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Richard_Fox

I am confused on how to deal with my crush towards my cousin

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During my preteen years (Currently 19, turning 20 in August) I would occasionally see my single Uncle's children during school breaks. I generally thought they were annoying and bratty (though I likely was the same), and often ignored them and played with my Aunt's children. 

Only this past week, my Uncle's eldest son had his graduation. I went up to Colorado for his graduation and we had a wail of a time. We went to sports games, went on hikes, played in children's parks, etc. I was the happiest I've ever been, but not specifically for these reasons. I don't know the exact moment it started, but I remember my female cousin (16 turning 17) told me that I wasn't as mean as I used to be. At that moment she was still just my cousin to me, albeit more interesting than last we met.

But then something changed. She started resting her head on my legs when we watched films in our bean bags. She started hanging around me over her own honorary sister and our shared cousins. After the baseball game (Orioles vs Rockies - my first game), she hung her arm around me, suggesting she was following the buddy system - that if she got lost in the crowd she would want to be with someone who had a phone. Understandable, and somewhat fitting with her odd personality, except she continued doing this for the next hour and a half, even after the crowds were gone. She didn't stop until we got to our separate vehicles. And during the time, I accidently grabbed her hand, and she just smiled at me.

Later that night she went back to laying on my legs, and I am near certain she was doing it intentionally (reasons too complicated for me to explain at the moment). As opposed to the past, everytime her brothers made fun of me she defended me. As we went to sleep I stared her in the eyes for longer than any person would consider normal and yet she made no remarks. It was that night, the night before I left, that I felt something for her.

The next morning I hugged her before I set off to drive back down to Fort Worth, TX (I live in Georgia btw), where I have been spending time with my other cousins and my grandparents. It was probably the most meaningful hug I have ever given, and she also seemed sad I was leaving.

My first problem is a psychological one: Do I actually like her or am I just feeling this way because she has filled a vacant position my birth mother left open? My birth mother was a loon and my dad got full custody of me at two years old. I have never known my mother, but I have suffered from never having that motherly, comforting person in my life. Second question - does it matter if the secondary position is true? Can I not love someone for filling a position left by another? Perhaps this would be a stronger bond altogether (at least from my perspective).

My second problem is this: Does she like me? Perhaps I am hyperbolizing her actions and rhetoric because I want it to be true. Perhaps she is just of an odd character. Though I've never seen her be so physical with anyone, I am also rarely around her. I would talk to her and try to weasel this information out of her, but her stepmother has banned her cellphone use except during band performances (her stepmother is somewhat strict), and I didn't want to tell her my email as it might seem weird to the other family members at the farewell. Besides, she doesn't have her own PC. I want to be able to ascertain her feelings, and if she is also in agreement, to build and strengthen our relationship.

As for sexual intrigue, I know that lust is not why I am interested in her. Though she is pretty, she does not meet my standards for sexy. It is her character (or perhaps the one I superimposed) that I am interested in.

My last problem: If we attempt to get together, to build a relationship, what do I do to appease our family? My grandparents (I only have one known set due to having no mother) might be okay with it, my Grandfather likely more so than my Grandmother, being from North Carolina originally, but my greater concern is my father, his brother (her father), her stepmother, and my closest cousins. They are very modern people, with complex yet baseless ideas about marriage. Knowing them, I feel that they all will see such a relationship as incestual. Not to mention that my dad and his brother, though not enemies, are not great allies either. I can live with my grandparents not liking the relationship, for they will submit nonetheless to family, but I love my father and would like to be around for my half-sister, and she loves her father and even her stepmother. If they disagreed, which is likely, then it would be the end. 

*Edit - removed useless background information*

I understand that you guys don't know her or I so you're not wholly capable of giving factual answers, but I just needed to get this off of my shoulders. Perhaps you could just give your opinion on the problems I bring to the table...

Edited by Richard_Fox
Jargon

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Hi Richard,

Before I answer, I need to ask you something coz the text is a little long. I will read it in detail after my question has been answered.. When was your last serious girlfriend? Has it been about a year already since your last? Or...?

 

Pooch

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Yes the text is long, but I wanted to give at least some insight into my situation. Though I was in Colorado for 5 days, the situation described takes up the final 2 days.

And to answer your question - I have never ever been in a serious relationship, let alone a relationship at all. I am an extremely particular mind and though I've had crushes and been sexually intrigued by women, I have never felt this odd happiness before.

 

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Hi Richard,

Thanks for answering. Here's my response:

On 5/28/2019 at 4:02 PM, Richard_Fox said:

Does she like me?

General question. Of course she like you. But she likes you as what though...thats the question. Because I dont think she likes you as a boyfriend let alone somebody who would be her Romeo (if she is Juliet). You see, my almost-correct hunch is that she is just comfortable around you...and that's it. 

All guys have the rule: "Thou shall not assume lest your heart get broken". So be careful around her. She is comfortable with you and that's about it. Do not read things BEYOND that. That will be a mistake. Unless you figure things out on your own first -- then you proceed. But insofar as your cousin is concerned, I would say nope. She does not like you in that way... she is comfortable with you because she trusts you...that you are a good guy..and a harmless guy..a guy who will do her no harm and would protect her since she knows you. She knows that you can be trusted..heck she might even take her shirt off and just be in her bra around you and cook something or whatever without thinking that you are there staring at her. Her behavior towards you is without malice and she will do the same to all the guy friends she has..but probably more to you since you are her cousins and she trusts you.

There's my piece. I will reply to others later.

 

Pooch

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Continuation.

Here's the rest,

On 5/28/2019 at 4:02 PM, Richard_Fox said:

My first problem is a psychological one: Do I actually like her or am I just feeling this way because she has filled a vacant position my birth mother left open?

Dude, whatever baggage and crap you have, you have to separate that in assessing your feelings about her. Those are totally separate things. If you mix them up, you will be a mess. This kind of self-examination is like lifting the chair where you are sitting. It will pretty much just shoot you in your own foot. Know what I'm saying? If you like her, then you like her. If you got issues with your mom, that's a totally separate thing that you need to deal with yourself. All that mix up and psychological matters are crap. I totally diminish this mix-up and so that's my first point. 

What I can say though about this matter is that your mom is your mom. Do something about it yourself and deal and look at the future -- rather than scale back assessing your childhood. That's useless crap man. Now with regards to the girl (cousin), at this stage in your life, I believe that it is better for you to not do anything. In other words, be willing to lose her. Until you do not have this mindset of her being gone, you cannot go on man.. I tell ya.

If the second is true,namely, 

On 5/28/2019 at 4:02 PM, Richard_Fox said:

Second question - does it matter if the secondary position is true?

Of course dude! All of us have baggages anyways. You are not alone man. :)

Now to the second problem,

On 5/28/2019 at 4:02 PM, Richard_Fox said:

I would talk to her and try to weasel this information out of her

This says a lot.

You see, if a girl likes you, and I mean really likes you, you will know. You definitely WILL know. There's no need to "weasel an information" because in doing this, you are merely "stretching" it. Like a shirt that is a little small for you but you are still trying to fit it. It will fit if you plow hard, but it's gonna be forced..the attraction is forced.. totally not cool. And I bet, that's not what you want, right? You want a girl that's gonna be head over heels for you and would know you and will really be yours and a partner in life. But if this girl does not show it, and that you need to extract it from her, then I prefer to be in the cautious side. After all, the girl is just a girl, right? It's not like you gonna fail and repeat a semester or something big like that, right? It. is. just. a. freaking. girl. No big deal man. Be willing to lose her and focus on your life. It will do you wonders. :) I even will bet that if you do that and you withdraw, there is a possibility that she will treat that move as being jerkish and would come crawling after you...

Then you know what to do. ;)

On 5/28/2019 at 4:02 PM, Richard_Fox said:

I want to be able to ascertain her feelings, and if she is also in agreement, to build and strengthen our relationship.

No need. She needs some growing up anyways like you. You do not need to rush things man. But I bet she is hot, yeah? Which brings me to the next part of the query:

On 5/28/2019 at 4:02 PM, Richard_Fox said:

As for sexual intrigue, I know that lust is not why I am interested in her. Though she is pretty, she does not meet my standards for sexy. It is her character (or perhaps the one I superimposed) that I am interested in.

Oh shut up. Dude, come on now. Just tell me she's hot and we don't have to talk about anything. The sooner you admit it in yourself, the easier it will be to you, believe me man. Man is a visual creature. Of course lust is a vice -- but don't get too caught up with that. I know you got good intentions with her and you like her as an over all package (not just physical) but you gotta at least admit that your eyes gives that second look man. The physical MUST be there. What, are you saying that she is ugly? fat? has uneven teeth? Has split ends? has body odor? has acne all over? Dude, you gotta say that the physical is definitely important. The character crap comes in almost secondary. lol. Know what I'm saying? If you are attracted to her, admit it man. Admit it to yourself. Or maybe you are not attracted to her, then deal with it. Either it is a categorically yes or no. It is what it is. 

I am not even interested in her character (well, at least not yet). Hence, until you admit the previous paragraph, I won't answer (yet) the question below

On 5/28/2019 at 4:02 PM, Richard_Fox said:

My last problem: If we attempt to get together, to build a relationship, what do I do to appease our family? My grandparents (I only have one known set due to having no mother) might be okay with it, my Grandfather likely more so than my Grandmother, being from North Carolina originally, but my greater concern is my father, his brother (her father), her stepmother, and my closest cousins. They are very modern people, with complex yet baseless ideas about marriage. Knowing them, I feel that they all will see such a relationship as incestual. Not to mention that my dad and his brother, though not enemies, are not great allies either. I can live with my grandparents not liking the relationship, for they will submit nonetheless to family, but I love my father and would like to be around for my half-sister, and she loves her father and even her stepmother. If they disagreed, which is likely, then it would be the end. 

Of course I have an answer to this, having been in a cousin-relationship myself. Keep in touch man. :)

Just some clarifications though: So your dad and her dad are siblings, right? And so you guys have the same surname, yeah?

 

Pooch

Pooch

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Thanks for the replies! I agree that perhaps I should put a lid on the psychological problems, but I'm just the kind of person who over-analyzes everything. I didn't mean to garnish any pity, I rather was merely suggesting that this might have led me to this belief.

And as far as believing she likes me, I am almost certain she does. I understand the idea that she may just feel comfortable and safe around me, but this is some physical interaction way beyond what I've ever seen from her, let alone anyone in my family. She doesn't even do this to her own father, who I would presume she would feel the safest around. Though I am nearly certain she likes me, I just wanted your opinion since my experience was short-lived and new to me - and I appreciate the response.

As for lust, of course I am attracted to her (though I don't believe those two ideas are one and the same). She has pretty brown eyes and the most unique curly black hair I've seen. I don't want to get into detail about anything else I appreciate since its unnecessary. I can say that I was (and am) sexually attracted to her. But her character is most definitely not secondary - personality and motivations mean far more to me than physical beauty ever would. This goes back to the big sack of motherhood I carry around ;)

I am attracted to her - there, you have it!

And as far as the clarification, Yes our dads our siblings and we have the same surname, is there any problem with this? Or were you just curious? And though its slightly besides the point, I intend to legally change my name to Richard Montycellian Fox next year, so our surnames would technically be different (though it changes nothing but the coat of paint).

*Edit: Our surnames are actually already different, mine being Westerfield-Andrews (on by birth certificate) and hers being Andrews. Just a curio.*

Edited by Richard_Fox
Additional Curio Info

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1 hour ago, Richard_Fox said:

I am attracted to her - there, you have it!

There you go. Ok now that we got that out of the way, now is the time to test her character. You said,

1 hour ago, Richard_Fox said:

But her character is most definitely not secondary - personality and motivations mean far more to me than physical beauty ever would.

You have to describe this one, my friend. What do you like about her? Is she punctual? Does she fix her room (clean personality)? You have to tell some stuff that you like about her. We can start from there. :)

1 hour ago, Richard_Fox said:

And as far as the clarification, Yes our dads our siblings and we have the same surname, is there any problem with this? Or were you just curious? And though its slightly besides the point, I intend to legally change my name to Richard Montycellian Fox next year, so our surnames would technically be different (though it changes nothing but the coat of paint).

Not that I am curious but there's just (probably) some concerns with this one (but we'll sort it later on as the thread progresses). I just thought I ask right now since you mentioned it. Anyways, now just for curiosity's sake, how many siblings does your dad have? Does your dad's side of family a big family or a small one? Like.. does your dad and her dad have 7 siblings or something? Or pretty average?

 

Pooch

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1 hour ago, pooch said:

You have to describe this one, my friend. What do you like about her? Is she punctual? Does she fix her room (clean personality)? You have to tell some stuff that you like about her. We can start from there. :)

I appreciate the smiley face! :)

As for her personality, she is industrious in work-ethic, caring, enjoys good company, vivacious, holds on to her childhood love of Unicorns (it gets me every time), she is malleable to whatever environment she lives in (capable of dealing with whatever comes her way fairly well), loves the outdoors (as well as the indoors), loves stories (fiction and non-fiction), and seems to enjoy when I spout off random information I've collected (most people just tend to ignore me). She seems to prefer honesty to both loyalty and charity, which is big for me. She also likes tabletop games which is fantastic! And the physical interaction is a plus.

As for her motivations, she doesn't want to be a world-traveler (though she would like to go places), she doesn't care about being rich or famous (though she would be fine with having money enough to be financially secure and to enjoy life), and she wants to pursue an intellectual pathway (nursing and possibly doctoring). She also wants to have a family.

1 hour ago, pooch said:

Anyways, now just for curiosity's sake, how many siblings does your dad have? Does your dad's side of family a big family or a small one? Like.. does your dad and her dad have 7 siblings or something? Or pretty average?

I am not sure what "average" was for his generation, seeing as "Average" nowadays is around 2. He does have 4 siblings, totaling 5 altogether. 2 brothers and 3 sisters. The family also pseudo-adopted another girl who was raised with them.

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On 6/5/2019 at 12:20 PM, Richard_Fox said:

As for her personality, she is industrious in work-ethic, caring, enjoys good company, vivacious, holds on to her childhood love of Unicorns (it gets me every time), she is malleable to whatever environment she lives in (capable of dealing with whatever comes her way fairly well), loves the outdoors (as well as the indoors), loves stories (fiction and non-fiction), and seems to enjoy when I spout off random information I've collected (most people just tend to ignore me). She seems to prefer honesty to both loyalty and charity, which is big for me. She also likes tabletop games which is fantastic! And the physical interaction is a plus.

Cool! Looks like she is good, huh? Still try to wait out a little bit more. You don't know her yet, man.. I suggest you take this matter as slow as you can be. If you can actually reduce your contact with her, that will be great. Increasing it will speed it up while decreasing contact with her makes her stay in touch but at the same time puts you on her radar. It makes it "steady" but be consistent though. In the meantime, make sure that you plan on things for both of your future. What do you want to become? Are you planning on finishing your bachelor's degree? And if so, what will be a good job after that? Are you working part time right now? What's the deal?

On 6/5/2019 at 12:20 PM, Richard_Fox said:

As for her motivations, she doesn't want to be a world-traveler (though she would like to go places), she doesn't care about being rich or famous (though she would be fine with having money enough to be financially secure and to enjoy life), and she wants to pursue an intellectual pathway (nursing and possibly doctoring). She also wants to have a family.

Hmm.. So she wants kids, right? How about you? Do you want to have kids? I mean, not necessarily with her... but Im asking you, as a guy yourself...?

On 6/5/2019 at 12:20 PM, Richard_Fox said:

I am not sure what "average" was for his generation, seeing as "Average" nowadays is around 2. He does have 4 siblings, totaling 5 altogether. 2 brothers and 3 sisters. The family also pseudo-adopted another girl who was raised with them.

I see.. I am just thinking as to what his family dynamic is like. Do you guys frequently go to their place during holidays and family gatherings? 

By the way, I asked about the surname because, sometimes it can get tricky if you guys have the same surnames. You know, it's better if you guys do not share the same surname. It is just me talking as a guy who is not originally from North America. hehe..

 

Pooch

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On 6/12/2019 at 2:38 PM, pooch said:

Cool! Looks like she is good, huh? Still try to wait out a little bit more. You don't know her yet, man.. I suggest you take this matter as slow as you can be. If you can actually reduce your contact with her, that will be great. Increasing it will speed it up while decreasing contact with her makes her stay in touch but at the same time puts you on her radar.

Ha, well I am forced to take it slow anyhow, seeing as I have few methods of contacting her. I manage though.

The reality is that no communication exists except through my letters and the occasional phone call. She is deprived of having a phone by her parents, and has no personal computer for email. I can talk to her only by calling her brother, which is awkward. I believe my letters are quaint and polite. Though you might be thinking of love letters, these letters are actually just myself addressing ideas and asking questions. But I value honesty, and withholding information seems wrong. Sure she might not be ready for it, but on the other hand she might go on thinking I don't feel for her in that way and thus won't express herself to me. So far I've been gradually introducing the idea to her, through subtle remarks about her in the text of the letters. 

On 6/12/2019 at 2:38 PM, pooch said:

Hmm.. So she wants kids, right? How about you? Do you want to have kids? I mean, not necessarily with her... but Im asking you, as a guy yourself...?

I totally want kids. I actually find this trait very appealing.

On 6/12/2019 at 2:38 PM, pooch said:

What do you want to become? Are you planning on finishing your bachelor's degree? And if so, what will be a good job after that? Are you working part time right now? What's the deal?

I want to be a bio-robotic engineer, specializing in advanced prostheses. I am currently attending a community college, majoring in Computer Programming, but intend to move on to a larger university and majoring in Bio-molecular engineering there. I have been trying to transfer into the Georgia Institute of Technology but they keep declining my application even though my grades and test scores are great. My next try is for the United States Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs, Colorado. I work part time (27-30 hours/week) as a line cook at a Red Lobster.

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5 hours ago, Richard_Fox said:

I can talk to her only by calling her brother, which is awkward.

This should be your next milestone man. You have to be comfortable with her family and vice versa. Actually, the more you talk to her brother, the closet you get to the girl.

Think about it.

So you gotta befriend your cousin man. Like, keep in touch with him and stuff. It will give you TONS of edge when you are in good terms with her brother...

I mean, after all, she loves her brother right? He is important to her. Hence if that person is important to you as well, this relationship will do you wonders. I tell ya .

 

I will respond to others afterwards.

 

Pooch

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5 hours ago, Richard_Fox said:

I totally want kids. I actually find this trait very appealing.

Cool. Got it. Fully noted, sir.

Pooch

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My cousin is a year older than me and he stays at my grandmas over the summer. He’s kinda a player and I don’t know if he likes me or not. He’s totally comfortable with touching me and will often do so. He also likes to play fight with me, and whenever he makes a joke he looks at my reaction first. To me it seems like he likes me, but this is where the problem comes in. I have no idea weather it’s just a cousin thing or not. Part of me also thinks he just likes toying with me. I do really like him a lot though so I need some help.

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Before I answer, I need to ask you something coz the text is a little long. I will read it in detail after my question has been answered.. When was your last serious girlfriend? Has it been about a year already since your last? Or...?

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