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melancholic

Thought of sex turns me off

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I have been with my cousin for 20 years. We lost our virginity to each other in our teens and now we're both in our late 30's now. She was never comfortable about sex. She gets embarrassed talking about it and never really shows excitement about the prospect but we managed. About 10 years ago she was diagnosed with a heart condition in which one of the valves is smaller than it's supposed to be. She has to take blood thinners to ease the flow and lower the chance of damaging her heart. She occasionally would get episodes of intense chest pains which renders her helpless. I'm always worried that this may happen one day while she's driving but we've been fortunate it hasn't. I maybe going off topic but this condition has prevent us from having sex a few times. 

To be honest, it has been years since we had sex. The main reason for this is because we don't have a place together and the reason behind that is because we haven't fully come out to the family. During this time I have been unfaithful to her with several women. Every time that she has caught me she has forgiven. I can see that it breaks her heart but it also breaks my heart hurting her like that. She's the last person I want to hurt. She has all the good qualities you want in a wife and that you would want to pass to your children. She's humble, generous, thoughtful, selfless. These are the reasons why I love her til this day even though we both have sacrificed so much to be together by missing out on so much of life.

But something weird happened to me after I cheated on her the first time. I began to look at her more like my sister and the thought of sex with her now has this yuck feeling. It wasn't like this before I cheated. I don't know why. I still love her with all my heart and I would give up everything I have including my life to save her. But what has happened to my head? She's still every attractive to me. I have no problem kissing her and cuddling together but the thought of being nasty in bed with her seems so wrong. Should we go seek the help of a marriage sex counselor?

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I just want someone to pinch me.

It sounds like  you have been playing for the wrong team the last 20 years. I can't say you should go for it, but you should definitely quit stringing your cousin along.

Counseling? It is too little too late.

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maybe it's your view of sex. you have no problem cuddling and kissing her... both are very intimate activities. maybe you should try following through with that intimacy and make love to her.  save getting nasty with your string of lovers.

ok, that really isn't what i want you to do. ideally you should quit having lovers. but here's the deal. i believe that you have compartmentalized "sex" and "intimacy" and don't know how to bridge that divide.

and yeah, i think you're going to need some counseling to get past that. but here's a couple of obstacles you're going to have to overcome during counseling (or on your own without counseling...) and it's not going to be easy. you're going to have to give up porn and give up other women. and yes, giving up porn is critical, and maybe i'm making assumptions, but i'm willing to bet that you view it regularly. the problem with porn is that it destroys your ability to connect the dots between sex and intimacy. and it's going to take you years of NOT viewing porn to be able to truly connect physically with the woman you love again.

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Your cousin doesn't deserve to be treated the way you are to her. You have been "with" her for 20yrs... but not living together? And you have cheated with SEVERAL women?

You have a very horrible way of showing her that you don't want to hurt her. You would "give up your life for her"??? But you won't give up other lovers?????

W.T.F?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Edited by Ken

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it's an addiction ken... and sexual addictions can be as crippling as heroin. you're right though. NO woman deserves to be cheated on, and there really isn't any way of justifying infidelity. it takes a lot of commitment to become a faithful husband worthy of the woman he's married to. 

i'm not trying to discriminate. it takes a lot of commitment for an unfaithful wife to become worthy of her husband also. 

there is no difference between his kind of infidelity and anyone else's. a cheater is a cheater. they just have different things in their lives they have to learn (or become willing) to change. melancholic recognizes he needs to make some changes. he just doesn't know how to start.

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20 hours ago, KC said:

I just want someone to pinch me.

It sounds like  you have been playing for the wrong team the last 20 years. I can't say you should go for it, but you should definitely quit stringing your cousin along.

Counseling? It is too little too late.

I agree!

Are you guys even married in the first place? Coz you didn't mention.

Also, I think this is half-true:

On ‎5‎/‎27‎/‎2018 at 2:08 AM, melancholic said:

But what has happened to my head? She's still every attractive to me. I have no problem...

No she's not. lol...🤥 Either you are lying to yourself or you want to believe this coz you love her and so you associate the attraction to love. However, you are not attracted to her. I mean, late 30s? Health problems? Family struggles? Not even having your own place? Dang bro... You love her (20 years is a long time bro!) but unfortunately not attracted to her anymore -- both are different things.

The romantic part though of course I understand. For you, she is your wife (assuming that you guys are married), and that's fine. Your love to her has matured already -- but the "hrrrrnnnngggg" is gone my friend. 

And guess what? Surprisingly, it is understandable. :) It happens. :)  You don't have to rationalize to yourself and say "She's still very attractive to me" as if she's the 18 year old Britney Spears on Hit me baby one more time MTV in the 90s. LOL. (kidding. okay, semi-kidding. you know what I mean. lol) Of course not...of course not.. :P And that's why you have been unfaithful to her, eh? Yeah..Yeah bro, I got ya.. i understand.

Now on to the real issues:

On ‎5‎/‎27‎/‎2018 at 2:08 AM, melancholic said:

To be honest, it has been years since we had sex. The main reason for this is because we don't have a place together and the reason behind that is because we haven't fully come out to the family.

When you say years, you are saying 2 years? 3 years? 5 years?

And why did not you fully come out yet? I believe that there are legit reasons of course, but what I'm really asking though is that do you really want to come out fully in the first place though? Coz perhaps you don't...Am I on the right track here, bro?

Again, I would understand. Yes, she is wife material... yes she is a good woman... and yes she is probably even be like Marie Curie... But bro, I understand the reluctance of coming out to the family...coz there are tons of problems and even consequences that you still need to sort out...

 

Pooch

Edited by pooch
added some points to avoid confusion

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i always find it ironic when someone says they still feel one way and someone else who knows nothing more than 2 paragraphs about the other comes along and says "no you don't". 

melancholic, i'm assuming you are able, at this age, to know whether or not you find someone attractive. and i'm also assuming that your conflicting feelings of feeling intimate but not wanting to have sex with her is real and that you came here with the hopes that someone would be able to make sense of that dichotomy and offer you some insight.

i hope you were able to find some. whether it turns out to be useful or not depends on what you do with it. it's going to be a long road, whichever way you go. 

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I'm a jerk, an asshole, a bastard. I'm...broken. I wasn't like this before. How did this happen to me? How did this happen to us? It's hard to capture 20 years in a few words. The two of us have been sitting on this bench staring at the crossroads for so long without the without the courage and determination to chose the next path to take. I feel I'm roaming aimlessly through life...somewhere between heaven and earth, unable to go back or forward to the next chapter of life.

We are not married. We thought about getting a place of our own but I know that would mean we would have to come out and the consequences of coming out has always put the breaks on everything. About seven years ago, I did have the courage to come out but she wanted to wait until our parents are retired. A lot has happened since then. She lost her mom to cancer and is currently caring for our youngest aunt who may also pass away soon to cancer. Her life has been on hold these last 4 years caring for her mom and now our aunt. Now she says she is willing to come out but now I'm not that brave anymore. I'm so torn as to what to do.

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12 minutes ago, melancholic said:

I'm a jerk, an asshole, a bastard. I'm...broken. I wasn't like this before. How did this happen to me? How did this happen to us? It's hard to capture 20 years in a few words. The two of us have been sitting on this bench staring at the crossroads for so long without the without the courage and determination to chose the next path to take. I feel I'm roaming aimlessly through life...somewhere between heaven and earth, unable to go back or forward to the next chapter of life.

We are not married. We thought about getting a place of our own but I know that would mean we would have to come out and the consequences of coming out has always put the breaks on everything. About seven years ago, I did have the courage to come out but she wanted to wait until our parents are retired. A lot has happened since then. She lost her mom to cancer and is currently caring for our youngest aunt who may also pass away soon to cancer. Her life has been on hold these last 4 years caring for her mom and now our aunt. Now she says she is willing to come out but now I'm not that brave anymore. I'm so torn as to what to do.

Lots to unpack, my friend.

I kinda have the hunch that you guys aren't married yet.. I am correct. Thanks for the confirmation.

You mentioned that the consequence of coming out has always put the breaks on everything -- that's true. And you have to pick your battles man. I have seen many cases wherein the cousin couples came out prematurely with very disastrous results. Very few are success stories in this kind of relationship, you know? And so personally, with me and my cousin, I am very careful. We cannot ruin this...

You mentioned that about 7 years ago, it was different... but things change as time passed by and now life has been worse. Here's my take though:

If you have came out 7 years ago, you would still go through this situation. Correct? What I mean is, her mom will still pass away and her aunt will be exactly the same way had you guys been married or whatnot before. The wheel of life will always roll whether you like it or not so the time difference does not matter much.

What matters, I believe, and this is my opinion, is your inner feeling toward you cousin. For it seems like you now see her just as a "sister" or perhaps a best friend. Now I want you to answer this though: How does she see you though?

And I want you to be honest. Okay? Does she see you as a romantic partner? Or merely as a friend? Or what? Like, what is supposed to be your direction? As a guy, we are the ones who will take care of the relationship, we steer the course and we take action, right? And so, in your estimation and feeling, how does she see you?

If she sees you as anybody other than as a romantic partner, then you guys are definitely not ready -- even though she says "Let's come out!" now. She still has a lot of things to sort out in her personal family and until she is ready (in your judgment), then you guys cannot move forward. As to the bravery issue, I don't believe that you are not brave anymore. You love this lady and you will take a bullet for her, correct? It's just that you are in your lowest right now but make sure that you don't lose her. She needs you right now and you cannot leave her. She may be willing to come out but that's the least of her worries and she must understand that. 

What you are worried about is "the next chapter of life". Bro, forget about that for the moment. You don't even know if on the next hour you might get hit by a bus or something. Can you worry about the present?

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I guess I'm faced with two problems right now. One new and one that has been there since we first started. One, is the level of intimacy with her. The other is finally coming out to the family. 

I may have a problem with porn. Maybe it's because we're never able to sleep together until we sneak out and go on vacation. I never think about it when we're together. I'm not sure why it has changed me now. I did it even when we first met. It was only after I acted on those desires and cheated on her the first time did something changed in me. Sleeping with a stranger has made me look at her like.......my cousin. I don't know. I'm so lost and confused. Maybe my feelings will come back maybe their lost forever.

Right now as I stare at the crossroads, I see a hundred reasons why we should go our separate ways but only one reason for me to stay....my love for her. She views me as her husband, her first and greatest love in this life. It just breaks my heart every time I see her cry and that has made every thought of leaving unbearable. I want to care for her. I want to provide for her. But now I feel like I'm her big brother. 

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then please, please get counseling.  and you might look into some 12 step support groups that deal with sexual addictions. porn alters the way your brain connects things, and it's difficult to overcome. you need all the support you can get. 

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3 hours ago, melancholic said:

I guess I'm faced with two problems right now. One new and one that has been there since we first started. One, is the level of intimacy with her. The other is finally coming out to the family. 

I may have a problem with porn. Maybe it's because we're never able to sleep together until we sneak out and go on vacation. I never think about it when we're together. I'm not sure why it has changed me now. I did it even when we first met. It was only after I acted on those desires and cheated on her the first time did something changed in me. Sleeping with a stranger has made me look at her like.......my cousin. I don't know. I'm so lost and confused. Maybe my feelings will come back maybe their lost forever.

Right now as I stare at the crossroads, I see a hundred reasons why we should go our separate ways but only one reason for me to stay....my love for her. She views me as her husband, her first and greatest love in this life. It just breaks my heart every time I see her cry and that has made every thought of leaving unbearable. I want to care for her. I want to provide for her. But now I feel like I'm her big brother. 

I see...

Porn will kill you man.. It really will. It will kill you morally, your intimacy with her and many other things.. You don't need a host of lecture about the bad consequences of that disgusting thing. But what preventive measures have you been doing so far though? You gotta save your relationship with your cousin man. If not for your cousin, for yourself

3 hours ago, melancholic said:

It was only after I acted on those desires and cheated on her the first time did something changed in me. Sleeping with a stranger has made me look at her like.......my cousin. I don't know. I'm so lost and confused. Maybe my feelings will come back maybe their lost forever.

Ouch. This is a painful post, bro. :(:( 

I suggest you sort this out quickly man...before it's too late. Agreeing to her willingness at this point to be married is not the solution. Have you really asked her for forgiveness though? Like are you really sorry for what you did? I know that she may have forgiven you -- but it may be the case that she forgave you but you were not 100% sorry. Maybe you are just sorry 80%...

You have answered my question and you said that she views you as her husband.

3 hours ago, melancholic said:

She views me as her husband, her first and greatest love in this life

If that's the case, then you have to be honest with her -- just as a husband is honest to his wife. Tell her your struggles as well..of your situation at present. The intimacy part, the hotness of sex and whatever may wait. I believe that you love this woman and so you would do anything for her to be happy. Suspend first your reaction of you being a possible disappointment for her. Rather, focus on what you can do for her and for her family. You must support her even though you think that you are not the right person for her. If right now, you see her as your cousin -- well, isn't it the case that she really is your cousin!? If so, what's the problem!? lol.

Yeah, yeah I know that you are referring to seeing her as cousin romantically. But I do believe that your feeling will come back. It is not lost forever my friend, you know? :)

 

Pooch

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21 hours ago, pooch said:

If that's the case, then you have to be honest with her -- just as a husband is honest to his wife. Tell her your struggles as well..of your situation at present. The intimacy part, the hotness of sex and whatever may wait.

wow. i don't usually find myself quoting pooch in agreement, but i have to say this is good advice. part of the problem with porn addiction, like with any addiction, is that its power diminishes when its exposed. but it's also easy to shove it back into the dark corners of the closet even after exposing it. so it's really important to keep it on the table, so to speak.

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Ouch, that is even painful to read. Now I can begin to see the real problems.

The porn is your demon to fight; we all have them. Never trust a man who claims to be above humanity. I suggest that you set up your WiFi router to use opendns. You can set it up to block the porn websites. If that doesn't work, take your computer to the landfill or a Goodwill store

You must quit living the way you are. First, you have to figure out what you want in life. Who do you want to spend the rest of your life with? If you want to stay with your cousin, you have to break the news to your family and let the cards fall where they may. If you can't do that then you should leave her. After 20 years you owe her that much.

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