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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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AnonyCouple_him

Sharing Feelings with a Cousin

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I am a girl and I'm 12 years old. My cousin is a 14 year old boy and I love him a lot. We are first cousins. I know he loves me too but I don't know when is the right time to tell him. I can't stop thinking about him and I even dream about him... sooner or later I'm not gonna take it anymore... The way he smiles at me and he just stares when I'm trying to make him pay attention to something else.. The way he holds my hand.. the way he tries to get my attention.. I know you might think its my hormones or I'm too young or whatever, but its the first time I have ever felt like this before for anybody.. Yeah i had crushes but this isn't a crush anymore..

A few facts :

We are neighbors

I see him everyday

I have no clue whatsoever what to do

He doesn't act the same with my other girl cousins

I used to hate him (well isnt that funny)

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I'm sorry but the one thing that holds my cousin and I together through thick and thin is knowing we'll never be each other's significant other.  We're free to love without constraint.

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no, you're not "free" to love. you're stealing your love. you're stealing from your family. don't come on here to this website preaching how 'right' infidelity is. we don't care if you stick around, and even tell people that you're married and having a long term affair. but when you go promoting that (as you have) as being a good thing, you're gonna be begging for a swift kick in your derriere. 

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Guest beccarosesmith

Yeah my favorite cousin, and hence my cousin love broke off communication with me, and took back the I love you too. Blamed it on shock. I realize we are both married, and that probably had a lot to do with it, but I wanted him to know that he was special to me, even though I never had the guts to tell him before. So what do you do when they don't want to ever talk to you again? Just wait? I want my friend back. =( This sucks. I feel like he betrayed our family connection by in affect disowning me. And how on earth did I merit that just from sharing my feelings for him? I didn't actually DO anything. I'm trying not to but I feel angry, hurt, and betrayed. He is still my family, but he acts like he's not. What are the odds that this will ever change? I kind of wish I hadn't told him. At least I'd still have my buddy.

thank you for sharing this. a similar thing happened with me. we were sexting and sharing personal stuff but then i got scared and dissappeared. i think it was because i have a bf and he is married. anyways we met up and talked about it over lunch and it was fine. I had no real feelings after that. but then we hung out last weekend and it was beautiful. we just talked and shared our life (we didnt really talk/know each other growing up). he told me that he is a sex addict and that he needs time to get over his sexual desires so we can have a strong emotional bond. its been almost a week and he hasnt contacted me but hes been liking my instagrams haha. anyways, im so scared and anxious because i used to be in control and now he is and i have no idea where the relationship is going to go. also, all this space is making me want him physically.

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beccarosesmith, if you have a bf and he is married the relationship doesn't go anywhere.

His "sex addict" confession sounds as lame as they come.  And you bought it?

Advice is to leave him alone until such time as you are both free of other relationships.

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Guest beccarosesmith

beccarosesmith, if you have a bf and he is married the relationship doesn't go anywhere.

His "sex addict" confession sounds as lame as they come.  And you bought it?

Advice is to leave him alone until such time as you are both free of other relationships.

I just want to be friends, nothing sexual.... no need to be rude about me "buying it."

I actually respect him for opening up to me so please don't say that he was being lame.

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rebeccarosesmith, I apologize if you thought I was being rude. I was not intending for it to sound that way.

However if you go back and reread your post I think you will realize how easily it would be for

one to interpret that you were heading in  the direction of wanting a  sexual/physical relationship with him.

You did not state that you just wanted him as a friend.  Maybe I am just old, BUT I don't/ wouldn't be "sexting"

with someone I wanted to be a friend with unless I really did want something more. Nor would I think someone of the opposite sex admitting to such an

"addiction" would be appropriate or necessary to our friendship.  If someone has a true addiction they desire to get over, it won't happen in a week. I'm not sure if

that is the thought behind your comment or not, You didn't give your ages and you don't have to if you would rather not but that can have an impact on any advice you

might get.

Not sure that came out how meant, but hope you get my thought.

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Guest beccarosesmith

rebeccarosesmith, I apologize if you thought I was being rude. I was not intending for it to sound that way.

However if you go back and reread your post I think you will realize how easily it would be for

one to interpret that you were heading in  the direction of wanting a  sexual/physical relationship with him.

You did not state that you just wanted him as a friend.  Maybe I am just old, BUT I don't/ wouldn't be "sexting"

with someone I wanted to be a friend with unless I really did want something more. Nor would I think someone of the opposite sex admitting to such an

"addiction" would be appropriate or necessary to our friendship.  If someone has a true addiction they desire to get over, it won't happen in a week. I'm not sure if

that is the thought behind your comment or not, You didn't give your ages and you don't have to if you would rather not but that can have an impact on any advice you

might get.

Not sure that came out how meant, but hope you get my thought.

Thanks I appreciate that

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I'm personally just having a hard time finding the right moment to tell my cousin. Almost every time that I am around her when I go over to my grandma's, someone else is always there because my aunt and uncle live on the large property as well and there isn't much of a way to get alone time just long enough to tell her how I feel and see what her response would be. Quick note, because someone is probably bound to ask for some more details, she lives with my grandma and I live with my parents; about a 15-20 minute drive away. I'm 21 and she is 19 going on 20. I'm on the verge of driving again (Pennsylvania laws on Epilepsy are the worst), so I am thinking I'm going to wait until I get my license back in a week or two and take her out to get something to eat or go to the local mall. I have what I want to say memorized and I have rehearsed it multiple times already. It's also the nerves that I need to get past, every time I start thinking about telling her, especially when I am with her, I just get really nervous.

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Sorry to bump this but I just wanted to say I know it's difficult but you need to take that leap of faith. Otherwise you'll heavily regret it years down the line. Trust me on it. I don't think there really is an ideal time but if you can get her face to face alone you won't get a better chance. Best of luck to you. 

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My story is one of not having the conversation until it was too late.

I come from a very large and very close family, with many first cousins.  One in particular whom I have been close with since we were teenagers, and for about that long I have had these feelings for her that I never knew how to deal with.  I have been endlessly mesmerized by her deep eyes, golden skin, and flowing hair, combined with her fierce loyalty and fun personality.  Only recently did it ever occur to me to explore the topic of cousin marriage.  I always assumed that this was something that was simply not done.

Even when I got married, these feelings didn't go away.  What I believed at the time was "dealing with it" was nothing more than sweeping it under the rug and assuming it would just go away on its own.  Then, when she got married, the feelings all came rushing back.  On the one hand, I was truly happy for her, that my best friend had found someone to make her happy.  On the other hand, it felt like something inside me died, knowing that someone was making her happy, and it wasn't me.

As we have gone on in our adult lives, I continue to find out that her husband takes her for granted, doesn't accept responsibility for much, and is neglectful and distant.  My wife is a good mother, but has had little romantic drive to begin with, and has gradually decreased to almost nothing over the years.  The combination of these things, you may imagine, led to a lot of mental anguish for myself, that I simply felt I could not tell anyone who would understand.  I was left, I thought, to look on from afar and wonder what might have been.

After years of stuffing these feelings, I wrestled with the idea for many months of even discussing with my cousin these long-hidden feelings and attempting to bring some measure of closure to them.  This week, I finally asked for an audience with her to discuss something that would not be easy, and I finally laid bare over a decade of bottled-up feelings that had plagued my heart, every day of my life.  The anticipation turned out to be 10,000 times worse than the conversation.  The only thing that she was upset about was that I had carried this pain for so long.  She wasn't freaked out, and it was not the first instance she had heard of, of cousins having feelings for one another.  She was not upset or shocked.  She knew, as I had also come to recently find out, that it is far more common than society makes it out to be.  For closure, I asked her if at any point she ever felt the same way.  She did not, but said that I should not feel condemned or allow these feelings to hold me back any longer.   This weight is off my chest and I am free of this pain.  We remain best friends and will continue to support one another's marriages.

If you do have these feelings and you believe you are both mature enough to have an honest conversation, you need to have it.  Even if it doesn't lead to anything, you owe it to yourself not to live day and night in emotional turmoil.

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