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LanaC

Hi all!! My story!!

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Hi all!! I'm a newbie! I'm so happy to have found this place.

Mine is a bit of a long story, I'd love to get some feedback to it all!!

So I'm 29, my first cousin, let's call him A, is 40.

I cannot remember when the feelings started exactly. He lived in a small town and we only saw his family once a year or so. It wasn't until he came to our town to go to university that things started.

I was about 8 or 9 when he moved here. He used to come over to our place every Sunday to have a real meal and do his laundry. I LOVED it when he came. He was the coolest guy i knew. For a 20 year old university kid I'm sure playing with his little cousins was not high up on his list of fun things to do. I admire that so much now. He would bring his friends and his girlfriend for dinner. I thought she was equally as cool! 

I used to get so excited that he was coming for supper. I world stand in my parents bedroom with a pair of binoculars watching for his car to come around the corner. I'd fly down the stairs ready for a hug.

When I was 10 his sister got married and I remember wanting to ask him to dance and having a full on anxiety attack cause I didn't know how to ask him. 

When he was done university (I was about 12) he moved away and I didn't see him again until I was 14 and was asked by another family member if I wanted a baby sitting job. It was to watch the babies while the parents partied at a wedding.

I didn't even know he was going to be there until I saw him.

I got butterflies instantly, my stomach did flip flops, I was tongue tied.

He was amazing , nicest most charming guy I've ever met.

And for me who was the ugly awkward kid, I really latched on to the attention he'd give me. He'd tease me and give me a hard time. He paid attention to me, and acted like he wanted to spend time with me.

I just remember going home with a smile on my face, happier than I was in a long time. I don't have much confidence In myself but being around him made my confidence soar! He was the first guy I had "those" feelings for.....

I didn't see him again till about a year or so later. And after we came home my mom had mentioned that she was talking to him and he could not believe how much different I had gotten out of the awkward stage. and of course I took that to mean he thought I looked cute! ;)

He moved closer after that and instead of once every couple of years, I saw him a few times a year.

It got bad for a while. When I knew he was coming over I would plan out my week which would include going and buying a new outfit and spending time on hair and makeup. (Normally I don't wear any makeup)

I started to feel guilty. I would be super nervous to see him and then is feel awful after, cause i knew that I wasn't supposed to have those feelings for him ya know? 

I got obsessed with him for a bit, cut all his photos out, made like a collage. I was only 16-17 when that was going on but I really hated myself cause I had feelings for him. I tried to ignore him and not think about it but as soon as someone mentioned him the butterflies came back. 

I was head over heels in love with him for a very very long time. He is the coolest guy I've ever met, very down to earth, Extremely charming. He gives me that look you know, it's this smile that we exchange, He winks at me and that just drives me crazy.

We are both married to other people. We have never ever talked a out this. We've never had the opportunity to be alone together, and I have such anxiety that I don't know if I could talk about it.

I love my husband and I know he loves his wife. I know nothing could ever happen and I don't even know what I would want to happen you know? Part of me used to want nothing but a kiss... 

It's extremely confusing. A long time ago I told myself that these feelings will probably never go away and I just have to accept it. 

As far as him knowing, sometimes I think he knows and other times I have NO idea. It's not something I would ever bring up. I think that I'm pretty obvious sometimes. I would only dress up when I knew he was coming into town. His mom (my aunt) asked me one time why I was all dressed up. I shrugged and didn't answer the question but I did glance over at him and I think she caught it.

Anyways at the moment I'm happy with my life. I don't see him as often anymore and when we do see each other it's for maybe 2 hrs and there are like 30 other people around so I really only do small talk and I get a hug. Which I love getting! 

So my Question I guess is why??

How did it start? Why did it get so bad? 

I have dreams about him. We don't do anything in the dreams, he's just there, and I'm getting all nervous in the dream. I wish I would stop dreaming about him.

I wish I could have an actual conversation with him without getting all red and sounding like an idiot.

Anyways thanks for reading. I have never admitted any if this to anyone in real life. 

It's nice to see that other people have the same issues!! 

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The how and why questions aren't really that important.  Why do any of us have romantic feelings for anyone else?  It seems you have been fantasizing about this man for a long time - he was the older, handsome cousin while you were the young girl.  But it's time to put the childish ways behind and start living in reality.  You are both married - happily, by your own admission.  Focus on your own marriage.  You should avoid him for the time being, which may mean missing family gatherings.  But until you have your emotions under control, it's the wisest thing to do.  Getting dolled up for a man you are not married to, wanting to kiss him, dreaming about him, obsessively thinking about him - all these things will reek havoc on your marriage if you don't bring your thoughts under control. 

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Lana, welcome to CC. I know how it feels. It's really hard. Try not to have physical contact unless you're ready to end your marriage. It's really hard once you start the physical and then stop. Please read my story. You might learn some lesson. Take care...Cheers...

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