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poofynutt

Now I don't know how to face my first cousin.

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I have a vague memory of us playing inside doll houses when we were kids. Cycling with our other cousins. We even spied on our elder siblings and exchanged stories. Times were good with her when we were just innocent kids.
I started having feelings for her during middle school. By then, She started spending more time with our older cousins and were more interested in their guy-girl topics. My nerdy ways showed her no interests. Not that she stopped approaching me but we created no sparks. I would remind her that we are of the same age. She always had this reply that women mature up faster than men. Overtime, that was exactly how she saw me. 
Soon, she was in a relation with a high school guy. While I was still desperately giving her obsessive and needy/pushy text messages. But all I got was 'not revealing too much' replies. I was angry and hurt. I even turned out to be spineless when it came to protecting her from other assholes. 
We joined colleges in the same city. She used to call me once a month to catch up with my life. Our conversations were small and nothing great. But I used to text her again and again and still she gave no special interests. I was still hurt. She very well knew about my intentions but tried not to show it and instead bro-zoned me more than ever.
One day she calls and tells me she was going out with a guy who she lately came to find out was my roommate. She asked if I had any problems with it and I said No. Turns out this roomie was doing a lot of stupid things around her back. I complained to her but she never believed me.
I start reading their private messages. They were exchanging a lot of dirty talks. They sometimes slept on the same beds too. On the other hand my cousin who used to call me once a month was now calling me everyday and getting all guilty.  She was even ready to open up about her past relationships which she declined to say previously in middle school. My replies were still not cool for her and she was all UGH! about it. She was getting friendlier like never before because of him. That was so unreal. So I stopped making contact with her because I lost her respect. Seeing my absence she tried to call me but I slipped away from her for a year. But I was always thinking about her.

Her parents came to know I wasn't meeting her and they got concerned with me. Her brother even told me I didn't deserve a cousin like her. Her sister said I was not fun at parties and I am out of her league. My cousin now insults me for being lame. She said I was useless and spineless. She even said I was so naive and nerdy and complaint me reading books and doing nothing. One day I fought with my big brother and he spilled to me in anger that they all knew that I was in love with my first cousin. I don't know. did she complain it to the family? But why? If she hated me for loving her, why didn't she come to me and complain about it? Why hold the grudge and insult behind me?

My cousin got arranged and engaged to a geek. She saw me again after a year and asked me how I was . I just smiled at her and said nothing. she replied 'Got nothing to say, right? I know you are just useless'. She even added she was glad she was not getting married to a psycho, at least. (I felt that was referred to me). Seeing her again after a long time made me text her that night. So I asked her about my roomie. She said she was never close with him and she had a bad feeling about him since the beginning. I asked what about telling me all that - 'He was so like me, He is so cute and all that Love messages she gave him. She replied she doesn't remember anything and she even said I might think she was lying. She said it was all in the past and she's engaged now and she might've done a lot of stupid things and it was my responsibility to point her mistakes. She said she would've stopped seeing my friend if I would've told in the first place and asked me to forgive me.

We met twice after that in parties. On one occasion while leaving from the party, she asked me why I wasn't talking to her. I didn't reply but waited for her to leave. Seeing her again made my mind in unrest. So I blocked her on Instagram. But changed my mind and requested her again. She never accepted my request anyway. On other occasion I was invited to her house and while entering I gave her the handshake. I was holding on to it for song long that she told me to leave her hand. Even though we bumped into each other time to time, it was awkward and we didn't say anything to each other. At one point she was mumbling at me that her life is over and serving dishes is all she got.

Now I am trying to forget her. I have decided I won't go to her wedding. She always outsmarts me. We may bump into each other again. How do I outsmart her by being clever instead of naive? If I keep quite also she is going to fire bullets anyway. I need my self esteem. I don't want people like her to manipulate me. 

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