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Rizoker

I am more confused now than ever in this relationship...

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So for the past six years now my cousin and I have been really close. We never grew up together and I avoided her because even in our teens I was attracted to her... Which made me terrified of her.

We're in our late twenties now and I told her a few years ago I was in love with her. She was fine with it mostly and nothing with us changed but she held it against me sometimes when we'd get into fights about things. 

Weve always been really physical but in a sweet way hand holding cuddling, I love you so much kind of way, except through the entirety of our relationship we've only ever really been affectionate after drinking and we've actually almost never even really hung out sober. I see her almost every week and we talk every day.

I don't know how she really feels about me. She says things like "we're cousins you can't like me like this" and "I love you like a brother" and then she says other things like "If we weren't related we would probably have sex..."

She's kissed me a few times in the past and I've never made a move on her and always just brushed it off. I thought we had some pretty clear boundaries until a week ago when we were hanging out and she ended up getting kind of kinky with me... like S&M stuff...

Im really confused now if our boundaries have changed and I don't know if I should ask her. I don't even know how she really feels about me. I don't even know I she's attracted to me. I don't even think she would tell me if she felt the same because I think she's ashamed because she's always saying things like "we aren't supposed to be this close" and she's really vain and self conscious about the appearance of everything and prim and proper.

I feel like I have to ask her because I don't want to end up saying or doing something that will either upset or offend her. I've always just ignored any sexual feelings but after this I don't know what to think.

Lately other things in our relationship have been changing also though. We're actually seriously talking about plans we've made drunk, while we're sober and we've had a bit more sentiment. But she's also recently broken up with her BF (again) and we always get closer when this happens because it's the only times we ever get to spend time alone really.

Should I talk to her about it or just forget it ever happened?... Because I've always wanted more with her but never at the cost of what we already have... which is... probably the most perfect a relationship can be with anyone.

and I know the obvious answer is we should probably have a sober relationship... but we don't.

So should I talk to her about last weekend or just forget it ever happened and just drunkenly romance my way through this the same way I have for the last... years... This is a really complex and messed up relationship and I can't help but feel that it wouldn't be anywhere near as messed up or complex as it is if there wasn't some stigma that we aren't allowed to have feelings... and that really isn't fair.

Edited by Rizoker

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and so this had been happening for 15 years? You have to put a stop to it. come clean again and just let it all hang out. You do not owe her any sort of apology.

Do anything, but move along with your life. you can't waste another 15 years playing child games.

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On August 4, 2018 at 12:48 PM, KC said:

and so this had been happening for 15 years? You have to put a stop to it. come clean again and just let it all hang out. You do not owe her any sort of apology.

Do anything, but move along with your life. you can't waste another 15 years playing child games.

It's been six years. I don't know if I could ever just put it all out there but I think I'm going to have to... sober...ish, right now isn't the right time though. 

We talked about it a bit yesterday. We talked about the kinky stuff that happened last weekend. She said she was just drunk... I asked her if she was attracted to me, she said no and that she doesn't want me to feel that way about her either... and said we're just both lonely. But also two hours prior said we'd get married if we weren't related and told me I just wanted a better view of her arse when I suggested she should pull up her shorts... So I came out really not knowing anything different. 

I think maybe she just can't deal with it that she does kind of feel the same. It doesn't help that people like her crappy insane sister are constantly giving us crap for sleeping together or any kind of attention or affection.

She said we have a platonic romance. Which is basically how I've always felt about it also. But it's been a bit less than platonic lately...

I cant ever just walk away from this though. She's been my best friend and confidant and she relies on me for a lot... We've been through a tremendous amount of stuff together. I would give the rest of my life on her if I have to.

So I guess there's just nothing to say really. Just replying.

Were planning to travel the world a bit next year so maybe I'll just talk about it then. 

 

 

Edited by Rizoker

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