Jump to content
Zachary

My Second Cousin And Only Best Friend.

Recommended Posts

• We've known each other since I was 5 and she was three. She lives out of state and just happened to be at my great aunt's. We didn't start talking everyday until I was 12 and she was 9. And every day until now we've talked, which now I'm 25 and she's 22. I say talked because she lives in a state over. She is my first and probably only best friend. Out of everyone I know, she comes out on top. I've never had an attachment to anyone this strong, ever. I wish I could give her everything she deserves. I wish I could make her life better. She's been looking for the right person forever and can't seem to land a good person. She is the only girl I have ever and will ever love. My stubbornness and feelings are probably why I never moved on when I thought she changed her mind on us being that way a lot because she's admitted she feels the same way. I have never and will never want anyone else. And to my shame it weighed on me so much and it keep getting brought up that I avoided her some days. It wasn't her fault, it was mine. I just didn't know how to say, I was in love with her and not make it awkward, weird, and sad as hell because at the time I thought she saw me as more of a brother. Not knowing if my feelings would be reciprocated played a factor as well. That last on actually scared the living hell out of me. And when I'm scared, I keep quite. I'm what you would call a useless man, if you could even call me a man. I keep thinking she could do a hell of a lot better, because she really could. I was just trying to look past my wants and needs and focus on hers. She needs a financially supportive partner, I am not that. Me thinking like this is the reason I never spoke out about my feelings often. I would throw a hint here and there, or someone else would bring it up, but the conversation would never go anywhere go anywhere. But that's how it's always been. My life has a way of dangling my dreams in front of me, then slaps me with it and and says I can't have it. I just can't take not having anything anymore. I get enough to suffer, that's about it and that's how I know it will be until I die. But even if it some how miraculously happened would we be happy or just sad? Why...just why did we have to be related? Does life enjoy torturing me to the very end? Constantly giving me hope that maybe we could be, then spitting in my face. I just want her to be happy. This situation is one of the main reasons why I'm always depressed and sad it's because my damn soulmate is my cousin. I've witnessed proof of this time and time again. We like the same things, we think the same things so much we are literally saying the same things at the same time all the time, and we enjoy simply taking to each other for literally hours a day for 13 years. I would chop a certain part off and stick the wound in fire ants just to have a chance to be with her. Doesn't even have to be a sure thing, just a chance. I want to be with her so bad it hurts. I hurt when she hurts, I hate hearing her down there so unhappy, knowing I can't do a damn thing to help her because I'm ao useless. I wish I could be everything she needs and wants. I wish I could give her what she wants, when she wants. I wish we weren't family so we could be a family. But that will probably never happen, because we're cousin's. I can't even think of suicide (I'm a coward when it comes to that so don't worry) because she keeps talking of killing herself if I die, and that scares me worse than my own death. I don't want her to kill herself over me. I just want her happy. But we never are. I just love her so much. Is that really so repulsive to society? That is the only thing stopping us. What people would think. And it does help the fact that people relentlessly remind me of it by teasing us, because even they can see how close were are. I just wish I could have this one piece of happiness but life denied it in the worst way and now I'll never be able to love again. You may say I will but you don't know me. I've been stuck on her for over a decade they rest or my life seems worth it. She says I will too but I know I won't. Trying to find love somewhere else just seems wrong and I don't want to. That's why I've accepted that I'll die alone because if it's not with her I don't want love. Doesn't stop it from hurting like hell though. I've used to cry nightly over this but know I just fall in a depression pit and only cry every so often because I'm used to emotional pain now but I'll be damned if it makes me stop talking to her or anything. I've got too few friends for that and she's the oldest and most precious one. I just wish there was some way to be with her. But keep on dreaming I guess. I don't get along with very many girls. Just her actually. So I'm positive I'll die alone without love. I can't be with anyone else. My mind won't let me. I've had a few encounters with other girls but everytime it gets to the point of them try to flirt with me I feel guilty. Like even them saying stuff like that to me is a betrayal even though we aren't that way with each other. And I can't and don't want to change that. Because to be honest I would rather die lonely than be with someone else. Sorry about the bad,  repetitive writing and the 'woe is me' story. I just have literally no one else to talk about this to.

Edited by Zachary
Something added a word I've never used before. Holy Crapoly.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I accidentally used a cuss word and it changed it to holy crapoly.  I haven't heard that in awhile. 

Edited by Zachary

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am in a some what similar spot, read my recent post. All i can say is come clean with her. My cousin did with me thank heavens, cause i dont think i would have had the guts to do it myself. 

I am still scared about what family and other people may say when they find out, it scares me, but it scares me more to think of not being at his side as his partner. We are currently in the planning stages to become a family unit, as he also lives states away....

All i can say, really, since i also have my own fears and questions, is it may take you bringing the topic up, to open the gate.. as i know if he did not be so open with me, we may still be doing the i love you more then as a cousin side step.. :)

I hope that helps......

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, PLB said:

I am in a some what similar spot, read my recent post. All i can say is come clean with her. My cousin did with me thank heavens, cause i dont think i would have had the guts to do it myself. 

I am still scared about what family and other people may say when they find out, it scares me, but it scares me more to think of not being at his side as his partner. We are currently in the planning stages to become a family unit, as he also lives states away....

All i can say, really, since i also have my own fears and questions, is it may take you bringing the topic up, to open the gate.. as i know if he did not be so open with me, we may still be doing the i love you more then as a cousin side step.. :)

I hope that helps......

To be honest personally I think I could look past what people think. I just don't know if she can. And I can't blame her for that. People looking down at you and telling you what you doing is wrong and sick is never an easy thing to get past. I try to bring it up sometimes but it usually gets avoided probably because she sees it as an impossibility. If it wasnt for other people this would be a lot different more than likely.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I actually told her I posted it right after I did. I don't keep anything but the biggest thing from her, but I guess I'll change that hopefully. I try to keep my feelings under control but it's exhausting lately. But I do it so I don't burden her with some kind of guilt or saddness. I don't want to put anymore on her plate than she already has. But it tears into me everyday. It's where the majority of my depression comes from. Everyday I think of the what ifs, only to later believe it'll never happen and your a loser who's gonna die alone and that's when the depression hits. At times I think the stress of it is affecting me in bad ways. I'm starting to get more irritable and cranky. I stay awake most and just stare at the ceiling wondering. Even though I love being her cousin ... I always wished she was my best friend since childhood. Just my best friend. Then there would be no restraints anymore if that were reality. So I lose sleep over thoughts like that and others. Eventually it gets to a point that it hurts so much that I (Call me a wimp if you want) cry myself to sleep about once a week. Sometimes thoughts even turn scary and when that happens I feel like crap afterwards and I avoid her calls for awhile. But I can never stay away. She one of the few people I got left that makes me feel loved. Without her I may as well not exist. And I just can't imagine avoiding her for too long and I don't want to.

   She keeps saying I never tell her anything when something is bothering me and it made her feel hurt so I wanted to give it a try. So if she ever looks at this again she'll hopefully know why I kept it in. I just didn't want to hurt her in anyway. I love her too much. But hopefully this is what she wanted never actually tell these thoughts to any one. Hope this kind of stays buried in this website actually. It was just my only display of courage I could think of of that fit the bill. There's thousands of Zacharys in the world so I hope this wasn't a mistake. Sorry for being so sappy and making it weird. But it felt good to say a little.

Edited by Zachary

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Perhaps seek counselling Zachary, to help you sort thru all of this.  Also read the website and things posted at the top of forums, which will give you advice on how to cope.  If you and your cousin want to marry, you can make it happen, it's not impossible.  There are people on here that have been married to their cousins for years.

Take Care and God Bless

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Would love to be able to afford counseling lol. The site has helped a little bit though. At least in making me feel better about my feelings. I don't feel  like a weirdo about feeling this way as much. I just needed to get it off my chest. Don't know how much it will help in the long run, but I feel better for the moment.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 hours ago, Ambra_Flows said:

Perhaps seek counselling Zachary, to help you sort thru all of this.  Also read the website and things posted at the top of forums, which will give you advice on how to cope.  If you and your cousin want to marry, you can make it happen, it's not impossible.  There are people on here that have been married to their cousins for years.

Take Care and God Bless

 

Just now, Zachary said:

Would love to be able to afford counseling lol. The site has helped a little bit though. At least in making me feel better about my feelings. I don't feel  like a weirdo about feeling this way as much. I just needed to get it off my chest. Don't know how much it will help in the long run, but I feel better for the moment.

It didnt quote when i told it to lol

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, Fahrain3 said:

Yeah a good counseling would be good enough. All the best buddy!

Yep. It would. To be honest idk on who even be a good councillor to even tell about this without branding it a mental issue. Thanks though lol.

Edited by Zachary

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Fahrain3 said:

You should also talk to the counselor not to branding this. I hope he/she will understand the situation and not disclose this issue with others. 

Doubt they would share with others. Doctor patient confidentiality and all lol .

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
18 minutes ago, Fahrain3 said:

Situation isn't favor right now. So I think there need a third person to help. 

Perhaps. Not really sure what else can be said. All I can do is hope and try for something good. Maybe I'll luck out someday.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Similar Content

    • By ABrad
      Hello!
      I posted a month or so ago for advice from this board. I received great advice and really appreciate it. 
      My comment this time is perhaps for perspective. My second cousin and I met over the summer for the first time (I’m 35, he’s 44). After a few sporadic texts after meeting (cousinly texts) we admitted a mutual attraction (one that was initiated by me). We began talking frequently through text at that time. Talking about commonalities and also about connecting physically at some point. We found that we’re both very compatible emotionally and physically. 
      Our only glitch - I wanted to pursue something that had the possibility to be long term. He said it was only going to be short term (friends with benefits) because he couldn’t deal with being publicly open with dating a cousin (even though he admitted it didn’t feel wrong...it just looked wrong). 
      Anyhow, we determined this difference in intentions early on in the relationship. I said perhaps then we shouldn’t continue. I would never tell him not to contact me though bc I really didn’t think we needed to do that. We weren’t an official couple and we’re also cousins so what’s the point in making it like a break up? I just thought it would fizzle out. He wouldn’t pursue it knowing I wanted something long term. 
       I’d walk away (through text...as much as you can there - being slow to respond. Not initiating, etc)...he’d reach out more. In fact, we got to the point in our text relationship that he would indicate he missed me if he hadn’t heard from me. This caused me to be confused because he told me he just wanted a FWB with me (although he said we could just be friends too and he didn’t have to get physical if I didn’t want to. I believe him. However, his desire to be in touch with me frequently and also to share his day, what was going on in his life, and emotions he might be feeling, involving his relationship with his kids for instance, told me he wanted emotional support from me. The kind that was not just a casual friend but from a partner. He also expressed interest and curiosity in my life.) 
      All that was nice (what I wanted actually in a long term relationship) but I found it hard to share things about myself and fully open up bc he kept saying we just had a short term thing going on.
      These months through text he’d talk about meeting up when he came to town but he never was able to follow through on it. It got to the point where I finally initiated a meet up and he of course was open to it and excited. We met up one night, kissed, had fun spending time together and left it at that. We didn’t take it further. I left the next morning. Both of us left still interested in seeing each other again though. 
      His communication became more sporadic in the following days (which I sensed might happen) but I didn’t sense he lost interest in me just that it reflected his inability to commit to a long term relationship with me. Last week he contacted me and reached out with the sense that he missed talking to me (bc I just mirrored his texting and didn’t text or initiate if he didn’t...we ended up at one point going three days without talking...kind of a long time for the habit we got into). I missed him too to be honest. Anyhow, on the advice of a friend, I told him the reason I didn’t reach out was bc I wanted to be with him but not as FWB. He said it was all too complicated and that he thought we should just be friends/cousins and not be pursing benefits. I agreed that that was totally okay (what I thought we should be doing anyway if we weren’t pursuing something long term).  
      This time instead of reaching back out after a few days of not talking like he usually did he still hasn’t reached out. I felt (and still do) incredibly sad and miss him. It’s the kind of heartbreak I’d feel after a break up. However, this break up feels sadder than others bc I feel like we’re both still interested in each other. He just didn’t give it a chance to develop. (Note: We’d have the conversation multiple times before but it hit home this time with him I think bc we’d actually seen each other in person). 
      Anyone have any thoughts on this? Have you seen this happen between cousin couples before? I hope we talk again someday. I was afraid of this the whole time and why I didn’t want to knowingly go into a short term relationship with him. Because while he can say we’re cousins, friends (and I truly think he enjoys talking to me)..truth is we didn’t know each other before (our families are not close). Unless one of us reaches out, we won’t spend time with each other again. We’re connected on FB and that’s really the only realm we have outside of deliberate communication. 
      I know if I reach out he will reciprocate but I don’t think he’ll reach out to me anymore. (Which is okay, but I’m still sad. It hurts bc while he said he was interested in me outside of benefits, when he realized benefits should really be off the table he went away. Honestly, if we were to have a fling I’d rather it have been of the physical kind rather than the emotional kind.)
      This kind of connection felt like the kind we could always be together. And maybe we will in a roundabout way. But right now it sucks because I don’t know that for sure. Additional perspective on cousin relationship dynamics and perhaps any experience in the thought process of a reluctant partner is what I’m looking for. I know that we would probably be a regular couple if we were away from everyone. So it’s hard. 
      Thank you. 
    • By ABrad
      I am recently in a situation (going on two months now) of a mostly text relationship with a second cousin. I am 35 and he is 44. We did not meet until last summer (funny enough it was bc of studying genealogy). I felt an instant attraction to him. We talked sporadically over the next three months through text until one night we admitted a mutual attraction. Since then communication has been practically daily. 
      From my angle, I live in a city, have no kids, and am not particularly bothered by the fact he’s my cousin. Our families are not close and we did not grow up together. (It would just be a relationship I saw as telling immediate family members and not being open with the public). We share so much in common. It was really like experiencing the male version of myself when I met and talked to him. Views on politics, religion, music, humor. We are very similar. 
      He says while he is attracted to me he doesn’t see a long term relationship as practical and thinks we should pursue something with an expiration date. He has two kids, lives near immediate family in a small conservative town. 
      We have discussed the discrepancy in our views (we both enjoy talking and want to get physical) and yet he continues to reach out to me and I continue to reciprocate communication. However, I cannot get physical with him under recreational circumstances. 
      My question is...has anyone actually seen someone evolve in this kind of scenario? Is it practical to think he may eventually be okay with it down the road (even if in the beginning last time we talked about it specifically he said he saw the chance as slim)?
      I have ceased initiating communication with him and it only made him increase his communication even more. I know he likes me...a lot. But so far he hasn’t been able to promise a relationship with any hope for a future. 
      As of yet, we have not seen each other since admitting mutual attraction over text. 
      Is this situation with a reluctant potential partner  one that anyone has seen or experienced before? Information on a relationship like this is not text book so it’s difficult to find and/or interpret. 
      Thank you in advance for considering providing any input. 
    • By Santoro
      Dear all at cc,
      I became member of your website in order to help people who are sentimentally connected with their cousin make their life as much easier as possible by providing them valid information. Hope this will be particularly useful for hellenic (greek) people who want to marry their second cousin or first cousin once removed (defteranipsiòs/defteranipsià in hellenic) but also for non Hellenes who would like to compare the reality towards the cousin marriage in their country with the hellenic one.
      First of all, i would like to inform friends here at cc that Hellas (Greece) is certainly one european country where marriage between 4th degree relatives (that is first cousins) is not allowed. Both the Hellenic Orthodox Church (for those who want to have a church wedding) and the State through the National Legislation (for those who want to have a civil wedding) ban the first cousins wedding. 
      I am quoting the relative hyperlinks right here:
       
      Terms and conditions about the church wedding according Hellenic Orthodox Church:
      http://www.ecclesia.gr/greek/holysynod/commitees/dogma/dogmatics-0001.htm  
       
      Terms and conditions about the civil wedding accoding to Astikós Kódhikas (Civil Law-pdf file):
      http://www.poes.gr/images/nomoi/kodikes-kanonismoi/astikoskodikas.pdf 
       
      As Civil Law is a whole tome, just focus on articles 1350–1371. The critical article is 1356 which clearly states that the wedding between relatives up to the 4th degree is not allowed (literally stated "the wedding is prevented"). If you ask me, though not allowed, i sincerely don't know if there is legal punishment in case where two first cousins get married in Hellas.
      As a general rule for my compatriots who are seeking valid advice… If you are in love with your second cousin (6th degree relation) or with your first cousin once removed (5th degree relation - that is with your dad/mum cousin or the child of your first cousin), then there is no legal or religious obstacle to get married. Any obstacle opposed by families is just a mind job whose foundations are far from scientific proof and Genetics.
      After having asked friends who live in Italy, i got the answer that the italian law is similar with the hellenic. I think that many european countries (especially the catholic and orthodox ones) don't allow the first cousin marriage or they do it upon strict conditions. So, just for the sake of precision, Hellas (Greece) is defintely a European country where (first) cousin marriage is not allowed. So, talking about facts about cousin marriage here in the cc webpage
      https://www.cousincouples.com/?page=facts
      there is room for some revision in fact no3.
       
      With best regards,
       
      Santoro
×