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Help me.. I dont know what should I do anymore... It really hurts... :(

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I'm really hurt... I dont know what to do.. I do have a relationship with my 1st cousin... I dont know how did it happened all I remember that I was 12 years old he was my Idol... then it turns out to be my crush, then puppy love, first love and then my true love... now I'm 25 turning 26 next month and he's already 33 years old. We are almost like a married couple, whenever he's here in our country because he's a seaman.. we get a chances that we wanted to be together always.. however due to circumstances of what we have he told me that we cannot be together... I know that from start that its wrong but I cant help it... I really really do love him... he's always pushing me away... we fought because of his flirtations with other girls since he's a seaman.. Also we fought regarding he's online then he's not sending me a simple greeting or simple message? I thought I'm his girlfriend but I guess I'm wrong... We always fought because of our distance he's not communicating well... :(

Then one time i do have this woman instinct, I dont know why, he's always online via fb or viber or wechat or skype... he's always online but he's not sending me a message, he's not calling me anymore.. then that's the time I tried my best to hack his fb account and it really hurts what i saw thru all of his messages... Its his flirtations to 2 girls.. he's courting them at the same time... then while he's chatting with them I confront him telling him I'm seeing the things he's telling the 2 girls... he mentioned that if i do really love him I should choose between the girls he's courting.. it was like what??! are you crazy? I want him for myself then he's telling me to choose between them? While he's courting them he message me that he really do love me but we cant be together... I know for a fact that he's really a player but then I accept him open arms thou I know our situation, he said that he will change over a period of time... but I guess I'm wrong.. While browsing the messages the sad part I read that while we're together last june... he mentioned to one girl the one he's thinking to meet this coming march to be her girlfriend... he told her that he's still thinking of her everytime... i was like! what the? we're together there then all of a sudden the one I see that message to her? like oh my.. it really hurts.. :(

I really dont know what to do... I think he doesnt really care at me at all and he's just playing with my feelings.. he's already 33 yrs old and super desperate to have a girlfriend or wife... I dont know.. its just that he wanted to have a family but not in me because of our situation...  it really hurts... My life for me as of the moment is really miserable I wanna cry I wanna shout and everything but I cant since our family dont know our relationship.. I wanted to cry but I'm giving them my smiles...  My lovelife is really messed up now my work I'm having trouble to reach my quotas.. I'm not performing well..  thou I'm physically present but my mind is drifting away...  Hoping that my feelings will be gone... as in GONE... coz I dont know what to do anymore... I think I'm at my limit... Honestly I told him that I cannot take it seeing him with other girl or if he have other girlfriend or worst a wife... I'm imagining things that he's already here and he's with the one he previously flirted with him via fb and they wanted to be officially on thru FB!? I dont know what to do anymore... It really hurts...

I wanted to take away this pain.. honestly I wanted to end my life but I guess I'm still afraid of God but I cant take it anymore.. I really really do love him... but I guess he dont love me at all... He just played with my feelings.. right now I wanted to take away all this pain... I dont know what to do anymore... I dont know what to do... :(

Right now he's aboard I wanted to text him, to send him a message via fb, to talk with him via skype, wechat or viber... any means of communications but then he's not responding because he doesnt care at me at all.. :( so sad... it really hurts...

I'm thinking that what's happening to me? why i keep chasing someone who doesnt love me at all? Why I still do love him inspite of the things he done for me...hurtful things... Why still I waiting for someone who wont come back to me at all... I dont know what to do anymore... I wanted to be free from this pain.. I wanted to run and never come back... :(


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