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LikeAStone

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When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are. Anything your heart desires will come to you…

 

You still haven’t come to me.

 

Delight thyself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

 

When? He has destroyed it anyway.

 

I went to the park today. I took my nephew. There I was… with my nephew. Everyone else was a mom, a dad, and two kids of varying ages. Strollers, princess skirts, bicycle helmets. Families. Love. As I stared into the park, I acknowledged so factually that none of that will ever be mine because the only one to have it with is you. And I don’t have you. And I don’t have that with you. If there is no you, then I don’t even want any of it.

 

A nice house. Nice things. I bought a house. For just me. It’s not my forever house. Someday it will be a bigger, better house just the way I dream of. I guess… It will never be just the way I dream of without you. And I don’t know when “someday” is because I don’t even want these things without you. What good is a big, beautiful home when you’re not in it with me? It’s an empty home. It’s not a home; it’s a house. It’s a house I have to drag my broken heart through all by myself.

 

Nothing means anything without you. I don’t even care. My heart longs for nothing but you.

 

I told you I want to marry you. You didn’t say you don’t love me the same way. You didn’t say we can’t because we’re cousins. You told me you’d be too much of a headache for me. Because life so far without you hasn’t been one. Right. It’s been a headache, it’s been painful, it’s been so entirely empty and disappointing, it’s been a huge secret that I can’t tell anyone but you, and it’s been hell, frankly. Because I am without you. You know I love you. You know in what way I love you. You point out the bad things about yourself, as if I don’t know your life and all the wrongs and bad you’ve done. I don’t know what you’re trying to tell me. I still love you. Love might be blind, but I’m not. I know your bad. I know your good. I know you. And no matter how many years go by and who else I have loved, you’re the only thing that fits in my heart like it should.

 

It’s not just my heart that is broken. My wings are broken. I am broken. Life is broken.

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Hang in there.  We know the pain and problems of a cousin-romance.  Me too.  We couldn't tell anyone either.  Life will get better. 

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On 5/5/2019 at 1:23 AM, LikeAStone said:

When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are. Anything your heart desires will come to you…

 

You still haven’t come to me.

 

Delight thyself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

 

When? He has destroyed it anyway.

 

I went to the park today. I took my nephew. There I was… with my nephew. Everyone else was a mom, a dad, and two kids of varying ages. Strollers, princess skirts, bicycle helmets. Families. Love. As I stared into the park, I acknowledged so factually that none of that will ever be mine because the only one to have it with is you. And I don’t have you. And I don’t have that with you. If there is no you, then I don’t even want any of it.

 

A nice house. Nice things. I bought a house. For just me. It’s not my forever house. Someday it will be a bigger, better house just the way I dream of. I guess… It will never be just the way I dream of without you. And I don’t know when “someday” is because I don’t even want these things without you. What good is a big, beautiful home when you’re not in it with me? It’s an empty home. It’s not a home; it’s a house. It’s a house I have to drag my broken heart through all by myself.

 

Nothing means anything without you. I don’t even care. My heart longs for nothing but you.

 

I told you I want to marry you. You didn’t say you don’t love me the same way. You didn’t say we can’t because we’re cousins. You told me you’d be too much of a headache for me. Because life so far without you hasn’t been one. Right. It’s been a headache, it’s been painful, it’s been so entirely empty and disappointing, it’s been a huge secret that I can’t tell anyone but you, and it’s been hell, frankly. Because I am without you. You know I love you. You know in what way I love you. You point out the bad things about yourself, as if I don’t know your life and all the wrongs and bad you’ve done. I don’t know what you’re trying to tell me. I still love you. Love might be blind, but I’m not. I know your bad. I know your good. I know you. And no matter how many years go by and who else I have loved, you’re the only thing that fits in my heart like it should.

 

It’s not just my heart that is broken. My wings are broken. I am broken. Life 

Life is so unfair and funny, some people tried reaching out but were disappointed and some people are waiting to be reached out! 

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That is beautiful. good idea posting it here in this safe space. it will eventually get easier but it could be some time away. I found it helpful to pick a time of the day I let myself think about it and feel all the emotions for about half an hr then put it away until the next day. it might help you take some control of something so all consuming and painful. In time the time I needed to grieve it shortened and became less frequent.

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