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RC312

I really like my cousin but we use to fight a lot

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I've always been attracted to my cousin Amanda she's 18 I'm 19 but we use to always fight. Recently we've reconnected and I saw her at family events and we talked and smiled at each other. I really want to tell her how I feel but I don't know what's the best way to tell her.

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How about try the next time you guys fight, tell her in the middle of the fight... I'm thinking something like "Hey! You are so (insert annoying adjective here). Don't you know that I freaking like you!? Now can we just get along?" While at this, make sure you smile the entire time. :D

If that works, let us know... ^_^ lol. There's nothing to lose, methinks.

 

Pooch

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Just to keep you guys up to date I told her a different way and she was very understanding but she acted as if she wanted to drop it and forget about it she said we talked about it and things don't have to be weird. And I don't want to do that because I accept that she doesn't feel that way about me but I can't act like I feel nothing for her. The initial way She replied to me was: I understand you feel some kind of way. But we are cousins and I don't feel that way about you and you shouldn't feel that way about me. Nothing can or will happen I'm sorry. I really care about you but not in that way.  The thing is we've never had a friendship but she acts as if she cares about me when we use to fight about being related because she was the popular one in highschool and I wasn't. She said that was because we just had different friends but she always wished we weren't cousins and didn't know each other. I told her that if she doesn't care about me at all then to please not act like it  because it hurts way to much, so now we aren't speaking. I really do love her and want a friendship but I just don't think it's possible. Any ideas on how to get her to be my friend? 

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7 hours ago, RC312 said:

Just to keep you guys up to date I told her a different way and she was very understanding but she acted as if she wanted to drop it and forget about it she said we talked about it and things don't have to be weird. And I don't want to do that because I accept that she doesn't feel that way about me but I can't act like I feel nothing for her. The initial way She replied to me was: I understand you feel some kind of way. But we are cousins and I don't feel that way about you and you shouldn't feel that way about me. Nothing can or will happen I'm sorry. I really care about you but not in that way.  The thing is we've never had a friendship but she acts as if she cares about me when we use to fight about being related because she was the popular one in highschool and I wasn't. She said that was because we just had different friends but she always wished we weren't cousins and didn't know each other. I told her that if she doesn't care about me at all then to please not act like it  because it hurts way to much, so now we aren't speaking. I really do love her and want a friendship but I just don't think it's possible. Any ideas on how to get her to be my friend? 

Yep, you told her a different way and you will get different results. She acted as if nothing even though it seems like you put your heart out to her and that's because you took the logical route for you to tell her what you feel. :( Rather than the logical route, my suggestion was an emotional route -- which I think made sense given that you guys are always fighting! Know what I mean? If you guys are in a fight and the emotions are high, that's the best time you drop "bombs" like this one. But since you took the logical approach and told her in that kind of a way, now you are brushed off aside...that pretty much, "I don't feel that way about you and you shouldn't" blah blah blah...

What you did good, however, is that you drop all contact with her. So there's still a way to salvage this one. Don't be friends with her and don't talk to her. But when you guys do, make sure that you fight again....not fight in a way that you guys will hate each other...but fight in the sense of be an annoyance to her and vice versa. Don't say this again to her,

Quote

I told her that if she doesn't care about me at all then to please not act like it  because it hurts way to much

Coz my oh my...it will only feed her ego... At least don't show it to her or let her know! Geez.. It's cringeworthy dude. You are a man dude. She is just a girl....a girl! Now don't make it worse and act like a friend to her or wish that you will be her friend. You will have a life full of suffering dude. . You want to be friendzoned by her? Is that what you really want? Please Don't do that to yourself.

Just don't talk to her for now... let's see what happens.

 

Pooch

 

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I meant I told if she doesn't care about to act that way I don't like it when people are being fake to me or whatever. I also don't really know how to annoy her without her getting too mad. 

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Ah I see what you mean. Dont be bothered by the fakeness...the important thing is that you know yourself. Socrates said, "An unexamined life is not worth living"....know yourself first then see if you really like her or not. Know what Im saying? Now if you do, then you are on the right track -- just be an annoyance to her but spoil her everytime. You know how it is -- just annoy her without getting her too mad. Insult her, tell her she's fat and just be plain mean. But at the same time, be protective of her, hug her, and be real to her. Even give her "cheap gifts" (tokens) if you want... a mix of these stuff will spark her interest because you won't be logical -- just like how she is. ? 

Yes, you will live a life of drama -- but that's the way you will get her...not the straightforward, logical way,...but a life full of banter, fightings and annoyance. Lol. Imagine how cool would that be with her. I can see both of you will fight, make up, probably be intimate, fight again and be annoyed and repeat. The stronger the emotions involved, the better your position is: for example, if she is seeing other guys, bad-mouth the guy but if she cuts her hair or wear something nice, tell her you dont like it. ?

Dont mind the fakeness dude... you are still getting to know her anyways. Its not easy to reveal who you are to a person even though you guys are cousins, eh?

So yeah, dont contact each other for now. If she initiates contact, better...if not, try again after 2 weeks...and you dont have to put it into words, just freaking smile at her and it will get the job done. ??

 

Pooch

 

 

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I see what you're saying but we don't see each other a lot so it's hard to anything in person she sometimes comes over once a month or sometimes it's  2-3 months apart. I probably won't see her until may. We don't really text unless she needs something or I need something. We've only texted a little bit recently in a string of a week because I told her how I felt and she wanted to discuss it with me. I  just dropped contact with her just yesterday so I will let her be for like a couple weeks. I sometimes text her when our college semester is over to see how she did and what not. It ends May 5th so maybe that would be a good time to contact her and it wouldn't seem out of the blue... I know I really like her because I've felt this way for 2-3 years.  

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58 minutes ago, RC312 said:

I see what you're saying but we don't see each other a lot so it's hard to anything in person she sometimes comes over once a month or sometimes it's  2-3 months apart. I probably won't see her until may. We don't really text unless she needs something or I need something. We've only texted a little bit recently in a string of a week because I told her how I felt and she wanted to discuss it with me. I  just dropped contact with her just yesterday so I will let her be for like a couple weeks. I sometimes text her when our college semester is over to see how she did and what not. It ends May 5th so maybe that would be a good time to contact her and it wouldn't seem out of the blue... I know I really like her because I've felt this way for 2-3 years.  

Oh, so the frequency of you guys physically together is like merely 4 times a year... Then all the more you should not take it too seriously. Do not be needy my friend... focus your attention to your college education instead. What are you taking this semester? Hopefully your grades are alright? :)

Anyhow, try this: When you see each other in May, don't even contact her or talk to her. Avoid her. Or just be in her vicinity but don't talk to her. Make sure that she recognize your presence though but don't do "any chasing". Do it when you guys see each other probably in July, August or during the fall. Then ask her during July/August that you are seeing this girl and you want "help" on how to court her... She will be like "What the hell dude!?" LOL

Then the next time you guys see each other, tell her, "I have been seeing Catherine (or whoever the heck her name is) but all I can think about is you..." Boom. Then insult her afterwards by saying "But you know what? I actually hate you". 

Hahahaha. :lol:

All the while, however, you are doing well in your classes, engaging in extra-curricular activities and positioning yourself in getting good internships. Have you worked on your resume, my friend?

 

Pooch

 

PS: Here's my reasoning above: I do believe that she is flirting with you...but she is doing the same with other guys as well. You guys are not together so just test the waters and be cool.

15 hours ago, RC312 said:

And I don't want to do that because I accept that she doesn't feel that way about me but I can't act like I feel nothing for her

You are the man though. If you go 100% of the chasing, you will lose her. She thinks that you are easy and will "just be there"... in the meantime, she is flirting with other guys and getting all their attention when she is not with you. So you should be like, "Naaahhh... I'm cool. I'll get a good part time job and have a better resume and get internships rather than lose sleep over stalking her on facebook or something..." Know what I'm saying?

Do what is above first then we will deal with this stuff later on -- probably next year or something:

15 hours ago, RC312 said:

 I understand you feel some kind of way. But we are cousins and I don't feel that way about you and you shouldn't feel that way about me. Nothing can or will happen I'm sorry. I really care about you but not in that way

;)

 

 

Pooch

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We live live 15-20 mins away from each we do see each other a lot more then 4 times a year but whenever the family has a party or bday event we see each other. Sometimes she comes over to pick up her grandma who lives at my house because she has a memory problem and can't live alone. So sometimes she will come once every like 3 weeks but not for long. We do go to the same college but we never run into each other or anything like that. I know I may be far off about this but I think the reason we fight so much is because she's scared of what society will think if she does fall for me or have feelings for me because whenever I try to contact her she will be helpful or whatever but when I just try to be like a friend and ask her if she wants to have some sort of friendship or bond she just ignored the text and she'll respond but couple days later or whatever but she changes the subject. I think she's scared of us acting like friends or like any way because she always makes it seem like she doesnt want to talk or anything unless it's in person at family events where she knows nothing will happen. I really want to spoil her and be playful with her but I'm afraid she won't let me. She always puts up a barrier with me that she doesn't with any of our other cousins. Like we can't talk or joke around unless it's about school talk or something serious. I do understand what you're saying I won't chase after her. I'm a journalist major. I did have a job but it was an online job and it was boring so I quit. I do like this one girl and I'm going to ask her out but it's nothing serious. I don't think my cousin is talking to any guy right now but I do know she's always had a crush on this one guy who doesn't like her back and doesn't live close by since he went to college. I also do think she's the girl that does like an obstacle. I know I got to move on for the time being that's why I'm putting my life back together. 

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2 hours ago, RC312 said:

I know I may be far off about this but I think the reason we fight so much is because she's scared of what society will think if she does fall for me or have feelings for me because whenever I try to contact her she will be helpful or whatever but when I just try to be like a friend and ask her if she wants to have some sort of friendship or bond she just ignored the text and she'll respond but couple days later or whatever but she changes the subject. I think she's scared of us acting like friends or like any way because she always makes it seem like she doesnt want to talk or anything unless it's in person at family events where she knows nothing will happen

I see... if that's your feeling (coz you know her more than I do), then it's time to pop the silver bullet question -- "If we were not cousins, do you think we could be together?" Or something like that... the question starts with a conditional clause. You are not saying that you would be together but IF you guys weren't cousins, will things change?

Now depending on her answer, ask her why. It may be the case that she really is not attracted to you and it is just a one-way thing. If it is, then save your face -- your pride is worth more than that. After you become a famous journalist, maybe she will come back crawling for your attention but at that time don't give her any. But since the cat is out of the bag, more likely she will answer in the negative so ask her about her love life and relationships in general...

The idea is to be friends with her without being attracted to her. This is true if you think she will be a loser in the future and will miss a nice chap like you are. ?

2 hours ago, RC312 said:

she's always had a crush on this one guy who doesn't like her back and doesn't live close by since he went to college.

I dont think it has anything to do with that guy though. Girls will get attracted at whoever comes up to them and give interest. The other guy is irrelevant. It is more likely that she is totally not attracted to you or anybody in general. Perhaps she is focused on her studies at present and sees that relationships will just be a distraction.

Having said that, you have to move on for the moment. After all, your cousin won't go anywhere..... ?

 

Pooch

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17 minutes ago, pooch said:

I see... if that's your feeling (coz you know her more than I do), then it's time to pop the silver bullet question -- "If we were not cousins, do you think we could be together?" Or something like that... the question starts with a conditional clause. You are not saying that you would be together but IF you guys weren't cousins, will things change?

Now depending on her answer, ask her why. It may be the case that she really is not attracted to you and it is just a one-way thing. If it is, then save your face -- your pride is worth more than that. After you become a famous journalist, maybe she will come back crawling for your attention but at that time don't give her any. But since the cat is out of the bag, more likely she will answer in the negative so ask her about her love life and relationships in general...

The idea is to be friends with her without being attracted to her. This is true if you think she will be a loser in the future and will miss a nice chap like you are. ?

I dont think it has anything to do with that guy though. Girls will get attracted at whoever comes up to them and give interest. The other guy is irrelevant. It is more likely that she is totally not attracted to you or anybody in general. Perhaps she is focused on her studies at present and sees that relationships will just be a distraction.

Having said that, you have to move on for the moment. After all, your cousin won't go anywhere..... ?

 

Pooch

I'm so confused lol so what should I really do because even if I ask her that question she may not tell me the truth or give me a straight forward answer. I think the best thing for right now is to drop all contact with her for at least a few weeks and I would think joking with her and being playful would be the better move later because if she really feels something she won't be able to hide it totally.  If I asked her if we weren't cousins would you think we could be together, I feel like she wouldnt give me an answer. I think she's scared that she'll end up  wanting to be with me because she always pushes me away like that. I know I can't force her feelings out of her. We're also catholic but not strict. I think that does weigh on her somewhat.  I didn't really think of being with her as a real possibility until lately and I also don't want to lose her forever. I think if I give her space, she may think differently about cousin relationships. 

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4 minutes ago, RC312 said:

. I think the best thing for right now is to drop all contact with her for at least a few weeks

Of course! Dont lower your guard. That question is reserved as a last resort....know what I mean? Dont show your cards right away.

Anyhow, you really think she's scared, eh? Do you know if she have any boyfriends in the past?

 

Pooch

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She's only had like two real boyfriends but I know she has hooked up with more guys. Lately though she's been single (for about a year and a half maybe more)  and as far as I know she hasn't been talking to other guys (in a flirty way or seeing other guys). I know one of the guys she dated in hs cheated on her but she's never really talked about guys with me I just hear things from her mom or one of her friends. I know her last boyfriend treated her like crap and she eventually broke up with him.

When we were really close like 4 years ago maybe more we were freshman in hs and she would tell me when she liked a guy but we  never discussed more than that. She did give me advice on the last girl I liked. She would say things like that's cute or awww/aweee when we talked about it. She also would say things like I'm sure she likes you back or I could seeing her have a crush on you. When I bought this girl Starbucks she was like any girl would like that. She's really hard to read. She generally doesn't date guys right away and she was for the most part the hookup type in hs until like middle of junior year so I do think she has matured and doesn't do that anymore. Since it's been like two years later and she acts really mature.

 

What I thought was weird  Is that I saw her at a Super Bowl party and she never talked to me or anything. When I saw her at Easter she acted totally different. She came up and gave me a hug. We also would periodically smile or laugh at each other. For the most part she was entertaining our little cousin who is like 3 and I would just stare and smile or laugh at her whenever  he was hitting her with the sword to make believe she would die or whatever. This is how she's been acting at family events like at one she'll let me in a little than at the next family event I feel like she just avoids me because she's being shy or something. I think we always want the other to great each other first and make the first move (talking wise). If not we just avoid each other. That's another reason why we get into so many fights. At Easter I did smile and look at her when I saw her walk in the room, maybe that's why she acted different and came up to me. We did talk a lot  too. 

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Sorry just a second thought here. I have a lot on my mind because this is al lknew to me sorry for the long replies... I don't think she's scared in a normal feelings way though. I really believe she's scared that she'll fall in love with me. I think she might have a crush on me but it's something she feels like can never happen.  I think the reason being is she doesn't think her friends would approve or our family. That's why I think she does put up a guard. I don't think she agrees with the whole cousin relationship thing since her dad goes to church. We both don't really go to church anymore and I personally don't believe cousin relationship are wrong. Which I think she feels like it can never happen because she's worried it will hurt her reputation. That's the feeling I got with her text messages after I told her I liked her. She didn't really say anything but it sounded like  she wanted me not to pursue these feelings towards her because to her it wasn't right for anything to happen between us. If she didn't feel anything towards me in that way why would she care if I kept on feeling this way toward her or stopped. I do think I made a big mistake I didn't say because I was embarrassed myself. When she confronted me about feeling this way about her I told her that it was wrong for the way I felt because I was scared and I know that was wrong to say because I'm madly in love with her. I never did apologize for being in love with her just for the way it made her feel.

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19 hours ago, RC312 said:

She's only had like two real boyfriends but I know she has hooked up with more guys. Lately though she's been single (for about a year and a half maybe more)  and as far as I know she hasn't been talking to other guys (in a flirty way or seeing other guys). I know one of the guys she dated in hs cheated on her but she's never really talked about guys with me I just hear things from her mom or one of her friends. I know her last boyfriend treated her like crap and she eventually broke up with him.

When we were really close like 4 years ago maybe more we were freshman in hs and she would tell me when she liked a guy but we  never discussed more than that. She did give me advice on the last girl I liked. She would say things like that's cute or awww/aweee when we talked about it. She also would say things like I'm sure she likes you back or I could seeing her have a crush on you. When I bought this girl Starbucks she was like any girl would like that. She's really hard to read. She generally doesn't date guys right away and she was for the most part the hookup type in hs until like middle of junior year so I do think she has matured and doesn't do that anymore. Since it's been like two years later and she acts really mature.

 

What I thought was weird  Is that I saw her at a Super Bowl party and she never talked to me or anything. When I saw her at Easter she acted totally different. She came up and gave me a hug. We also would periodically smile or laugh at each other. For the most part she was entertaining our little cousin who is like 3 and I would just stare and smile or laugh at her whenever  he was hitting her with the sword to make believe she would die or whatever. This is how she's been acting at family events like at one she'll let me in a little than at the next family event I feel like she just avoids me because she's being shy or something. I think we always want the other to great each other first and make the first move (talking wise). If not we just avoid each other. That's another reason why we get into so many fights. At Easter I did smile and look at her when I saw her walk in the room, maybe that's why she acted different and came up to me. We did talk a lot  too. 

I see...

She is just there...just like a regular person around your radar. If she is cool with your situation then it is what it is, you know? Just do what you are doing, avoiding contact with her and moving on for a little while at this point. I think she is normal , chill and friendly.... so don't read too much into it. Is she an only child? Does she have siblings?

Pooch

PS: It's not about maturity by the way,...if she hooked up with guys before, she does/doing it all the more in college. lol. :D

 

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19 hours ago, RC312 said:

Sorry just a second thought here. I have a lot on my mind because this is al lknew to me sorry for the long replies... I don't think she's scared in a normal feelings way though. I really believe she's scared that she'll fall in love with me. I think she might have a crush on me but it's something she feels like can never happen.  I think the reason being is she doesn't think her friends would approve or our family. That's why I think she does put up a guard. I don't think she agrees with the whole cousin relationship thing since her dad goes to church. We both don't really go to church anymore and I personally don't believe cousin relationship are wrong. Which I think she feels like it can never happen because she's worried it will hurt her reputation. That's the feeling I got with her text messages after I told her I liked her. She didn't really say anything but it sounded like  she wanted me not to pursue these feelings towards her because to her it wasn't right for anything to happen between us. If she didn't feel anything towards me in that way why would she care if I kept on feeling this way toward her or stopped. I do think I made a big mistake I didn't say because I was embarrassed myself. When she confronted me about feeling this way about her I told her that it was wrong for the way I felt because I was scared and I know that was wrong to say because I'm madly in love with her. I never did apologize for being in love with her just for the way it made her feel.

You don't know that though. Assume that she does not. I think that she is the same with any other guys. She acts the same friendly and flirty way to other guys. And guys make advances to her all the time....so I tend to think that it is 'normal' to her for a guy 'confessing his feeling' to her,..like what you did. Know what I'm saying? And yeah...it sucks that she just brushed it off. But you can use that to your advantage -- for it means that you never really lost your face nor your pride...Coz it didn't mean anything to her (in that heavy, special, kind of a way...know what I mean?) Hence, stick to the plan of no contact with her until you can read her real feelings. In the meantime, however, admire her cuteness and hotness. lol.

You know how you deal with girls in high school that liked you but you don't like them back? That's what you should do to her when she visits your house (when you guys meet again) when she checks with grandma or something. You can even joke to them, "Heeeey Miss beautiful!" blah blah blah (without meaning it. lol) then observe how she reacts. lol :D Usually those girls will raise their eyebrows and be like, "What a creep" or like "Oh shut up". Know what I mean? If you illicit that kind of reaction, then act accordingly. If she blushes though or just kept quiet, then you would know how to react as well....  :P

 

Pooch

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We go to a community college and I know she doesn't really see other guys. I think She's always with her girl friends or her best guy friend but he's kinda like a girl you know he's been best friends with her since they were little. Like neighborhood friends.

She doesn't hookup anymore like that she doesn't believe in that type of thing I know because she dissed her friend about it. She takes a relationship very serious now which  is why I think she hasn't been in one in a long time I think she just doesn't want a guy to disappoint her in a way as well.

She works and she goes to school. She does party: like go out with her friends or drinks with them. She frequently goes to the beach. I'm just not happy how we left things because I did drop contact with her but I acted like a shriveled appendage about it and I really don't know if I should apologize to her or just leave it as is. 

My final text to her was like: Look just because you tell me all this bs (about caring about me as a cousin when she would fight with me in high school at times I felt she didn't care about me)doesn't make me feel any diff I'm not blind or an idiot. I'm glad that you're being very nice bout it because it's a tough position to be put in. You've acted very mature.... Things can go back to normal where I don't care bout you and you don't care bout me. It was always better that way for the both of us. Goodnight I'm sorry for wasting your time.  

 

I was upset and reacted on emotion but it had nothing to do with me being mad at her about her not liking me back this was more about us not having friendly cousin relationship in hs. She always pushed me away or was afraid to talk to me for some reason... I will complement her when I see her. 

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She does have a brother and she frequently visits him in Indiana but he's moving back to where we live (Florida) soon.

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