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Skyris

Where do I go from now on? Should I keep in touch with her family, or not?

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I'm not a native English speaker, so please forgive me for any spelling or grammar mistakes.

I was in a secret relationship with my cousin. She's now 19 and I am 21. We live in separate countries, but our families are extremely close, so we see each other (or family relatives) quite often.  We were together for a little less than 4 years, but she broke up with me, telling me she didn't have the same feelings she used to and wanting us to remain friends. The news was devastating for me at the time and I was left heartbroken. Though I agreed to stay friends with her at first (i.e I kept in touch, wished her a happy birthday etc.), the pain was too much for me to handle (I would have anxiety attacks or I would throw up when thinking of her). About 2 months after she broke things off, she sent me a casual message ("Hey! What goes up but never goes down?"), but I didn't allow myself to answer, as I deemed her question to be unimportant and I just didn't want to suffer. This led to a period of NC for about a year.

I felt guilty for ignoring her, so I apologized for my behavior, explaining to her how difficult this breakup was for me. She said she finally understood why I did that and hoped we could stay friends. I did not want her to expect too much of me though, so I told her that I was there for her if she needed me and that I would be cordial to her if I meet her, but she should not expect me to ask her for some news or to have a random discussion with her on WhatsApp. I also wished her a wonderful life. She didn't reply.

My sister and my ex (my cousin) are really close friends (they used to tell each other everything). I think my sis saw how much of a huge toll this breakup was on me. She confessed to me that my ex dated some other guy (another cousin of her) when we were together and that she already thought of leaving me back in 2014 (a year after we got together). I doubt my sis lied to me about it (also because she swore to me all this was true), so I confronted my ex. I sent her a message asking her whether all of this was true. She told me she didn't know what I was told and denied everything. She also said that, though she tried reacting maturely to the situation, no matter what she 'd say from now on, my head would be filled with lies, and that she didn't appreciate having to justify herself for something I was told by others. I said I was sorry for making such assumptions. She didn't reply. After checking in on the guy she supposedly dated (I know... I should have checked earlier), I discovered that he has been married for the last 10 years (and I HIGHLY doubt she would do this with a married guy) . Logical assumption, she lied to my sis, though I wouldn't be able to tell you why (Perhaps to impress her? I'm not sure).

Anyway... I have a very good relationship with my ex's family. They often send me messages and we get along extremely well. My ex's mother (my aunt) (which does not know about what happened between us) came to visit us about a month ago, and told me that if I ever needed money (for university or smth else), I could count on her for being there to support me. I mean, this is just an example, but most of them (if not all of them) genuinely care a lot for me (I have closer relationships with her family then she does with mine). I've always had nice relationships with them, even before dating my ex. It does make me feel weird though, as I feel like if they knew what happened they would not treat with the same respect and love. Both my ex and I know that if this story gets out, this is going to damage the relationships of both of our families, and we both agreed to be silent about it.

Also, I don't know what to expect when we meet again. I guess both of us will try to avoid each other as much as possible. This is going to seem weird to both of our families, as people know (or rather think) that we are friends and expect us to talk as much as we used to. This is going to put both of us in a bad spot.

So, what do you think I should do from now on ? Sometimes I wonder if me taking my distances with her family is not better for her. I am not making things easy on her and I might eventually put  her on a bad spot. On the other hand, I've invested a lot of time and energy into building good relationships with my aunt, uncle and my other cousins (her brothers and sisters) and I don't want to throw it all away. I love them (platonically), and I do not want to lose them in my life. So I can either make a selfless decision and I sacrifice my relationship with her family, or I can be selfish and make things harder for her. Honestly, I don't like the outcomes of both these scenarios. What do you think I should do?    

Edited by Skyris

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Skyris,

 Be cordial with the family as you always have, and civil with the ex when you are in her presence. There is no need for the family (the ones who do not know) to ever know, and there is no need for you to communicate with the ex. Go no contact, and only show common courtesy when in her presence. She made that decision for you, knowing you would be devastated, and doing it anyhow. Now, she might like to assuage her guilt by trying to remain friends, not realizing, or not caring, that doing so causes you further pain. Move on, find someone who WILL fight for you, keep the family in your heart, and pray she finds what she wants too. But, if she let one good thing slip away, she'll do it again, or settle for lesser. Just remember though, that is NOT your problem, it's hers. Bed Made Lie. 

 

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