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Bagli

I can't get over my break-up with my second cousin. How can I move on from first love?

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The first time I met my second cousin was when I was 9 years old, he was 8. My family took a road-trip to his home city and we spent a summer fortnight at a holiday house near their place. As you can imagine, I saw my second cousin everyday. He was very brotherly towards my younger sisters, but for some reason he treated me differently. He was very sweet, but he was also shy around me. I think I probably had a crush on him after a while, but I suppressed my feelings. On my last night there, his older brothers went to get some pizzas, and him and I tagged along. On our way back to his place, we were sitting in the backseat, and out of nowhere, he held my hand. I got a warm and fuzzy feeling. He told me that he like-liked me, I like-liked him, too. I didn't let go of his hand that entire car ride. I didn't see him after that night for many years. I always remembered him, but he was just a memory to me, and a little childhood crush. 

Fast-forward 9 years, and I attended his brother's wedding, which took place in my city last October. I was excited to see him again. I no longer had that childish crush on him, but I was curious about how he turned out. I searched for him amongst the guests, and then the most handsome 17-year-old walks into the hall. I knew it was him right away. Later that day, I went outside to catch a breath of fresh air, and I saw him there. He introduced himself to me, and I could immediately tell that he didn't know who I was, which was totally understandable. We talked about a lot of things, we had a lot in common. Our conversations flowed naturally, we were so comfortable around each other. We exchanged numbers, and we decided to meet at the beach the next day with our other cousins. We hung out many times after that too.

Eventually, our newly-found friendship quickly blossomed into a summer romance. We fell deeply and quickly in love, much to my parents disapproval. I really didn't care. I loved him. He flew back to his home city, and we decided to start a long-distance relationship. Though it was very difficult in the beginning because we couldn't physically see each other, we were determined to survive the distance.

My insecurities started getting the better of me. I'm scared to get attached to people because many of my friends and people I loved left me, or I left them. I always moved cities as a child, so I never got to establish a long-lasting relationship whether it be friends, or boyfriends etc. I began to push him away unintentionally, I'd told him of my tendency to shut people out already, and he was confident that we'd get through it. I did my absolute best not to push him out, but sometimes I did hurt him. I tried to make it up by showing him extra affection but it started taking a toll on him. We mutually decided to break up, I couldn't bear to hurt him any longer. 

After our break-up, which happened a little over two months ago, he stopped talking to me. I got rid of his things, my friends said it would fasten up the "moving on" process, but honestly it's been a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Some days I feel it was for the better and I'm happy, then there are times when I feel sad for weeks, and I can't stop thinking about him. About two weeks ago, he texted me and he said he missed me. I told him I missed him too, but I fear I'd only hurt him again. I was also mad that he stopped talking to me for two months without giving me a heads up.

I'm confused. I want him back but I also want to move on. I keep hearing his voice in my head and I can't think straight. Maybe he's already moved on since our last text, and he'll think I'm weird for trying to contact him. 

Please help. Any advice on the situation is greatly appreciated. I don't know what to do. 

 

 

 

Edited by Bagli

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Long distant relationships are especially tough. What do you want out of it exactly? Long distance inherently set limits to your relationship. You can't even enjoy a movie together. It's likely that one or both of you want more than a long distance relationship can offer. How far do you live from each other? Maybe you can both enroll at the same college and see what happens. Otherwise, you will have to resign yourself to a penpal like relationship, which will not last as you have already found out. To make it work, you would have to throw all caution to the wind and move closer to him in order to get to know him better. 

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When things don't go right then it's about time to take a left turn :P. Start loving yourself; focus on the things you want to achieve in your life. Think like this:

1. You deserve better but for now you don't need another person in your life to support yourself.

2. Master the skill to be independent and learn that you can survive even if you don't have anyone around you.

3. Learn from hard times and breakups, maybe they want to teach you something or a skill which you are lacking. 

4. Have faith and patience, sometimes we love others so much that we forget about ourselves and our family. Maybe, it's about time to reevaluate things. I always tell people that relationships are not everything in our life, we live only once, so it's up to you whether you want to spend your life thinking about your ex (energy drainer) or focus on yourself.

 

Peace and love :)

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Thank you both for your advice! I appreciated it a lot. 

We got into contact again about a month ago and reconciled shortly thereafter. We're meeting each other next month, at the end of June. I'm really excited to see him again, but I think I'm going to let things unfold by itself. I'm also more sure of myself this time around and so is he.

@KC We live a 2-hour flight away. He's in Cape Town and I'm in Pretoria, South Africa. There's a possibility that I'll be going to university in his city next year. I've applied to institutions near his town, but if I don't get accepted, then he's willing to enrol at a university in my city, too. The distance between us is hard like any other long-distance relationship; but it's temporary. God-willing, very soon we'll be together in the same place.

@lmknjbhvgc Thank you! I totally agree with you. Self-love is always first and, every other love follows thereafter. I do try my best to take care of myself and recently I've started spending quality time with myself and taking care of my health. I joined my local gym and enrolled in swimming club to get into better shape. There are times when I get stressed out, but he's my rock and he's love and support strengthens my motivation. I think the breakup has definitely taught me a lot of lessons and made me more self-aware. I've reflected quite a bit and I know why and where our relationship strayed, but we both discussed it and are ready to get past those hurdles. 

Right now, I'm just being optimistic but also realistic. I can't dictate the future. We both truly and deeply love each other. I see a future with him.

I guess only time will tell though. We'll see. Xx

Edited by Bagli

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