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calmncool

Obsessed with her. Advice?

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I was posting for some advice on a cousin crush. I feel embarrassed to even bring this awkward situation up, but I need some advice. 

So I am in my mid-20s and I have a crush on my first cousin-female, who is a year younger. I have been trying real hard to forget about her, but the harder I try, the harder it gets.

So let me start with our childhood. We have known each other since we were very young. We were not very close but we were together often along with my other siblings (my other siblings were too young to know any better or remember). She and I played doctor-doctor together several times, touching each other briefly and we even shared a close-mouthed kiss once (no tongues, just lips - neither of us knew how to kiss). We both touched each other inappropriately in each other's private parts but nothing happened. I was overly curious as was she and I guess liked how it felt. We knew nothing of sex thankfully at 7-8 so that was the extent of our inappropriate interactions. I have no idea if she remembers and how much because we never talked about it. She must remember something, if not most, but no point in asking. It's basically our secret.

Then we enter our teenage years. We rarely talked or even looked at one another. I guess we were both in that rebellious stage. I did occasionally thought of her sexually but it was a minor crush. I had a few jerk off sessions with her on mind, but I usually had other girls in mind from school or tv or pr0n 95% of the time (she occupied 5%, which is pretty significant considering how much I jerked off hehe). In the few conversations we had, neither of us could speak to the other without stuttering/cutting up in awkwardness and a lot of awkward breaks and "uhhh"s or "ummm"s. I have no idea if she had feelings for me too or what. I think we were both extremely nervous and awkward around one another for whatever reason. We could never look one other in the eye. Impossible to tell why, but that was our entire teens.

Once we hit our 20s, we started to talk a bit but no eye contact, no smiles. I could only look at her jawline and lips, which made my chest beat hard, when we spoke. We would just say hi and bye. I started to think about her more and more, jerked off many times thinking about her. We accidentally bumped hands one time, but nothing was said. We just quickly pulled hands back, acting as if nothing happened. She went on a few dates with other guys from what I heard but nothing serious. She would talk a lot with other family members, but she rarely talked with me or even visited me in my room. She didn't even look my way. I was same way with her. It was hard for us to be around one another.

We were alone in same room one time but nothing at all was said beyond hi and bye. There was so much sexual tension and awkwardness. We were both on our laptops. I don't know about her, but I could only focus on her for the 30mins rather than my computer, and my chest was thumping. I was fake wasting time to look busy. Oh I sure was busy but busy thinking about her (hehe), and I was so hard. I pulled my baggy shirt out from being tucked in to hide my hard-on bump. Without getting too graphic, *it* was pushing so hard and tight against my underwear that it hurt (only guys would understand heh), but I couldn't do anything about it. I felt helpless! I kept sneaking in touching myself as I thought of her. I was scared I might say or do something stupid while extremely horny, but I got through. She left after a while wordlessly and a year went by with no interaction. I jerked off so much fantasizing about her and me alone in the room. I began to have wet dreams, regular dreams occasionally of me and her. I forced myself to keep her out of my head, which I succeeded when awake. I control myself around her nowadays by forcing my thoughts away from her (very hard to do) so I don't usually get hard-on around her anymore after that *painful* situation (hehe).

There was one moment we had maybe 4 years ago when we talked briefly about something and our eyes met. We were maybe 3-4 feet apart, and I saw her eyes twinkling and sparkle as it met mine that drove me out of my mind. We stared into each other's eyes for maybe 3 full seconds before looking away quickly, but it felt like eternity. I felt like just bending forward and kissing her; my chest was beating out of control. Then afterwards, we didn't look at one another or speak for about 2 years. Not even hi or bye. Nothing at all even at many family gatherings. She talked extensively with everyone but me. It was as if I didn't exist to her, and she didn't exist to me. It's not exactly true though because I thought about her a lot. I also snuck in lusty peeks of her bottom when she was walking around.

Then year and ago, I was sitting by kitchen entrance reading and she came in for water. My attention shifted to her from my reading without looking at her directly. From the corners of my eyes, I saw her take the cup filled with water, face towards me and start drinking. She was staring towards me, studying my face I presume (only my face was visible). I acted like I was busy reading, but I knew she was looking in my direction! About 10-15 full seconds she stared at me from behind the glass while drinking. I looked up in passing, and I noticed her look away instantly. I have no idea what was going on in her mind, but she had a serious face. No smile or anything. Then she just turned and left.

Later that year, we went on family vacation. I peeked at her often, especially this one time when she was wearing a swimsuit (conservative swimsuit) and sitting by the pool facing away from me. There were other drop-dead gorgeous girls around her wearing very little so I was distracted, looking at them every chance I got. Anyways, we later had our first real conversation about something (I don't remember what it was about) in lord knows how long.. Probably since childhood. Neither of us could look in each other's eyes or smile at one another. It was difficult to talk to one another, but we did. I finally got a chance to look at her head-on up close and not in photos or from a distance. She is obviously not drop-dead gorgeous but she is very pretty and attractive. We hung out around one another afterwards but not much talking.

We have opened up since that conversation. We are older now in later mid-20s. I have no idea if she has a bf or not. I barely know her, but we talk now. She usually visits me in my room to initiate one-on-one conversation. We talk for about 15 minutes straight about everything, important and random things. Initially, we couldn't connect our eyes or talk long or be close physically. Then we began to talk longer times then she began to stand closer. Then we began to look in each other's eyes while talking, but I was nervous beyond reason. If I get nervous enough, I still look away from her altogether. She does not appear nervous and even smiles a lot. I am not sure if she is just being friendly or if there is more going on. I am not good at figuring out girls. I am convinced she is just being friendly, and I suspect she knows I have major crush on her. She is a happy person with a big heart so I don't think she can see me sad. I doubt I will get sad if she finds someone though because I just want to see her happy. If she is happy, then so will I, but tbh my happiness is not dependent on her happiness.

I focus most of the conversations on her, her life, her interests, her passions. She is a good person with a lot to talk about, and it took me forever to learn that. I don't like talking about myself unless if I am asked to do so (I am not very interesting tbh). We both smile at one another now and can hold eye contact the whole time without looking away. I feel like talking with her forever: 15-20 minutes feels like 5 minutes. She ends the conversations usually, but I feel calm, relaxed and happy after speaking with her.

When we meet at family gatherings and around other people, we return back to not talking and not even looking at one another. It's weird. We only speak with one another when in one-on-one alone situations.

I am starting to become obsessed with her, and I need some advice on how to stop this madness. I have stopped thinking about other girls and only her, which worries me. For example, if I start to jerk off to other girls, my thoughts usually return back to her. I think about her day and night, getting thoughts and dreams doing dirty sexual things with her. I think of her long hair, her pretty face, her happy eyes, her voluptuous body, her gentle voice, her big heart, her high character and beautiful personality.

It feels extremely weird and embarrassing; she is my first cousin! This would be considered incest I think. It has to stop. It can't go on. It is not normal, not healthy and nothing can ever happen. I forced myself to stop thinking about her, but I can't always control myself. I force myself to get my thoughts away from her to eliminate the urge to masturbate (I have not jerked off in a while for this reason). I was initiating text conversations, but I forcefully stopped initiating texts (she doesn't initiate texts). I am thinking of talking less with her even when she visits; I feel bad though because it seems rude and out of character for me. What else do I do to get her off my mind? I still think about her daily.

It's just a crush. Can't be more, must not be more. I don't even know if she likes me back in *that* way. Maybe another female can gauge that based on what I posted above because I truthfully don't understand girls. Before you ask, no I don't feel the desire to marry her or have kids with her. That's why I think it's all sexual or lust or something. Maybe subconsciously I want that which I can't have. I do want that SO BAD though that I'm posting for advise from others. I usually know what to do but not in this case. Ultimately, I do have to move on. I don't want to, but I have to.

 

Any advice would be nice!

Edited by calmncool

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If you don't love her and you don't want to marry her, then you should probably find a girlfriend. Cousin couples are sacred. It shouldn't just be about sex.

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8 hours ago, Quentin said:

If you don't love her and you don't want to marry her, then you should probably find a girlfriend. Cousin couples are sacred. It shouldn't just be about sex.

I am conflicted about that. I have never been in love afaik so I don't even know what love is. I have always been on my own and never been in any serious relationship to go "yup, I am in love!"

All I can say is I feel different around her compared to most girls I have been around. I think about her daily, night and day. My chest flutters and beats madly whenever I am around her. I feel calm after we talk. I have begun dreaming about her over last year or so. She is almost lodged in my head. When our eyes meet, I feel some sort of magic flicker on but maybe it's just me.

As for marriage, it would never work because you know, it is a sort of thing not accepted by society, and I am also not sure if I am into the whole marriage thing so it's not her.

I am also not sure if she feels the same way. She is a shy introverted person, as am I. I always felt a sort of connection to her since the first time we met; we are similar in many ways. She was the first person I ever kissed and she me. It was so very long ago and we went over a decade actively ignoring one another. The anecdotes I posted above are everything I have to gauge her on, and I am hoping it is just a crush on my end. She is so very difficult to figure out. Or maybe she is obvious in her actions and I am just too much of a fool. I don't know.

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Guest Guests12

What do you want exactly? Just to be physical with her again? I’m in the camp of leaving her alone if you’re not willing or able to see it through. You’re too old to be considering something casual if it’s with someone you’ve known that long and have those connections with. 

I sense however, you’re more into a relationship than you’re leading on. Am I right?

If not, you need to articulate what it is exactly that you want. Not only for advise from others but also so you can figure out what you want your next move to be. 

If you’re scared, what are you scared of? 

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On 4/4/2019 at 9:09 PM, Guest Guests12 said:

What do you want exactly? Just to be physical with her again? I’m in the camp of leaving her alone if you’re not willing or able to see it through. You’re too old to be considering something casual if it’s with someone you’ve known that long and have those connections with. 

I sense however, you’re more into a relationship than you’re leading on. Am I right?

If not, you need to articulate what it is exactly that you want. Not only for advise from others but also so you can figure out what you want your next move to be. 

If you’re scared, what are you scared of? 

Honestly I don't know what I want. I am conflicted. All I know for sure is I have feelings for her. I can't make sense of it beyond that. She is a wonderful person, always smiling and someone who listens and loves to talk with me but only when we are alone together. I ask her a lot of questions about her and she talks a lot. She is gentle, kind and real pretty. I have always felt something for her since childhood.

As badly as I want her, you are probably right that my best recourse is no recourse at all. I should just leave it alone, regardless of how difficult or tempting it may be. I want her to be happy and the best way for that is to let her be, even if it is hard.

I don't think she likes me in that way if I am being completely honest. Reason is she never initiates texts. It was always me initiating all our texts.. She always responded almost instantly and always friendly though (with overuse of smilies heh), but if she liked me in that way, wouldn't she initiate texts at least occasionally? Then again she always initiates our face to face conversations so I don't know anymore. I don't have much to go on as I mentioned. I can't use physical cues to gauge it either because we have not been physical since those couple childhood instances so no hugs, not even handshakes. Neither of us ever touch each other while talking, period. I want to be physical with her occasionally, like brush hands while talking or hug occasionally but it's not in either of our natures because we are both introverted. I don't want to come across as pervy or make her uncomfortable so I would never initiate a hug.


What am I worried about? First and foremost, she is my cousin! It's not normal to feel that way, especially if someone else found out. (hope I don't make others here feel bad but to me it seems bit odd to feel that way about a first cousin). Second, she and I are finally getting close for the first time and I am afraid if she found out then she would be disgusted or mad and never talk with me again. We went so long without speaking to each other and I don't want to scare her off now. Finally, I feel like she is someone who I can open up to about almost anything. She is a good person and someone who will listen and be willing to talk about anything. I never had anyone like that in my life so far so I don't want to lose that. Her being similar age and knowing me so long makes it different and special. I have not shared personal things and personal issues with with her yet and neither has she with me, maybe someday. I want both of us to be open but one thing I don't think I can ever tell her about is my major crush on her due to reasons above. 

 

I was thinking deep about how to deal with it. We don't really know each other well yet and she feels mysterious to me so maybe I am intoxicated with the idea of her rather than the actual her. Maybe if I had long text conversations with her at night when we are both relaxed, alone and not influenced by social constraints from in-person talks, I can find out more about her and erase the mystery aspect. It might take me to know her before I can finally move on so basically let the crush develop however it may without explicitly telling her. I don't know if it is a good idea though because it can backfire if we get too close. 

The other options are 2) avoid/ignore her to slowly drift apart even though ignoring someone is not in my nature (I felt bit sad all those years we avoided each other), 3) be rude to her and forcefully create instant distance between us permanently to save the trouble down the road even though it might leave me heartbroken for a while, or 4) continue as it may but try very hard to hide my feelings from her & no eye contact & no smiling at her so she never finds out, basically limit my communication/signs with her without being rude or cold. I don't know how good she is at reading people so it might already be too late for option 4, but I can still try hard to keep myself closed off from her. As I said, it would be hard but doable.

I had time to think about this since my last post. I find this situation awkward but also bit interesting from a scientific perspective. I am surprised this sort of cousin attraction doesn't happen more often than it does. It is extremely extremely rare for us to be attracted to direct family but cousin is not technically direct family. We are around our cousins more than anyone not direct family. Perhaps 99% of the girls we meet and date in life don't last at all or last couple years max. A cousin will be around with us more than those 99% of girls from childhood to old age, we share a lot of personal thoughts with and be there for one another through good times and bad times, laugh with them, go together with on events/movies/family vacations and eat with often. I would think cousin crushes would happen a lot more.

Edited by calmncool

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