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Guest Guest193

The support here is really helpful

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Guest Guest193

I have been coming to this site on and off for years and I just want to highlight how helpful it has been for me by having this community. 

I married my 2ndcousin 17 years ago - at the time not even really thinking about whether anyone would care if we were related. Mostly because we met as adults and so I feel in our minds neither of us ever thought about being related as we weren’t raised knowing our parents as cousins. 

My fears around being exposed (we don’t tell friends) have only started coming up as my children get older. We tell the children we are related but as they are young keep it vague. But I know it is highly likely our children will tell a friend and so on....and we will probably have to explain the situation to people we don’t want to! 

Annoyingly really as I don’t feel I should have to defend myself. We had genetic counselling, both families were happy with our choice and we have a marriage built on team work. 

While I wouldn’t actively encourage or discourage cousin marriage, as a pose to marrying anyone, it is a shame that the stigma is strong in the western world in particular. I wonder if there is any way this would change in the future? 

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I understand exactly where you are coming from! I am married to my half second cousin once removed or rather “third” cousin genetically, I hate to say half lol. I married without a care in the world as well and it did not bother me because I did not know him and neither did my mom. We only found out when his grandma recognized my mom’s name on her caller id. Talk about weird! For us, it wasn’t strange because we were young teenagers at the time. We hid for a great time and eventually had a baby & married. Then suddenly I started having strange feelings of being extremely wrong and condemned. Almost unworthy. I stare at other couples and just wish I was normal (even though they could be cousins too! Lol). You don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. 

I am back on my spiritual journey and it’s been rather rough for me because I feel like I married the wrong person. Well, I love my husband completely but almost as if it wasn’t exactly the right thing to do. I’d probably never encourage cousin marriage either just because it has caused me a lot of emotional distress BUT I’d never judge anyone else for their choices. After research, it seems like we are all cousins but it’s just a matter of how close. Look at the people who find out they are related to their spouse from 23andme tests. I don’t quite understand how something can become so stigmatized either but maybe it’s not for me to understand. This world is full of judgemental people. I am just learning to trust God in the decisions I have made and letting him guide me from here on out! Nothing else matters.

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Guest Guests12

Thank you for sharing your situation and thoughts. Unfortunately, I see the most effective way is to speak out and show that couples such as yourselves are strong and healthy in your partnership. I’m not sure it’s worth coming out though unless there’s a push for it. I say unfortunately because it would be hard on those who come out first.

Plus, everyone has different dynamics (and proximity) with their levels of cousins growing up so I feel that society at large could never agree on what’s too close to have a romantic relationship. Some first cousins didn’t met until they were adults; some just were never close. All kinds of variables. 

I understand your situation as I met a second cousin as an adult too. I don’t think we will have what you have but in all reality it sounds like despite the burden of the taboo that you found someone you are very happy with.

It would be nice to be accepted by society though. It’s not fair that we connect with someone but have to be made to feel ashamed because not everyone understands the situation. Boards offered on sites like this make finding answers and insight easier when people find themselves in situations like ours. 

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No problem! I struggle with this daily. I don’t think we should look at this as “coming out” because it already feels terribly taboo in the Western world. I think that people just need to be more open minded to people who have gotten themselves into these marriages or relationships and pass no judgement. Cousins married cousins back then and now all of a sudden, its “YUCK!”. You know, its yuck until one day they find themselves in the same situation and want compassion. It works like this with many things in life. If someone is not directly affected by something, they tend to pass more judgement or sweep it under the rug. I think this is long away from being accepted by society as culture has immensely changed. So much is out there now.... its scary.

I agree that there are many dynamics to cousin relationships which is what can make it all the more confusing. Hence, why I would not encourage it. It’s not for everybody. It can carry a huge burden or none at all depending on the situation. However, you have to do what is right in your own particular situation. This site has helped me as well, it’s comforting to know that I am not alone.

 

:) Good luck to you and your marriage! 

 

Blessings,

Le

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Guest Guest193

It is interesting, if you google it 50% people don’t really care and have no issue with cousin marriage or relationships and 50% do....usually those who have been raised in tight big families. 

I would discourage it for my kids, but then I would also discourage them marrying someone from another country as for myself moving has been very challenging. 

It is comforting to find someone else feeling similar @BeautifulLove And to know that I’m not alone in my concerns. I do also balance it with reminding myself there are many many things people will be judgemental about and I have no control over other people’s thoughts. Ie it could be another choice I make about something that leads my friends or people who know me to unfriend me. 

 

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Guest Guest193

But despite what I feel sometimes my husband is supportive and kind and we have worked through many different challenges together. I can’t realky imagine meeting someone else who I fitted with like this - and when I forget we are related it is a very normal relationship, getting through life and doing our best to raise our children the best way we can. 

So even if I would discourage my kids marrying a cousin I do have to own my decision and see the positives. I just hope if and when I have to explain it to some friends (who have made their negative thoughts known without knowing my situation) that they can see the positive not the icky that they may feel. 

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You’re not alone, trust me. It’s definitely something that you cannot just jump ship on especially when there are kids involved. I think the idea of cousin marriage being wrong was socially conditioned. Sure, we are called to be wise in our decision making and some conditions may not make it the best choice but what do you do when you have already did it? You own up to your decisions. I too feel like my husband is my soulmate and the best person for me. I couldn’t imagine being with someone else. I have to start focusing on the positives as well! I have begun counseling to help with the feelings I’ve been having so hopefully I will heal and start seeing my husband as my husband again and not cousin husband. I don’t know if you’re religious but I try to think about Isaac and Rebekah. Like did they call each other cousin after they married? Probably not! The Bible simply refers to them as husband and wife. Today in church I was taught “persistent, consistent prayer!” So what I am going to do is pray for insight concerning my marriage. I am a firm believer that God does not play with marriage or take marriage lightly. I will keep pressing on with my little family! & you be strong! You got this mama. We got this!

 

-Le

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Guest Guests12

Did either one of you experience resistance from your partner at first or feel resistance yourself? If so, what was the process like of getting to know each other? 

I hear what both of you are saying. It'd be nice if other people weren't judgemental. I feel like I would choose a connection over the taboo of what other people think. However, I don't think I'd ever advertise that the person I was seeing was my cousin. I mean taboo situations are never something we grow up hoping to find ourselves in. 

You two have been in this much longer than I. I think it's important to just find other people who understand how you feel. It'd be nice to not have to be faced with situations were you don't feel like you can be open about who you are with but it seems to me that you made the same decision I would make: that the connection is worth it. 

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Guest Guest193

I think we tacitly agreed not to tell people about our family relationship in the beginning at least although from memory we were fairly open with our families right from the start. 

Over the years we have both wished we weren’t related as it isn’t nice having to lie about something just because we don’t want to be judged. But it comes down to oh well it’s done now! And we have two children to prioritise so protecting them is my primary aim. That’s the main reason it bothers me. That they will tell friends and may be judged or the friends parents will judge us. We can choose not to tell anyone and it is none of their business. Our relationship is not illegal nor immoral and not affecting anyone else apart from our children, especially as both our families support us. 

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A kind request to Guest193  and Guest12. Please register as members as that will cut down on the 

need to have approval of all your posts.  My email is overrunning with need to approve guest posts!!!

Thank you.

PS Guest193 I am married to my second cousin for 15 years now. though we don't have children together.

We were beyond that part of our lives when we got together!! I hope you find peace with your decision and can

get on with your lives. If you teach your children it isn't wrong, and give them the tools of proof, they won't be

ashamed of the decision to have them out of the love you and your husband have for  each other.

Best wishes on your journey.

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@Guest12 

The only resistance I got from my spouse was that of a typical teenage guy as we met in middle school. I loved him for two years and drove my mom crazy about this guy who ended up being our cousin years later! Sad twist of fate huh? We kept dating in silence and eventually at my college graduation, I invited him. I am sure deep down my mom still knew but never talked about it. We were engaged a couple of months before my graduation and got pregnant the following year then married two years later. I think the only factor here is that we share a connection. I can bring him around my family and they don’t know he’s actually our cousin .... however, my family would definitely recognize his grandma and aunts because they are cousins. It’s such a strange situation which is why I am attending counseling. I think the idea of them knowing each other creeps me out now. Haha. I didn’t care at all before but now I am older and more aware. 😂 

 

-Le

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