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Ken

Married... but in love with my cousin

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I only grew up with 3 cousins, from the same uncle. Oldest was male, 3yrs younger than me. And 2 girls, 5 and 7yrs younger.

And I have 2 older brothers, and one younger brother.

So, the older of the girls, L, was like my shadow. Every time they were around she was right there. No matter what us boys were doing, she was like a little puppy just following as close to me as possible. I was always flattered by her, because I am very introverted, and she was so accepting of me. They were exposed to so much alcoholism, abuse, neglect, abandonment from her parents/step-parents. And she always felt loved by us (me).

So, I get married at 19, and things that happened in her life, we lose contact. 20yrs go by. She never lived more than an hour drive from where we lived, but I didn't know.

She reaches out on FaceBook 7yrs ago... to ask for a family reunion, of sorts, with her Dad's side of the family. Her Dad just left right before they reached their teen years, and NEVER tried to contact them again.

Anyway... I had butterflies in my stomach. We were both married with kids. But the exact second I walked in, and our eyes met...I felt a fire ignite inside me. We walked straight to each other and hugged. I could have never described the feeling I had right then.

But I figured out pretty quick, that I fell in love with her. She is my soulmate. We have had multiple discussions about how we know we are true soulmates. And I finally said the words to her... "L, I am in love with you". And she said "I know, I feel the same."

So much more to the story.....

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Isn't she freaking adorable? And your soulmates too! Mr. Ken, I know it's hard to believe, but I have heard this story before.

Alright, sorry for being so crass. There just aren't any easy answers. The bottom line is serious. You have both made commitments to others and you both should keep them. There is no such thing as a soul mate. You can't use that as an excuse to cheat in your wife. Kate Winslet is my soul mate, but I'm not chasing her around. If things were different, you would have different options. But if frogs had wings, they wouldn't bump their arse every time they hopped. Right?

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Oh no... everything I have believed all my life is wrong, because someone online says it doesn't exist. What ever shall I do???

Man, if only I would have found you years ago, I could have had all the answers to life.

So... does Genetic Sexual Attraction really exist? Or is that a myth too?

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Fight crass with crass! Lol. Stay long enough and you will get the response that you are looking for. The truth is that we don't have all of the answers. However, I know the answer isn't to cheat on your wife like vermin.

GSA seems to be a real thing to me. I have never admitted it before but I do have another cousin that is hot as a firecracker. I purposefully try to avoid her because I do not want my life any more complicated than it already is.

It appears that you have already crossed the line with your cousin. Taking one more step could spell absolute disaster for both of your marriages. Are you trying to ruin or sabotage your marriage? If so, you are on the right track. If you are a gentleman, you will turn around while you still can. Mr. Ken, what can I say?

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How else does one respond to a crasshole?!? HaHa!!!

I guess my point is to just share how this GSA can exist, and isn't just an easy thing to ignore. I didn't know why these feelings were just so verwhelming from the very day we re-connected. It was completely mutual. But I'm not just meaning some strictly raw sexual thing; I'm meaning an attraction on a personal level of feelings, interests, beliefs, character, personality.

I've just recently found the resources on GSA, and am just putting some things together, as far as how our timeline lends to this attraction we have for each other.

And as far as using the "soul mate" claim... I guess I could say her & I have a "mutual set of feelings, connection, compatibility that lends itself to having coutless times where we have sensed when the other is having a hard time; we naturally bring together the things the other needs in each other's life. We just have a very unique bond that is unlike any I have ever felt with anyone else."

It did bring about some hard times in my marriage. It almost ended it. I'm not going into the entire story of how/where things went right/wrong.

I'll just say I am somewhere between vermin and a gentleman... to use your two word choices. And I am not here to "just get the answer I want to hear". Not really here looking for anyone else's "answers" for my life. But thanks for reading and giving your responses.

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ken, i wonder if you'd be willing to read this thread: 

 all the way through to the very last post. 

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@LadyC

I had just finished reading it thru earlier.

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had she posted at that time how (only one month later) she says the fog has lifted and that she's glad she walked away from relationship the cousin she was so deeply in love with? 

that's my best advice to anyone who is in love with someone other than the one they vowed to forsake all others for. marriages can be salvaged. children can be spared the emotional baggage that is thrust on them by one parent cheating on the other. you may not realize what a fog you're in because you think it's true love with your soulmate. but it IS a fog. it's a fog that makes you think that you are justified in destroying your wife, your children... and your cousin's children. it's a fog that makes you think that your cousin's husband is not worthy. 

it's a fog of selfishness.

i hope you'll reconsider.

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On 5/19/2018 at 9:33 AM, Ken said:

We were both married with kids. B

You know what to do my friend... you know what to do. Come on.

So now that we have established that, i guess we can focus on the purpose of the thread. You said,

11 hours ago, Ken said:

I guess my point is to just share how this GSA can exist, and isn't 

But you guys did not grew up together, right? 20 years have gone by and that's a very long time. No sir, I dont buy what you are saying...

 

Pooch

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Ken, the best advice I have ever gotten was from a marriage counselor. He would tell me what's what, and I would, in turn, get red faced and tell him to go do something anatomically impossible. Our sessions were very short. Man was I a hothead back then!

He gave me some great advice which took me years to realize how correct he was.

Often the best advice is the advice you do not want to hear.

Your problem isn't unique at all. Take the fact that she is your cousin out of the equation and see how simple it all becomes.

On 5/20/2018 at 12:18 PM, Ken said:

But I'm not just meaning some strictly raw sexual thing; I'm meaning an attraction on a personal level of feelings, interests, beliefs, character, personality. 

The quote I'm including is so correct.  Cousins do have this built-in compatibility, and just perhaps the small amount of genes we share can awaken the gods of romance and incense.

I hope you can get everything back on track and salvage your marriage. You can't put the genie back in the bottle. You will have to distance yourself from her and reexamine your boundaries.

You truly have my best wishes. I'm glad you posted your story.

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Ok, thanks for all the advice/responses. I do not disagree with all of it.

I did not plan on going into the whole debate about my situation. We reconnected 7yrs ago. Had a few years of fighting about the situation, and have had very little contact with her for the last few years.

I have not seen her alone for the last 2 1/2yrs. We have seen her together about 6 times in the last 1 1/2 yrs. Just a lunch every few months to talk about family stuff.

I do not send her anything that the wife does not see. I do not talk to her on the phone.

I know this does not meet the entire boundary list that has been spelled out here, but this is where we are at, and everyone has to work out things the way they can. We all have our faults, and we are working on it.

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11 hours ago, pooch said:

But you guys did not grew up together, right? 20 years have gone by and that's a very long time. No sir, I dont buy what you are saying...

 

Pooch

Did you read ANY of my original post?!? I started to highlight a couple things here, then re-read it myself...

...not worth my time.

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7 hours ago, Ken said:

Ok, thanks for all the advice/responses. I do not disagree with all of it.

I did not plan on going into the whole debate about my situation. We reconnected 7yrs ago. Had a few years of fighting about the situation, and have had very little contact with her for the last few years.

I have not seen her alone for the last 2 1/2yrs. We have seen her together about 6 times in the last 1 1/2 yrs. Just a lunch every few months to talk about family stuff.

I do not send her anything that the wife does not see. I do not talk to her on the phone.

I know this does not meet the entire boundary list that has been spelled out here, but this is where we are at, and everyone has to work out things the way they can. We all have our faults, and we are working on it.

i have to say i admire you for how you're handling things, at least as you've spelled it out here. i almost for a moment forgot that you are deeply in love with each other and think of each other as soulmates. 

i'm very glad that you respect your wife enough to show her any communication that you share with your cousin. but it's not fair to her, or even to you (or your cousin) to be emotionally absent from your marriage. it's like you've got one foot in your marriage and one foot in a whole fantasy life. sooner or later you're going to have to put both feet in the same world. and the longer you wait, the more unfair it is to everybody involved. and i'll be honest, my sympathies are always going to lie with the family who is being cheated on. 

maybe it's time you sit down with your wife and tell her how you feel about your cousin. 

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ken, having read your taste in music, it helps explain why you have tried to be respectful of your wife in keeping your communications with your cousin open to your wife. but it also makes me have to add to all this....

i'm going to assume that if you're such a fan of CCM that you regularly go see concerts, that you must have at least some desire to follow God's heart and not your own. that you must have a desire to let Jesus actually be the Lord of your life. so i'm going to ask, and i hope you'll give some thought before you answer. What does He want you to do with your whole situation? 

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Thanks @LadyC

It has helped to hear your advice, and to read Peaches story.

I do need to make significant progress in my spiritual life, we both do as a couple as well.

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9 minutes ago, Ken said:

I do need to make significant progress in my spiritual life, we both do as a couple as well.

when you say you both as a couple, are you referring to you and your wife? or you and your cousin? i really hope you'll give this some thought. your response isn't clear to me, but it's really not me that counts. you need to consider whether staying married to your wife, or leaving her to establish a (marriage?) with your cousin is what honors your heavenly Father. i'm going to be praying that you will allow Him to lead you, and that you'll be open to the gentle nudges of the Holy Spirit. 

and as for needing to make significant progress in your spiritual life.... you're not alone. i don't think there are too many people who wouldn't admit the same, including me!

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The wife & I.

I tried to edit my original post to reflect some things, and ended up clicking cancel. Now it won't let me edit the first post.

Basically wanted to clarify that those words were where I was 7 years ago, where it started. Things are certainly far different these last few years.

Not that it changes much, but anyway...

Edited by Ken

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