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anonymouc

Long distance second cousin

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I recently met my second cousin for the first time (we share the same great grandparent) and I immediately bonded with her and her brother like they were my own siblings. More so the brother than the actual person I'm referring to.. anyways I found her to be very attractive and I admired her work ethic and how she handles her life. She seemed a bit shy like me like we're those people that doesn't speak unless spoken to and so forth. When the day came that I had to leave, I immediately teared up but it was more so that I had to leave my family that I shared a bond with and treated them as if I've known them my whole life. I don't really have anyone at home to talk to or interact with that's around my age group. I flew back to New York and really didn't develop any feelings or anything like that besides family love but I was immediately pressured by immediate family members to pursue my second cousin. I'm 20 and she's 18. For the confidentiality aspect, I'd like to keep her location anonymous but she was raised to always study hard in school and try to get into college first and finish school before wanting a boyfriend as the acceptance rates is about 30% of all high school graduates therefore it's very competitive. She behaves and listens to her family members very well and looks after her little brother very kindly too. Now that I'm pressured to actually try and maybe test the waters, I kind of actually started developing feelings towards her. I just keep rejecting and denying my immediate family when they bring up the idea of me and my second cousin and how the birth defects are so low, how we make a good couple etc. I deny saying that I don't have feelings for her and it's weird because I don't want them to think that I'm weird. I'm just a stubborn person that cares about how my family views me because I don't want them to get the wrong image in their heads. They admire her for being so pretty and her work ethic and how she's just an amazing person overall which I couldn't agree more.  They tell me that since I'm in NY, USA it's so hard to find someone like that as caring and as nice in general as her and they fear that when I'm older, divorce and other problems may arise because of my families wealth and how people just like to take advantage of you in New York. I've had a few flings in the past but never had a relationship, she as well because her parents want her to focus on getting into college and how boys are just a distraction. I really never met anyone like her and now I literally count down the days I'm supposed to take flight and see her and her family again as my stay in their house was too short and it had bad weather during the stay. I plan on visiting my second cousin next year but I'm not so sure of what I should do. I don't know how my second cousin's parents feel about this situation but they admire me too. They basically like me too so my family likes her and her family likes me as in individual but i dont know about us together as a couple, well my family thinks it'd be great for me. She lives on the other side of the world and I don't want to weird her out as I do like her as my cousin too. I just don't really know how to pursue this situation as I'm literally losing sleep over it and waking up during her time zone. I didn't talk to her since I've left but I 100% will make a visit back to her next year when she's in college. I'll just randomly message her saying good luck on her college acceptance tests and say happy birthday but not really deep conversations.I don't know how she feels about me. We just clicked and talk about random stuff like my life in NYC and her life in ______. I know I like her but I don't know how to approach this. Should I get my family to talk to her family and see their reaction? This situation is different as I still like them as my family and I want to continue to visit them but don't want to weird out the other party. I literally dream about our future and how she's going to need to move to my side of the world and adapt to my lifestyle, our future kids and how I'm going to be able to take care of her financially as well because of the age gap like when she graduates college, I'm already settled into a job working full time and reaching financial freedom and things of that sort. So how do I approach this guys? Thanks CC! Should I try bonding with her more and getting her to like me back eventually or should I just keep my distance and slow my role because that's still family... also I plan on staying at her house for about a month but if her family decides to come to NYC for vacation, then I'll be here with them hanging out so it could be me going to them or them coming to me, whichever is planned...

Edited by anonymouc

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Proceed following your own heart and intuition.  As far as family goes, if you decide to pursue her, it would probably help if you got your family to speak to her family.

You didn't mention your ethnic background, is it one that favours cousin-marriages? She's 18 and you're 20, so there's time to relax, grow up more, give it time and figure out whether you want to pursue her or not. There is no rush, you both have your complete lives ahead of you.

Take Care

Ambra

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Hello Ambra, we are both Chinese. I will consider your advice and try to bond a little bit more before I have my feelings settled. My family would be against it if it was first cousin but because it’s second cousin and I never really was raised around her, they consider it to be okay. Thanks Ambra! 

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anonymouc,

 It's been a while since I've been on here, but I feel compelled to reply. I will first say I agree with everything Ambra said. Beyond that, I think it's time to either come clean about your feelings to your parents the next time they bring it up, OR, play it off as "At first I wasn't so interested, but since you keep bringing it up, now you have me thinking about it..." Gives you a little wiggle room, and, after all, it IS the truth. If THEY are bringing it up, trust me when I tell you that they WON'T think you're weird......

 You are in a quite enviable position as compared to many, if not most, people here, in that your family is encouraging it. Take all the help you can get, TRUST ME. As Ambra said, this will be much easier if they will talk to her parents. Who knows, maybe they already have. It could be HER parents who brought it up to yours. You will never know until you stop dismissing the idea when they ask. You ARE interested, so act like it. If the parents haven't talked yet, it would only be because you are seeming to not be interested.

 I would suggest the line I gave earlier the next time the topic is raised. THEN, I would want you to show your maturity, and take it further. Tell them that you realize you are still young, and she is younger. Her parents want her to go to school, and you agree totally that she should. Tell them that while you may not be a big fan of "arranged marriages", if them and their cousins (her parents) want to see if she would be interested ONCE SHE'S OUT OF SCHOOL, you would be willing to see where it leads.

 I do not know if "arranged marriages" are so common in China as they are in say, India, but, the fact that a very good percentage of marriages throughout history, and up to this day, are between first and second cousins, are for the exact reasons your parents are emphasizing. Their points are very valid, and I think you should consider their advice. I also have a feeling there is more going on behind the scenes than you know just yet. If you and the cousins hit it off so well, I can assure you that it DID NOT go unnoticed by your and her parents. They have MUCH more experience in matters of the heart than you. They can pick up on even the most subtle of hints that you like your cousin, even if you, OR HER, don't realize you're giving off such a "vibe". I'm not much of a gambling man, but I would take good odds on it. I have a feeling they noticed, her parents brought up that they would like a man like you for her, and yours said, "We'll see what we can do." Now, you also want them to know that if they are going to "wing" for you like this, that you DO NOT want HER parents to put undue pressure on her to "push" her on you, and that you only want them to bring it up for her to consider, and like yours with you, at least listen to the positives before ruling it out. As Ambra and I have both mentioned, you have plenty of time. This isn't a drag race. I personally would like to see you pace this out for at least two years, and see you ~22 years old, and her ~20ish. If she would like to go to school for 4 years, make it 24ish for you, and 22 for her. The more time you take developing the foundation for a relationship, the better odds you have for success. TRUST ME on that as well.

 Which goes to YOUR behavior the next time you are there. You will be able to find time to speak candidly and alone with her. You do not want to seem to be pushy either. But, you DO have the advantage of being able to say "My parents are pretty serious about this, and they have me thinking it may be a good idea, IF, and ONLY IF, you feel the same, and think it would be a good idea too...." Then, see what she says. She may or may not want to go for it. Be prepared for if she doesn't as well. And, be prepared for her maybe not wanting to initially, but coming back later and saying "You know, I've been thinking about this, and ....."

 Either way, take your time, build the friendship to where it lasts regardless, and proceed from there.

Edited by Hawk

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As usual, Hawk (the smartest and wisest man I know!!!!!) has given you the wise and practical advice that will help you.  His is also the "masculine" point of view as well.  

Good luck and do, please. keep us informed.  We're here to support you,

HUGS

Nat

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Wow just wow, in a good way of course. Thank you for the advice Hawk. I appreciate it so much. This past week I’ve been thinking about pursuing my career first and possibly will not see her next year. I just want my life established financially for the upcoming years because if I do take your advice and just if it goes positively, then I will need to figure out the future and things of that sort. I’m trying to keep myself busy for now, that’s all really. Thank you once again Hawk!

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anonymouc,

 Thank you and Nat for the kind words. It's certainly not the first time I've been told I give good advice. I do try to stay modest however. I'm no spring chicken, and I like to say I'm not so good at telling you what you should do, but I'm getting pretty damned good at what NOT to do.🤣🤣🤣 Had there been an internet, and site such as this when I was your age, I dare say me and my second cousin would quite possibly had very different lives than we've had. As in, a life together. Oh well, water under the bridge and all of that.

 Anywho, I DO like the fact that you are not going to let this distract from your career. At the same time, you do not want to focus on it to the detriment of your future potential happiness. You need to go into an in-depth conversation with the parents the next time this is brought up. Find out if they've been talking to her parents. Not that you mind, but, if you're going to be the topic, you would like to be included. You need to be sure they fully understand your desire to get your career in order FIRST, but, want to stay aware of what educational and career progress your cousin is having as well. Once this is aired out, even if her parents may move a little slower with her, you should stay in touch with her. Keep it all "cousinly" and professional, at least until she brings up them mentioning it to her, when and if they do. Let her know you first thought it might be odd, but, after thinking about the plus side, it would make sense. ALWAYS encourage her in her studies. It's been forever since I was a regular here, but, I was known for such advice to younger members, usually younger than you. It went 1)School, 2)Work, 3) Your own place, 4)Go for it, and don't let anyone talk you out of it, INCLUDING YOURSELF. That's the VERY short version.

 Then, you have to consider the long term. Would she be willing to come here? Would you be willing to go there? In the grand scheme, it would be either/or. Our economy is improving. The Asia-Pacific region for the foreseeable future has incredible growth potential. So long as you have your education to a point to have an established career, with a good reputation and work ethic, you can succeed wherever you choose to. Again, way out in front of where you are right now, but something to keep in mind as you start your career. Position yourself in your career to be flexible, and able to adapt to new conditions or locations should you need, or, choose to.  

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Yeah I’ll make sure to not give off such a negative vibe next time the topic is brought up. My mother said it’s not a good idea however my relationship with her is pretty distant as I was raised by my grandparents. I am more closer with my aunts and grandmother who as encouraged and said that it’s okay if I do like her. The girls mother in the past did mention that she will not force or recommend any boys she finds is a good match but she is indeed quite fond of me but more of a son/nephew way. Me and her mother get along quite well but I’m way too afraid to jeapordize the relationship I have with them. I understand that things like this should be taken slowly but my aunts and her mother are cousins and they get along very well and pretty much gossip about everything together despite being in different parts of the world. I just need to figure this one out for a little longer because the girls father also said they might visit the US next summer. I just don’t want to shock her out of the blue and think of me any different. Hawk, did you pursue your cousin or your cousin pursued you? At first, were there any problems such as one person didn’t think of the other in that sort of way? Thanks!!

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anonymouc,

 If your grandmother is encouraging it, all the better. The elders are usually afforded more respect of their opinions.

 As to me and mine, I've went into it many times over the years here, but, it's been a really long time since I've been a regular, and the whole story has been lost to various updates of the site over the years. Even though it's long, it's pretty anti-climatic. I'll go through it though, just to sort of get it back out here.

 So, we are second cousins. Our grandfathers were brothers, and the best of friends. My mother was an only child, and her mother may as well have been. (Her Mom had an older half brother who was in the Navy by the time they were 10-12 yrs old or so) As such, they grew up together, and in a lot of ways were more like sisters. They still are. They drive each other crazy sometimes....LOL They shared a good amount of time together as kids. Our grandpas' youngest brother (the "cool" uncle to them) taught them both to drive. So, they were close, and still talk fairly regularly. At any rate, her mom had a daughter at a fairly young age, but a bit later, married a different man, and they had the cousin I'm very fond of. And, at the same time, my mom had me. They were pregnant at the same time, and we were born a week to the day apart, me being born first. We just turned 56. 

 When we were very young, her dad got a very good job, and they traveled the world. He worked about 3 months out of the year in the Middle East, and they traveled Europe and the Middle East when he was not working. I was always in our small Midwest town. I vaguely remember meeting her and her sister when we were about 5 or so, at her grandpa's place, about an hour away from here. I didn't see them again until we were about 10 or so. We once again went to their place, (since they were back in the States, in her dad's home town, not far from her grandpa's town) and were more formally acquainted. Our Mom's enjoy busting our chops, and I guess it started on that trip. We were playing, running through the house, and they called me and her over to their table. They said "M, tell him your birthday, and Hawk, tell her yours...." So, we did. It took a minute, but in pretty short order, we figured out that our birthdays were one week apart. From that minute on, we were favorite/"best" cousins. Our Mom's started whining about how hot it was the summer they were pregnant with us, and all sorts of other drama, so, we just went back to playing, and didn't listen to the minutia of it all. It didn't matter to us anyhow, we were having fun.

 Along about that time, her grandpa was in the process of retiring, and bought our great grandma's house from my Mom and Dad. We had bought it, but, bought a bigger two story house across the street. ( I have two younger brothers, and Grandma's place was getting "cramped"...LOL) So, her grandma and grandpa sort of half moved down to our town. Along about the same time, her mom and dad got divorced. Just before her grandpa fully retired, he was tragically killed in an auto accident. After that, her mom and the girls moved into the house across the street with their grandma. From that point on, we became close. Almost to the point of siblings. To this day, we refer to them as our "sisters", and they to us as their "brothers". We all played and had big fun. There were no real "romantic" inclinations between us, as we were kids, and I actually had the "kid crush" on her older sister.....LOL Probably part of my chasing older women for years, but THAT is a whole OTHER set of skeletons I'll not be dragging out in the daylight here....🤣🤣🤣

 That said, eventually, we bought a farm out in the country, they moved to a different house, and we didn't see nearly as much of each other. We were both kinda "party animals", and when I was back in town in the home town, our circles overlapped a little, so, we'd bump into each other on occasion. After High School, I got a house back in town. I ran with an older crowd, and so did she. She got a BF several years older than her, and one of the guys I ran with pretty hard was his brother. So, we'd see each other from time to time. At the time, (we were 20) I was bouncing between a girl 5 or 6 years older than me, and one about 4 years younger than me. THAT all came to a big train wreck, so, I decided to be single for a while. At the same time, her and her BF had split up, and she was going to need a ride to work for a few days, until she could either get a car or regular ride. It was (IIRC) a Friday evening when I got a call from her, asking if I could give her a ride to work the next Monday. She HATES the phone, so, I knew it was serious business, and I told her "Sure, no problem." Being a weekend night, I asked what she was doing, and if she wanted to party. (My house was notorious in town for the shenanigans and partying....LOL) She said "Sure, I'm ready." I said "Get your shoes on, I'm on the way" So, we partied a good amount, with a few drinks, and other things I'll also NOT go into here, and generally had a very good time catching up. I'm not sure how to explain it, without coming right out and explaining it, but let's say, one variation on what we were doing can be rather "intimate." As it progressed, our lips actually touched. It was electric, and it caught us both by surprise. Pretty soon, the partying was forgot, and we were kissing directly. One thing led to another in very short order, and she hung out the weekend. She spent the night Sunday night, and we got up early, and I took her home to get ready for work. We walked in, and her Mom was going on about some drama or another. (Her Mom can be quite the "drama queen") So, it took her a minute to realize our hair was all disheveled, and I wouldn't doubt our clothes were on inside out. 🙄 When cuz just ignored her and ran to her room to get ready, it actually clicked with her Mom what was up. I mean, at that point, it's pretty obvious....LOL She stopped talking, her chin hit the coffee table, and she was speechless. No small feat.....LOL So, I walked over and sat down by her, and said "You were saying........?????" She got a huge grin, never said a word about us or our condition, and went right back into whatever her drama was. So, cool on her Mom's part.

 I took her to work, we agreed we'd had fun, and we'd do it some more. So, for the next couple weeks, we ran pretty hard. One night the next weekend, so as to not be disturbed at my place, we went to her best friend's house. She was married to a very good friend of mine, so, we all had a good time. When we left, I didn't want to go back to mine and fend off late night partiers banging on my door, so, when we got to the main road, I went the opposite way. She said "Where are you going?" I said "You'll see". So, I went to the next town over, and got us a room at a newly built motel. It was nice. We had a very good evening, and one of the more memorable nights I've spent with a woman. So, things are progressing well. Then, one evening, she showed up at the house, and said "We can't do this anymore. I can't do this anymore." I said "Why?" She said "We're family...." Not wanting to push her, I let her walk. Shortly after she walked, I told my Mom "Don't be surprised if some day me and cuz don't become an item." She said "So long as you treat her good, and make each other happy, I'll be happy." It made things awkward for DECADES, but, we still (and still do) cared for each other deeply, and life went on. She ended back up with her BF, they got married, had a couple kids, and I ran amok, got married and divorced 3 times, and life went on. She eventually got divorced, and has had a long term BF since not long after that. We were never single at the same time again, so, no more shenanigans.

 In the last few years, quite a lot has happened, but I've got way windy with the back story, and don't really want to do a novel here. Let's just say, totally unrelated, but because of, that back story, I ended up here. At about the same time, she had hit a rough patch, and my Mom encouraged me to go talk to her. She said "She won't listen to her Mom, her kids, her sister, her BF, nobody. She will listen to YOU. " I put it off, because I didn't want to invade her space, and I was married. Within about a year though, things weren't really getting better for her, and I found something of her grandpa's I knew would put a smile on her face, so, me and the wife at the time went to see her. It worked. I lit a fire under her arse, and she's got out and done VERY well for herself since then. There was an occasion where we had an evening and some time alone, and we aired it all out. I actually showed her this site. She agreed whole-heartedly with the advice I was giving younger members, to the point of getting a little misty eyed at one point. So yeah, we aired it out, and it's all good. We agreed we have no stomach for cheating with each other, so, even though I'm single now, there will be no more shenanigans. Her BF can be a (can I say this?) douche, but he's her douche, and she likes him, he's NEVER that way in front of me, and I'm not about to butt in. A few weeks ago, I was working up near where she is now, so, we got in contact and went out for supper. It was nice. The next week, on my birthday, she didn't get my text till later, but I went back to her town for supper, and she met me for a couple drinks, (she had already ate without knowing I was going to be there) and graciously bought my supper. So, yeah, we're still close, but, our chance came and went, and, for the normal reasons, we didn't take it.

That's why I say, back then, had there been an internet, Google, and a site like this, things may have been much different. I actually wanted us to go way South to where her Dad is, but I apparently didn't make that clear enough to her at the time, because I have a feeling she would have done it. She's pretty much said as much. I ended up down there for a while anyhow, and it has paid off in my career choices ever since. Her Dad wouldn't have gave us anything, but, he's done VERY well for himself too, and he would have steered us in a direction for success. Even still, we're doing alright, and it's all good. 

 All of that wall of text said, that's why I tell our younger members to take their time, and lay some groundwork. We had the "friendship" foundation, but, we moved WAY too fast on the physical, without nearly enough communication about possibilities and scenarios for us to actually BE together. Or, the information to pull it off drama free. Obviously, our Mom's would have been fine with it, and probably even tickled with it. Our dad's opinions wouldn't have mattered really. Her dad would have been fine with it, and my dad would have been "Meh", so, yeah. We COULD have went for it, we just didn't know that at the time. People today have this place, and know they can.....

 So, there you have it, and, it's actually been therapeutic with where I am in my life now to spill it all out there again. Thanks for asking......😉

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That's amazing to hear Hawk. I can't thank you enough for sharing your story with me and giving me such great advice. Just yesterday, I admitted that I did indeed have feelings for her to my family. Let's just say that they were expecting me to admit it sometime sooner or later. (You were right about family having the gut feeling know what's up at all times LOL). My family is sort of pushing me little by little to just keep in touch with her and lay down a good friendly relationship foundation whether it's family or seeking a life partner. I talked to my aunts and uncles and decided to still keep it somewhat of a secret and not tell her parents about anything just yet. After all, I did only meet her for a week but to my surprise... my whole family has been planning for this moment since the beginning of this year. Everyone is so supportive of it and I can say that I've never been happier in my life. Now the next thing to do would be obviously me trying to message her and just be friendly and keep things casual. My aunt had the idea of me literally sending her flowers for her birthday but I don't know about that just yet. I told her my plans about wanting to focus on career and school first but they keep insisting that I should just dive right into it saying how I'll never come across someone like her again in my life which I agree to a certain extent. I really never had the support like this until now and it's just a lot of pressure on my end. I don't think I'm really looking for advice but just want to air this out for a little bit and receive some feedback of what people think I should do and just advice in general I guess. Again, THANKS HAWK!! 😁

Edited by anonymouc

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anonymouc,

 I'll venture a guess that SOMEBODY, or several of them, HAVE at the very least mentioned it to her parents. If not, it might be time to let them in on it, because if they aren't already in on it, and might not be quite so crazy about the idea, find out now while there is time for the rest of the family to convince them.

 I'm not real sure about the flowers either. At least a bouquet. Might be a little over the top. A single rose, or perhaps a modest necklace? Nothing too over the top. I do agree you should keep in touch. Have the two of you talked any since the trip? If not, you should, and if so, keep it up. Again, don't go over the top with it, blowing her phone up constantly, but a text or two a week would be fine. You can make it more than that when and if SHE starts contacting you more than that.

All in all, I'd say you'd better get cracking on this career thing.....😎

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Totally agree about the whole career thing.. 

Going back to the whole family talking to her parents, my family assured me that they didn't speak about it just yet because it's still early and in my opinion, my second cousin doesn't need a distraction away from her school work since it's college application time and only 30% of graduates get accepted due to such short amount of college seats. My family developed all these crazy theories about how her parents asked if I was in school or working yet since I got along with them really well from the start but I'm a welcoming and comedic person to anyone I first meet really.

Yeah I'm not going with anything crazy over the top, just a little bouquet. As for the communication thing, I haven't spoke to her yet because school just started but I will message her in the coming week about how school is going and what she's been up to lately. I'm just so afraid that if I message her, she will know the exact reason why I'm doing so and my intentions overall. I'm getting more paranoid about this wondering how she thinks if I were to message her and things of that sort. We both are pretty mysterious and keep things to ourselves but when we talked, it just clicked so well. My family is telling me to try and convince her to study abroad in the US so that I have a better chance lol. One thing I'm keeping in mind though is that I miss all the shots I don't take so I will at least try on my end.

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anonymouc,

 I knew it. I knew her parents had brought it up, even if not fully consciously. They see you as a fine young man, and the wheels started turning. THAT, in turn, started the wheels turning in the REST of the family's mind. You need to SLOWLY start working on the communication. Play a little coy, and don't be too overt with your full feelings, but you will do very well to check on her progress at school at least weekly. After the first few times, try to set a time on the weekend, where both of you would be available to chat for a few minutes, considering the time difference. Something like early morning for you, evening for her, or vice versa. But, figure something out. Maybe Skype, I don't know, I've never used it. But, let her know that if she's not heard from you in a while, feel free to contact you too. And, to let you know if something big happens. (Acing a big test or some such) Let her know if some big step comes your way too. Just keep in touch, stay up on what's going on in each other's lives, and let it play out. You've got a lot more going for you than most. That doesn't mean it's set in stone, so, keep your options open should it not happen. But, I have a feeling that eventually, she's going to be getting she same treatment from her side of the family as you have been. She will want to make them happy, so, she will consider it. You don't want to push her, you want to draw her to you, if that makes sense. I look for her to mention the family talking to her first, BUT, that could be some time in coming. Just say "Yeah, I've heard it on my end too." And then let her go into what she thinks about it. This could be a year or two in the making, or, if they see you two communicating well, they could speak with her sooner. YOU just have to take YOUR time, and let it come to YOU, if it's going to happen......

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Hmmm I never thought of her family asking me questions like those to be in that sort of way because I am the oldest of my generation so it's kind of like one of those "how are you doing at your age" type of questions. Yeah I will try my best to keep in touch. Be the last to say goodbye and not so often to be the one to say hello first, that sort of thing. I never thought about her being so obedient that she will actually listen to her parents and let me have a chance to prove myself that I'm a decent human being despite being a far relative IF they ever mention it to her. I also found out that my aunt and uncle are also second cousins which is why they've been so supportive this whole time. They currently have a healthy girl but unfortunately they also had twins afterwards that were diagnosed with autism. I do not think it is because they were family members and it led to that but because of how the father and mother aren't exactly the greatest parenting adults in the world. My uncle wasn't always around to help her with the twins in general but has been making quite the effort the past few years at least. Since this happened, my mother is totally against me going for my second cousin because she's afraid of my future children being the same way but I've done the research and will keep this a secret from her for awhile. Still as of now, I want to keep this limited to certain members of family as rumors tend to spread quite fast like wild fires. 😶

Usually on these forums, I can update it with how things are going, correct? I don't want to feel like I'm not talking to anyone online and if it does go well, it could be a great success story too. I will most likely make bi-weekly updates on this post and ask for future advice if needed. Thank god I found a site like this...

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