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shantanu22

My Family has Planned to marry me with my Second Cousin.

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Hey, I have been searchin the web about cousin marriage and came across this site a lots of time But today i could not refrain myself from joining this wonderful site.

I would be pleased to have suggestions on my complex situation:

"My mother's real brother didn't had any child so he adopted a girl from my mother's first cousin. So the girl is practically my second cousin. Now she is 12 years old and i am 19 years old.

My maternal grandma has planned to marry me with this second cousin after she is fully eligible for marriage ( its a bit common in India). "

And we live in different States so I meet her twice or thrice a year.

First of all I convinced myself to deny to marry her. But when I met her twice-thrice I started thinking about her.

Now i am starting to have feelings for her after knowing everything.

I want to ask that will it be good (morally and logically) for me to fall for her?

And If there is someone who married with such age difference please tell is there any pros or cons to this?

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shantanu22,

If this girl is by blood your mother (and her brother's) first cousin's biological child, then by blood she is actually your second cousin. I'm not sure about your exact ethnic background, but I do know that first cousins, depending on the region, are NOT very common in India. Second cousins, I'm not so sure about. That this is even a possibility for you there is good for you.

Now, as to the age difference, and your questioning the possibility and what your actions should be to that end, I will try to help you.

Yes, there is an age difference. In the grand scheme of things, not huge at all, but, at the ages you are, it is huge. You are smart to realize that you must do the moral and logical things now, to set the stage for a marriage that would seem to be coming in the future. You should continue as you are, and enjoy these visits, and her company on the occasions you have to be with her. Keep it all platonic, and be the older family member she can look up to. Encourage her to get a good education, and not dwell on whatever the future my hold for the two of you. Tell her that is for you to consider, and she should not worry about it. When the time comes, you can take it from there. While you are waiting for that day, you may as well get yourself in as good a position as you can to be a good provider for her.

Part of your preparation should include a nice long adult conversation with your maternal grandmother. You may as well tell her that initially you were not too keen on the idea, but that after spending time with her, you are warming up to the idea. Ask her exactly what she envisions with this arranged marriage, other than the obvious. I mean, of course, you know she wants to arrange this marriage, but you would like to know specifics as to how she would like to see it play out as the time goes along, up until she is "fully eligible for marriage" as you say. I'm willing to bet she will tell you something very close to what I have told you. Get closer as friends, she should focus on her studies, (as should you, if you are still in school) you should get yourself in the best possible position to be a provider, so when the time comes, you are prepared. You have plenty of time. I'm not sure what age she would be eligible for marriage, but even if it is 16 yrs old, you have somewhere between 3 and 4 years. Even if the age IS 16, I personally would encourage you to ask to wait until she is at least 18 years old. For the time being, the age difference will be an issue, and I don't mean legally. You do not want to act too soon, and have her seem too immature in your eyes, and have that as the initial impression once the relationship goes to that level. It could lead to you, even if subconsciously, being condescending toward her. I always prefer that both parties are at least 20, and would prefer ~22 yrs old or so. Consider how ten years would make such a HUGE difference. Her at 22, and you at 29 is not going to be anywhere near the span in maturity that 16 and 23 would be, or even 18 and 25. Since you not only asked what we think your moral behavior should be, but logically what you should do, I assume you like to think in logical terms. Logically, you take your time, don't rush, and ask for guidance from the older generations who have the life experience to guide you.

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Hawk,

Thanks for the quality reply. Whatever you advised is what my heart is telling me to do. And About my ethnic background, my family or community consider only marriage of a boy with his 'Mother's Brother's Daughter' among all cousin marriages as legitimate and age of a matured girl for marriage to be 20 years or high. And I've seen such huge age difference(even more than 7 years) in many of relatives in my family and many others also.

And you said very right that at our present ages the age difference may be huge. And I know that I'm quiet matured and I've always been platonic with her, I've never even thought of flirting with her. I know at what stage she is, what state of mind she is and what is good for her.

But there is a problem that I can't talk with my maternal grandma about this or anyone in my family, as she didn't directly told me about her wish. I listened her talking many times with my family member about this and once my brother also told me and I made a laugh of this thought with him.

And I know I'm in a very crucial age which decides my future and I'm in no need to do anything right now. But one thing I don't know i.e., is there any sense or is it possible to have feelings for someone at her age even it is totally Platonic? after knowing that she could be the one in the coming future.

I'm still very keen to know if there are any consequences in marrying with 7 years age difference. Other than which I think- If you have feelings for someone then you will work with the difference in maturity level and difference in thoughts and you can be an understanding person.

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of course it is morally and logically ok for you to fall for her! ok let me back up.... at her current age, it would be wrong on so many levels for you to get involved with her. but that's not what you're talking about. you're talking about the fact that this marriage  is being arranged for you at a future date. so frankly, it would be morally and logically NOT ok if you did NOT fall for her. no woman of any age deserves to be married to a man who does not love her.

the age difference right now is huge. you're an adult man. she's nowhere near being an adult woman yet. but by the time she is able to marry, she will be a woman. the older she gets, the smaller that age gap becomes. it's only a 7 year difference. no big deal at all between adults. i know lots of adults who have married with bigger age gaps than that.

my brother and his wife are 7 years apart. and guess who is the younger? yep! my brother is 7 years younger than his wife. they've been married for 22 years, and it's a marriage that is solid, based on love and mutual respect. my husband's parents are also 7 years apart. (the husband being older in this marriage!) they married when mark's mom was only 15, and his dad was 22. that was 60 years ago, and they are still inseparable.

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LadyC,

      Very very thank you for clearing this up. This took off lots of useless thoughts and guilt from my head.

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