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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Looking for advice...

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Hi guys, new here so please go easy on me!

I'm a 24 year old male.

A few months back I met what I believe is either 1st cousin once removed or 2nd cousin? (my father is cousins with her mother?) for the first time at a family party. (22 y/o female) I had no idea of her existence before this meeting.

Anyway, it was pretty much love at first site, there was just that immediate attraction. I left it at that because I never in a million years thought she'd think it too.

But I was very much wrong, she felt exactly the same.

I told her last week how I felt, and she couldn't believe it, but she felt exactly the same. Great right? Nope. There's an issue. She has a boyfriend.

We've been talking a lot, and she's even said she thinks we could be soul mates, she's openly told me she's never felt this way about anyone before, and even said we'd be perfect together. Quite honestly I feel exactly the same. I haven't been able to sleep of late, and I've even lost my appetite about it.

Again, after more conversations, she's told me that if she was single, she'd be with me in a heartbeat, but she's not prepared to break up with her current boyfriend because she couldn't do that to him.

I really don't know what to do next. Help?

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Hi and welcome to cc.

What you can do is for the time being is  bow out gracefully. She has told you she

is not prepared to leave her bf. So until such time that she should decide to do that, which could

end up  being never, you need to back away and not interfere in the relationship.

It would also probably be best to let her know that until/ unless she is not involved with current bf

anymore you two don't need to be talking about feelings for each other etc. To do so would amount to

her cheating on her bf and he doesn't deserve that. Even if you are not meeting or being in the physical presence

of one another.  Put yourself in his shoes should this be going on.  The present relationship of hers needs to be

dealt with first. Whether that means she stays with him and there is not a chance of the two of you being together

or she does decide to end the relationship.  The decision has to be hers with no interference/pressure from you.

One thing we don't advocate on here is leaving one relationship for another, doesn't matter if it is a marriage or bf/gf.

Best wishes to you as you and she figure where you go from here.

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Thanks for the fast reply Romalee.

Hi and welcome to cc.

What you can do is for the time being is  bow out gracefully. She has told you she

is not prepared to leave her bf. So until such time that she should decide to do that, which could

end up  being never, you need to back away and not interfere in the relationship.

It would also probably be best to let her know that until/ unless she is not involved with current bf

anymore you two don't need to be talking about feelings for each other etc. To do so would amount to

her cheating on her bf and he doesn't deserve that.

Even if you are not meeting or being in the physical presence

of one another.  Put yourself in his shoes should this be going on.  The present relationship of hers needs to be

dealt with first. Whether that means she stays with him and there is not a chance of the two of you being together

or she does decide to end the relationship.  The decision has to be hers with no interference/pressure from you.

One thing we don't advocate on here is leaving one relationship for another, doesn't matter if it is a marriage or bf/gf.

Best wishes to you as you and she figure where you go from here.

I completely agree with you here, we met up yesterday, purely as friends, and well at the end of the night she said she wanted me to kiss her. I wouldn't because of her current relationship. I wouldn't like it if it was the other way round so I am trying to avoid that.

I cannot however, get my mind round things, it is completely wrecking my head. I've had a few serious relationships in the past, but nothing compares to this feeling I have with her. And from what she says, she feels exactly the same, even with her current situation.

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Bit of an update, I did what you said Romalee.

Stopped talking about feelings and all of that. And just been talking like two normal people, or at least I've tried.

She text me last night saying how difficult this is, and that she wanted to see me and then changed her mind again this morning.

Then today, one minute she wants to see me again, the next she doesn't.

And now she feels it's for the best we don't talk any more.

I am in absolute bits.

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You need to tell her that the ball is in her court.  You are not going to interfere in her current relationship and if she wants to pursue a relationship with you then she has to cut all ties with her BF first. 

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I understand and agree that it isn't easy for you to be "played" like this by her.

Maybe you need to share what you have said here and any advice or whatever you have gotten.

Maybe bring her to this site.  Tell her you just want her to know what this is doing to you and

that she needs to leave you alone. Period. Until she deals with what is going on in her life ie bf,

and makes a decision of what she wants.  You don''t have to be mean or hateful. Just explain that you

can't deal with the turmoil.  I don't want to put words in your mouth but you get the drift.

Best wishes.

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Serendipity posted while it was typing my response.

I think she may have just hit the nail on the head.

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Thanks guys

I told her this morning that it would be hard to simply not talk to her any more,

so if we could maybe still talk, but less, and a lot more chilled out. No pressure.

It's seemed to work and well, we're getting along as mates, today at least!

She's literally just told me she's heading to her boyfriends tonight to have a talk with him, I'm not entirely sure what about, but I'll be sure to keep you updated!

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I may have gone a bit astray from the advice given here.

We've been getting on great since my last message, and we met up for lunch yesterday.

This was purely on a friends only basis, however, it didn't pan out that way. We ended up kissing, and well, she told me she is falling for me.

Today has been great too, until around 6pm this evening when she said to me "you know you're wasting your time on me?" and then followed up that with "we can never happen" - she then took that back but said we can't for the foreseeable future.

She doesn't regret what happened, in fact wishes more had happened, but this is massively playing with my head now.

I know I shouldn't have kissed her but what's done is done.

Any suggestion on what to do next?

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Read previous advice again and again and again.

I'm not saying what is told you is the only way, but Serendipity had it straight on.

Best wishes.

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So, we decided to sit down and talk about our feelings, and she's again told me that we can never happen.

I asked the hypothetical question "if you didn't have a boyfriend, would there be anything holding you back?"

Her answer, family.

She's worried about family reactions and says it's a big issue for her.

Guess my options have run out.

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She is being wishy-washy and making excuses.  She hasn't given any indication that she wants to end things with her BF, so it sounds like she wants to play around with you while maintaining her current romance.  I'm sure this is not the advice you want to hear, but your only option right now is to bow out.  You should not have proceeded any further after your first post here, but you did and unfortunately you have created even more of an emotional upheaval for yourself.  Sometimes the best thing to do is to take a step back and see what may develop over time - even though a gal who would cheat on her BF by kissing another man and who would  play hot and cold with you doesn't really sound like someone worth waiting around for.

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