Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
A.R Wright

How should I tell my cousin...or should I

Recommended Posts

This is a continuation of an incredibly long story that I told back in 2017. I entitled it had to get it off my chest nowhere else to turn. From that point I got a lot of great advice but things have taken a bit of a strange turn. A brief background my cousin and I have known each other our entire lives. I've been in love with him since I was small and after being out of touch for quite some time we reconnected about 5 years ago at my great uncle's birthday. Things went okay from there we stayed in touch texted and I even went on a date of sorts with him. I went out to the suburbs where he lives and we shared a coffee. Without going off the rails and writing down my life story we are seeing each other again this Christmas. I haven't seen him for two years now. for the first year after I saw him at Christmas two years ago things were fairly normal in the sense that we would text back and forth and even though he was more stoic than he used to be he seems like he genuinely cared. At this point it has been 4 months since we have had any contact. I have no idea what's going on in his life anymore and I'm feeling a little sad that we have lost touch. Unfortunately I'm still deeply in love with him. Is there any purpose in telling him? Getting straight to the point how do I tell him or should I just keep it to myself now. When we saw each other two years ago he was very flirtatious and allowed me to touch him stroke his hair and when we went on our one and only date before he left he looked at me as if he was going to kiss me and left. Sometimes I tend to read into things but our history that we have together suggests otherwise. I don't really know what to do. Should I tell him? Or would this just make the shattered remains of our relationship even worse. I don't want to make things worse between him but I've been holding this weight on my chest for very very long time. 

 

Thank you for all of your help.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I strongly suggest you to wait, until you see him and find out about what is going on in his life (whether he is seeing someone or not). You might be tempted to share your feelings, but don't be a fool. Someone might tell you to take a leap of faith, because it sounds so nice and positive and it is encouraging. But, honestly don't make a move unless you are 99% sure that he is into you, why do you want to risk your current relationship because of your temptations? 

Just a couple more weeks and you will see him, until then hold on!! Lol

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you for your response! I've been so nervous about this day. we're going to a family gathering in the suburbs where he lives.

I guess that's what I don't want to find out. I have no idea if he started to see somebody. I guess I'm just so in love with him I'm hoping that's not the case. for about a year we talked flirtatiously and he became progressively more stoic as the months went on and more formal in his response. it is very confusing when someone acts one way when you were with them and communicates with you another. When I saw him he was very warm and loving. But now I feel out in the cold. I am very nervous but I think you were right the only way to tell him is in person. It's challenging because it's a big family gathering but I'm going to try and build up the courage and take him aside and tell him how I feel. but before I do that I will definitely ask about what's going on with him. And why he's been out of contact. I'm going to try not to be too confrontational but I just want to know. Why the switch from warm loving man too cold and stoic and formal. I I'm very grateful for this forum. My family is especially conservative and saying that I am in love with my cousin would not go over well with them at all. So this is the only place I can really discuss it. 🙂

Edited by A.R Wright

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Just my .02 worth, but is there a chance you read way too much into his behavior and let your imagination and feelings

run away with your heart??  Maybe he never had any other feelings other than cousin-ly towards you.  I'm not trying to be 

harsh or rain on you, just another perspective. 

My advice would be to not tell him anything about your feelings until you have had a chance to see what is going on with him.

There may be a chance he never meant to lead you on and didn't realize or feel his "flirtatiousness" ( is that a word? :))

was being taken wrong.

 

I wish you the best in coming to terms with your situation.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

From my blurb it definitely sounds like I have. And for the past little while I definitely feel like Imy only indication that he did is that we did actually have a sexual encounter some time ago. We didn't go all the way but things happened. I won't go to an explicit detail and I will keep this PG-13 but it didn't make me feel like maybe there's something between us. As children we summered up north and spent all of our time together. I imagined we were just close friends which we were. so there is a possibility I'm letting my feelings run away with me. It's me that's been in love with him for years and I never knew if it was the other way around or not. It's hard when you're so blinded by love you can't really see proper perspective. 

I think in a way I was just being a bit selfish. It destroys you to feel a true deep overwhelming unrequited love for somebody for so many years and I just wanted to get it off my chest. I figured what have I got to lose? We don't see each other often anymore. We used to see each other Thanksgiving and for 2 months when my family spent summers at our home up north. But that is very much in the past. 

 

I think what led me there was more the dynamics that we've had with each other's last time we've seen each other. He spends most of his time staring at me and maybe that's just him being awkward. on the one awkward date we had allowed me to touch his hair and stroke his hands. There was one strange moment where I thought he was going to kiss me and didn't. So this could just be another case of a runaway heart. 

 

I'll keep things like this Christmas and see how it goes. I guess it's more like a twisted knife that I just wanted to pull out of my chest.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
46 minutes ago, A.R Wright said:

From my blurb it definitely sounds like I have. And for the past little while I definitely feel like Imy only indication that he did is that we did actually have a sexual encounter some time ago. We didn't go all the way but things happened. I won't go to an explicit detail and I will keep this PG-13 but it didn't make me feel like maybe there's something between us. As children we summered up north and spent all of our time together. I imagined we were just close friends which we were. so there is a possibility I'm letting my feelings run away with me. It's me that's been in love with him for years and I never knew if it was the other way around or not. It's hard when you're so blinded by love you can't really see proper perspective. 

I think in a way I was just being a bit selfish. It destroys you to feel a true deep overwhelming unrequited love for somebody for so many years and I just wanted to get it off my chest. I figured what have I got to lose? We don't see each other often anymore. We used to see each other Thanksgiving and for 2 months when my family spent summers at our home up north. But that is very much in the past. 

 

I think what led me there was more the dynamics that we've had with each other's last time we've seen each other. He spends most of his time staring at me and maybe that's just him being awkward. on the one awkward date we had allowed me to touch his hair and stroke his hands. There was one strange moment where I thought he was going to kiss me and didn't. So this could just be another case of a runaway heart. 

 

I'll keep things like this Christmas and see how it goes. I guess it's more like a twisted knife that I just wanted to pull out of my chest.

 

 

Here is what happened to me this year:

I saw my cousin at two different occasions and the way he stared at me, I thought he was interested in me. At that time, I was not 100% sure that he was still talking to his gf. I picked up the wrong signals and ended up looking like a fool. My cousin is really stupid, he don't mind staring at me in public and he don't mind listening to my conversations (his behaviour is sneaky). All of sudden, this guy decides to show up with his gf at my house (not going to forgive him for what he did). 

Some people are stupid and coward, don't make yourself look desperate and stupid. Maybe there is nothing to lose for you, but I lost my self respect, I was so disgusted because I ended up looking like a desperate person. My advise is not to trust his flirtatious behaviour, some men just like to take pleasure in flirting. I am not going to look into my cousins eyes, he broke my trust.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What an incredible jerk! I am so sorry that that happened to you. He wasjust being a total a****** by doing that. It sounds like he knew how you felt and rubbed it in your face.

well I don't think I would ever want to speak to him again. And I totally understand you're broken trust. I would not trust somebody like that either. I'm going to try and keep things light at this Christmas. It's going to be a very big gathering 35 + people so getting him alone might be difficult. in all honesty we haven't been in touch for the past 3 months. Though I have texted him just to say hello he never responded. So I'm probably not going to do any over-the-top love confession which to be frank was my original plan. I just wanted to get it off my chest it hurts so much it hurts so so much being so in love with him for such a long time. 

I think I'll just ask him about his life and see if if there's anything that used to be there still there. We used to care for each other deeply and I only hope that still the case but who knows. People do change after all

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

He was always like that but, I was being an ignorant. His actions speaks volumes, so what he feels is of little importance at this stage of life. What am I going to do with his feelings alone? He may be reading all this, but would never say a thing or do anything. He just want me to secretly admire him lol, and at the same time he wants to have a good life with his gf. 

Anyway, it's not like we were in a committed relationship. There was no cheating from either side, it was a mutual decision to go separate ways. He was the one who could not live without his family and it was his decision to not to mess what we have and leave our relationship (cousins) as it is. At that time I was too naive and forgave him, but it is stupid to kiss and then say "forget what happpend and let's not ruin it". No doubt he has feelings for me, but I can't call it love because he never gave me that respect and I really don't want a relationship which lacks mutual respect.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It's almost bizarre how similar situations are! I totally get how you feel about the whole mutual respect thing. In my case I don't think he has a girlfriend at this point though I am unsure. He has had many casual short-lived relationships in the past few years. But what really got me is his lack of respect for me. a few months ago his father had a fall off the roof of his summer home and I texted him asking how his father was. He never responded to this. This to me was just unfathomable. I would respond to a message like this even if it came from my worst enemy. So at this point I am just angry. 

To be honest at this point I'm a little bit apathetic about seeing him. For almost two years literally he was all I could think about. I dreamt about him I thought about seeing him. I even had fantasies about what our marriage and our children would be like. But everything that's happened has made me think otherwise. It seems like I've become just a background character in his life. As for the intimacy, we used to play this game where we would go off into the wilderness where we both summered and played something along the likes of doctor. Though unlike you and your cousin we never shared a kiss we spent all summers like peas in a pod always two steps beside each other. 

 

I am beginning to ramble wistfully but I guess I am coming to terms with the fact that the best idea would be likely not to divulge my feelings for him. particularly since it's starting to become clear that he doesn't feel the same way. Otherwise he would have made an effort to keep in contact. I don't know if he will ever see this and even if he did I don't think he would care. and you are right it's important to hold out for someone who respects you and treats you properly and not to settle for someone who doesn't even if you love them with all your heart. 

I totally understandand the feeling of being unable to forget. It sounds like he was being a coward and my cousin is being one as well.

 

Edited by A.R Wright

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

  • Similar Content

    • By StarTrek80
      So my 2nd cousin is coming out for vacation and we’ve been talking over the phone for the last several months before she gets here to New York. I have a crush on her, but not sure she is interested in me. During our talks she has said she wants to do molly with me and get super drunk. She said that she is down for anything, knows we are going to be sleeping in the same bed when she comes out. We’re both in our late 30’s, and the family is not really a factor. We’ve seen each other maybe a total of four times our whole lives but have always kept in touch  
      She’s been sending me pics of what she’s going to wear when she’s out here, telling me things like her butt is hanging out of her romper and that she needs help from me zipping her dresses up. 
      Then there are moments when she completely shuts down and I don’t hear from her for a couple of days. Then she will hit me back up like nothing happened... however yesterday she was extremely short with me, and I didn’t hear from her today. I’m giving her whatever space she needs.
      We have already planned a trip for Australia together in the winter and again she knows we’re sharing a bed, and it’s just going to be us and another trip to France in the summer. She says things like “What if you find someone, you won’t want to go with me” and I’ll reply with the same question and she’ll say she never wants to date again  
      She’s single and I’m single... no kids.
      So I guess my question is, does it sound like she’s open to whatever happens when she comes out here? Knowing she is down to drink and do molly with me, staying in the same bed, chatting back and forth etc, or is she just coming out to have a good time? Am I reading too much into the partying aspect of the trip? 
      She has never alluded to wanting to hook up, but would she? I’ve never alluded either.
       
       
    • By Dovey
      Hi. So, I’m currently 14, and so is my second cousin. (who I’ve known only less than a year now) Now, I know I seem somewhat juvenile for this type of this discussion, but I’m in dire need of help. See, the thing is, nowadays, it’s pretty clear that kids as young as 12 have relationships. Most of the time, they don’t last, it’s obvious, but I have feelings for my second cousin that I’m certain I’ve had for nobody before, nor do I think I can have them for anyone else. She’s beautiful. But that wasn’t the first thing I noticed. We met at an amusement park, when our parents introduced us to each other no less than a year ago. What I noticed first about her was that she seemed bothered. Worried, distressed, and I immediately felt the same way—at least the way that she looked. Now, she lives in the US. I’m US born, but I temporarily live in another country until about 11th grade. 
      Consider it what you may, a “long distance relationship” or whatever, but this makes me even more distressed. See, this was the day after they’d come from America. They did a lot that day, and maybe, just maybe she was simply exhausted from all the activities they did. 
      A few days after, they were still here, we met again. She looked the same way through their stay here. She constantly has this look of ponder. This daydreaming sort of physical characteristic. But it doesn’t bother me at all. For all I’m concerned, if something is going with her, I’d stand up for her and protect her from whatever is to happen. 
      So, as I said it’s only a little less than a year we know each other now. We went to their house in Fl for a few days in December though, I learnt that we’re actually pretty close. Yet, I fear it could be that she only treats me this way because she thinks of me as simply her “cousin” don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing bad about that, it’s just that she might not really feel as a feel for her because of this. I see her as a stranger. A stranger who’s simply disguised as a “second cousin”. This seems to me to be a challenge put in place by fate to exercise my heart in hopes of seeing how strong - willed I really am. Know you must, she’s my only second cousin, who’s my age. Well, frankly she’s my only cousin in general, who is my age. First and second cousins alike. 
      Cousins are supposed to feel like a distant sibling, there to give advice, moral support, empathy, but she doesn’t only do that. We’ve known each other for a measly 9 months yet, I feel like I can tell her anything. Well, at least almost, everything. I feel as though, if I were to say anything to her about how I feel, our extremely short-lived relationship would come crashing down. Like an ancient stone abode built by hand, but after centuries of love, war, death and well, age. That’s right, I’m comparing a 9-month old relationship with my second cousin to basically any structure in what was the magnificent Pompeii. I’m 14. That’s what I do. Dramatize holy crapoly!. 
      To extend on that point I made, about her looking somewhat, distraught or maybe distracted by something, god forbid someone, well, my first instinct was to help. I wanted to help her. Hold her. Console her. She always has this look, and I love it. I think I understand now, that it’s most likely the way she acts. It’s an unconscious habit for her. It doesn’t turn me off in the least.
      Her entire persona, by the way, hand in hand blends with mine. We’ve texted nearly every second of every day since that last time we met, when I was on Christmas break, at their house in Fl. I didn’t get to hold her, yet every time we say goodbye to each other, she hugs me. SHE hugs ME. I don’t even offer a hug, reason being, if I do, chances are, I’m gonna ask her to marry me. Her hugs feel amazing, yet, totally off-putting. What if it’s because she likes me too? Yay...? Then again, we live like 8,000 miles apart, and when either of us goes away, we go away. For like a couple months. So it’s likely, the hugging could be just a friendly gesture of saying goodbye. Which, without a doubt, sucks.
       
      So we text a lot. We hang out a lot. How do I approach her? ( if I should) See, I’m a afraid she could find a relationship with someone else soon, if I don’t act fast. While she’s single, while she’s young, I want to tell her how I feel. I wish to have my first kiss with her. On sexual terms, maybe even lose our virginities to one another. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Please, help. I need someone to talk to about this.
    • By Zachary
      I wanna at least try to start some kind of romantic relationship with my second cousin. I don't want to waste my life without ever actually trying at least once. I've known her since I was young and we've been attracted to each other since we first met. Something broke in me when I found out we were related. It lead me toward a long path of depression because I knew the chances of us being together were almost nonexistent, and it's only gotten worse with time. She feels the same or at least she's told me so numerous times. The problem is I think she's too scared to try. Maybe misinformed on the matter of cousin relationships and their genetic closeness as well. This is a delicate matter that could lead to either good things or horrible things. I'm having trouble figuring out how to talk to her and make her come around if she can. And if not, well at least I'll know for sure that I was doomed from the start. It will hurt like nothing else ever has but at least I tried. 
      Don't have the money or insurance for counseling. Like was the last suggestion in my other post. Wish I did though. I'm ready to complain to someone for a change.
×
×
  • Create New...