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Hello guys,

this is my story 

i love my mom's cousin who is almost some years (9) years older than me. i was 5 years old when i developed feelings for him as we used to stay there out of city for vacations and me and him used to gather there to stay with our huge family. i used to watch him play with kites and stuff . he also used to play with me once we were playing he told me that he will marry me once he grow up he told me this as a joke cause i was a kid. after that we weren't in contact for years   for 6 years but then we went to our family again for vacations where i saw him but was too nervous to see him so i turned my face toward the wall while he was being welcomed by others i was making weird faces but then turned back and gained some hope just to say hi and did so and was nervous and shy to talk to him so i left that room . the next day he addded me on fb i didn't knew what was going on and why i was behaving like that. we all went to an adventure walk to the mountains nearby and came across a beach and we had to cross a river so we had our shoes in our hands and my siblings were holding the hands of my mom and aunts while my mom told me to hold the hand of the one i wasn't able to talk even say hi . but i agreed. as we were stepping on the stones there in the river he holded my hand which made my heart beat faster and faster . After we crossed he let go of my hand which made me feel weird as if i wanted to feel that feeling again. but we all went on and after that adventure like trip we all went and slept .The next day we had to leave for our house and said our goodbyes and left.I started to miss him after some days and decided to message him and we chatted alot after a while i realized that i was in love with him and had a dream about him marrying me in the following days.i decided to tell him i love him but was too nervous to message it directly and decided to message i want to tell you something but will tell so on the right time.But i couldn't hold it and told after 25 mins and said te amo he said what? i told him to search it he was like okay he searched it and got a hold of it and asked me you love me? i was like yes and then we chatted for days he always thought of me as a kid .we talked and talked until 2 years back my mom found out and treated me really badly which hurted me because she is a super cool , kind and friendly mom. she shouted me tell me your password but i was like kill me but i won't . She told me to take a bath as it will make me chill and calm down and i locked myself in the bathroom .I never forget that moment it was horrifying. i was crying sitting in the bathtub and thought came crawling in my mind to run away or fake my death and stuff like that . after a while i completely forgot about him but he came to my city again and i asked my mom that i didn't wanted to meet him she asked me why? as if she had forgotten i made some excuses but i had to go when i reached there i was so nervous and wanted to run away as i am a person who runs from situations that hurts. i struggled to say hi and sat down on a table and began studying i was out of my energy. i slept and next day i felt like he was normal to me so i asked him about his favourite songs he said it depends on my mood i was like okay .He kinda teased me which i liked .He went and i kinda missed him but got him out of my mind and after some months i messaged him from a fake account telling him that there is someone who still love him and he was like who? and i pretended to be my bestie and told him . he was like okay and told me on that account to message him and i messaged him from my real account and we kept talking but on feb 18 this year everything changed my life my mom left us to stay with our grandma as some family issues he came again and teased me and about some days aago i asked him if my mom and dad take a divorce will you stop talking to me he told me to grow up and understand the situation i was like okay it got me hurt and i began to cry as i love him alot. i am trying my best not to talk to him cause i should let him go if i love him too much though it hurts alot though i can't get him out of mind and he is on my mind 24/7 every single moment till i sleep. It's hard . i guess i was born to suffer , it makes me cry why do he cares for me alot? i prayed if i meant something for him make it rain and it did the next day. this is really worse then an arrow in my heart.i lost all my  connections and there is no one for me there except him and my mom who is ignoring me ... i wear a ring that resembles him and no one knows about it except him i also have a picture of him which i look to and keep it in a secret place and sleep i pray for him everyday i need 4 years, these 4 years are going to be hard ,i only need 4 years to my good luck... one more thing even if i want to get away from him it is my fate which make me stay i don't know what it is yet maybe love?...i

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