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Quentin

What To Do...

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    Hi, Everyone. My story is going to come out slowly at first. I am experiencing muxh pain and greif because I have lost so many people and things in such a short time.

   I fell in love with my cousin when I was in my 30's. She was about 31 and I was around 34. It wasn't until 10 years later that I told her how I felt. We dated for about 20 years and planned on getting married. We live in Tennessee so there are no laws providing it. We didn't care what our families thought. We professed our love openly and posted about our plans to marry on Facebook. 

     However, there were some problems. She suffered from Depression, PTSD, Addiction, and she was a thief and a pathological liar. We talked about all of it and she agreed to get help. But She never really did. She was using me for a place to stay, medicine, and sex. I don't think she loved me. I believe she is a sociopath because of never showing any remorse or shame or guilt for doing things to me and others that are hurtful and harmful.

     Finally, I had to let her go. But knowing the details of her situation I believe I could have saved her if I had of been more understanding of her position and what she really needed to recover.

    I have NEVER in my entire life had a bond with someone like I did with her. Despite her issues, Its Like we were 2 pieces of a 2 piece puzzle. We fit together like a glove and moved in sync when we made love. I have Never loved anyone or anything more than I Love her. And I'm afraid she is going to die. She just had a stoke. But more than the concern for her physical life there's the concern for her spiritual life, Everlasting lights. Nevertheless, I am having great difficulty dealing with the pain of letting her go. And now that I want her back she is pulling away from me. I'm afraid she will die. I am... I die if I'm with her and I die if I'm not. I Love & Miss her spoo much. I just want to talk to her and hold her and make sure she is ok.

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quentin, you couldn't have saved her :( you can't hold yourself responsible for that. i believe that you loved her, but her issues don't allow her to be capable of loving back. i'm sorry you're hurting! 

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Yeah, that pretty much the problem.

Thanks for the reply.

I noticed some typos in my original post. I stated that we dated for 20 years. We actually only dated for 2 years. I will make sure that proofread my next post much better.

Edited by Quentin
Typo created misinformation

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Quentin, my friend, my friend... oh man do I feel your pain and understand some of what you have experienced.

LadyC is right, I'm afraid. Some people do not have empathy. They will put you through a spiritual wood chipper. I have had a 20 yr marriage for real. Of course, there were great times, especially in the beginning. Oh boy, how fast it can go downhill!

If I know anything, I know people or at least a thing or two:

Quote

She suffered from Depression, PTSD, Addiction, and she was a thief and a pathological liar.

All of these go together, like ingredients for an apple pie. Just remember you can't fix yourself, and you sure as heck can't fix her.

Sometimes you have to totally forget about what people tell you and go by how they treat you instead. You have made the right decision. Trust me. Time does heal. Tonight my biggest frustration is that I realized that I have not saved enough money to see my favorite band who are plying in Maimi next week. Darnit! Darnit! It makes me bat $hit crazy! Who cares that I saw him two years ago?

Seriously, you will get over this. It takes time. If you live near Miami, we should pool our money for a room and catch a great band.  Maybe some wild women, too, that will make us throw rocks at cousins.

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Sorry I don't live near Miami or I would.

Dealing with breakups has always been especially difficult for me in general.

But coping with The Break-Up of a first cousin was almost too much.

But I'm getting better. I broke up with her in January and have cried at least three times a day every day about her. Every day except for the last 3 days. The last three days I have not cried about her.

But after talking to my therapist and coming to the realization that there is the possibility that she could be helped makes me really look at the things that I did "wrong" in the relationship and wonder if that will put me in a position to help her. Because I don't just love her. I care about her, too.

I will never get over her. At least not completely. I'll get over her enough to get back into life and maybe even find someone else. But she's my cousin, she's family. And even if she is a sociopath and doesn't or can't love me I still love and care about her. I never accepted the idea of showing unconditional love because that involves loving people even when they abuse you. But I feel like I have unconditional love for her. I really don't care if she loves me or not. If she's willing to come back to me I want her. And I'm willing to give her pretty much whatever she wants. I do think I can help her and the only way to do that is if I put her in a situation where she can do what she feels like she has to do to survive and have some sense of happiness. Because I believe that if I'm around her long enough she may decide to seek help.... I know what I'm saying probably goes against all practical wisdom. And hopefully I will change my mind.

But right now my feelings for her are still so strong that do not want to and will not live the rest of my life without her in it.

Thanks for the support.

It's important for me sometimes just to talk about it.

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