and cheerful) so you will take care of her and at the same time be able to provide for her.

With that in mind, I suggest that you prepare yourself so you can provide for her. How is your studies? What are your long term plans with her? The separation anxiety you have must be fought. She will not run away -- believe me. She will not break up with you. You got her already. And I need to repeat this because it's gonna be good for the both of you. Oh and did I mention that I like that you are willing to wait!? Perfect. In the meantime, make sure that you go to a good school and a good job so you can 'snatch her' away from her parents (metaphorically). When my cousin and I had LDR, my last words with her when we were on the airport was "Make sure you study hard". I did not tell her to do anything else. Coz I know that I don't have to. I just want her to study hard because I will study hard. And I plan on us having a good future. And that I will have the respect from her parents. And that she will gain respect from my parents as well. And that we would be able to take care of our parents when they grow old. And that we will have a brighter future together, not being able to be "looked down upon" in whatever. And that they will see a cousin romance that blossommed out of love and not out of lust. And that I (we) will not fear about getting disowned by whoever...be it our family or our clan. And that we will not be talked down upon since we have a reputation and a standing in our social circle and the people around us. And that I would be able to transfer her from one place to another so I can marry her (we were from country where cousin marriage is illegal, looked down upon big time and even have the horrible social stigma).  Know what I'm saying!? These are the things that is running on my head when I was 18...

I can say some more but I think this post will suffice from now. I really really wish you all the best, my friend. :) So yeah, give time for yourselves to grow... She will not lose interest in you because you will be there for her. And hey, if that happens, we will cross the bridge when we reach it, aight? ;) No biggie. We are man and we got this. Know what I'm sayin? :)

 

 

 

Pooch

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Thanks for the advice. I think you’re right. We did move pretty quick but what we had was intense from the start. I am committed and I may even sound too committed but I naturally sound like that. Whenever I get into any relationship, I always consider whether the person I’m with is someone I could possibly spent my life with. Otherwise, dating is a waste of time. Whoever I’m with I always fall for them very hard.

I miss being with her but I can live in our current state for a couple of years as long as she is as committed as me to this (which I think she is. Insecurities are the only thing telling me she isn’t).

I guess this stage we’re in now gives us time to cool off and enjoy each other’s company more with the little time we’ll have together. I’ll wait for her to initiate texts from now on. I didn’t expect this to be easy and I think we can survive this. We just have to be patient.

I’m starting college this Summer and I don’t have a current idea on what I will major in but I don’t plan on getting a useless degree. She may only be 15 but she is almost a senior in school (she’s homeschooled) so she will be starting college at 17. She loves sign language and is fantastic with it. She even livestreams sometimes to deaf kids and talks to them. She wants to pursue that which will lead her to college in Missouri while I’ll be in Texas figuring out what I’m going to focus my life on. I’m ambitious but I lack direction. I don’t want to commit to a career that wouldn’t make me feel successful. Maybe some type of professor or engineer or maybe medicine. I have no clue. I just don’t want to disappoint her or myself with what I choose to do.

To fight my seperation anxiety, I have tons of pictures and texts of her reassuring me about how she feels right now and I think that’s helping a lot for me to cope. I love her and I plan on us doing this right. Thanks for the advice and understanding.

Are you and your cousin married yet?

Edited by WeBelongTogether9802
Mispellings

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16 hours ago, WeBelongTogether9802 said:

We did move pretty quick but what we had was intense from the start

Oh I bet! :D I have experienced that too!

16 hours ago, WeBelongTogether9802 said:

Whenever I get into any relationship, I always consider whether the person I’m with is someone I could possibly spent my life with

Hmm.. Just curious. So she is not your first girlfriend, eh? I know it's the past already but I am just wanna ask...

16 hours ago, WeBelongTogether9802 said:

I miss being with her but I can live in our current state for a couple of years as long as she is as committed as me to this (which I think she is. Insecurities are the only thing telling me she isn’t).

Good.

16 hours ago, WeBelongTogether9802 said:

I guess this stage we’re in now gives us time to cool off and enjoy each other’s company more with the little time we’ll have together. I’ll wait for her to initiate texts from now on. I didn’t expect this to be easy and I think we can survive this. We just have to be patient.

Yep. Don't worry man... You got this. :)

16 hours ago, WeBelongTogether9802 said:

I’m starting college this Summer and I don’t have a current idea on what I will major in but I don’t plan on getting a useless degree. She may only be 15 but she is almost a senior in school (she’s homeschooled) so she will be starting college at 17. She loves sign language and is fantastic with it. She even livestreams sometimes to deaf kids and talks to them. She wants to pursue that which will lead her to college in Missouri while I’ll be in Texas figuring out what I’m going to focus my life on. I’m ambitious but I lack direction. I don’t want to commit to a career that wouldn’t make me feel successful. Maybe some type of professor or engineer or maybe medicine. I have no clue. I just don’t want to disappoint her or myself with what I choose to do.

I really love your posts man.. :) You know what, sometimes it does not matter what you focus on.. But make sure that what you get into is what you really want to do. Also, if she is getting into the languages and stuff, what about getting into what she is interested in? Have you heard of being a speech therapist? I'm not sure if you want that though... But try to see what she likes and check with yourself whether you like it as well... It's not gonna be that bad, eh?

16 hours ago, WeBelongTogether9802 said:

To fight my seperation anxiety, I have tons of pictures and texts of her reassuring me about how she feels right now and I think that’s helping a lot for me to cope. I love her and I plan on us doing this right. Thanks for the advice and understanding.

Yup. Continue doing that... I believe she will appreciate it. :)

16 hours ago, WeBelongTogether9802 said:

Are you and your cousin married yet?

Nope not yet... Still on the works my friend.. But getting there.. We just had to do some other things and priorities so we have to put it off but pretty much we both know that we are together til the end. Sooooo yep. :)

 

Pooch

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She broke up with me. She wanted to keep her old life and I was a barrier in the way. Me and her are trying the best friends thing as well. I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing but it beats being without her.

that whole month of her “being busy” was avoiding me to not have to address this problem.

she has a social media presence online and I’d be a blemish on that. I don’t understand, she told me she was committed and would go through anything with me. She lied. I’d have done anything for her.

Even if she moves on with another man and settles down and has children I’ll always love her. I don’t like the appeal of women anymore. I only want her. I’d rather die alone than be with someone else. I’d rather die alone at the best of my ability making sure she’s happy and satisfied with life. If she were to die I’d happily raise her children even if they were with someone else. I just love her so much.

Edited by WeBelongTogether9802

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6 hours ago, WeBelongTogether9802 said:

She broke up with me. She wanted to keep her old life and I was a barrier in the way. Me and her are trying the best friends thing as well. I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing but it beats being without her.

that whole month of her “being busy” was avoiding me to not have to address this problem.

she has a social media presence online and I’d be a blemish on that. I don’t understand, she told me she was committed and would go through anything with me. She lied. I’d have done anything for her.

Even if she moves on with another man and settles down and has children I’ll always love her. I don’t like the appeal of women anymore. I only want her. I’d rather die alone than be with someone else. I’d rather die alone at the best of my ability making sure she’s happy and satisfied with life. If she were to die I’d happily raise her children even if they were with someone else. I just love her so much.

What happened?

Relax. You are moving waaay too fast again. What do you mean she likes her old life? Did she text you or you texted her?? 

Mannn... didnt I tell you to keep it cool, man..focus on things for yourself and figure out your life together. Tell her there's no need to breakup man..

 

Pooch

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      You may think she does not love me anymore and is trying to find excuses to end our relationship. That’s not how it is. She is a tough independent woman. She does not let other people’s opinions play any role in her decision making. She thinks for herself and sticks to her decisions however painful they may be. I know her very well. She still loves me. Just not enough to marry me. 
    • By breanne
      So 17 and i'm from New York. I went to Colombia for about 2 months to visit family that i haven't seen for years. I used to live in Colombia when I was younger but I moved to the United States when I was about 4. When we were children, my cousin Lucas and I were best friends... but that was 13 years ago and we haven't spoken since. Anyways, my first week in Colombia, I shared a room with my cousin. it was just a small room with two twin sized beds and we each slept in one. We had stayed up all night talking and playing games we remembered playing as kids. We then started talking about our memories together and he brought up one that i could never forget; The day i kissed him when we were kids. We both started laughing and we started playing thumb wrestling. I won and he then asked me if I remembered why I had kissed him when we were young. I said "no," and he told me "you got so excited about beating me at a thumb war that you just grabbed my face and kissed me,". I started blushing and I looked down at our hands that were still holding onto each other although the game was over. I brought his hand up to my lips and kissed it softly and he smiled. We realize it was already 4am and we each got into our beds but continued talking. I asked him if he was cold and he said yes, so I got out of my bed and walked over to his and put another blanket over him. He told me I was sweet and that I should crawl into his bed to warm him up. I laughed and about 5  minutes later, I took his suggestion and we were both laying underneath the 4 blankets on his bed. We just cuddled all night and talked until 7am when we heard our mothers walking around the house and I went back to my bed and we fell asleep.This was the start of it all. The following night we went star gazing and we kissed. We were inseparable throughout the rest of my trip. He made me feel so alive. one night our family went out for dinner and a show and i got pretty drunk and afterwards we went for a walk. We smoked a little bit and he made me feel so safe. he held my hand he made me feel so calm even though i'd normally feel paranoid while that intoxicated. I was so high but everything with him was so clear. I told him I loved him and he told me he felt the same way. I've never felt this way about anybody but him. I know that I am in love with him. Anyways, we were basically in a secret relationship for two months and we even had sex. It was both of our first time. I don't know what to do because I just left two days ago and I miss him so much. Im going back to Colombia in four months to visit again and my mother has been considering movie back there which I would be 100% on board with. I love it so much more there and I genuinely feel at home.It would also be so nice to live closer to Lucas. I really don't know what to do. We were both in relationships, but I broke up with my boyfriend (for unrelated reasons) before i got intimate with my cousin. My cousin is still with his girlfriend but he told me they aren't that serious and that it's temporary. We've decided to keep this all low-key for now because neither of us are sure about how serious we should let this get. Also our parents always joke about us being in love with each other because of how close we are and I honestly dont think they would be that surprised if they found out about our feelings for each other
    • By Kakieng
      Im very close with my second cousin and we spend alot of time together. I've had feelings for her for  few years now, i thought it would go away, thought it was just a physical attraction because she IS beautiful. But as time went on the feelings stayed and grew.
       
      She is extremely nice to me, and we talk alot, she always tells me to come back the next day and come hang out. She even has a nick name for me. Idk if she has any where near the same feelings, i wish i knew.
       
      I dont know what to do, on one hand i deeply love her and long to hold her and kiss her she is beautiful but on the other i dont want to ruin what we got and make things weird between us.  
       
      Is it ok for second cousins to be intimate ? How do i even go about seeing if she feels the same way and if she does how would i convince her its ok?
       
      Idk where to even start
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