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Guest Brooke

Does it ever end?

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Guest Brooke

So I meet my cousin (once removed) 2 years ago and had this massive attraction. We are both in relationships with other people and he had children at the time. We also live in different countries. After we meet in his country, I felt so much I had to go back and see him about 6 months later. It was like we knew each other forever and all that funny stuff but we were never intimate with each other. He made a decision to stay with his family and I have since had my own child however I am miserable and feel like I’m living the wrong life. I’ve tried to slow/stop contact to try and move on with my own life but never seem to be able to make the break. It’s basically ended my marriage but I haven’t left or told my partner why I’m not the same and I am constantly heartbroken. It’s so much worse than any other relationship that hasn’t worked out in my life and I’m not that young. Has anyone had an experience like this and did their feelings ever go away? Ideally I’d like to have the cousin relationship I intended in the beginning and I wish this had never happened.  I know there is zero hope of ever being with this man yet I can’t find happiness in anything else not even my own child. Will this ever go away or is this funny imprinting that happens with family members that should have known each other as children some kind of permanent bonding? how do you learn to live with it and will it go away or be something that is always between us?  

Has anyone lived to tell the tale and been happy ever again without them?

 

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Guest Ally

I’m not sure I have an answer for you either. I have an intense attraction to a second cousin myself who I met well into adulthood. We’re trying to do the “cousin/friend” thing to but it just doesn’t seem to work like with other second cousins I’ve met as an adult. I mean it’s okay right now, but our contact is sporadic (not every day like we’d like) and restrained. 

I have no doubt you can be happy without him. Have you talked to him recently? When was the last time you talked? What about talked about the relationship? 

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Guest Ally

I’m not sure I have an answer for you either. I have an intense attraction to a second cousin myself who I met well into adulthood. We’re trying to do the “cousin/friend” thing to but it just doesn’t seem to work like with other second cousins I’ve met as an adult. I mean it’s okay right now, but our contact is sporadic (not every day like we’d like) and restrained. 

I have no doubt you can be happy without him. Have you talked to him recently? When was the last time you talked? What about talked about the relationship? 

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Guest Brooke

I’m not sure I’ve gone a week in 2 years without some contact. There might have been a brief period we went a bit longer.  He has made definite moves in the opposite direction with his own life and I am under no illusion that any of that future will be with me.  I’ve tried to stop contact but he will reach out or eventually I do.  I understand the restraint you mentioned and that itself makes me sad. I don’t want to let him go because along with these feelings are the ones I should have for my cousin and it will be a great loss. I hoped someone would say they had a similar thing and in time it went away but from what I can see from others experiences, I might be unlucky there and prolonging the inevitable. 

Nothing is without risk but I have no doubt I would have given this man the rest of my days and never looked back. 2nd cousin is nothing only 3%. I hope you are both Free Ally and then, why not!

 

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Guest Ally

I would only reciprocate if I were you. You can do it. If not that, consider just having an honest conversation with him. Tell him you are trying to move on with your life and when he reaches out it causes you to miss him more. (Say in time you’d like to be able to connect again; you just can’t right now). 

You can ease into it like, say he sends a comment or question. You answer it, give it a few minutes then say how hard it ease to not want to continue talking to him. He’ll ask a question or reply and you can go from there. What’s best for not only you but him is what you must keep in mind.  

Maybe you can communicate some day without longing. You don’t know and you won’t find out until you give yourselves more space. Either way only time and space will allow things to move forward in a healthy way. 

Sounds like you want a platonic, but close bond with him. Again, something that won’t happen unless you’re honest with yourselves and take a step away from each other. 

I suspect he’s just someone whom, while you have a connection with, is also someone whose relationship with you is serving some other purpose. A purpose that you don’t mean for it to serve. You need to figure out an alternative way to get that purpose or need met without him. 

Please write back and give updates. 

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