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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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love4him

Im scared..

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I'm in love with my first cousin.. have been all my life.. i didn't realize it til i was 12 and now we have been together on and off since i was 15.. hes done me wrong so many times.. and i just keep coming back my heart wont let me walk away.. hes ruined all of my beliefs in fairytales and relationships. The first time he left me he was scared of the family.. i couldn't blame him for that but it broke my heart.. the second time he ended it with me he didn't even say anything to me he just avoided me.. he wouldn't look at me. I lost it and slept with a bunch of different guys.. started drinking and smoking.. cutting myself. Hes the one.. my one and only. but he kept leaving me blaming it on being scared.. i had given him all of myself but i felt like i wasn't good enough..  i started a diet and i cant take compliment's he ruined my self esteem. now im 17 and hes back a third time and hes promising never to leave me ever again. Hes talking about marriage.. and god i love him. i know hes my one like i said but what if he leaves me again? i would just kill myself this time i think.    Plus my mom knows about before and I've had to lie to her face 5 times that nothing is going on again.. I've had to swear it to her. and shes threatened me. told me she wont let me stand in the way of her family. told me if we id get back together she'd kill herself and that i'd be killing my grandma also... But i love him. but im scared. I wanna be with him but im so damaged this time around. im not sure about anything..

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Why are you lying to your mom?

If she can see some of what's going on in your life from your behavioural patterns, why is there not trust and honesty in your relationship with her?

I'll add that I am less than enamoured by the little you have communicated here about her verbalisations. 

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lori, she's 17. that explains most of the questions you have.

love4him, listen... i know i'm going to sound like an old fuddy-duddy that hasn't got a clue what it's like to be young and in love, but that's ok. that's a normal perspective when you're young, and haven't yet learned that much about how to navigate the minefields of your heart.

first of all, you need to talk to someone you can trust. and as much as i'd love to say 'talk to your mom', i also know it will be many years before you and your mother can have THAT kind of relationship. but you need to seek out someone. not just a friend your age, but an adult. do you have a teacher whom you can trust? or maybe you can see a school counselor... i'd recommend having a light conversation with each one until you see if you feel comfortable enough to share anything deeper.  if you can't find someone trustworthy that you're comfortable with at school, consider a neighbor... or a friend's mother... someone at church... someone at a church that your parents don't attend... or someone that works at a youth center or something.

the cutting is definitely something that should be addressed, by the way. that's an underlying, potentially life threatening problem, and it's not going to just magically disappear even if things magically became perfect with you and your cousin.

now as for what you're cousin is doing, that's so normal for a boy his age! relationships are SCARY! and a relationship that might meet family objections and peer scorn? that's downright terrifying for a guy. add that to the whole thing that at this age, (and i'm assuming that he is near your age), neither of you is emotionally ready for a lifetime commitment. this is a time when you're both supposed to be learning HOW to be in a relationship... and trust me, there are always going to be a lot of stumbles during that learning process. the odds of any couple who gets together at 15, or even 17, actually getting married are pretty small. and the odds of a couple who marries their high school sweetheart STAYING married beyond a few years are way, way smaller.

please, talk to someone.

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i know everything your saying is true but i truly don't wanna be without him. i love him more then i could ever express and when I'm not around him its like a numbness.. a nothingness.. nothing else compares to how i feel when I'm with him so everything else is dull.. its like he takes me on this high that i cant come down from when hes next to me. Honestly I'm not kidding when i say when he kisses me its like my heart stops for a moment. I love him to the point where i was with this one guy for 2 years.. and god i cared for that country boy.. but as soon as my cousin came back i left my country boy in a heart beat.. i even cried about it and i miss him .. but i love my cousin more..

as for someone to talk to... thats why i turned to this website.. my mom and my aunt were my best friends in the world i could tell them anything.. but now they aren't even trying to listen to me they just cry and tell me how i could have a better life and fuss at me about how im ruining my family... I'm out of school i have my G.E.D and my whole family goes the two churches in my town..

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the relationship dynamics between a mom and daughter at this age are going to be like a roller coaster.... and will probably continue this way for many years. we can be here only to a degree for you... we're no substitute for being able to sit down face to face with someone and having a heartfelt cry! find somebody! we'll be here too, but you still need someone in real life that you can talk to.

and yep, i understand what you're saying. trust me when i say though, that the intensity of what you're feeling now is largely due to the newness of emotions. and i don't mean that you're just starting to feel for him, i mean that in terms of emotional maturity and experience. intensity is not a bad thing, but knowing what to do with all that emotion can be daunting, and even dangerous at this point (i.e. the cutting.... other young women may become self-destructive in other ways, like eating disorders, drugs, alcohol, careless sex, etc.)

when you start feeling overwhelmed by the emotions and feelings for him, slow down and take a deep breath. force yourself to look beyond your immediate desires, and on to the bigger picture. and that bigger picture includes waiting, taking time for each of you to learn (through other relationships) what makes a relationship work or not work. yes, that may mean you need to both 'let go' for a while. i know how hard that is, but if you rush headlong into this right now anyway, you're dooming your relationship to probable failure.

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love4him:

So much of what you write concerns me greatly.  The promiscuity, cutting, dieting, threatening to kill yourself are all clues that there is something larger happening in your life than rejection from a guy.  Don't make excuses for not finding someone to talk to.  We on this site can offer some support, but we are not in a position to give you the kind of help you really need.  LadyC is correct when she says that your problems will not go away even if there is a magical, fairy-tale ending to your cousin romance.  Find a counselor today!  Many places offer free/reduced counseling services.  What you are doing to yourself is very troublesome.  Even if you are in a small town (which I assume you are), you can go to the next town over and find a pastor, priest, rabbi, community services, SOMEBODY who can be a sounding board for you.  Do it TODAY!

I know that when you are 17 your emotions can seem overwhelming (I have 2 daughters around your age).  But listen, no guy is worth doing harm to yourself.  You do not want to make a guy the center of your universe - no matter how much in love you are!  A guy should be there to support and encourage you - not to make you feel less than. 

If you are still living at home, then you really need to follow your mom's rules - no matter how petty they may seem.  Clearly she is not ready to see the value in a relationship with your cousin, and that is the simple fact of the matter.  Once you are on your own, which will happen sooner than you think, you can pursue any relationship you want.  But for now, the decision is made for you.  Is it fair?  No.  But it is what it is.

You need to find value in yourself before any guy will find value in you.  Work on making you the best you possible.  Since you have your GED, apply for scholarships and loans and start working on a college degree that will allow you to make a good living and become financially independent.  Start making your life happen! 

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OK i get what your saying about taking care of myself and figuring out myself first and all that. 

thats a good idea and ill really try to work on myself for awhile.. getting help through?.. i probably wont.. cause that would involve telling someone.. and then they'd want to know why i started that all. which i cant tell them cause its because of my cousin romance. more then that. my family is having it to rough to send me to anyone for help anyway. money problems and car problems and bleh.

more then that.. because of the car problem the next town over idea isnt really a choice for finding someone to talk to. i honestly have no one i can talk to. if i did in anyway trust me i would..

I was going to start college this January... but with the car problems, plus we will be moving soon, i had to decide to wait another year... though i will be looking for a job soon. Is that good for starting my future?

I haven't cut.. smoked.. or drank since i got with him again.. i haven't even gotten the urge to do any of those things.. he makes me wanna be better the only thing i still do is diet... I love him.. he makes me feel safe.. and hes the only one who has ever supported my dreams in life..

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