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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Fell in love with my first cousin (Need desperate Advice)

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Hey guys

I have known my first cousin for years and we were always close. She's 2 years older than me and considers me her fave cousin. The thing is, we live in different countries now so recently, we started texting each other a lot. We always talk about our lives and have deep convos. She never forgets to text me good mornings and is always there when I need to talk to someone despite our big time difference. I hate to admit it, but I think I am falling for her. I would like to think she feels the same way but I don't know. Sometimes, she calls me honey, sweet heart, pumpkin, handsome and even love. Other times, she refers to me as her baby bro or kiddo. I am really confused right now but I think I am legit having strong feelings for her. Like whenever she's sleeping and we don't text for a few hours, I start missing her alot. I need advice on how do I find out if she has the same feelings or hint that I have feeling for her. We r both in uni and we r probably not gonna meet each other for some time.

Any help/advice is sincerely appreciated

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Thunder,

            You know you have feelings for her but you also know there is no rocket science or magical way to know others feeling for us. I don't know exactly what your convo's are like but if there is some amount flirt or something like that then you can ask her directly or tell her what you feel in some indirect way, or you can directly or indirectly tell that there are CC out there and you can refer to this CC website in your talks, ask her if she has a boyfriend or if she would like to or going to have one and see what her reactions are.

I don't know your current age but you know you can't meet her so you have to be patient. Take your time and don't do or say anything in hurry.

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Thanks for the reply shantanu

I guess there is some amount of flirt between us like sometimes she says I look handsome in my profile pic or something. I would say she looks beautiful and she would say thanks for the self esteem boost. But what I wanna know is how can I tell her indirectly that I like her? I know she thinks cousin relationships are a bit weird so unless I somehow know she has similar feelings for me, I cant really bring up this website, otherwise, she might freak out. We also talk about who we had a crush and stuff. She hasnt had a bf yet but her friends do. We r both a little awkward when it comes to the opposite gender  :tongue:

Im just confused wat to do right now :(

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Thunder,

              You want her to know that you have feelings for her but you can't tell her directly because of the fear of her being freak right? You could have told her if you have known that she has feelings for you but this not the case so you can't hurry to do that.

You can let her know that you care for her, and if she refers you as baby bro or something then you can tell how you don't want to be called one. There are some ways also like you can refer her indirectly in you status, post, blog-post. Let her know that you have so must interest in her. And when you pay so must special interest in her she would definitely have the general idea.

You can continue to flirt with her but make some limits for yourself. And one day i think you will find yourself in a comfortable and confident position (like as a friend) to ask her yourself.

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I was in exactly the same situation....

But then one day my cousin was alone at home...

and we were chatting thru texts and during the conversation there came a soft moment...where the feeliings were a lil high....So i asked her whether i cud ask her a question....but she must promise me that the question shloudn't change anything for the worse between us...n she said yes

n i just asked her....She didnt say no..but she didnt admit it directly either...i just got an indirect yes...n we chatted n talked on the phone thru out the nite for 6 hours straight!!! and ultimately she did agree....!!!

So until u dont try..u mite never find out...So give it a go...Just make sure u ask her at the RIGHT moment...n in the RIGHT MANNER...

all d best!!!

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Try using the "if you weren't my cousin... fill in with I would like to date you, you possess the qualities I

look for in a gf what ever fits for you. If she gives you the "eww" factor, tell her I did say IF. lets you off the hook

as having made a direct declaration and she may say something like "yes too bad".

That then  gives you the opening to find out more or just drop it as you will know if she is

interested or not.

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Thanks for all the advice guys, I really appreciate it with all my heart!

Shantanu, thats a good idea but I already do tell her here and there I care for her and stuff and she basically says the same thing for me. Moreover, I might also be able to get her to stop calling me "baby" bro but shes gonna be confused why I dont want her to call me "bro" either. Back when we were young, I always referred to her as "sis" too but now I just call her by her nickname. I guess the first thing I hav to do is get her to think of me as more than her "bro". The question is... how?

And jaafk, a big congratz to u man! I can only hope I can one day get as lucky as u. Wat exactly is a RIGHT moment?

Romalee, one time she was joking around with me and asking how I am still single given my "irresistible innocent charm". And I told her "Well, say we wernt cousins, would you consider me as dating material?". She replied, "I can never think of u that way, but if I were someone else, I would definitely be interested". Wat does this even mean?

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Thunder,

            Whatever you have told simply but unfortunately shows some sign that she can't think of being with a cousin. So only way you have got is to show her how much you love her and why you are unable think of any other girl. Because until and unless she don't have feelings for you more than as a cousin she won't be able to think of if a relationship can exist between cousins or not. But if she is still don't want to think that way then you must understand that there is not everything in the world we can do or we can get.

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Thanks dude!!

I hope it works out for u too!!

And about the RIGHT moment....its like from time to time during our conversations i used to feel she loves me....just the level of concern, her feelings, her words....a combination of many things...but she wouldn't have the courage to tell me that directly ( She later did admit about all of this).

I was in a dilemma whether i should ask her or it would screw our relationship.But then ultimately there came a point where i felt that i just HAD to ask...i just asked her for an assurance that it wouldn't screw things....n just went for it....n i m glad it did work out the way we wanted...!!!

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See the thing is, if I knew for a fact that she would never accept me as more than a cousin, it would be alot easier for me cuz then I can start the getting over process. But some deep part of my heart tells me that one day she will. Also, we often share songs and recently I started sending her more love type songs in hopes that she might get the hint. But the only reactions I would get is something like "Thanks for the beautiful song"

Also, I was wondering since Im not going to meet her face to face anytime soon and say an emotional moment occurs during on of our long text convos, should I just tell her? Or would it be best to wait and meet her face to face and then let her know.

Thanks again for all the advice guys!!

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Well my cousin always tells me that she wanted me to propose her face to face rather than how i did....( i did it through phone...started via texts n then a call) .....n i dont regret it bcoz ....

1) the thought of the pain of hearing a no on my face was far greater than hearing/seeing it on the phone....

2) if the situation turns bad....its easier to avoid it when on the phone than face to face

3) i wasn't sure when i was gonna meet her next either...so i didn't really want to wait for that...

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Jaafk, I agree with all the points u stated but I dont want my cousin thinking Im a coward or something. Im really bad at talking on the phone cuz I tend to blank out which leads to awkward silences. But if I text her, it might not be personal enough for such a serious confession. U said u had a long talk with your cousin and then she eventually said yes, mind if I ask what u guys talked about?

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am not sure if having such a conversation on the phone would mean u r a coward....but i asked my cousin regarding your case and she too told that phone isn't such a good idea...

Though i still stick to my views...

As for our conversation....

well...during that period both of us would text each other the whole day

i was staying alone at that time but she was with her parents and her younger brother (who all knew it was me was texting ...but i m not sure if they knew how many we exchanged during the day!!)

So her brother started getting a little suspicious about us and started demanding to see our conversations etc and telling us that he is feeling something fishy is going on between us (all of which was like a blessing in disguise!!)

But both of us just rejected him all the time....and i never allowed him to check my phone even though there was nothing to hide at all in the conversations we used to have.

So ultimately on that fateful night....i decided to use this as a ploy just to know her reaction.

I told her about how stupid her bro's suspicions were....and i asked her about how she felt about them....(all through texts)

and suddenly her replies became really short into one or two word replies....

So i understood that i have kinda hit the target...( this was like the start of the RIGHT moment i was talking about....my cousin's replies get shorter once she is thinking too deep)

So i asked her next that what would happen if his suspicion's were true because i really like you a lot...!!!

and she replied i like you too!!!

Thats where i felt that this is it ..i just have to ask now..she seems nearly in the bag...!!! :D

So i just sent her an SMS...."i love you and if ur answer is no i won't show u my face again"

and out of shock...as well as fear that i might do what i said...she gave me a call...at around 12:15 am.

During the call she didn't say no or yes...she feared the consequences of saying yes ...Initially i wasn't able to speak properly...but then i told her how a younger cousin being in love with the older one isn't wrong [in our religion cousin marriages aren't an issue and even in the society people prefer marriages between cousins than marrying outside the family....but a younger guy marrying an elder girl is a strict no no and a huge societal taboo...absolutely opposite of what the religion teaches]

Anyways..she didn't oppose all that...and was more scared of our parents reactions

She didn't say yes until i kind of forced her to...by which it was around 4am !!

She said "i love you" by herself only after 3-4 days!!!

But still it was quite obvious what was in her heart...

Ultimately..i know it wasn't quite the "perfect" way of going about this thing..but it was effective and i did get my desired result...n am sure thats what really matters at the end

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If your cousin is saying its not a good idea, then Im getting a bit worried about talking on the phone too. Ask her if its better if  I asked her during a video call (facetime)?

U sure hav an interesting story of how you and your cousin got together. But see its much harder for me cuz we hav a 8 hour+ time difference. And what I am really worried about is that if I do confess to her and she doesnt happen feel the same way, our relationship is gonna become really awkward. I dont want to lose the relationship I have with her now. But it kills me not letting my feelings out...

Btw, its a bit of a taboo in our family too of older girls getting married to younger guys but Im not worried about that now. The only thing that matters to me right now is getting her to feel the same way about me that I feel about her.

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Well my cousin said that it would be up to you whether you want to do it through video calling but she says if your cousin too feels the same way about you...it would be very very special if you propose in person...something your cousin would probably cherish all life.She said if she was the guy..she wouldn't do it on the phone at all!!

I too had the fear of spoiling the relationship between us...and I guess everybody here must have gone through that...You just have to be patient.

What I wanted to ask you is(if you don't mind)...how does she behave with you in person?

Have you two always been the same since childhood or there is any change in the way she behaves with you when around you?

How sure are you that she does have the same feelings?

Do you get any sort of vibes?

You probably should figure that out before doing anything...

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Thats the thing, I dont know if she feels the same way. If I somehow got a strong indication she does, then I might wait. Besides that, it might be well over a year by the time we meet again. So ask your cousin if the wait and pain of holding it it is going to be worth it

Well, the last time we met was about 3-4 months ago. The best way I can describe her behavior around me is that she basically acted like a close friend around me. She would sit beside me and watch me play on my gaming console or we would watch videos together or play card games. One time when we were watching a video on her phone, she rested her head on my shoulder. Does that mean anything?

Since childhood, she considered me her fav cousin bro...maybe cuz all my cousin sisters consider me their fav cousin bro :P

But over the years, especially this year, we started bonding more and more. And the reason im confused wheater she has the same feeling is cuz of her texts. As I said before, sometimes she calls me handsome, sweet and stuff like that. Today, she said she never wants me to stop talking her cuz I complimented her. But wat confuses me is why does she continue to refer to me as a  "bro"

Exactly, I know I do but the question is....how?

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I don't think she is into you like you are into her.

She probably calls you bro, because that is how she sees you.

Not as a romantic interest.  Because she already told you that.

My advice would be let it go and just be friends for now.  She pretty much knows

how you feel, actions speak louder than words sometimes.  She is not reacting the way

you want because she doesn't  feel the same. 

Remember you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

She obviously isn't thirsty!

Best wishes.

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Well i tend to have a different opinion.

Even my cousin would call me "bro" in order to normalize the earlier part of her sentences!!

So I don't think it necessarily rules out all possibilities of her feelings.

But I guess you should wait until you meet her again in person so that you will be able to gauge her feelings better and theres no guarantee of how things will shape up between you two and between the family in case she doesn't feel the same way.

So considering the delicacy of such relationships ...its worth waiting...

By the time you can get even more closer to her....

Furthermore...you should give small hints to her about your feelings....Someday .....maybe she might open up by herself too...

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Until recently, before I realized I have feelings for her, I used to refer to her as "sis" too. But now I stopped and I noticed shes calling me 'bro' less often now than before. Maybe she doesnt want to feel that way about me cuz she thinks cousin relationships are wrong?

I already started giving her hints, like yesterday I sent her a love song and she replied with another love song! Maybe that can mean something?

But yea I guess I'll wait for now and to me the wait is the hardest part especially since it kills me not expressing my feelings  :(

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Hey everyone!

Here's the update on my situation: My cousin and I continued our daily talks as usual over text but recently I really started noticing that when I am talking to her I feel really happy but right after I do...I feel miserable. Since she hasn't shown any more new signs that she might be interested in me as more than a cousin, I have a decision to make... which I need help in making. My one choice is to keep talking to her like I have been and live in pain hoping one day she might express her feelings as more than cousin (assuming she doesn't atm). My other, more riskier, choice is to stop our daily conversations so I can essentially get over her...which definitely won't be easy but might be for the best.

Thanks and I appreciate any advice!

PS: I love how people here give their time and experienced advice to help others out. U guys rock! :D

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This is such a hard, complicated subject to deal with... I know with me, when I noticed there was a little more feelings then of family love i backed right off and consequently jumped into another relationship (with someone who I later found out was pretty much his best friend). He was also in a relationship at the time too, so that made things more complicated. We played the pleasantries around each other, but truthfully the interaction between us was very limited; but that was also conducted by both of us due to our partner's feelings on the knowledge of us being physical on one occasion.

I find it so hard to analyze other people's situations on here to give advice since my own is so much more different then the average. With us we were already very sexually promiscuous and both had a cousin fetish...the rest kinda fell in place afterwards....we are also basically the male and female versions of each other. So the only problems we have had are all outside sources of how society views it as taboo.

In your scenario though I know I would just back off and forget about it as best as possible - don't just stop talking to her altogether, but back it off considerably. If she does feel the same you will notice it in how she texts. She might begin to text you more often, or become more suggestive in her texts with you. If you see this progression enough to the point you feel more confident to actually come right out and talk about your feelings, then go for it.

When it comes to these things it's such a sticky subject that has to do with our environmental programing; so even if she has those feelings she is most likely in denial of them because of the perception that society projects on it.

In the mean time, maybe try to move on and find somebody else who will make you happy - remember it doesn't necessarily have to be Mrs Right, but be Mrs Right Now.

Best of luck my friend!

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Thanks for the help Missy!! Im glad it worked out with your cousin

I plan on telling her on Valentines day that Im gonna hav to go off the radar for a while to figure some stuff out.

About a year ago, when I talked to her about a crush I was trying to get over, she made me promise to her that "I will get over the any girl who does not like me for who I am".

So on the 14th, I could tell her part of the reason I'm gonna back off is cuz Im trying to keep a promise I made her. Depending on her response, I might admit my feelings.

Thoughts?

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Hey! Friends..same problem. I love my cousin who is two years older than me and we chat almost everyday at night till late hours. But my problem is how to propose her?? I don't want our relationship worse..so plz suggest me to my email...

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hey fellaz.. im in same situation.. whenever we met we talked about life nd love stuff .whenever i called her she always desperately asked me to come and meet her. and finaly when i was with her ... she was kind of ignoring me cause she was loveing some one else.. and after 3 days when i asked her was there something wrong she just ignored ..and was busy on watsapp  and on 5 day when she was not chatting i told her about all my feelings and she just said " you would feel bad if i told you im in love with someone  " .. i know can be now nothing between us but i cant forget her and cant concentrate on my studies..hepl guys..

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this thread is ancient history. if you newcomers would like to get advice, please register and create a new topic.

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