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Harambe

My paranoia is ruining me. I love my cousin

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Please read this, I know it's long and I know I have issues.

OK, I like my cousin, she's really cute, a little bit younger than me 6 years but still. I don't care if she likes me back or not because we can't do anything anyways, and I wouldn't want to either but it does bother me not knowing because I don't want her to think things etc etc, kind of hard to explain. Her and her family come visit from way out of town every 1-3 years for a month. She's quite shy, so she rarely ever starts conversations and doesn't speak too much when in a conversation but enough to talk. I'm shy myself, so I don't start conversations either but I do talk a bit when someone else starts the convo. All this meaning, we don't talk much but she does laugh at some jokes and comments I make etc etc. 

This is where the smallest thing makes me paranoid.

This year when they came, the minute they came into our house, we say hi's, long time no see etc. Then after that, she comes up to me and starts asking me (initiating a convo I guess) about what I do now work wise. It was a good 1 and half min conversation. Then after that she never started a conversation with me again. It was always a small "hi" or a laugh at my comment/joke or "where are we going again" kind of thing. That's fine because she's shy. I have started maybe 1 conversion with her throughout the month and 1 other conversation with her with a group of people. Nothing special. When she does talk to me though, it's always smiles and a laugh or 2 or 3 etc everytime I talk specifically to her.

I'm not sure if she likes me back or not but a lot of times she looked sad to my knowledge or maybe just tired I don't know, were always out all day. I hope I'm not doing anything to make her sad or she thinks I don't like her, I don't know what the case may be.

Then 4 days before they leave we're headed somewhere downtown and she and her mom were kind of far behind walking. It kind of looked like she was sad and talking to her mom about what she is sad (not sure though) about while her arms were around her. Does her mom know I like her? I hope not. I doubt that's what they were talking about obviously right? She gets sad a lot which gets me sad and makes me want to end it because I don't know if it's me or not, I want to make things right with her which I feel is sad because she's me cousin.

Then an hour later after the tour we did, she comes up to me again as we were waiting in line for an elevator and asks me what I was reading. (picked a magazine from the stand temporarily). Then talked and laughed about my dog. It ended up being more of a smile and laugh convo then the first one was (which really wasn't too much) for a couple mins.

Then we get off the elevator and she is so ecstatic and happy. She goes to her dad and pulls his arm. I have no idea, she gets to the gift shop and is excited about it. What happened to the sad girl? To quote Star Wars "no, that's impossible!!" that she doesn't like me after that convo. I refuse to believe that unless she was being really nice but then again I don't know and that's what is killing me.

It's not just that, I get stupid paranoid if she was sitting next to me and then switches seats when I leave for a minute. Is she annoyed by me, do I smell or she just wanted to switch seats. Also she'll say thanks everytime I do something nice out whatever the case of but this one time she didn't say it and again my paranoia made me think she doesn't care. Lately she hasn't been laughing too much at my funny comments. Is she tired of them or they're not funny anymore or she's used to them where they're not funny anymore. This really bothers and it messes with me. She hover handed me in a group photo which really got me badly. At first it was fine, then few seconds later, she hovered it. I had back sweats because it was really hot outside but still. I got paranoid when I forgot her birthday in the morning. I somehow fixed it but not sure if it worked. She sounded like she was fine. She scooted her chair over half a centimeter and I freaked out inside. 

This is really bad and I can't help it. She is my kissy-faceing cousin, I can't do this anymore. Does she like me or no. It bothers me that I don't know.

They leave tomorrow and I'm already crying in bed. I want to say I'm crying because I'm going to miss them. They normally cry because they leave us but I'm really only crying because of her I feel like. I don't know what to do. I can't tell her or talk to her about this. HELL NO! I know they leave tomorrow, so I can begin to forget but it'll take a week or more and I can't wait that long. Is this anything or what? I'm very curious? I know all y'all probably saying "you're thinking too much into this etc etc. But it's killing me inside.

Edited by Harambe

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Hi Harambe,

How old are you and your cousin?  Your post makes you sound rather young.  You're early teens I would guess?  If you are in your early teens, you two have years to figure out if you want a relationship, or not.  Read everything on this board, and then you will see the difficulties that can arise in a cousin-romance.

Take Care,

Ambra

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