Jump to content
Quentin

What To Do...

Recommended Posts

    Hi, Everyone. My story is going to come out slowly at first. I am experiencing muxh pain and greif because I have lost so many people and things in such a short time.

   I fell in love with my cousin when I was in my 30's. She was about 31 and I was around 34. It wasn't until 10 years later that I told her how I felt. We dated for about 20 years and planned on getting married. We live in Tennessee so there are no laws providing it. We didn't care what our families thought. We professed our love openly and posted about our plans to marry on Facebook. 

     However, there were some problems. She suffered from Depression, PTSD, Addiction, and she was a thief and a pathological liar. We talked about all of it and she agreed to get help. But She never really did. She was using me for a place to stay, medicine, and sex. I don't think she loved me. I believe she is a sociopath because of never showing any remorse or shame or guilt for doing things to me and others that are hurtful and harmful.

     Finally, I had to let her go. But knowing the details of her situation I believe I could have saved her if I had of been more understanding of her position and what she really needed to recover.

    I have NEVER in my entire life had a bond with someone like I did with her. Despite her issues, Its Like we were 2 pieces of a 2 piece puzzle. We fit together like a glove and moved in sync when we made love. I have Never loved anyone or anything more than I Love her. And I'm afraid she is going to die. She just had a stoke. But more than the concern for her physical life there's the concern for her spiritual life, Everlasting lights. Nevertheless, I am having great difficulty dealing with the pain of letting her go. And now that I want her back she is pulling away from me. I'm afraid she will die. I am... I die if I'm with her and I die if I'm not. I Love & Miss her spoo much. I just want to talk to her and hold her and make sure she is ok.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

quentin, you couldn't have saved her :( you can't hold yourself responsible for that. i believe that you loved her, but her issues don't allow her to be capable of loving back. i'm sorry you're hurting! 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah, that pretty much the problem.

Thanks for the reply.

I noticed some typos in my original post. I stated that we dated for 20 years. We actually only dated for 2 years. I will make sure that proofread my next post much better.

Edited by Quentin
Typo created misinformation

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Quentin, my friend, my friend... oh man do I feel your pain and understand some of what you have experienced.

LadyC is right, I'm afraid. Some people do not have empathy. They will put you through a spiritual wood chipper. I have had a 20 yr marriage for real. Of course, there were great times, especially in the beginning. Oh boy, how fast it can go downhill!

If I know anything, I know people or at least a thing or two:

Quote

She suffered from Depression, PTSD, Addiction, and she was a thief and a pathological liar.

All of these go together, like ingredients for an apple pie. Just remember you can't fix yourself, and you sure as heck can't fix her.

Sometimes you have to totally forget about what people tell you and go by how they treat you instead. You have made the right decision. Trust me. Time does heal. Tonight my biggest frustration is that I realized that I have not saved enough money to see my favorite band who are plying in Maimi next week. Darnit! Darnit! It makes me bat $hit crazy! Who cares that I saw him two years ago?

Seriously, you will get over this. It takes time. If you live near Miami, we should pool our money for a room and catch a great band.  Maybe some wild women, too, that will make us throw rocks at cousins.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry I don't live near Miami or I would.

Dealing with breakups has always been especially difficult for me in general.

But coping with The Break-Up of a first cousin was almost too much.

But I'm getting better. I broke up with her in January and have cried at least three times a day every day about her. Every day except for the last 3 days. The last three days I have not cried about her.

But after talking to my therapist and coming to the realization that there is the possibility that she could be helped makes me really look at the things that I did "wrong" in the relationship and wonder if that will put me in a position to help her. Because I don't just love her. I care about her, too.

I will never get over her. At least not completely. I'll get over her enough to get back into life and maybe even find someone else. But she's my cousin, she's family. And even if she is a sociopath and doesn't or can't love me I still love and care about her. I never accepted the idea of showing unconditional love because that involves loving people even when they abuse you. But I feel like I have unconditional love for her. I really don't care if she loves me or not. If she's willing to come back to me I want her. And I'm willing to give her pretty much whatever she wants. I do think I can help her and the only way to do that is if I put her in a situation where she can do what she feels like she has to do to survive and have some sense of happiness. Because I believe that if I'm around her long enough she may decide to seek help.... I know what I'm saying probably goes against all practical wisdom. And hopefully I will change my mind.

But right now my feelings for her are still so strong that do not want to and will not live the rest of my life without her in it.

Thanks for the support.

It's important for me sometimes just to talk about it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Dear Quentin,

I empathize with your situation.  I know some sociopaths.  They don't change.  I suggest reading books, and articles about sociopaths, to help you recognize the traits you see in your cousin.  If your going to get back together with her romantically, you need to drop some of the typical romantic expectations that we place on our lovers. You need to accept her behaviours, and be willing to tolerate her.  You need to accept her as she is.  So you need to gauge how bad are her behaviors?  What is the worse thing that can happen?

Fortunately for me, the sociopaths that I know, I'm not romantically involved with, which makes it easier to accept them as they are, and try to handle them, or work around them.  I have no personal needs that I want them to fulfill, which is usually the case in a romantic relationship.

Things I've observed about myself and life as a result of all my relationships is that when we get married, or common-law, etc., we subconsciously place expectations on our spouse.  We expect them to be smart, honest, trustworthy, and a helper to name some of the big ones.  If you are financially dependent on that spouse, that can put you in a bad situation, if the person is not honest and trustworthy and dependable. 

So you do not want to depend on her for anything.  You need to put together a Plan B for you if things don't work out.

I've read that sociopaths and psychopaths can mellow out some as they get older.  The main sociopath I deal with has mellowed out now that he's in his 70s somewhat.  But he still does sociopathic behaviours on me, and I still have to deal with them, tolerate them, try to work around him, etc.  It would be much harder if we were romantically involved. 

If you're trying to handle a sociopath, you can't usually tell them you're doing that, because they'll get defensive and argue, even when they're very wrong. You want to do things that will avoid them abusing you.  And you need to stand up to them if they are abusing you.

For example, sometimes my sociopath will start minimizing something he's done to me, and I tell him that he doesn't know how (whatever it was) effected me, and he has no right minimizing the pain he caused me.  If you stand up to them, sometimes they'll back down on an abusive behaviour.  There are things you can say and do to lessen their abusive words and actions towards you.

Learn what abuse is exactly.  I read books, but I never really learned a good definition for abuse until I went to a women's shelter years ago and took one of their outreach programs.  Because a women's shelter is on the front lines of abuse, they don't mess around with flowery words.  They get right to the point.  What I learned from them about how abuse works, was much better than any books I had read on the subject.

And you need to learn about how abuse works, because sociopaths abuse the people around them.  If you know how abuse works, it will help you NOT make their abuse personal, so that it hurts you less in the long-run.  And you need to have your own head on straight.  If for example, you're suffering from abuse you've received earlier in your life, you will be more vulnerable to someone who abuses you.

I can see by what you wrote, that you're still in a lot of emotional turmoil over your cousin-love.  If you associate with her in any fashion, take things slowly, perhaps don't live with her right now.  Be her friend, if you want to, but have some time away from her in order to keep your strength up.

These are tips.  There are no easy solutions to intense cousin-love or dealing with a sociopath. Keep in therapy if it's helping you.

God Bless,

Ambra

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Breakup is referred to as a termination of a relationship. Even if you're the partner to orchestrate a break up, it can still be really awful. Not only have you now got to adjust your life accordingly but chances are some pretty rubbish things happened in the run up to the end of your relationship. Break up conversations can get nasty, and are usually utterly emotionally exhausting. 

Hi,

I am from canada, BC. I want to share my experience here. I am in a relationship from the last four years with someone else. relations are going very well and we both are so happy suddenly last year he was ignoring me and be loudly on little things. I was confused about why is happening like that. I am scared about our relationship. and one day I caught him with another guy. I could not sleep or eat for weeks or days. I want her back. but the mind was not working properly. I can't understand what I can do or not?? then I heard about lovelearnings. here I got the best guidance regarding what I can do or not. here provide me a step-by-step solution to the common problems between our relationships, and other common issues which have created a problem. here great ideas available to overcome any dreaded relationships

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...