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A.R Wright

How should I tell my cousin...or should I

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This is a continuation of an incredibly long story that I told back in 2017. I entitled it had to get it off my chest nowhere else to turn. From that point I got a lot of great advice but things have taken a bit of a strange turn. A brief background my cousin and I have known each other our entire lives. I've been in love with him since I was small and after being out of touch for quite some time we reconnected about 5 years ago at my great uncle's birthday. Things went okay from there we stayed in touch texted and I even went on a date of sorts with him. I went out to the suburbs where he lives and we shared a coffee. Without going off the rails and writing down my life story we are seeing each other again this Christmas. I haven't seen him for two years now. for the first year after I saw him at Christmas two years ago things were fairly normal in the sense that we would text back and forth and even though he was more stoic than he used to be he seems like he genuinely cared. At this point it has been 4 months since we have had any contact. I have no idea what's going on in his life anymore and I'm feeling a little sad that we have lost touch. Unfortunately I'm still deeply in love with him. Is there any purpose in telling him? Getting straight to the point how do I tell him or should I just keep it to myself now. When we saw each other two years ago he was very flirtatious and allowed me to touch him stroke his hair and when we went on our one and only date before he left he looked at me as if he was going to kiss me and left. Sometimes I tend to read into things but our history that we have together suggests otherwise. I don't really know what to do. Should I tell him? Or would this just make the shattered remains of our relationship even worse. I don't want to make things worse between him but I've been holding this weight on my chest for very very long time. 

 

Thank you for all of your help.

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I strongly suggest you to wait, until you see him and find out about what is going on in his life (whether he is seeing someone or not). You might be tempted to share your feelings, but don't be a fool. Someone might tell you to take a leap of faith, because it sounds so nice and positive and it is encouraging. But, honestly don't make a move unless you are 99% sure that he is into you, why do you want to risk your current relationship because of your temptations? 

Just a couple more weeks and you will see him, until then hold on!! Lol

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Thank you for your response! I've been so nervous about this day. we're going to a family gathering in the suburbs where he lives.

I guess that's what I don't want to find out. I have no idea if he started to see somebody. I guess I'm just so in love with him I'm hoping that's not the case. for about a year we talked flirtatiously and he became progressively more stoic as the months went on and more formal in his response. it is very confusing when someone acts one way when you were with them and communicates with you another. When I saw him he was very warm and loving. But now I feel out in the cold. I am very nervous but I think you were right the only way to tell him is in person. It's challenging because it's a big family gathering but I'm going to try and build up the courage and take him aside and tell him how I feel. but before I do that I will definitely ask about what's going on with him. And why he's been out of contact. I'm going to try not to be too confrontational but I just want to know. Why the switch from warm loving man too cold and stoic and formal. I I'm very grateful for this forum. My family is especially conservative and saying that I am in love with my cousin would not go over well with them at all. So this is the only place I can really discuss it. 🙂

Edited by A.R Wright

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Just my .02 worth, but is there a chance you read way too much into his behavior and let your imagination and feelings

run away with your heart??  Maybe he never had any other feelings other than cousin-ly towards you.  I'm not trying to be 

harsh or rain on you, just another perspective. 

My advice would be to not tell him anything about your feelings until you have had a chance to see what is going on with him.

There may be a chance he never meant to lead you on and didn't realize or feel his "flirtatiousness" ( is that a word? :))

was being taken wrong.

 

I wish you the best in coming to terms with your situation.

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From my blurb it definitely sounds like I have. And for the past little while I definitely feel like Imy only indication that he did is that we did actually have a sexual encounter some time ago. We didn't go all the way but things happened. I won't go to an explicit detail and I will keep this PG-13 but it didn't make me feel like maybe there's something between us. As children we summered up north and spent all of our time together. I imagined we were just close friends which we were. so there is a possibility I'm letting my feelings run away with me. It's me that's been in love with him for years and I never knew if it was the other way around or not. It's hard when you're so blinded by love you can't really see proper perspective. 

I think in a way I was just being a bit selfish. It destroys you to feel a true deep overwhelming unrequited love for somebody for so many years and I just wanted to get it off my chest. I figured what have I got to lose? We don't see each other often anymore. We used to see each other Thanksgiving and for 2 months when my family spent summers at our home up north. But that is very much in the past. 

 

I think what led me there was more the dynamics that we've had with each other's last time we've seen each other. He spends most of his time staring at me and maybe that's just him being awkward. on the one awkward date we had allowed me to touch his hair and stroke his hands. There was one strange moment where I thought he was going to kiss me and didn't. So this could just be another case of a runaway heart. 

 

I'll keep things like this Christmas and see how it goes. I guess it's more like a twisted knife that I just wanted to pull out of my chest.

 

 

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46 minutes ago, A.R Wright said:

From my blurb it definitely sounds like I have. And for the past little while I definitely feel like Imy only indication that he did is that we did actually have a sexual encounter some time ago. We didn't go all the way but things happened. I won't go to an explicit detail and I will keep this PG-13 but it didn't make me feel like maybe there's something between us. As children we summered up north and spent all of our time together. I imagined we were just close friends which we were. so there is a possibility I'm letting my feelings run away with me. It's me that's been in love with him for years and I never knew if it was the other way around or not. It's hard when you're so blinded by love you can't really see proper perspective. 

I think in a way I was just being a bit selfish. It destroys you to feel a true deep overwhelming unrequited love for somebody for so many years and I just wanted to get it off my chest. I figured what have I got to lose? We don't see each other often anymore. We used to see each other Thanksgiving and for 2 months when my family spent summers at our home up north. But that is very much in the past. 

 

I think what led me there was more the dynamics that we've had with each other's last time we've seen each other. He spends most of his time staring at me and maybe that's just him being awkward. on the one awkward date we had allowed me to touch his hair and stroke his hands. There was one strange moment where I thought he was going to kiss me and didn't. So this could just be another case of a runaway heart. 

 

I'll keep things like this Christmas and see how it goes. I guess it's more like a twisted knife that I just wanted to pull out of my chest.

 

 

Here is what happened to me this year:

I saw my cousin at two different occasions and the way he stared at me, I thought he was interested in me. At that time, I was not 100% sure that he was still talking to his gf. I picked up the wrong signals and ended up looking like a fool. My cousin is really stupid, he don't mind staring at me in public and he don't mind listening to my conversations (his behaviour is sneaky). All of sudden, this guy decides to show up with his gf at my house (not going to forgive him for what he did). 

Some people are stupid and coward, don't make yourself look desperate and stupid. Maybe there is nothing to lose for you, but I lost my self respect, I was so disgusted because I ended up looking like a desperate person. My advise is not to trust his flirtatious behaviour, some men just like to take pleasure in flirting. I am not going to look into my cousins eyes, he broke my trust.

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What an incredible jerk! I am so sorry that that happened to you. He wasjust being a total a****** by doing that. It sounds like he knew how you felt and rubbed it in your face.

well I don't think I would ever want to speak to him again. And I totally understand you're broken trust. I would not trust somebody like that either. I'm going to try and keep things light at this Christmas. It's going to be a very big gathering 35 + people so getting him alone might be difficult. in all honesty we haven't been in touch for the past 3 months. Though I have texted him just to say hello he never responded. So I'm probably not going to do any over-the-top love confession which to be frank was my original plan. I just wanted to get it off my chest it hurts so much it hurts so so much being so in love with him for such a long time. 

I think I'll just ask him about his life and see if if there's anything that used to be there still there. We used to care for each other deeply and I only hope that still the case but who knows. People do change after all

 

 

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He was always like that but, I was being an ignorant. His actions speaks volumes, so what he feels is of little importance at this stage of life. What am I going to do with his feelings alone? He may be reading all this, but would never say a thing or do anything. He just want me to secretly admire him lol, and at the same time he wants to have a good life with his gf. 

Anyway, it's not like we were in a committed relationship. There was no cheating from either side, it was a mutual decision to go separate ways. He was the one who could not live without his family and it was his decision to not to mess what we have and leave our relationship (cousins) as it is. At that time I was too naive and forgave him, but it is stupid to kiss and then say "forget what happpend and let's not ruin it". No doubt he has feelings for me, but I can't call it love because he never gave me that respect and I really don't want a relationship which lacks mutual respect.

 

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It's almost bizarre how similar situations are! I totally get how you feel about the whole mutual respect thing. In my case I don't think he has a girlfriend at this point though I am unsure. He has had many casual short-lived relationships in the past few years. But what really got me is his lack of respect for me. a few months ago his father had a fall off the roof of his summer home and I texted him asking how his father was. He never responded to this. This to me was just unfathomable. I would respond to a message like this even if it came from my worst enemy. So at this point I am just angry. 

To be honest at this point I'm a little bit apathetic about seeing him. For almost two years literally he was all I could think about. I dreamt about him I thought about seeing him. I even had fantasies about what our marriage and our children would be like. But everything that's happened has made me think otherwise. It seems like I've become just a background character in his life. As for the intimacy, we used to play this game where we would go off into the wilderness where we both summered and played something along the likes of doctor. Though unlike you and your cousin we never shared a kiss we spent all summers like peas in a pod always two steps beside each other. 

 

I am beginning to ramble wistfully but I guess I am coming to terms with the fact that the best idea would be likely not to divulge my feelings for him. particularly since it's starting to become clear that he doesn't feel the same way. Otherwise he would have made an effort to keep in contact. I don't know if he will ever see this and even if he did I don't think he would care. and you are right it's important to hold out for someone who respects you and treats you properly and not to settle for someone who doesn't even if you love them with all your heart. 

I totally understandand the feeling of being unable to forget. It sounds like he was being a coward and my cousin is being one as well.

 

Edited by A.R Wright

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