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Zachary

My Second Cousin And Only Best Friend.

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• We've known each other since I was 5 and she was three. She lives out of state and just happened to be at my great aunt's. We didn't start talking everyday until I was 12 and she was 9. And every day until now we've talked, which now I'm 25 and she's 22. I say talked because she lives in a state over. She is my first and probably only best friend. Out of everyone I know, she comes out on top. I've never had an attachment to anyone this strong, ever. I wish I could give her everything she deserves. I wish I could make her life better. She's been looking for the right person forever and can't seem to land a good person. She is the only girl I have ever and will ever love. My stubbornness and feelings are probably why I never moved on when I thought she changed her mind on us being that way a lot because she's admitted she feels the same way. I have never and will never want anyone else. And to my shame it weighed on me so much and it keep getting brought up that I avoided her some days. It wasn't her fault, it was mine. I just didn't know how to say, I was in love with her and not make it awkward, weird, and sad as hell because at the time I thought she saw me as more of a brother. Not knowing if my feelings would be reciprocated played a factor as well. That last on actually scared the living hell out of me. And when I'm scared, I keep quite. I'm what you would call a useless man, if you could even call me a man. I keep thinking she could do a hell of a lot better, because she really could. I was just trying to look past my wants and needs and focus on hers. She needs a financially supportive partner, I am not that. Me thinking like this is the reason I never spoke out about my feelings often. I would throw a hint here and there, or someone else would bring it up, but the conversation would never go anywhere go anywhere. But that's how it's always been. My life has a way of dangling my dreams in front of me, then slaps me with it and and says I can't have it. I just can't take not having anything anymore. I get enough to suffer, that's about it and that's how I know it will be until I die. But even if it some how miraculously happened would we be happy or just sad? Why...just why did we have to be related? Does life enjoy torturing me to the very end? Constantly giving me hope that maybe we could be, then spitting in my face. I just want her to be happy. This situation is one of the main reasons why I'm always depressed and sad it's because my damn soulmate is my cousin. I've witnessed proof of this time and time again. We like the same things, we think the same things so much we are literally saying the same things at the same time all the time, and we enjoy simply taking to each other for literally hours a day for 13 years. I would chop a certain part off and stick the wound in fire ants just to have a chance to be with her. Doesn't even have to be a sure thing, just a chance. I want to be with her so bad it hurts. I hurt when she hurts, I hate hearing her down there so unhappy, knowing I can't do a damn thing to help her because I'm ao useless. I wish I could be everything she needs and wants. I wish I could give her what she wants, when she wants. I wish we weren't family so we could be a family. But that will probably never happen, because we're cousin's. I can't even think of suicide (I'm a coward when it comes to that so don't worry) because she keeps talking of killing herself if I die, and that scares me worse than my own death. I don't want her to kill herself over me. I just want her happy. But we never are. I just love her so much. Is that really so repulsive to society? That is the only thing stopping us. What people would think. And it does help the fact that people relentlessly remind me of it by teasing us, because even they can see how close were are. I just wish I could have this one piece of happiness but life denied it in the worst way and now I'll never be able to love again. You may say I will but you don't know me. I've been stuck on her for over a decade they rest or my life seems worth it. She says I will too but I know I won't. Trying to find love somewhere else just seems wrong and I don't want to. That's why I've accepted that I'll die alone because if it's not with her I don't want love. Doesn't stop it from hurting like hell though. I've used to cry nightly over this but know I just fall in a depression pit and only cry every so often because I'm used to emotional pain now but I'll be damned if it makes me stop talking to her or anything. I've got too few friends for that and she's the oldest and most precious one. I just wish there was some way to be with her. But keep on dreaming I guess. I don't get along with very many girls. Just her actually. So I'm positive I'll die alone without love. I can't be with anyone else. My mind won't let me. I've had a few encounters with other girls but everytime it gets to the point of them try to flirt with me I feel guilty. Like even them saying stuff like that to me is a betrayal even though we aren't that way with each other. And I can't and don't want to change that. Because to be honest I would rather die lonely than be with someone else. Sorry about the bad,  repetitive writing and the 'woe is me' story. I just have literally no one else to talk about this to.

Edited by Zachary
Something added a word I've never used before. Holy Crapoly.

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I accidentally used a cuss word and it changed it to holy crapoly.  I haven't heard that in awhile. 

Edited by Zachary

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I am in a some what similar spot, read my recent post. All i can say is come clean with her. My cousin did with me thank heavens, cause i dont think i would have had the guts to do it myself. 

I am still scared about what family and other people may say when they find out, it scares me, but it scares me more to think of not being at his side as his partner. We are currently in the planning stages to become a family unit, as he also lives states away....

All i can say, really, since i also have my own fears and questions, is it may take you bringing the topic up, to open the gate.. as i know if he did not be so open with me, we may still be doing the i love you more then as a cousin side step.. :)

I hope that helps......

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7 hours ago, PLB said:

I am in a some what similar spot, read my recent post. All i can say is come clean with her. My cousin did with me thank heavens, cause i dont think i would have had the guts to do it myself. 

I am still scared about what family and other people may say when they find out, it scares me, but it scares me more to think of not being at his side as his partner. We are currently in the planning stages to become a family unit, as he also lives states away....

All i can say, really, since i also have my own fears and questions, is it may take you bringing the topic up, to open the gate.. as i know if he did not be so open with me, we may still be doing the i love you more then as a cousin side step.. :)

I hope that helps......

To be honest personally I think I could look past what people think. I just don't know if she can. And I can't blame her for that. People looking down at you and telling you what you doing is wrong and sick is never an easy thing to get past. I try to bring it up sometimes but it usually gets avoided probably because she sees it as an impossibility. If it wasnt for other people this would be a lot different more than likely.

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I actually told her I posted it right after I did. I don't keep anything but the biggest thing from her, but I guess I'll change that hopefully. I try to keep my feelings under control but it's exhausting lately. But I do it so I don't burden her with some kind of guilt or saddness. I don't want to put anymore on her plate than she already has. But it tears into me everyday. It's where the majority of my depression comes from. Everyday I think of the what ifs, only to later believe it'll never happen and your a loser who's gonna die alone and that's when the depression hits. At times I think the stress of it is affecting me in bad ways. I'm starting to get more irritable and cranky. I stay awake most and just stare at the ceiling wondering. Even though I love being her cousin ... I always wished she was my best friend since childhood. Just my best friend. Then there would be no restraints anymore if that were reality. So I lose sleep over thoughts like that and others. Eventually it gets to a point that it hurts so much that I (Call me a wimp if you want) cry myself to sleep about once a week. Sometimes thoughts even turn scary and when that happens I feel like crap afterwards and I avoid her calls for awhile. But I can never stay away. She one of the few people I got left that makes me feel loved. Without her I may as well not exist. And I just can't imagine avoiding her for too long and I don't want to.

   She keeps saying I never tell her anything when something is bothering me and it made her feel hurt so I wanted to give it a try. So if she ever looks at this again she'll hopefully know why I kept it in. I just didn't want to hurt her in anyway. I love her too much. But hopefully this is what she wanted never actually tell these thoughts to any one. Hope this kind of stays buried in this website actually. It was just my only display of courage I could think of of that fit the bill. There's thousands of Zacharys in the world so I hope this wasn't a mistake. Sorry for being so sappy and making it weird. But it felt good to say a little.

Edited by Zachary

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Perhaps seek counselling Zachary, to help you sort thru all of this.  Also read the website and things posted at the top of forums, which will give you advice on how to cope.  If you and your cousin want to marry, you can make it happen, it's not impossible.  There are people on here that have been married to their cousins for years.

Take Care and God Bless

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Would love to be able to afford counseling lol. The site has helped a little bit though. At least in making me feel better about my feelings. I don't feel  like a weirdo about feeling this way as much. I just needed to get it off my chest. Don't know how much it will help in the long run, but I feel better for the moment.

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10 hours ago, Ambra_Flows said:

Perhaps seek counselling Zachary, to help you sort thru all of this.  Also read the website and things posted at the top of forums, which will give you advice on how to cope.  If you and your cousin want to marry, you can make it happen, it's not impossible.  There are people on here that have been married to their cousins for years.

Take Care and God Bless

 

Just now, Zachary said:

Would love to be able to afford counseling lol. The site has helped a little bit though. At least in making me feel better about my feelings. I don't feel  like a weirdo about feeling this way as much. I just needed to get it off my chest. Don't know how much it will help in the long run, but I feel better for the moment.

It didnt quote when i told it to lol

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9 hours ago, Fahrain3 said:

Yeah a good counseling would be good enough. All the best buddy!

Yep. It would. To be honest idk on who even be a good councillor to even tell about this without branding it a mental issue. Thanks though lol.

Edited by Zachary

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1 hour ago, Fahrain3 said:

You should also talk to the counselor not to branding this. I hope he/she will understand the situation and not disclose this issue with others. 

Doubt they would share with others. Doctor patient confidentiality and all lol .

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18 minutes ago, Fahrain3 said:

Situation isn't favor right now. So I think there need a third person to help. 

Perhaps. Not really sure what else can be said. All I can do is hope and try for something good. Maybe I'll luck out someday.

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