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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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FnE

When his family hates you....

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Hello everyone!

I'm happy to tell everyone that after five years of being separate and two years of not talking to each other, my cousin and I finally decided that we wanted to be happy and have been together for 5 months. I am the happiest I have been and the wait was worth it. Long story short, I have loved my cousin since I was 9 and became a couple at 19. It ended up being a long distance relationship and when our families found out it they were extremely angry. The pressure and the distance got to him and we broke up leaving me devastated. I almost got married with someone else hoping it would make me forget him but my sister knocked some common sense into me and showed me this website. I broke off the engagement, was able to have closure and we didn't speak for 2 years seeing if it was meant to be or if we can move on.

He finally came to the US and he found sneaky ways to always be close to me. After a year when no one was around he stole a kiss. I felt my heart jump and I hugged him tightly. Since then we decided to give ourselves a second chance.

However when his family found out they were quick to fill his head with ideas. My uncle and aunt have been telling him how its wrong, how I'm not the woman for him, how I'm going to leave him heartbroken like my ex-fiance, how I think I'm this princess because I went to college (and going to make him starve) and other nonsense.Then last week they all went to a concert that my bf thought would be a sibling thing but when he saw all his siblings with their g/f or b/fs, he realized I just wasn't invited. 

The biggest culprits are his sister, his brother and his girlfriend. They guilt trip him, they always have rumors to say (like that I'm sleeping around) and humiliate me whenever I'm around then make it seem like I'm the bad person when I complain. Worst as my mom's niece and nephews, they are good at turning my mom against me as well over this relationship.

It was this pressure and this bad mouthing that led to our first breakup. I'm so scared to lose him again over his family. It hurts more because they are my family too but everyone even my mother are always going on how I'm a slut (because to all of them they want me to get back with my ex fianc?), how I have no shame, and how I'm going to sleep with all my cousins now, and how I think I'm better than everyone because I'm graduating soon and have a job in my field.

The worst problem of all is that I feel I can't handle the pressure either but I don't want to leave him. Not after all these years that I always wanted to be with him. He wants everything with me, he wants to marry me, have a life with me and he distances himself from his family. He doesn't believe the rumors but he feels bad. I'd hate having him choose. I don't know what to do... I feel my happy ending is being taken away... :cry:

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FnE,

      You have handled so much till now so don't give up if both of you wants the same thing. You both are big guys now. As you say he don't believe on the rumors and so don't you must, but they're your family so you can't take any long step by hurting them. You have to tell them that you are not the kind of girl they think or what they want him to think coz you know yourself better than everyone else and so your sister, I assume.

And he has to understand that you've done so many bravo for him like you said you broke off you engagement and you bear all that pain when people tell unbearable pity things about you. He has to be more brave and tell everyone or let everyone know that he wants only you even after whatever things they say about you. And if he really loves you he has to show the sign to his family that this is the only way it can go. And I think the family has to understand this one day.

And your sister can help you very widely ( if she still supports you). She can let some of them know that cousin marriage is not that big deal that they understand and she has many reference to support her view.

So, take your actions wisely, keep calm and be cool.

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Please do not let them guilt trip you. I have been with my first cousin now for 16 years, it has been the best relationship ever. His family is still talking about me behind my back, saying I'm doing this and that, much the same as you. But... remember Mary and Joseph... There is nothing wrong with being with your cousin, and I feel sad for his side of the family, who believe they are devout Christians. But no where in the bible did it ever say, talk bad about people behind their backs, and then tell ten friends, and more, and oh yes, just last week my dentist... Yes, they did. I'm an evil person... And I would be lying if I said it did not bother me, but not enough to let go of the best person in my life. And you know what, it doesn't matter what they say. Their myopic viewpoint is only strangling them. My side of the family, my mother and step dad are fine with it, and they love my cousin like a son. And they are old fashion.

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shantanu22,

The only person in my family who supports this is my sister. To me that's enough but I know its gets to him at times. Its not so much believing his family its how he gets alienated from his family because he refuses to.

After this amount of years there is no reasoning with them. I was trying to reason with his sister so that we can talk like two grown women who are family. My best friend stood there watching as his sister humiliated me and started to blame me for things that I wasn't doing. My best friend pulled me away as she couldn't bear to see the situation and in angry tears told me there was no reasoning with that family.

Even my oldest cousin who has seen the situation is finally exhausted. He tells me the solution is either to learn how to deal with the gossip or cut my veins to take their blood out because like it or not that this is what I get for getting with his brother. I have to deal with my family and its best to find someone else.

Keeping calm and cool is all I can do. Thank you for your advice.

-E

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jonnn,

I can not wait until I can say I have been with my cousin for 16 years. Its beautiful to always hear about long relationships especially in this day and age. I know, it bothers me so much and sometimes I just cry because its my own family. I can't cut them off because my mother and my grandmother make it such a big deal that its my fault this is going on. As you, I can not let him go. I've been through a lot to finally be with him and I'm happy. My sister is fine with it but that's where it ends. Even his younger sister who was so close to me back then is against me. I don't know what happened but she has completely changed and tells all his exes who I am on fb to send me messages. I'm glad your family is fine with it. Especially since they are old fashion! You are blessed. Had I had my entire side of my family on my side, I would be more braver.

-E

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