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Peaches

I’m deeply in love with my cousin but married

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I never thought I would be in a predicament like this. I’m so torn and don’t know what to do.  We are both in our 30s and reconnected on Facebook. We have lived in different states since we were kids. We started talking about a year ago and have pretty much talked every day since then.  One thing led to another and he finally confessed that he has been in love with me since we were kids. I never thought much of it but I always had a crush on him too.

  I’m now painfully and deeply in love with him. I’ve never had a feeling like this before. The intensity of this is unreal. It is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before. Is this normal? 

I don’t know what to do. My husband is a good guy but I got married young to do the “right thing”.  I don’t want to rip my family apart but the thought of never being with him feels like a punch in the gut.  

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You are in a situation we have many coming here with.  The  fact of the matter is  you are MARRIED. You did state that. AND you do nothing with the cousin.

Regardless of the feelings you two have for each other, you need to cut all ties with him. No text, facebook, phone calls or any other form of communication, UNTIL

you decide what you are going to do about the marriage. We do not just give you a pat on the back and say  go for it with the cousin just because this is a site

for cousin couples.  You are essentially cheating on your husband, you said he is a good guy, but he doesn't deserve this. It isn't up to you to decide whether to  rip the

family apart or not. It is you husband's. You owe it to him to tell him what is going on with you and cousin and let him decide if he is interested in continuing the marriage.

 

I am not throwing stones, nor am I judging you, Just giving you something to think about. I am sure LadyC will chime in on her thoughts too.  I wish you the best

in dealing with the situation, but truly believe you need to work on your marriage or tell your husband what is going on and let him decide.

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Hi Peaches

This situation could find any of us, so I will not throw stones. I am a family guy who likes to think I have such clear boundaries. But we are only human, eh? If you want to salvage your marriage, you will block all communications from your cousin and leave it alone. You are playing with fire.

Listen. Your cousin is the guy who never stood up for you, not even for a second. Your husband did. Your husband has invested everything in you and he deserves to be treated much better than this. I meet so many people who only want who they cannot have. Your cousin included. Maybe it is a game to him and he will not want you once your marriage is in tatters or beyond repair.

Don't be a fool, peaches. You are acting like a 10 year old  the first time a boy kissed you on the lips. The excitement will fade, as you know. I'm just afraid you will end up with nothing, and where will your kids be?

 

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PS I did not read Romalee's post before I responded.

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sure, i'll chime in. and i'll try to chime gently. although frankly, no matter how gently i tread, it's going to feel like i'm stomping, because it's not going to be what you want to hear.

marriage is your priority. and i agree with romalee, you absolutely must cut all communication with your cousin. this isn't  just because you're having an emotional affair with a man and it is disrespecting your husband, but because the longer you continue this affair, the more your sanity is in jeopardy. you mention not wanting to rip the family apart... i assume that means there are children involved? you also said you got married to 'do the right thing' which also indicates there is at least one child. i'd be willing to bet that at the time you 'did the right thing' you believed you were in love with him. so really, you're already ripping the family apart. they just don't know it yet.

i take that back. they probably DO know it, they just don't know how or why their world is crumbling. you don't live in a vacuum. the more emotionally entwined you become with your cousin, the more emotionally distant you become to your husband and children. you may not realize it, but it's a fact that you need to face and understand. the bond of the family unit is disintegrating. it always starts slowly, almost imperceptibly, and then grows and grows until there is this huge divide. and your instinct will inevitably be to point fingers and try to lay at least part of the blame on your husband. but you are the one who has strayed. you're the one that let someone else take his place in your heart and mind. and you're the one who is going to have to do the right thing now, and cut all ties with your cousin.

it's going to hurt. it's going to be hard. it's going to feel like someone ripped your heart right out of your chest. (ask me how i know. go ahead, ask!) but it's not impossible to get past. you can learn (literally train yourself) to quit letting this other guy occupy so much space in your head. it takes time and dedication, and it takes commitment. 

and really, it takes more commitment than i see you being willing to give right now. so this is where you need to be honest with yourself (and everybody else). if you are NOT willing to make the commitment to your marriage, then you need to pull up your bootstraps and tell your husband what's going on, and accept the consequences. sure, you're running the risk of a nasty custody battle, and you might lose. at the very least, it would make things rather complicated even if you did get custody. lucky for you, infidelity (whether emotional or physical) only makes you a bad wife in the eyes of the law, and not a bad mother. it's something you have to ask yourself though... if you're not doing right by your husband, are you really putting the children's best interest ahead of your own? is that the picture of 'good parenting' that you see in the mirror?

KC has responded to you while i was typing this. he's right, ya know. right now all these emotions you feel for your cousin are heightened because it's wrong. even if you were to get a divorce today and marry your cousin, i can promise you that a few years down the road the "new" and "exciting" is going to wear off and you'll find yourself in a similar situation... boredom and dissatisfaction making you susceptible to temptation. 

believe it or not, you CAN repair your marriage and rekindle the fire with your husband. again, it's going to take time and effort and a whole lot of commitment, but it can be done. 

so what are you going to do?

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41 minutes ago, KC said:

Hi Peaches

This situation could find any of us, so I will not throw stones. I am a family guy who likes to think I have such clear boundaries. But we are only human, eh? If you want to salvage your marriage, you will block all communications from your cousin and leave it alone. You are playing with fire.

Listen. Your cousin is the guy who never stood up for you, not even for a second. Your husband did. Your husband has invested everything in you and he deserves to be treated much better than this. I meet so many people who only want who they cannot have. Your cousin included. Maybe it is a game to him and he will not want you once your marriage is in tatters or beyond repair.

Don't be a fool, peaches. You are acting like a 10 year old  the first time a boy kissed you on the lips. The excitement will fade, as you know. I'm just afraid you will end up with nothing, and where will your kids be?

 

Thank you to all three of you for helping me put this into perspective. I appreciate the honesty. I guess the cousin aspect only makes it even more intense. I know what I need to do. I don’t even know what’s real anymore.

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Good I'm so glad you took it like that! We really want to be helpful. I wish you the best. 

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If I am your husband I will be deeply deeply hurt. Don't cheat on him my friend... it's not worth it!

5 hours ago, Peaches said:

We started talking about a year ago and have pretty much talked every day since then

If my girlfriend talks to other guys every day for a year, I will be offended and disrespected. How do you think your husband will feel when he knows!? Gosh... 

Also, you said,

 

5 hours ago, Peaches said:

I got married young to do the “right thing”

Then it means you know your husband greatly. You know he is going to get hurt. You know his likes, his dislikes, his strengths and his weaknesses. You have been with him for years...which is definitely a good thing. If I were you Peaches, stop flirting with your cousin and be there for your husband...fix your marriage, your intimacy with him, serve him and make him feel good. You have to be strong on this one because it seems like your cousin is also messing with you knowing that you are already a married woman! What the heck!?

 

5 hours ago, Peaches said:

I never thought much of it but I always had a crush on him too.

Aaaaaannnd this is where it's gonna be and should end.... a crush. And that's it. Nothing wrong with a crush and things like that.. But to have an an affair!? No no no no..... Not cool.

 

Pooch

 

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I’ve tried to cut it off more than once and keep getting sucked back in. I like to think I’m a good person and pretty smart. I don’t know how I’ve became so entangled in this. If anyone has experience I would love help on that front. Because while I know you are all right, I feel like I just can’t stop. I will be extremely heart broken.

I don’t feel like my cousin is a predator because we were both having relationship issues when we started innocently chatting. He is out of his relationship now. He has asked me to marry him. I know it’s wrong but I love him.

  Thank you all for your help. I know I brought this on myself but I would not wish this on anyone.

Edited by Peaches
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2 hours ago, Peaches said:

I’ve tried to cut it off more than once and keep getting sucked back in. I like to think I’m a good person and pretty smart. I don’t know how I’ve became so entangled in this. If anyone has experience I would love help on that front. Because while I know you are all right, I feel like I just can’t stop. I will be extremely heart broken.

I don’t feel like my cousin is a predator because we were both having relationship issues when we started innocently chatting. He is out of his relationship now. He has asked me to marry him. I know it’s wrong but I love him.

  Thank you all for your help. I know I brought this on myself but I would not wish this on anyone.

Hi Peaches,

Two questions:

1. Are you still friends with him (or to any guy) on facebook?

2. How is your marriage with your husband? Are you guys in the middle of a fight or something? You said that he is a good guy... like, can you give more details regarding this? I wanna give you a perspective from a guy's POV.

 

Pooch

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20 minutes ago, pooch said:

Hi Peaches,

Two questions:

1. Are you still friends with him (or to any guy) on facebook?

2. How is your marriage with your husband? Are you guys in the middle of a fight or something? You said that he is a good guy... like, can you give more details regarding this? I wanna give you a perspective from a guy's POV.

 

Pooch

It’s past Facebook we talk and text all day.

not really a fight,well we were ...but we having been living more like friends for years now.

I’m not in love and I don’t think he is either. But he is good to me and a good provider for our family. He does everything that I could ever ask from a husband. But there is no connection,no meaningful conversations. No real happiness.

 

I know people can easily judge and make me out to be a bad guy but I was hoping to get some perspective from other cousins that have been through this. It can’t be that uncommon given the nature of our relationships being so difficult to begin with.

 

Edited by Peaches

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59 minutes ago, KC said:

Uh, Mr Pooch, I am a guy too. :P

LOL. I know i know... hahaha... :P

We are all friends here, you know.. :D

 

Pooch

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1 hour ago, Peaches said:

It’s past Facebook we talk and text all day.

not really a fight,well we were ...but we having been living more like friends for years now.

I’m not in love and I don’t think he is either. But he is good to me and a good provider for our family. He does everything that I could ever ask from a husband. But there is no connection,no meaningful conversations. No real happiness.

 

I know people can easily judge and make me out to be a bad guy but I was hoping to get some perspective from other cousins that have been through this. It can’t be that uncommon given the nature of our relationships being so difficult to begin with.

 

Okay.. I just thought I should ask.

What I am puzzled about actually is your husband. It seems like he is "okay" with all of this, you know? I'm not judging you or anything... I am trying to understand you. I will make judgments (or the lack of it) later...after getting all sufficient info to get the real picture. 

You said that he does not love you either. I think what you are saying is bizzare. He does not love you yet he does everything for you and even good to you and a good provider to your family? There are a lot of things you are not saying... This gives me the impression that what you really just care for is your feeling regarding your cousin...and so rather than giving you a wholistic view and advice here, you will just pick and choose what you would want. I mean, if it's your deal, then there you go.. it's up to you really -- it's your thread after all. I will just mention to you my bias: namely, the marriage thing on first post is already game over. Know what I mean? You are painting yourself in a very bad picture. I mean, you got a Mahatma Ghandi husband then in return you will crap on his head? There are lots of things going on here that I don't understand...So maybe you are just that for the lack of better word, evil..but I will let you respond. Coz I really do want to understand you... you know??

Now having said that, on to your point: you said,

3 hours ago, Peaches said:

He (cousin) is out of his relationship now. He has asked me to marry him. I know it’s wrong but I love him

Let's suppose that you can marry him. Will you marry him? Will you give your affection (that you don't give to your husband right now), your heart, your soul and your body to him? Now before you say "Yes", let's suppose that he actually does not have any feeling for you. He may say that he has feelings for you but actually he just wants to get into your pants. Even more so, if you can marry him, let's pretend that your family won't get ripped apart. Say everybody will actually accept both of you, your actions and all the consequences thereof. Let's say that it will be huge paradise, wedding bells and the whole nine yards, everything is going great. Now of course you will marry him now, right? Of course you will say yes...

or will you, really? 

Regardless of your answer, and follow me on here coz I want detailed and interactive answers on my post (otherwise, I won't waste time), now tell me what are you going to do afterwards.

What do you really want to do and what do you really want to happen, my friend?

 

Pooch

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4 hours ago, Peaches said:

I’ve tried to cut it off more than once and keep getting sucked back in. I like to think I’m a good person and pretty smart. I don’t know how I’ve became so entangled in this. If anyone has experience I would love help on that front. Because while I know you are all right, I feel like I just can’t stop. I will be extremely heart broken.

and that is exactly why we're saying you have to cut ALL communication with him. block his phone number, and on all social media. and after that, you need to start training yourself to stop thinking about him. here's the method that worked for me years ago. i allowed myself x amount of time three times a day to think about the other guy. whenever he crossed my mind at other times i would tell myself "nope, not going to think about him until 7 pm for 15 minutes (or whatever time you have scheduled.) stick to it. when thoughts of him enter your mind, that's a good time to compel yourself to think about your happiest and most loving times that you've had with your  husband. eventually you'll get in the habit of limiting your thoughts of your cousin. when that happens, shorten the time... maybe to ten minutes... maybe to only twice a day. i sincerely believe that is the only way to get somebody out of your head and heart. and by making yourself turn those thoughts towards your husband and happier times, you'll be getting twice the benefit for the effort, because it will be strengthening the marital bond again.

i know it's easier said than done. but i know that you can do it if you set your mind to it. i know, because i did it more than once. the first time was while i was married to my ex-husband. that marriage ended up failing anyway, but it was better that it failed on its own merit and not because i was hung up on someone else. the second time i was single, but had gone through a devastating break-up with someone i'd been dating for two years. 

good luck to ya.

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That was pretty brilliant LadyC. I suppose our greatest pearls of wisdom come from the darkest of times.

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10 hours ago, LadyC said:

and that is exactly why we're saying you have to cut ALL communication with him. block his phone number, and on all social media. and after that, you need to start training yourself to stop thinking about him. here's the method that worked for me years ago. i allowed myself x amount of time three times a day to think about the other guy. whenever he crossed my mind at other times i would tell myself "nope, not going to think about him until 7 pm for 15 minutes (or whatever time you have scheduled.) stick to it. when thoughts of him enter your mind, that's a good time to compel yourself to think about your happiest and most loving times that you've had with your  husband. eventually you'll get in the habit of limiting your thoughts of your cousin. when that happens, shorten the time... maybe to ten minutes... maybe to only twice a day. i sincerely believe that is the only way to get somebody out of your head and heart. and by making yourself turn those thoughts towards your husband and happier times, you'll be getting twice the benefit for the effort, because it will be strengthening the marital bond again.

i know it's easier said than done. but i know that you can do it if you set your mind to it. i know, because i did it more than once. the first time was while i was married to my ex-husband. that marriage ended up failing anyway, but it was better that it failed on its own merit and not because i was hung up on someone else. the second time i was single, but had gone through a devastating break-up with someone i'd been dating for two years. 

good luck to ya.

Thank you. I’m going to try this. I’ve heard of this technique before from a therapist that was helping me with the grief of my mother. It helped me then. In a way this is grieving as well even though I’ve brought this on myself and I can’t talk to anyone about it.

I know you guys are right I need to figure out my marriage before I do anything with my cousin. If he loves me the way he says, he will understand. God bless you all.

Edited by Peaches
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yes, it is grieving! no "in a way" about it! it's ok to call it grief, even if it is of your own making. 

hey, why don't you tell us some of your happiest memories with your husband? that will get ya started :)

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2 hours ago, LadyC said:

yes, it is grieving! no "in a way" about it! it's ok to call it grief, even if it is of your own making. 

hey, why don't you tell us some of your happiest memories with your husband? that will get ya started :)

Thank you he’s definitely a good man and Father and I probably don’t deserve him. He’s always treated me like a princess. We do have a lot of good memories. Maybe a vacation or get a way is needed.

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a vacation might be good!but seriously, talking about the great times you've already shared is probably the most effective way to rekindle some feelings that have gotten lost. i'd love to hear some stories of the best times you've had together!

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Lady C I just talked to  my cousin and it kills me.

Probably my favorite is on our ten year anniversary he took me to a really fancy restaurant and had a new, very nice ring, hidden in the desert at the end of our meal. I love him ,I do but the fire I feel for my cousin is unreal.im seriously thinking about making an appointment with a marriage counselor for help. If I told my husband,he would never understand.i need help.

39 minutes ago, LadyC said:

a vacation might be good!but seriously, talking about the great times you've already shared is probably the most effective way to rekindle some feelings that have gotten lost. i'd love to hear some stories of the best times you've had together!

 

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you're not dying, it just feels like it. but that's why the first and most important step is to STOP talking to your cousin. no amount of advice we can give is going to be worth a darn thing if you don't end all communication. cold turkey. yes, it will hurt like the dickens. but believe it or not, that pain is nothing compared to the agony of dragging this out.

how long have you and your husband been married? i've been married (this time) for 19 years. it hasn't always been bliss, but the number of awesome years is quickly approaching the number of not-so-fabulous ones. i promise, you can get the fire and passion back with your husband... if you WANT to. 

have you ever heard of the "love dare"? made popular by by the movie 'fireproof' about 7 or 8 years ago. you should get a copy. in fact, audible.com offers it free to keep with a trial subscription that you can cancel. https://tinyurl.com/freelovedare

if you will read that book and follow the daily dares, it will do you far more good (in far less time) than any marriage counselor. every day you'll have a new 'dare' to accomplish. for example, the first day, your dare is to be patient and say nothing negative no matter how annoyed you get with your husband. . on day 2, your dare is to continue to be patient, but to add one random act of kindness towards your husband. Day 3, continue your resolve to not be critical towards him, and buy him something that says "i was thinking of you today". 40 days and it really can transform your marriage. but you have to be willing to try. you CAN be madly and deeply in love with your husband again if you are willing to try. 

so if you really want our help here, start with these two steps... 

  1. get a copy of the love dare and START it.
  2. send your cousin one final text letting him know you are putting your energy into your marriage and that you are cutting off all means of communication with him. and then do so, without waiting for him to respond. if you let him respond, it will only become a major drama that steals your attention and affection from your children and your husband.

once you start the dare, please keep us updated! i'd love to hear how things progress!

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1 hour ago, LadyC said:

you're not dying, it just feels like it. but that's why the first and most important step is to STOP talking to your cousin. no amount of advice we can give is going to be worth a darn thing if you don't end all communication. cold turkey. yes, it will hurt like the dickens. but believe it or not, that pain is nothing compared to the agony of dragging this out.

how long have you and your husband been married? i've been married (this time) for 19 years. it hasn't always been bliss, but the number of awesome years is quickly approaching the number of not-so-fabulous ones. i promise, you can get the fire and passion back with your husband... if you WANT to. 

have you ever heard of the "love dare"? made popular by by the movie 'fireproof' about 7 or 8 years ago. you should get a copy. in fact, audible.com offers it free to keep with a trial subscription that you can cancel. https://tinyurl.com/freelovedare

if you will read that book and follow the daily dares, it will do you far more good (in far less time) than any marriage counselor. every day you'll have a new 'dare' to accomplish. for example, the first day, your dare is to be patient and say nothing negative no matter how annoyed you get with your husband. . on day 2, your dare is to continue to be patient, but to add one random act of kindness towards your husband. Day 3, continue your resolve to not be critical towards him, and buy him something that says "i was thinking of you today". 40 days and it really can transform your marriage. but you have to be willing to try. you CAN be madly and deeply in love with your husband again if you are willing to try. 

so if you really want our help here, start with these two steps... 

  1. get a copy of the love dare and START it.
  2. send your cousin one final text letting him know you are putting your energy into your marriage and that you are cutting off all means of communication with him. and then do so, without waiting for him to respond. if you let him respond, it will only become a major drama that steals your attention and affection from your children and your husband.

once you start the dare, please keep us updated! i'd love to hear how things progress!

17 years!! Thank you for the lengthy response I will look up the book. I just don’t know what is wrong with me. If it weren’t for my kids I know what I would do. I’m going to try to do the right thing. 

I told my cousin earlier I needed to cut off communication to figure out if I could save my family,because talking to him is too painful. He says he understands but begged me to not stop talking to his “as cousins”. I just can’t 

Edited by Peaches

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you're very wise to recognize that you can't continue a 'just cousins' relationship. yeah, that's like going back to being just friends with a recent lover. not happening.

you've taken the first step letting him know you have to cut off ties... make sure to follow through and block him from contacting you! and keep us posted on how things go with your husband :)

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