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My cousin just ended our 8 year relationship because she’s afraid that the family will break apart. It was very painful for both us and we cried like never before. We were together in secret all this time but rumor spreading of our relationship made her realize that she could no longer bear the guilt of having to lie to everyone. I’ve tried everything I can to get her to come back to me but she says there’s no turning back. She says that no one will accept us no matter what explanation we give to them. She even threatened with leaving everything behind and starting out from the ground up somewhere where I won’t find her. I’ve hardly eaten anything or gotten any sleep since then. My last hope is convincing someone important in our family that what we have is true love and letting her know not to worry about what the family will say. So here’s the tricky part. The only person that could probably understand what we have is my mother. She and my father got together while my father was still with her sister and they’ve been together for 33 years now. The family took a nasty split when that happened with mostly everyone including her only brother siding with her older sister.  Should  I tell her about our feelings? Was that relationship taboo enough for them to understand? Or will it backfire and end up losing her love completely for still insisting. After all, my mother already suspected that there was something going on between us. 

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Hi CherishHer,

Welcome to the forum. Some questions:

25 minutes ago, CherishHer said:

She says that no one will accept us no matter what explanation we give to them

Has she (or both of you) tried telling this matter to them (parents, family, etc..) already before? If so, I believe that although the result was an unfavorable one, has it been that bad? Please explain this point some more in more detail.

27 minutes ago, CherishHer said:

She even threatened with leaving everything behind and starting out from the ground up somewhere where I won’t find her

This sounds peculiar. Have you been stalking her? You see, if the two of you are okay, then the sentences before this quoted above may not matter much. But then if the two of you are not on the same page, if the two of you is on a fight and is not together in the first place, then adversarial family pressure is just going to be ten times too much! I am not surprised if she feels this way.

30 minutes ago, CherishHer said:

So here’s the tricky part. The only person that could probably understand what we have is my mother. She and my father got together while my father was still with her sister and they’ve been together for 33 years now

And your girlfriend's mom is your father's ex (ie. your mom's sister), right?

 

Pooch

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1 hour ago, pooch said:

Hi CherishHer,

Welcome to the forum. Some questions:

Has she (or both of you) tried telling this matter to them (parents, family, etc..) already before? If so, I believe that although the result was an unfavorable one, has it been that bad? Please explain this point some more in more detail.

This sounds peculiar. Have you been stalking her? You see, if the two of you are okay, then the sentences before this quoted above may not matter much. But then if the two of you are not on the same page, if the two of you is on a fight and is not together in the first place, then adversarial family pressure is just going to be ten times too much! I am not surprised if she feels this way.

And your girlfriend's mom is your father's ex (ie. your mom's sister), right?

 

Pooch

No we’ve never tried telling anyone. I always tried convincing her to tell at least one person so we wouldn’t feel too much pressure but always refused. We run a business together so I have to see her everyday which only makes it harder. She is doing everything in order to move on while I’m still looking for a way to win her back. We both still love each very much. His ex is another sister of my Mom’s. What my girl doesn’t want is my mom and her mom end up hating each other like it happened with her other sister. Or my mom hating her because she’s always considered her like her daughter. She says that they don’t deserve it but do WE really deserve to live a lie the rest of our livesbecause of the fear of being judged by a social circle that doesn’t understand. Especially since here in California it’s completely legal for is to be together. 

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2 hours ago, CherishHer said:

No we’ve never tried telling anyone. I always tried convincing her to tell at least one person so we wouldn’t feel too much pressure but always refused. We run a business together so I have to see her everyday which only makes it harder. She is doing everything in order to move on while I’m still looking for a way to win her back. We both still love each very much. His ex is another sister of my Mom’s. What my girl doesn’t want is my mom and her mom end up hating each other like it happened with her other sister. Or my mom hating her because she’s always considered her like her daughter. She says that they don’t deserve it but do WE really deserve to live a lie the rest of our livesbecause of the fear of being judged by a social circle that doesn’t understand. Especially since here in California it’s completely legal for is to be together. 

Hi CherishHer, 

Thanks for the response. Both of you are American, born and raised, yes? I just want to know the family dynamics culturewise if it's alright. Or do you guys have some Asian descent?

I want to ask why she wants to move on. Did you guys break up? And if so, what is the reason? I believe that 

4 hours ago, CherishHer said:

I’ve tried everything I can to get her to come back to me but she says there’s no turning back. She says that no one will accept us no matter what explanation we give to them. She even threatened with leaving everything behind and starting out from the ground up somewhere where I won’t find her

is merely a 'general reason'. What I want to know though is what was the last straw...like what broke the camel's back? Coz I don't believe that she just woke up one day and went something like, "Dang CherishHer, I really want to have our revelation day right here right now and be married and have 5 beautiful kids with a picket fence and a vacation this summer" Know what I'm saying? Nope. It didn't happen like that. There is some frustrating thing that happened on your latest fight that triggered your breakup...especially with an 8 year relationship! Come on man...

If it was an 8-week relationship, then probably...but 8 years? Dude, 2 years is a long time already for "normal" couples and get into fights and breakups many times. You guys have been through a lot already together in 8 years... Add to that the fact that you guys see each other everyday! I mean, it's not like you guys are LDR.  Come on man...

2 hours ago, CherishHer said:

His ex is another sister of my Mom’s.

I see...

 

2 hours ago, CherishHer said:

What my girl doesn’t want is my mom and her mom end up hating each other like it happened with her other sister.

Here's what you can do then. If it is going to be possible, you have to bring yourself closer to her mom (your aunt). Do what you can: do favors, be available, even "open your wallet",  within reason, if necessary. The other sister issue (your father's ex) is a sunken ship. There's nothing you can do about it. It's between the parents man...it's between them... and as much as possible you cannot have the Messiah complex and solve everything -- so just do what you can. 

In the meantime, care for your mom and care for her mom. That's all that matters. Now with regards to her fear that both mothers will hate one another if they find out that you guys are dating each other or are romantically involved, it is you who is the guy that comes into play. When she see that you are good to her parents, she will appreciate it. In addition to doing it, you have to tell her  your intentions. For example, if you grant favors to her mom for whatever reason, make sure that you tell your girl about what happened and stuff like that. And I believe that you know this already, and this have happened already during your 8-year relationship, but sometimes, you just have to hug your girl and tell her that everything is okay. You know what I mean?

Do you guys have plans together? Like you mentioned that you run in a business together. Apologize to what happened and assure her of your plans. By the way, how old are both of you guys if you don't mind me asking? :)

 

Pooch

 

PS: Are there kids involved in any angle? I don't think you mentioned it in any of your post so I assumed that there aren't any. I also assumed that there's no third party whatsoever...just pressure within the family. 

PPS: SoCal or NorCal?

 

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honestly, i'm stumped on this one. i have a hard time believing that she doesn't have some other reason to break up that she's not telling you. after 8 years, the 'new' has worn off and it's looking like greener pastures elsewhere. maybe not, but that sounds more reasonable.

because after 8 years, if your relationship was that strong and the love was that solid, she'd be ready to tell everybody else to get over it or get lost. i'm not buying this 'i don't want to split the family apart and they'll never accept it'. BULL. everybody thinks that. the truth is, after running this site for nearly 20 years, there is rarely NO support in the family once the truth comes out... and most often there is a lot more support than the couple ever thought there would be. in two decades, i can't even count the number of couples whose families did not eventually accept it (once they determined that emotional blackmail would not work) on one hand. i'm being totally sincere here. i can only recall two, possibly three that became totally cut off from their family. at least one of those couples is still together (and still estranged from family) many years later, and have no regrets. i don't know about the other two. 

so if after 8 years she's breaking up because she's afraid of hurting the family, then that means one thing... YOU are not that important to her. YOUR feelings are irrelevant. she's not willing to stand up to her family and fight for you? then you deserve better.

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2 hours ago, pooch said:

Hi CherishHer, 

Thanks for the response. Both of you are American, born and raised, yes? I just want to know the family dynamics culturewise if it's alright. Or do you guys have some Asian descent?

I want to ask why she wants to move on. Did you guys break up? And if so, what is the reason? I believe that 

is merely a 'general reason'. What I want to know though is what was the last straw...like what broke the camel's back? Coz I don't believe that she just woke up one day and went something like, "Dang CherishHer, I really want to have our revelation day right here right now and be married and have 5 beautiful kids with a picket fence and a vacation this summer" Know what I'm saying? Nope. It didn't happen like that. There is some frustrating thing that happened on your latest fight that triggered your breakup...especially with an 8 year relationship! Come on man...

If it was an 8-week relationship, then probably...but 8 years? Dude, 2 years is a long time already for "normal" couples and get into fights and breakups many times. You guys have been through a lot already together in 8 years... Add to that the fact that you guys see each other everyday! I mean, it's not like you guys are LDR.  Come on man...

I see...

 

Here's what you can do then. If it is going to be possible, you have to bring yourself closer to her mom (your aunt). Do what you can: do favors, be available, even "open your wallet",  within reason, if necessary. The other sister issue (your father's ex) is a sunken ship. There's nothing you can do about it. It's between the parents man...it's between them... and as much as possible you cannot have the Messiah complex and solve everything -- so just do what you can. 

In the meantime, care for your mom and care for her mom. That's all that matters. Now with regards to her fear that both mothers will hate one another if they find out that you guys are dating each other or are romantically involved, it is you who is the guy that comes into play. When she see that you are good to her parents, she will appreciate it. In addition to doing it, you have to tell her  your intentions. For example, if you grant favors to her mom for whatever reason, make sure that you tell your girl about what happened and stuff like that. And I believe that you know this already, and this have happened already during your 8-year relationship, but sometimes, you just have to hug your girl and tell her that everything is okay. You know what I mean?

Do you guys have plans together? Like you mentioned that you run in a business together. Apologize to what happened and assure her of your plans. By the way, how old are both of you guys if you don't mind me asking? :)

 

Pooch

 

PS: Are there kids involved in any angle? I don't think you mentioned it in any of your post so I assumed that there aren't any. I also assumed that there's no third party whatsoever...just pressure within the family. 

PPS: SoCal or NorCal?

 

Our family is actually Mexican and we live in LA. I was born here but she was brought here when she was 14. Over the years rumors have been passed around about our relationship by family friends and word got to our mothers and we were confronted by them. The first time that happened she tried to end it but i convinced her that we would get through it together and we ended up denying everything. This happened a couple of times over the years. Last week on Tuesday a close family friend that also happens to be our employee asked her if the rumors were true. He did this unbeknownst to me. He said that it wasn’t his business if they true or not, but our family didn’t deserve to be broken again because of our stupidity. She was serious throughout the entire week but I only brushed it off as work stress. Saturday came and very early in the morning she picked me up because we were planning a surprise party for mother’s day. She drove for about a mile and that’s when she ended everything. She said that she couldn’t bear with so much guilt of having to always lie to our family and that there was no turning back. That she didn’t want to feel responsible for breaking apart our family because she loves them too much as well. She would rather keep everyone together than end up alone without them. She assumes that none of them will support us. I just don’t get why she had to do this if every time there was a problem like this we faced it together. 

We’ve always been close to each other’s mom. I guess that’s what fuels her guilt more. But while my mom has always been more open to unusual situations because of how her life turned out, my aunt always worries about what other people think or what they’ll say. And about the relationship with the other sister, well that’s also the problem. I assure you that there’s no fixing that because she’s always been determined to see us suffer by always spreading rumors and telling lies about everyone else. She’s one of the big factors in this situation. My mom and her will never be in good terms. 

We practically told each other I love you every single day of the past 8 years. We would always hold each other for support on rough times. We had arguments like normal couples do but always got through them just fine. It’s an unconditional love that kept us faithful to each other all these years. 

I’m 29 and she’s 32. When we started she was already so much more mature than me. She had already begun what is now our business while I was stuck working for my dad because i screwed up in school. I was a very shy guy, still am, but she brought me out of my shell and taught me so much about life. I’ve explained many times on these past days that it can’t end like this and that I’ll find a way to keep us together but she just won’t go back on her decision. She just tells me that everything is going to be fine. Family pressure and what people will think and say is what’s keeping us apart because the love is still there. 

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40 minutes ago, LadyC said:

honestly, i'm stumped on this one. i have a hard time believing that she doesn't have some other reason to break up that she's not telling you. after 8 years, the 'new' has worn off and it's looking like greener pastures elsewhere. maybe not, but that sounds more reasonable.

because after 8 years, if your relationship was that strong and the love was that solid, she'd be ready to tell everybody else to get over it or get lost. i'm not buying this 'i don't want to split the family apart and they'll never accept it'. BULL. everybody thinks that. the truth is, after running this site for nearly 20 years, there is rarely NO support in the family once the truth comes out... and most often there is a lot more support than the couple ever thought there would be. in two decades, i can't even count the number of couples whose families did not eventually accept it (once they determined that emotional blackmail would not work) on one hand. i'm being totally sincere here. i can only recall two, possibly three that became totally cut off from their family. at least one of those couples is still together (and still estranged from family) many years later, and have no regrets. i don't know about the other two. 

so if after 8 years she's breaking up because she's afraid of hurting the family, then that means one thing... YOU are not that important to her. YOUR feelings are irrelevant. she's not willing to stand up to her family and fight for you? then you deserve better.

That’s exactly what I think. How can this happen if everything was fine between us?  And I don’t doubt her love for one bit So there must be another reason. I keep thinking blackmail from someone but she won’t tell me. I tell her that there’s no way of really knowing who will support us unless we confess to everyone but she’s against it. I guess because someting like this already happened in the family that ended up tearing it apart and doing it again would probably end it for good. 

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Yes!

Thanks for the response.. I can understand a little bit better.

Here's my theory bro. Either there's a blackmail thing going on or that there's somebody that talked to her about you guys or if not about you guys, it's about her "love status". She's 32 and questions such as, "Is there anybody interested in you?", "Would you consider marrying Mr. X, Y, Z?", "You want to have kids, right? You might want your eggs frozen!" Or something along those lines. These questions are tough for the woman,.. :( My cousin is on this stage. She is in her early 30s are people around us are wondering why we are not yet married or why there are no people we are interested in (well. duh..coz we are the ones gonna together..lol) And as my mom says (since my mom and my cousin's dad are related), "Hey Pooch, why are you always close to your cousin? If you do that, nobody will be interested in her!" And blah blah blah.. Know what I'm saying?

These questions and proddings are normal... and it really can put pressure to her. Not just from family but also from friends and just people around her in general. She loves you and she wants to be proud of your relationship -- but she fears that it may not happen. And yes, she gave up on you.. She does not want to hurt you but she got no choice. She may feel that you do not have a backbone and thus she got no future with you. 

Now assuming that there is no third party (ie. there is no other guy circling around her), then you can still salvage this. The problem though is that if there's somebody that either she "semi-like" or "like equally like how she likes you" or "a person suggested by people around her and is 'quite decent'", then boy oh boy, you gotta step up your game man..Note though in this situation that you got the upperhand. You got 8 years on your belt dude, so I'm not too worried about you. And besides, you are Mexican, and I don't believe that you are shy or whatever, you can box for all I know: Barrerra, Morales, and Cesar-Chavez, Marquez, you know the deal...you can, if push comes to shove, uppercut anybody if somebody touches your girl.. lol.. (just kidding... well, semi-kidding... lol). 

My point though is that you will fight for her one way or another if that happens. But let's assume for now that there's no guy around her. Okay? I assume that you are catholic (or if not religious, have a Christian background), both of you fear God and that He will guide you and give you strength (okay, now I'm serious). Tell your girlfriend your plans for your relationship. At this point brother, you gotta be a man, and you gotta handle this situation well. Show her that she has a future with you.

For example, you said that you work for your dad coz you screwed up in school. Well, forget that for now. Do you have money? Do you save for the future of both of you? I mean, let's say things burst out today and boom everybody knows about the two of you, here's the question and answer me: Can you hold her hand and take all the "bullets" of rumors and bad-mouthing and the curses and the misinformation that people will throw at you? Will you be able to take her hand and run away from your situation and start a new life somewhere else? Will you be able to get your car, pack all your belongings, and go somewhere else where there's fresh air? Can she trust you with that?

If she can't, then that's on you bro.. That is (freaking) on you. Now that's clear: Question is, do you have a plan? If so, tell me (us) here. Then tell her.

 

 

Pooch

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Now let's explore a possibility that there's a guy circling around her, aight?

1) If so, why not be happy for her?
2) If so, won't all of you and her problems suddenly be solved? 

Well, you will definitely have a heartache and all that -- but it cannot be THAT bad... is it?

Have you pondered about these, brother?

What's your take?


 

Pooch

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8 minutes ago, pooch said:

Now let's explore a possibility that there's a guy circling around her, aight?

1) If so, why not be happy for her?
2) If so, won't all of you and her problems suddenly be solved? 

Well, you will definitely have a heartache and all that -- but it cannot be THAT bad... is it?

Have you pondered about these, brother?

What's your take?


 

Pooch

 

11 minutes ago, pooch said:

Yes!

Thanks for the response.. I can understand a little bit better.

Here's my theory bro. Either there's a blackmail thing going on or that there's somebody that talked to her about you guys or if not about you guys, it's about her "love status". She's 32 and questions such as, "Is there anybody interested in you?", "Would you consider marrying Mr. X, Y, Z?", "You want to have kids, right? You might want your eggs frozen!" Or something along those lines. These questions are tough for the woman,.. :( My cousin is on this stage. She is in her early 30s are people around us are wondering why we are not yet married or why there are no people we are interested in (well. duh..coz we are the ones gonna together..lol) And as my mom says (since my mom and my cousin's dad are related), "Hey Pooch, why are you always close to your cousin? If you do that, nobody will be interested in her!" And blah blah blah.. Know what I'm saying?

These questions and proddings are normal... and it really can put pressure to her. Not just from family but also from friends and just people around her in general. She loves you and she wants to be proud of your relationship -- but she fears that it may not happen. And yes, she gave up on you.. She does not want to hurt you but she got no choice. She may feel that you do not have a backbone and thus she got no future with you. 

Now assuming that there is no third party (ie. there is no other guy circling around her), then you can still salvage this. The problem though is that if there's somebody that either she "semi-like" or "like equally like how she likes you" or "a person suggested by people around her and is 'quite decent'", then boy oh boy, you gotta step up your game man..Note though in this situation that you got the upperhand. You got 8 years on your belt dude, so I'm not too worried about you. And besides, you are Mexican, and I don't believe that you are shy or whatever, you can box for all I know: Barrerra, Morales, and Cesar-Chavez, Marquez, you know the deal...you can, if push comes to shove, uppercut anybody if somebody touches your girl.. lol.. (just kidding... well, semi-kidding... lol). 

My point though is that you will fight for her one way or another if that happens. But let's assume for now that there's no guy around her. Okay? I assume that you are catholic (or if not religious, have a Christian background), both of you fear God and that He will guide you and give you strength (okay, now I'm serious). Tell your girlfriend your plans for your relationship. At this point brother, you gotta be a man, and you gotta handle this situation well. Show her that she has a future with you.

For example, you said that you work for your dad coz you screwed up in school. Well, forget that for now. Do you have money? Do you save for the future of both of you? I mean, let's say things burst out today and boom everybody knows about the two of you, here's the question and answer me: Can you hold her hand and take all the "bullets" of rumors and bad-mouthing and the curses and the misinformation that people will throw at you? Will you be able to take her hand and run away from your situation and start a new life somewhere else? Will you be able to get your car, pack all your belongings, and go somewhere else where there's fresh air? Can she trust you with that?

If she can't, then that's on you bro.. That is (freaking) on you. Now that's clear: Question is, do you have a plan? If so, tell me (us) here. Then tell her.

 

 

Pooch

I can assure you that there’s no other guy because we’ve been inseparable all this time and if she had to go out with her other siblings she would always detail everything to me. In that part i can say that she was the definition of faithful. She does want a family some day as do I but she’s sure that we’re just lying to ourselves and that it can never happen because it’s not accepted. Pressure to be with someone is something that’s always around in this culture where they have kids at 17. We are actually the ones leading the change in the family by first achieving something before thinking of kids or marriage. We both want to buy a house before thinking of those things. Our family is catholic but we happen to be not that religious. 

I worked with my dad when i was 21. Right now we are both owners of a contracting company and money is not really a problem. Things have never been better for our business this year. She says that we can still achieve our goals together but as cousins. It hurts not being able to hold her or kiss her. She has put up a good fight against amorous contact as opposed to me. 

Without a doubt that I would take all the shots for both us but she’s afraid of being labeled as a whore or pig. I don’t know why in all the bad mouthing I’ve been seen as a victim when I was actually the one who made the move in the first place. 

My plan and sadly last chance to get her back is for me to break it to my mom. As I said, she experienced a similar situation and every time I ask her why she never has any contact with her cousins she says that loves them but would rather keep her distance to avoid their judgment. My advantage is that my parents have never told us how it all went down even though the pieces to the puzzle have been put together. By asking her to tell me their story would only make her open her heart and understand us. If it all goes well my next step is to make up on excuse to take my mom to run an errand somewhere far so she can tell her that she knows about us and that we don’t have to hide it from her anymore. 

 

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30 minutes ago, CherishHer said:


I can assure you that there’s no other guy because we’ve been inseparable all this time and if she had to go out with her other siblings she would always detail everything to me. In that part i can say that she was the definition of faithful.

 

Perfect. :) Man, you got a keeper man.. Try to win her back if you can.... :) These are the ladies worth fighting for. :)

 

Quote

She does want a family some day as do I but she’s sure that we’re just lying to ourselves and that it can never happen because it’s not accepted. Pressure to be with someone is something that’s always around in this culture where they have kids at 17. We are actually the ones leading the change in the family by first achieving something before thinking of kids or marriage. We both want to buy a house before thinking of those things. Our family is catholic but we happen to be not that religious. 

As I read this paragraph, I am continually impressed. I like your views man. And I believe that she shares the same views like you... I mean, you guys have been together in this for 8 years after all! :)

I wanna ask though whether she wants a family of her own. Not to you necessarily -- but just for her self. It is a selfish idea but I want to gauge whether she is thinking about it -- that is, if having a family is more important to her than her boyfriend (ie. you), if you know what I mean? You see, I do hope that you guys can work this out. I am actually "cheering" for you guys here if you still haven't noticed. I do hope that whatever she's feeling be eased out and not to be stressed because of other factors. 

Coz I will be honest bro. If she wants kids and a family and things like that, just like the norm in your culture, then it can be a problem. If, however, she is indifferent, then it is good. If she detest it, then better. lol. So the real question at this point then is: is she satisfied with you? And apparently, given the situation you are facing now with, she is not. So ask yourself, why is she not happy with you? We have eliminated the fact that she got other guys, we have eliminated the fact that she does not have any future with you (for you say that she has). So either you are not communicating this matter to her and she does not believe you or that there is that pressure in the family thing...with the blackmail or the internal conversation between her and her mom or something along those lines...

Let me continue:

Quote

 

I worked with my dad when i was 21. Right now we are both owners of a contracting company and money is not really a problem. Things have never been better for our business this year. She says that we can still achieve our goals together but as cousins. It hurts not being able to hold her or kiss her. She has put up a good fight against amorous contact as opposed to me. 

 

It is good that money is not a problem. Perfect. You get respect from the family (people around you) and at the same time, they won't look down upon you. I know the feeling bro. Trust me.

At any rate, what I am puzzled about is her comment that "we can still achieve our goals together but as cousins". This is like, "What the heck!?" You know what though, and I will be semi-serious on my following comment, okay, if you just kiss her hard and just take her (I mean in a right way or whatever but you know what I mean, right? lol) it may have changed, right? :D Okay, now on to a serious comment: have you asked her, "So you don't love me anymore, is that what you are saying?" Coz dude, you said,

3 hours ago, CherishHer said:

We practically told each other I love you every single day of the past 8 years. We would always hold each other for support on rough times. We had arguments like normal couples do but always got through them just fine. It’s an unconditional love that kept us faithful to each other all these years. 

And there's a tooootal disconnect to me bro. Total disconnect. That's why I thought that she has another guy! I am confused as heck now.

 

Quote

Without a doubt that I would take all the shots for both us but she’s afraid of being labeled as a whore or pig. I don’t know why in all the bad mouthing I’ve been seen as a victim when I was actually the one who made the move in the first place. 

I see.. It seems to me that she cares for what other people think of her...especially coming from family. It is normal. My girl does not have that and I am thankful that it's the case on my end. You know what though, you gotta shield her from those comments if ever you fix this problem between the two of you and your situation with your family goes forward. Know what I mean? She seems a little more sensitive (onion-skinned) and so when those hurtful comments are thrown, make sure that she's shielded from that. I bet she cried a lot when dealing with those stuff, eh? :(

Quote

 

My plan and sadly last chance to get her back is for me to break it to my mom. As I said, she experienced a similar situation and every time I ask her why she never has any contact with her cousins she says that loves them but would rather keep her distance to avoid their judgment. My advantage is that my parents have never told us how it all went down even though the pieces to the puzzle have been put together. By asking her to tell me their story would only make her open her heart and understand us. If it all goes well my next step is to make up on excuse to take my mom to run an errand somewhere far so she can tell her that she knows about us and that we don’t have to hide it from her anymore. 

 

Got it. 

But take it step-by-step though. You know? Remember that you haven't lost her yet... It may be a cool off period or whatever but you guys are still fine. I'm cheering for ya bro! :)

 

Pooch

 

PS: Semi-serious nevermind. You said that She has put up a good fight against amorous contact as opposed to you. Oh well... You may want to try a different angle then. Perhaps give her a thoughtful gift? You gotta make your girl smile bro...like how you make her smile before. Oh, and don't believe her that "she is acting like that coz you are cousins". No, if your intention is clear as noontime that what you want is a romantic relationship, she would know that... you may even try a "risky move" by giving a pass to another girl (perhaps a female friend who you have no attraction to at all) to make her feel jealous (just be a guy...you know what I mean, right?)

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2 hours ago, pooch said:

Perfect. :) Man, you got a keeper man.. Try to win her back if you can.... :) These are the ladies worth fighting for. :)

 

As I read this paragraph, I am continually impressed. I like your views man. And I believe that she shares the same views like you... I mean, you guys have been together in this for 8 years after all! :)

I wanna ask though whether she wants a family of her own. Not to you necessarily -- but just for her self. It is a selfish idea but I want to gauge whether she is thinking about it -- that is, if having a family is more important to her than her boyfriend (ie. you), if you know what I mean? You see, I do hope that you guys can work this out. I am actually "cheering" for you guys here if you still haven't noticed. I do hope that whatever she's feeling be eased out and not to be stressed because of other factors. 

Coz I will be honest bro. If she wants kids and a family and things like that, just like the norm in your culture, then it can be a problem. If, however, she is indifferent, then it is good. If she detest it, then better. lol. So the real question at this point then is: is she satisfied with you? And apparently, given the situation you are facing now with, she is not. So ask yourself, why is she not happy with you? We have eliminated the fact that she got other guys, we have eliminated the fact that she does not have any future with you (for you say that she has). So either you are not communicating this matter to her and she does not believe you or that there is that pressure in the family thing...with the blackmail or the internal conversation between her and her mom or something along those lines...

Let me continue:

It is good that money is not a problem. Perfect. You get respect from the family (people around you) and at the same time, they won't look down upon you. I know the feeling bro. Trust me.

At any rate, what I am puzzled about is her comment that "we can still achieve our goals together but as cousins". This is like, "What the heck!?" You know what though, and I will be semi-serious on my following comment, okay, if you just kiss her hard and just take her (I mean in a right way or whatever but you know what I mean, right? lol) it may have changed, right? :D Okay, now on to a serious comment: have you asked her, "So you don't love me anymore, is that what you are saying?" Coz dude, you said,

And there's a tooootal disconnect to me bro. Total disconnect. That's why I thought that she has another guy! I am confused as heck now.

 

I see.. It seems to me that she cares for what other people think of her...especially coming from family. It is normal. My girl does not have that and I am thankful that it's the case on my end. You know what though, you gotta shield her from those comments if ever you fix this problem between the two of you and your situation with your family goes forward. Know what I mean? She seems a little more sensitive (onion-skinned) and so when those hurtful comments are thrown, make sure that she's shielded from that. I bet she cried a lot when dealing with those stuff, eh? :(

Got it. 

But take it step-by-step though. You know? Remember that you haven't lost her yet... It may be a cool off period or whatever but you guys are still fine. I'm cheering for ya bro! :)

 

Pooch

Yes she is worth fighting for and Our views in life is what brought us together in the first place.

She does want a normal family but only because she’s convinced that we can never have that together without hurting others. I’ve tried to convince her that we can have a future but she is so stubborn.

She says that we can still go out but with absolutely no touching. She still wants my company but that’s not same as holding each other like we used to. It kills me that she says it like it doesn’t hurt her at all. When I tell her that I love her she only says I know and doesn’t say it back anymore. 

She does have a sensitive character and i believe that’s why she took this decision. It’s like they knew who to go after. Thats is also why I will take everything for both of us. 

I think if I let more time go by she will get to the point where even with support from my mom she’ll still stand by her decision. I mean it does feel a little one sided because it will be my mom not hers. I’m afraid that my mom will side with her and crush all my hopes. Or worse my mom freaks out and goes after her and she keeps her word and disappears for insisting on saving this. 

The jealousy card won’t work because trust in each other kept jealousy away. She’ll  just say that there’s nothing that she can do about it. She’s well aware of what my intentions are. 

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2 hours ago, CherishHer said:

She says that we can still go out but with absolutely no touching. She still wants my company but that’s not same as holding each other like we used to. It kills me that she says it like it doesn’t hurt her at all. When I tell her that I love her she only says I know and doesn’t say it back anymore. 

And for how long has this been going on? You said that "she just ended it"... Do you mean yesterday? Or a week ago? Or a month ago?

And during your 8 years span, has this happened only to you once? Or has it happened already before?

 

Pooch

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30 minutes ago, pooch said:

And for how long has this been going on? You said that "she just ended it"... Do you mean yesterday? Or a week ago? Or a month ago?

And during your 8 years span, has this happened only to you once? Or has it happened already before?

 

Pooch

Just last week and this is the first time that this happens. 

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10 hours ago, CherishHer said:

Just last week and this is the first time that this happens. 

I see...

What you should do is back of a little bit. Give it a month. I know that it is hard especially that you guys see each other everyday but you gotta give her space. If you go push-push-push, she might hate you...  so yeah back off a bit and in the meantime make her jealous (it kinda works!) Then try to again with her after a month..

 

June 18, 2018. Lets see what happens... i mean, its not like she's gonna give her pink slip already, right? Or give her two weeks notice or something? 😅

 

Pooch

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