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Jongregh

Need advise. I felt cheated with my WIFE over her cousin!!!

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Hello,

I'm new here and have been amazed of the thoughtful advices given by people here. Its my first time writing a confession, as i dont usually expressing my feelings to public. But I was brought to this site and feels comfortable to open.up my situation. So here's my story:

Im married for more than 2 years now, and have never felt cheated until this foreign guy (2nd degree cousin of my wife) came in.

My wife is 27 years old, and her cousin is younger  to her than 5 years. They've got reconnected through facebook (p.s. The cousin was on the other side of the world). They cant hardly recall when was the last time they've meet, it was like below 8years old  (guy 3years old) or was something near to that. They chat on messenger for like 2 months from now.

At first it was just like a regular exchange of infos, updates of life,family  tree, common likes and favourites, etc. (this has been processed for like 3weeks from their reconnection). Exchanging chat messages almost everyday for like 3hours. 

Until 1 day I read a conversation from my wife's  messenger towards her cousin as this:

..."don't worry if your girlfriend broke up with you. For now, i can be your girlfriend/cousin until you find the right girl for you."... "i will be here for you"...

The guy cousin also replied the same. Then from there, followed hours of chatting each other, saying like how much the guy wants to travel famous cities/countries, and invited my wife to come with him. To where my wife also replied like:

..."yeah, take me with you coz"... And then..., i read something like this.... Wife: "me too, i would want to give you a big hug right now coz"...

This alarms me! I've called my wife, confronted here of the situation and said to her that their convo hurts my feeling. She responded that "theres nothing to worry about we're just cousin, no malice, and that was just for talks..."  she said her sorry and I tried to understand her and forgave. I said to her that its really fine with me that that she chat with her cousin but next time to give limits/boundaries in  between their  conversation cause your already married and are committed to someone." She agreed with me. And I understand her.


Two weeks later (p.s. i know that they still have communication over messenger, but im okay with it cause i assume that she already consider my request of giving "limits"). One evening after we have said our goodnights and going to bed already. I was surprised on the middle of the night that she's still awake and are talking to someone over her phone. I pretended as  already asleep whilst secretly opening her messenger account. I found that its her cousin again. I was still okey, until their video call ended (almost 1 hour). And then pop a message from her cousin saying: 

..."I love you Coz...(w/ kiss heart emoticons)" and then my wife also replied "i love you too Coz...(with emoticons but i cant remember which)"...

I felt uneasy, cant go back to sleep, and was keeping silent the whole night. Morning sun rises, i check back the messenger, the convo was deleted. This is where i felt like I've BEEN CHEATED!!!... I confronted here, asking her WHY!!??? Is it really necessary to say i love you on the middle of the night? After an hour of video call behind my back??? I cant stop my emotions, i've express to her how hurt and depressed i was, and was like "why are you making things like this", why are you hiding something from me and delete messages, if there's no meaning at all??? She already started to cried.

Couple of hours passed by.... And was saying that she didnt mean to hurt my feelings. I was like giving-up the relationship already that time. She reason out that he deleted because she knew that im gonna be angry and upset if i discover. She expresses her sad sorry, very DEPRESSED (i can see it in her cries). 

And she was like saying that:

..."maybe only suicide will ease and end all the pain and hurtaches she felt now"....

I've paused for hour not talking, and then i feel like "pity" on her, and was trying to fixed the broken pieces of our marriage, i approached her and giving her 2nd chance. We've talked sincerely, and she was like saying that there's really nothing to worry, and was saying verrry sooorrryy.. That she's still in-love with me, and all the convo are just "tingy-purely-cousin" greetings. From thereon, i often open her messenger account whenever i used FB.

Again, another 2 or more weeks had passed ive been suspicious of her deleting some of their message/convo. I confronted her the 3RD TIME, WHHHYYYY??? And still gave me a reason that i will be angry. I told her: "if you know i will be angry of that why would you want to still do it?". She reason out that there's nothing wrong in it. (ive been again given the reason of being "THE COUSIN". To which i already considered as a way of hiding their suspicious affair.) We havent talked on that day.

I checked on her account, and there she confess to the cousin of how angry i was. And the cousin was like defending her, that im thinking too much and are overprotective, that i should not be controlling her, suggesting to change password, and are saying that she (wife) was not cheating, that i  (his husband) have trust issues, etc. After i read the convo, i texted my wife telling, that she make the issue worst.

From those moment forward, i say to myself that this is the end of our marriage. Damage has already been done. Family of both parties knew the situation (except mine). Her parents are giving us advice to not be carried away, that it was just part of the obstacle of getting together. 


Her parents are giving effort to have us back together. We gave it a chance, We're days ago from when the situation was errupted. Living on the same roof, But i can feel "AWKWARD". I didnt show any interest of her since then (i can still feel the hurtaches and betrayal). She, on the other hand are also like feeling alone and depressed. 

I dont know how will this marriage goes. I will be hopeful of your candid opinion and advise guys. As i was also feeling the guilt of making the problem worst, because the opposing party is saying that its their way of culture, and that they're not doing anything wrong, and that their conversation are not something to be worried about. Appreciate your advise.

MANY THANKS!

Edited by Jongregh
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The cousin is half way around the world; there is no need to sell the farm just yet. First, I will say that your wife is being so damn immature that it is apparently making me cuss outloud (wife is asking me why I am cussing).

Your wife is being very hurtful to you. I wish I could give her some frank advice. Her indifference over the fate of her marriage is stunning. I would make it clear that this is an intolerable situation and that I was leaving if she ever installed messenger again. 

You have to have boundaries to have a healthy relationship and for your mental health. Set them, stick to them, and let the cards fall where they may.

PS putting her phone in the oven on 400F overnight might make you feel a little better. 

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Thanks for the candid opinion KC. I can say im really in love with her cause right now im still thinking of how depressed she are could be right now. She doesn't yet show any interest of getting the relationship alive. Feels lonely. I dont know why she reacted like this despite the situation. As if she's brokenhearted.p

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First of all they haven't met but they only chat through Facebook, right?

Even with that way, you must be worried that she will cheat you one day with him! I had a relationship for many years, I was engaged, I was about to get married and I was cheated. Guess what. My ex-nearly-wife was flirting through Facebook and deleting messages! Eventually she cheated on me and married a rich guy! And I am sure that she will break up one day.

If you don't have kids and if you are 100% honest with your wife and always good at everything (ex. sex and helping with the house mostly) then your wife has issues and she is not good for marriage. If she has a predisposition to cheat, she will cheat. It's the same with my ex. If the circumstances come she will do it. And when women cheat they quit relationships and marriage. It's not like men. But that's just an opinion. There is a small chance that she will never cheat. What I would do in your position is record her phone calls even if she doesn't know it. You will learn everything. 2nd degree cousin is like no relation. They can normally have sex and kids together.

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Thanks bro,. Im much relieved now that its not me who have issue between this situation. And some1 out there also feels the same sorrow as i do.

To add more on the topic, i can read between their convos that they're excited. It seems like a fresh start relationship wherein sweets and concerning oneself, and virtually talking of going together on a vacation in a country. From which my wife seems like not committed to some1 else, and are just freely exploiting how she feels too. Without even mentioning me (as the husband) on their not-so-real-but-with-possibilities-planned-vacation together). 

I can read on their convo, that they're exchanging context like  how much "they like talking/chatting with each other everyday". They chat most days of the weeks and often from morning to evening. (since my wife have freetime on her office works). This is where  myburs emotion get burst.

And whats worst, is they dont admit anything of the mutual feeling they have. That they're just  like regular  cousin, and casully said that its normal.

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When your wife is chatting up another guy all day on messenger, it is not anywhere near normal. I can't see it even being normal in any possible parallel universe. 

Bro,  don't make excuses for her behavior. She should be depressed. If you do not get rid of her, you are going to be depressed to the point of insanity. 

If your wife brought home another guy, took him to bed and told you to sleep on the couch, would that be ok? 

I'm just saying that it is fine to set boundaries as rigidly or as loosely as you like, but you have to set them. And when your wife goes beyond them, you pack her stuff up and set it by the curb. 

Don't sell yourself short. If your wife wants her cousin, buy her a$$ a one-way ticket to the other side of the world so she can be with him.

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Once again, do you have kids? If you don't have kids, take some screenshots, save them and send her a divorce against her and bye bye. Let's make it clear. Think all your married friends. Would they go on vacation with their cousins? Of course not. They would prefer to spend their precious days off wotk with their wifes/husbands! Also when you talk to your female cousins that you've grewn up together and see each other friendly, do you say "Oh it's very nice to chat with you" or do you even delete conversation logs? Of course not, unless you have something to hide.
 

She is inappropriate for marriage. Period. I am pretty sure that you can find an other woman and make a family instead of risking it. If you have kids however, if I was you, I would take her Facebook password and check everything. And if she insisted going vacation with her cousin, I would go with my friends for sextourism in famous locations without her even knowing it. Cos either way the next logs that you will see after the vacation will be "It was the best sex of my life".

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an emotional affair via messenger or text is just as much an affair as a physical one. in some cases, even MORE so. my advice as a woman is that your wife is no longer invested in your marriage, and that proclamations of depression and threats of suicide are just a way of keeping her financial security from walking out of her life.

you deserve better.

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I really appreciate  you guys for taking  the time to respond on my situation Mr. @KC, Mr. @JohnArg , and Ms @LadyC. It surely are helping me in concluding for a better decision.

As update to this topic:

Yes, we dont have kids yet. My wife needs to take medication in order to get pregnant (that was the advise of  our doctor). We have set aside 1st this medication thing, as my wife requested, she feels not yet ready for the biggest obligation/responsibility. I understand her, and agreed that she will start the medication after 3years of our marriage (last quarter of this year). By the way im 30.

For the divorced issue, it is not yet applicable to our country (only annulment). But yes i do have screenshots of the messages. Actually, i have used it when i confronted the guy cousin.  He was mad, throwing bad words at me, of why i am over-reacting on the convo of his cousin. And that i am the one who makes the problem. Mentioned things, that there should be nothing to worry because they are just COUSIN. 

 I told him about their "i love u" thing , that it had different meaning. And he, gets more mad, and angrily replied to me using the "cousin" thing again, that there's nothing more. I've never replied to his last thrown messages because its just contain mostly of bad words, bad-mouthed and foul words, and only contains explanation of them being the cousin. And I find the conversation useless. 

Minutes later, couple of his friends send me messages. But still just contain the same thing as his. They're acting like dogs who only knows of barking foul words. No helpful messages and explanation.

 

**Guys, wish i could send to you also the screenshots of the messages. maybe.

 

Edited by Jongregh

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Jongreg,

Are you sure that your wife is 27 years old!? Coz she acts like a teenager...She craves attention from other guys, does not care about the consequences of her actions and does not accept responsibilities. :( I am sorry that you have to go through this phase in your marriage. I really hope it can be fixed. 

Have you told her that you are jealous over her? This is different from merely saying "I don't like it when you are cheating" or "It is not normal for both of you to be saying those to one another, especially that you are now married to me".. You know? Like, explicitly tell her that you are jealous. And that jealousy will definitely kill your marriage. But don't give up on her yet though. Though it's definitely inexcusable, It's just that probably she's lonely too. And that this guy from the other side of the world gave her attention and "that high" -- which supposed to be she gets from you. She felt that she is not cheating because she probably thinks that they won't even see each other physically, that it is very unlikely that both of them really will be together or that whatever they are having is merely a 'phase' or just "for good feels". That, however, is wrong. Not just it's wrong on the moral level but even more so on your end! Tell her, if it's flipped around and you are the one going video chats with a coworker or that saying "I love yous" to each other, will she be alright with that? Geez..

Don't have the divorce though... Please work on your marriage. Don't do a heart surgery when you only got heartburns. I am not trying to minimize it though -- but still you gotta "put her on a leash" (to put it crassly) and by that I mean, put her (and yourself) on the leash of marriage. I mean, why be married in the first place if the situation is going to be like the one you are having now?! :( 

You know what I am surprised about though?

That she is open to that facebook thing. I mean, she got "caught" the first time yet you can still access her facebook messenger. I mean, that might give credance to what she is saying (that it is just normal for them to be close and be tight to one another and stuff like that, you know?) Maybe the first time. But then the second time? Third time!? Now that's becomes kinda interestingly weird for me. Because even with the third emotional cheating, you can still access her messenger. Either she is just "bad in hiding her affair" or that she is telling the truth. Either which, both is not acceptable. Another thing is that how can you tolerate this?! If I were in your shoes, the first time this happened, I will have her block off all communication from that third party. Like, unfriend/block on facebook and all forms off social media. I mean, the first time it happens, you could have dealt with it harshly (because a third party problem in marriage is very serious) yet it seems to me that you didn't.... for it occurred again and again. :(

Either way, I hope it gets better, my friend. And I will end with this: Work on your marriage. It is awkward during this phase but tell her that you don't want to live with this thick cloud over you guys under the same roof. You want to feel that it is homely and comely living with her than with your guy friends when you were in the dorm in college....

And she should understand that and must cook for you good food. :D

Pooch

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if it was really "only cousins" then they wouldn't be so incredibly disrespectful to you and to your feelings. listen, i wish i could tell you something that would make it all better. oh wait, i CAN! here it is. leave her. get an annulment. if you need a reason for the annulment, here it is: she treats you with disrespect. and you refuse to be treated that way by your wife. 

and yes, that really will make it all better. because if you continue with this charade of a marriage, it's just going to continue to compound your misery. end your marriage. as painful as it might be at first, once it is over, you're going to feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off your shoulders.

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LadyC,

They have only been married for two years though. Isn't it the case that this is the usual phase where couples are really getting the hit of reality that they really are no longer "single"? And that they are indeed really married? 

And so left and right there will be problems. I just wish that the OP's situation is not as bad as it sounds like...you know..? That it can still be salvaged. Divorce should always be the last resort...

However, if the trust with one another is damaged, it really will erode the marriage and the relationship so fast...

 

Pooch

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28 minutes ago, pooch said:

LadyC,

They have only been married for two years though. Isn't it the case that this is the usual phase where couples are really getting the hit of reality that they really are no longer "single"? And that they are indeed really married? 

And so left and right there will be problems. I just wish that the OP's situation is not as bad as it sounds like...you know..? That it can still be salvaged. Divorce should always be the last resort...

Murder should be the last resort, not divorce. Kidding! Kidding! The reason some couples stay married for 50 years isn't because they are so compatible but because they have lived through total crap together. 

The problem here is that his wife is continuing to hold on to this inappropriate relationship. There appears to be nothing left to do except lace up the walking shoes.

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23 minutes ago, KC said:

Murder should be the last resort, not divorce

Harharhar! That's right KC! 😈

Hear! Hear! LOL :D

 

Pooch

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5 hours ago, KC said:

The reason some couples stay married for 50 years isn't because they are so compatible but because they have lived through total crap together. 

The problem here is that his wife is continuing to hold on to this inappropriate relationship. There appears to be nothing left to do except lace up the walking shoes.

exactly!

pooch, 

5 hours ago, pooch said:

They have only been married for two years though. Isn't it the case that this is the usual phase where couples are really getting the hit of reality that they really are no longer "single"? And that they are indeed really married? 

at two years, most people are still enjoying a honeymoon stage. his wife is having an emotional affair and treating her husband like yesterday's garbage. what's worse, she's allowing other people to treat him with disrespect. this isn't an isolated incident for his wife, she's been doing it over and over even after being caught. she's not likely to stop. if she had any interest in stopping, she wouldn't keep disrespecting him and  then manipulating him with threats of suicide. it's a double whammy. it's emotional infidelity and emotional blackmail. he needs to cut loose from her before things get more psychotic.

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Hello Pooch,

Thank you. You nailed it on these two quotes from you:

1. >>> It's just that probably she's lonely too. And that this guy from the other side of the world gave her attention and "that high" -- which supposed to be she gets from you.<<<

* As much as i dont want to believe it, yet, it feels like the truth.... Because  months ago, when this cousin guy just came up on her messenger (maybe couple of days). There was an evening wherein she told me of how she felt over our union. That we seems just like borders. We sleep, wake-up-in-the-morning, eat, work, home, sleep, and again and again (we have sex of course). We talked with each other, but she said its a different feeling when she does with her sister, with her officemate-girl-closefriend, and with her recently known cousin. (P.S. She doesnt have much friends, only officemate and her family).By  difference, she means that she like their convo's most of the time that it keeps going-on. Unlike us, that will suddenly stop/end (in short boring, but she never mentioned it). She said that they have much more similarity in terms of hobbies, movies, music, etc., that they can relate with each other,which eventually  keeps their communication moving. Rather than with mine. (Because i do have different hobbies which she cant relate. Taste of music like kurt cobain, metallica, etc.).

Of course, i felt worried. I mean why now, when we haven't have this issue before. I admit i do have my shortcomings because sometimes i came late at home because of work. And occasionally goes with friends - office, college, rider-mates, highschool-mates, childhood-buddies (maybe thrice a month in total). But i do always invited her. Sometimes she goes with me, but mostly rather stay at home or in her parents house. We do also hangout (with my wife), visiting places, went to coffee shops on the evening. But not so often. Because we also need to save money for our future. But soon as i arrived home, i always do to her things to make our relationship alive. Sometime she will respond, but sometimes prefer not to be disturbed.

2.

>>> "She felt that she is not cheating because she probably thinks that they won't even see each other physically, that it is very unlikely that both of them really will be together or that whatever they are having is merely a 'phase' or just "for good feels". <<<

* She keeps on telling me this one whenever i reminder her to give limits of her chatting with the cousin guy. After the 1st and 2nd time.

3. About the facebook messenger thing. She wanted me to feel that she's being honest to me all this time. That there's nothing to be worried, cause i can access the account whenever i wanted..   (PS: I dont want to forbid these social media apps - fb, messenger, instagram, to her because i know and i can tell that these makes her happy).   But....deleting messages, is already not acceptable for me. Although on that 3rd time of confrontation it is not an "i luv u" messages that i discovered been deleted, but only "visiting  Countries, its nice there you  might want to come with me". "...take me with you". "...you should work here". "...when you come here, i will tour you in this places (with photos of the guy cousin's hometown, airport, etc.)". Nevertheless, it wakes-up my jealousy, of  why i was never been mentioned by my wife on these convos of vacation/trip. And worst, some of these thread  have been deleted.

I was once reading of a hanging chat message from my wife:     "oh, you're taking a shower!" (i dont know what's ahead of those message because it was deleted, perhaps a sent photo or something.) ... And then the guy cousin was like "im shaving off my beard. Hahaha..."       I was like, what the coitus, this was not like regular cousin communication. To think that its already 12 midnight (ps: the guy cousin's timezone is like ahead of 3hours from ours, the country is really not that far. Sorry for my previous description of "other side of the world").

 

Edited by Jongregh

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Ms @LadyC, i will think of this advise of yours:

>>>if you need a reason for the annulment, here it is: she treats you with disrespect. and you refuse to be treated that way by your wife. <<<

The feeling is really heavy that it survived me for 2-consecutive nights of no-sleep, even if i feel exhausted in office works and site works.

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Mr. @KC,... "MURDER"  hahaha...😂.

Thank you guys, at the very least i feel the comfort in confessing to you. Because i dont normally disclose feelings to my friends, even with my parents.

Thanks for this site, you really done well in giving opinions. ! 😉 

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Ms LadyC,

Your quote of:

"...his wife is having an emotional affair"

"...she's been doing it over and over even after being caught."

My thought is: If she's doing this with another guy, i wouldn't hesitate of leaving her right away. No 3rd time would exist at all....... But 😞 , i was caught on this situation, of them being just a "COUSIN". 😫 

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Hey Jon,

Thanks for the response. Anyhow, just curious. How close of an age gap are you guys? Also, are you guys of different race/ethnicity? I don't want to sound stereotypical...but I just want to ask. :D

 

Pooch

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4 hours ago, pooch said:

Hey Jon,

Thanks for the response. Anyhow, just curious. How close of an age gap are you guys? Also, are you guys of different race/ethnicity? I don't want to sound stereotypical...but I just want to ask. :D

 

Pooch

Hi Pooch. Im only 3 years ahead of her. And yes we're of the same race. We both have job. And im the one who spent for our necessities, of course. We are not rich. The foreign cousin guy, no idea, only that they're leaving on rich/famous country.

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38 minutes ago, Jongregh said:

Hi Pooch. Im only 3 years ahead of her. And yes we're of the same race. We both have job. And im the one who spent for our necessities, of course. We are not rich. The foreign cousin guy, no idea, only that they're leaving on rich/famous country.

May I know what race if you don't mind me asking?

Pooch

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Guys, i was thinking now of leaving her. Its been more than a week sincd we have this problem. And she seems not looking or giving effort to keep  back the  relationship. We dont talk since then. She has her pride. Im not the one who did the mistake so why should i look down upon myself. 

She seems more concerned with her feeling of being like "Broken-hearted", and was like started telling me that there's no forever when we saw other couples happy.

I think its the best for me now, and should start doing whats best for myself too. I'll keep you posted guys for any updates. Many thanks!

Cheers!

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