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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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AnonyCouple_him

Sharing Feelings with a Cousin

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Guest Aleena

I need some help. I am in love with my cousin but I don't know what to do about it. I am a girl but I am like 4 years older than him so who should make the first move.

My parents were cousins before they got married so neither me or my cousin have a problem with it.

I am also a Muslim so that should help but I who should make the first move me a girl or him a guy 4 years younger than me.

Please I need all the help I can get   :smiley:

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Guest NYinlove

Me and my first cousin are deeply in love, but we live in different countries. I wish I had followed all the tips on the first list, I can see how they would help assure that feelings wouldnt get hurt, but it's harder when theres miles and miles separating you from the person you love. We've both known we have strong feelings for eachother for about 2 years now and have been in constant contact all this time and In those two years I've only seen him for a month when I recently went to see him. -__- bc we are so far apart, we were never able to have a foundation of a relationship because we cant be together. we just had all the feelings building up inside and they all just rushed out when we saw eachother after all this time, now I am back in the states, the feelings are stronger now, and we are not even sure if we can be together. And at this point if one of us decides that it's too hard, that its not possible, it's going to do so much damage to our hearts. :(

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Wellllll being a female here just let me say that I was 17 when I practically jumped my cousin's bones.  I really have no idea who made the first move all I know is that there was enough electricity between us to power a small country.  We both knew and felt it. I think if you connect with your cousin and it is that strong you actually feel them feeling it too.  We still feel it 26 years later.  I can actually feel him near me before I hear or see him.  It is easy to share how you feel when you know they feel it to.  You can see it in their eyes, their face. The way the react to you or act towards you.  I melt like butter when he looks and smiles at me.  I always have and I always will.  If you know there is something don't give up on it.... go after it.  You will be rewarded with a love like you never knew. 

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I really have no idea who made the first move all I know is that there was enough electricity between us to power a small country.  We both knew and felt it. I think if you connect with your cousin and it is that strong you actually feel them feeling it too.  We still feel it 26 years later.  I can actually feel him near me before I hear or see him.

Oh my gosh, Leah, this is EXACTLY like me! I can feel my cousin's nearness or farness -- it's like the farther he is, the more electrostatic feedback there is in me, or something -- it's so weird!!!

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Many of these links don't actually work, such as the success stories. Can someone fix them please, I'm interested to read them.

Otherwise, great advice. I had a lot of this stuff already in my mind but it was nice to get some reassurance by reading this thread.

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Guest Mike

Ok been reading all the advice on here and I have to say it all makes perfect sense. I'm head over heals for my 1st cousin have been since I was 15 and she was 13. I'm 33 now 2 failed marriages and 2 wonderful children later. She is in the process of getting a divorce as well with 2 children. Idk how she feels about me but we've always been close. Closer than any of our other cousins are any ways. The point is if I tell her and the reciprocation is there like I think it is. Does anyone have any advice on how do we tell our children? Our 2 oldest boys are 8 and best friends. They know they are cousins and that me and her are as well, how do explain to 2 8 yro boys that they are cousins and potentially step brothers? I don't want to put the cart before the horse but knowing her the way I do, this will be something she asks. We have discussed jokingly that we should just be together so I have a pretty good feeling that she feels as I do. If so, I just wanna be prepared for this eventuality. Thanks for any help

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Wellllll being a female here just let me say that I was 17 when I practically jumped my cousin's bones.  I really have no idea who made the first move all I know is that there was enough electricity between us to power a small country.  We both knew and felt it. I think if you connect with your cousin and it is that strong you actually feel them feeling it too.  We still feel it 26 years later.  I can actually feel him near me before I hear or see him.  It is easy to share how you feel when you know they feel it to.  You can see it in their eyes, their face. The way the react to you or act towards you.  I melt like butter when he looks and smiles at me.  I always have and I always will.  If you know there is something don't give up on it.... go after it.  You will be rewarded with a love like you never knew.

Wow... Leah. I could not of said it better myself, so so true.

I am new here but that is the best post I have read so far.

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Guest D

Really good points, however I feel each situation (relationship) is different and unique. Perhaps some of you can give me some feedback because my heart is just a storm right now!  My cousin and I are similar to many of you, we are the best of friends, always near each other during family gatherings, and tell each other everything. I am however adopted. When my cousin was in High school we were the closest as far as intimacy goes. I knew she was thinking about us on a different level when her friends would make little comments aabout letting us do our lovey dovies , or allowing us to get our silly playfulness over with. Several occasions when I stayed the night we would watch a horror movie and she would want me to lie with her until she fell asleep. We always woke up wrapped up in each others embrace and started the day like it was normal. Nothing really ever happened after that as she found herself a boyfriend. Several years later now present she turned 23 and we still talk for hours on the phone. We spent new years with each other and you could cut the anxiety between us with a knife. People always thought we were a couple but we would reply no were cousin's. The fact that I am of a different race is obvious and some actually said "so" that's even better right? It seems to good to be true, but I know she is wondering and curious just as much as I am. She goes back and forth it feels like , needing me then not, she even took a job out of state but comes back, talks to me sends me Facebook ims. How do I even venture forth in talking to her about how I (we) feel about each other? She has walls up and likes to deflect questions with responses such as " what do you think?" Or simple one word answers. I think she may feel conflicted. Idk I want her to feel good about herself and especially us. She likes to downplay everything but inside i know her quietness speaks louder than words. Help!

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I don't know if I can ever work up the nerve to tell him now. I kinda awkwardly suggested that we take a trip together some time, and he stopped responding.  :cry:

I hope he's just busy or something but I have a bad feeling.

This thread brought up all kinds of emotions.

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I don't know if I can ever work up the nerve to tell him now. I kinda awkwardly suggested that we take a trip together some time, and he stopped responding.  :cry:

I hope he's just busy or something but I have a bad feeling.

This thread brought up all kinds of emotions.

I hope its not that he's clicked on and thats why he's not responding. I guess different guys take things differently though but just give it time, surely he'll reply someday. Maybe you could think of something to say to him of why you mentioned about the trip, without it seeming obvious that you're attracted/in love with him :smiley:

nessa76

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Guest Jacob Linsquist

I all so have strong feeling  for a cousin. But i dont desier a fical relationship i have growing feelings for her but dont know how she feels back.

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The first time I visited this site I posted my story but I don't know if it posted or not since I was a visitor. So, now that I'm a member maybe it will work and I can get some advice.

    I'm 23 and a newly single mother to my 8 month old daughter. The guy I was with wasn't her father. Anyway, after we broke up I started hanging out with my second cousin, who is 30. He's been single and living by himself for the past 7/8 years. He's helped me get through the break up a lot.

  The first time time we met I was 18 and it was at a party where just about everyone was family and we were all drinking and just having a good time. After that we didn't see each other again until I was 21 and we didn't recognize each other.

  I was working at a gas station that he came too pretty regularly. I'll never forget how attracted I was to him the first time he came in there, and every time after that. We're both fairly shy so we never said much to each other. We live in a small town and I saw him multiple times coincidentally, still not knowing he was my second cousin.

  One day he came in the gas station with some of my other second cousins that I did know. They own a family roofing business and all work together. I hoped he was just a friend of their's, but they informed he wasn't.

  About a year went by, I got pregnant and was still single. Then one night my dad asked me if I wanted to go to a little party they were having out at my cousin's house that I had had a crush on for so long. Since I was pregnant and couldn't drink I went as the designated driver. On the way out there I told my dad about my crush that I had on my cousin before I knew he was my cousin. He thought it was funny and I was relieved he wasn't mad or disgusted with me. Little did I know that as soon as we got there he was going to tell my cousin about my little crush in front of everybody! I was so embarrassed! But then my cousin said the feelings were mutual. That helped with the embarrassment a lot! It was never brought up again after that and we didn't see each other again until just recently.

  Now that we have started hanging out, just the two of us, I have found out we have so much in common. My crush has grown more into love for him in a romantic way. I find myself daydreaming about what it would be like if we weren't cousins. When we hang out I want so badly to just cuddle up on the couch with him and fall asleep in his arms. He's even made the comment that it's so hard to find a girl in this town and when he finally does she ends up being his cousin. He makes little flirtatious comments all the time and talks about love a lot. We've had a few awkward silent moments when talking about love/relationships but always change the subject quickly when it happens.

  Our family would never accept us dating, as far as we know. Neither of us have addressed this entire situation. I'm too scared of what he will think of me and the fact that I have even entertained the idea of us dating and possibly even getting married one day. I've told my mom and she doesn't think any less of me and told me it was normal to be attracted to my cousin. She also said he's the only one good enough for me in this town lol. As far as dating him, she said she would have to talk to our preacher and research the bible and internet before she formed and opinion on it. She said the family would NEVER accept it though, due to religious views.

  I am a Christian and trying to grow in my relationship with God. I've strayed away many times, but I'm working on my relationship with God and pray every day. The first thing I did was pray about my feelings for my cousin and the next thing I know, he sees me while leaving wal mart and calls me up to invite me to come hang out with him and a friend. The friend hardly said a word while him and I talked and joked around the whole the time. He ended up leaving and it was just the two of us for the rest of the night. I ignored that it could be a sign because I felt it was just me wanting it to be a sign. I've continued to pray about it as I've done more research in the bible and on the internet. The only thing I haven't done is talk to my preacher about it.

  So, I guess what I'm asking is, should I tell him what's going on inside my head? How do I tell him without losing him as my friend/cousin if he doesn't feel the same? How do we tell our family if he does? Do y'all think God could be telling me he's THE ONE? If he is, I want so badly to do things right for once in my life. I want to wait till marriage before getting romantically involved and do things the way God intended them to be done. Any and all advice is greatly appreciated, thanks! 😁

 

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Godly_Girl3414,

I think you are WAY over-thinking this. Much of your family is privy to your feelings, and, so far, have not reacted anywhere near as badly as we hear all too often on this site.

Let's deal with the issues individually. First, you two are both of age, and unattached. Check. Next, as mentioned, family has a pretty good clue that an eventual relationship is more than an outside possibility. If your Dad was going to be vehemently opposed, he would certainly not have mentioned your "crush", more less immediately made sport of it. If your Mom were vehemently opposed, she would not have said "Let me check into it". BTW, you may as well help her check into it by sending her here: http://www.cousincouples.com/?page=religion . May as well show that to your preacher too. Next, while on the subject, that is for FIRST cousins, second cousins are certainly allowed if first cousins are. Plus, second cousins are legal to marry everywhere around the world that we are aware of. Even though this isn't an issue, and you didn't mention it, (and I won't either) I did have a little peek at which State you are in. I don't need more specific information than that. If my look-up is correct, you are in a State where first cousins cannot marry, but again, second cousins are legal in all 50 States, yours included. Don't let anyone tell you it isn't legal. It is.

Since this is in the "Sharing your feelings" thread, let's delve into that a bit shall we? You two have already passed what I consider step one, which is the whole "If you weren't my cousin" type conversation. He has admitted the feeling is mutual, and nerves are the only thing that have prevented any action on these feelings, at least on your part. Probably his part too, but I'll take the liberty of getting in his head and giving the possibly slightly different reasons for reluctance on his part. For one, there is the age difference. Though not huge, and certainly not unheard of, (my first wife was just short of 8 years older than me) he could be nervous about being seen as "taking advantage" of your being younger, and your single mother status. Which brings me to another possible issue. He sounds like he is looking for a partner, but might just be at least a little comfortable as a bachelor. 7 or 8 years? Yeah, he may be looking, but it doesn't sound like he's gotten real carried away with it. He also may have for the most part ruled out dating single mothers, but, IMHO, is willing to make an exception in your case. You say he's been alone all this time, but, does he have any kids of his own from earlier in his life? Does he seem to be the type that would be a good provider, and nurturing "father" figure to your child? If I were you, I'd consider that part of the equation above what family would think.

I think it's beyond time for the two of you to set down and have what we around here call "The Talk". You can start out by revisiting the "If we weren't cousins..." thing, and take it from there. Let him know that you have looked into it, and it isn't anywhere near as unheard of or "taboo" as you all and others have been led to believe. Let him know that the facts are out there, and available here. Let him know that you are concerned what others would think, but, in the end, we all get our own life to live, and happiness to make. They'll get over it, trust me. Ask him what type of relationship he would like with you, if what others think of it were not part of the equation. Because, in reality, it shouldn't be. Tell him you would like to spend more time with him, if he says he's so inclined. As the conversation progresses, you really should find out how he would feel about stepping into a ready-made family. (No pun intended, LOL) All kidding aside, I really think that part of it is your bigger issue at this point. I think there is some pretty good potential for you two, if he's willing to step into it. But, as we also remind folks in your situation, looking for advice, you can't "break up/divorce" family. If you're going to do this, you need to be all in, and for the long haul.

If it were me, I would recommend slowly moving forward for you two. Take it as you would any other relationship. I would slowly, over time, spend more time together. Should that go well, slowly make some "appearances". Start out on the down low, and take it one step at a time. If you two are happy together, it will show. If it shows to you two, it will show to others. When it does, the drama level will go down accordingly. I'll assure you, your Mom and Dad want to see you happy, even if they do have their reservations. I'll also assure you, his Mom at least, wants the same for him. Cross your bridges, and get out in front of the drama with facts, as it comes. He's 30. He's a big boy. He's fully well of an age to tell folks to get over themselves. You're 23, and fully well of an age to stand with him, and back him up. If he's reluctant, bring him here, show him this thread, and my advice. My advice to him is, he may not realize it, but life is marching on. At thirty, I didn't so much realize it, but, at 52 I do. He's been on his own for a while, and if you make him happy, he really should take the opportunity before him to be happy.

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Hawk

  Thanks for the advice! No, he doesn't have any kids of his own but he has said at his age he's sure he'll have step kids. So, yeah I'm sure he wouldn't mind a ready made family at all. As far as him being a good provider and nurturing father figure, I have no doubts that he would be great at it. I've taken my daughter to his house and he's wonderful with her. He's very patient and when she would cry and throw her little fits it didn't bother him any whatsoever. He's actually amazed me at how good he is with her!

  I do see your point about him getting comfortable as a bachelor. I really hope that's not the case. I don't think it is from the way he talks and acts, but I could be wrong.

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Well I had a talk with him and he said if we weren't cousins he would most definitely date me in a serious relationship kind of way. I didn't bring him to this site but I told him I got information from google(which technically I did bc I found this site on google) and told him the facts. He still said we could never be anything and it just wouldn't be a good idea. It kills me to know that us being 2nd cousins is the only thing standing between us.

I talked to him over txt about it one night and we flirted back & forth till we went to bed. When I saw him the next day and spent the day with him is when he told me it wasn't a good idea and all that but if we weren't cousins he would.

I don't know what to do. He was really sweet about the whole thing. He said I caught him at a vulnerable moment the night before. Should I just leave it alone? or Should I just keep spending time with him to try & show him if we make each other happy it shouldn't matter what anyone else thinks?

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I hope its not that he's clicked on and thats why he's not responding. I guess different guys take things differently though but just give it time, surely he'll reply someday. Maybe you could think of something to say to him of why you mentioned about the trip, without it seeming obvious that you're attracted/in love with him :smiley:

nessa76

He still doesn't seem to know, thankfully. I want him to know, but it needs to be at the right time, and in the right setting!

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He still doesn't seem to know, thankfully. I want him to know, but it needs to be at the right time, and in the right setting!

The right setting is best to tell him, i felt bad for leaving a drunken message on facebook to my Cousin. Oh well, whats done was done then  (not recommended) as a way to open up about ones feelings etc... LOL

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The right setting is best to tell him, i felt bad for leaving a drunken message on facebook to my Cousin. Oh well, whats done was done then  (not recommended) as a way to open up about ones feelings etc... LOL

I understand... Several times before, I have gotten really emotional and wanted to just blurt it all out to him, on facebook or via text. It is hard to carry such a secret around for so long.

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I understand... Several times before, I have gotten really emotional and wanted to just blurt it all out to him, on facebook or via text. It is hard to carry such a secret around for so long.

Exactly, we all need our sanity so we do whatever it takes to have it LOL

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Guest Kathy

My situation is odd but similar, I have been divorced for three years now, and after my divorce was doing a lot of hiking, camping etc. As a new hobby and found out I loved it. My oldest son does as well and we went on several outings. My second cousin is the same age as my son and also enjoys the outdoors. We all started camping together, but it slowly branched off to my cousin and I spending a lot of time together. Now after three years, we text throughout the day, hang out almost every evening, and plan camping and overnight vacations together. we do hug and tell each other we love each other. I didn't realize I had romantic feelings for him until a friend pointed out. Now I feel like he does for me as well. There is the second cousin deal, as well as a huge age difference. I'm 44  and he is 27. I am unsure of what to do. I have never met someone who's personality fits mine so well, or the connection so strong, but I would never want to hurt or embarrassed him either.

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