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Dovey

I’m afraid I’ve developed feelings for my second cousin...help?

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Hi. So, I’m currently 14, and so is my second cousin. (who I’ve known only less than a year now) Now, I know I seem somewhat juvenile for this type of this discussion, but I’m in dire need of help. See, the thing is, nowadays, it’s pretty clear that kids as young as 12 have relationships. Most of the time, they don’t last, it’s obvious, but I have feelings for my second cousin that I’m certain I’ve had for nobody before, nor do I think I can have them for anyone else. She’s beautiful. But that wasn’t the first thing I noticed. We met at an amusement park, when our parents introduced us to each other no less than a year ago. What I noticed first about her was that she seemed bothered. Worried, distressed, and I immediately felt the same way—at least the way that she looked. Now, she lives in the US. I’m US born, but I temporarily live in another country until about 11th grade. 

Consider it what you may, a “long distance relationship” or whatever, but this makes me even more distressed. See, this was the day after they’d come from America. They did a lot that day, and maybe, just maybe she was simply exhausted from all the activities they did. 

A few days after, they were still here, we met again. She looked the same way through their stay here. She constantly has this look of ponder. This daydreaming sort of physical characteristic. But it doesn’t bother me at all. For all I’m concerned, if something is going with her, I’d stand up for her and protect her from whatever is to happen. 

So, as I said it’s only a little less than a year we know each other now. We went to their house in Fl for a few days in December though, I learnt that we’re actually pretty close. Yet, I fear it could be that she only treats me this way because she thinks of me as simply her “cousin” don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing bad about that, it’s just that she might not really feel as a feel for her because of this. I see her as a stranger. A stranger who’s simply disguised as a “second cousin”. This seems to me to be a challenge put in place by fate to exercise my heart in hopes of seeing how strong - willed I really am. Know you must, she’s my only second cousin, who’s my age. Well, frankly she’s my only cousin in general, who is my age. First and second cousins alike. 

Cousins are supposed to feel like a distant sibling, there to give advice, moral support, empathy, but she doesn’t only do that. We’ve known each other for a measly 9 months yet, I feel like I can tell her anything. Well, at least almost, everything. I feel as though, if I were to say anything to her about how I feel, our extremely short-lived relationship would come crashing down. Like an ancient stone abode built by hand, but after centuries of love, war, death and well, age. That’s right, I’m comparing a 9-month old relationship with my second cousin to basically any structure in what was the magnificent Pompeii. I’m 14. That’s what I do. Dramatize holy crapoly!. 

To extend on that point I made, about her looking somewhat, distraught or maybe distracted by something, god forbid someone, well, my first instinct was to help. I wanted to help her. Hold her. Console her. She always has this look, and I love it. I think I understand now, that it’s most likely the way she acts. It’s an unconscious habit for her. It doesn’t turn me off in the least.

Her entire persona, by the way, hand in hand blends with mine. We’ve texted nearly every second of every day since that last time we met, when I was on Christmas break, at their house in Fl. I didn’t get to hold her, yet every time we say goodbye to each other, she hugs me. SHE hugs ME. I don’t even offer a hug, reason being, if I do, chances are, I’m gonna ask her to marry me. Her hugs feel amazing, yet, totally off-putting. What if it’s because she likes me too? Yay...? Then again, we live like 8,000 miles apart, and when either of us goes away, we go away. For like a couple months. So it’s likely, the hugging could be just a friendly gesture of saying goodbye. Which, without a doubt, sucks.

 

So we text a lot. We hang out a lot. How do I approach her? ( if I should) See, I’m a afraid she could find a relationship with someone else soon, if I don’t act fast. While she’s single, while she’s young, I want to tell her how I feel. I wish to have my first kiss with her. On sexual terms, maybe even lose our virginities to one another. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Please, help. I need someone to talk to about this.

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Honestly, just tell her how you feel. You will regret it if you don't act on your feelings.

Most teenagers or even some people in their twenties get into relationships to explore their sexuality or even for appearances.

Cousin love is one of the most intense feelings you can have. If you believe in Christianity, The Bible is also against incest relationships but it does not list cousins.

I'm posting in this thread passionately because I feel like I can relate to your story pretty well. I told my second cousin I loved her when I was 17 and she was 18. Unfortunately she said I was like a brother to her and got into a relationship with another guy two weeks later. I was devastated at both instances, but I was glad to have gotten my romantic feelings off my shoulders, and I'm glad that I did so after all these years later. She also lives in another state than I do.

Since I'm 25 now, I have a lot more wisdom and experience than I did 8 years ago. I've had crushes on girls in the past, but looking back, I only truly loved one woman, and that was my second cousin. I never give up hope that there might be more, but I also know that now it's in her hands whether she falls for me or not, not mine.

So yeah, make sure to act on your feelings, because if you don't, you'll always be left wondering if there can ever be more for you two. Best of luck.

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Thanks for responding, I really appreciate it. I do want to tell her, I really do. But I think my parents might be against that, and maybe her parents. And she’ll probably get scared and tell them something.

I don’t know, it feels like I definitely do love her, but I think I’d feel better if she remains just my cousin my entire life than probably shut me out of her life because she might get upset if I do tell her and she really doesn’t like me.

Trust me, I really do think that telling her I love her is a very good idea, it’s just that I don’t how she’ll react if she doesn’t think of me the same way. I mean, it’s not like she can just say some random guy tried to flirt with her, it’s her second cousin, and yeah, while I acknowledge the fact that second cousins are practically unrelated, our families most likely won’t treat it that way. 

And that’d be so much embarrassment for the both of us. If she does think of me the same way though, and we start an intimate relationship, I have no problem telling our parents. But if they hear that at 14 years old, I tried to flirt with my second cousin, well to be honest, I do t quite know what they’ll do.

Her parents by the way, are Muslim, and traditional Muslims actually married their cousins, so their is a chance that they’re accepting of it. But I really do feel trapped. 

You really think I should just go for it? 

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Hi Dovey, welcome to cc. I'm going to tell you a true story. Please bear with me.

I met my second cousin when I was 13 and he was 15. We didn't live in the same city, but the same state (USA).

We hit it off right away. Always knew we had something different than just "cousins", but didin't know what it was.  We wrote letters ( yes, we are that old!), 

and kept in touch that way. Only saw each other a few times after that first meeting. He told me he asked me to marry him when I was

17, I didn't remember, but he told me I told him NO!  Not because I particularly had anything against cousin couples ,but I was still in high school and

wasn't interested in marrying anyone. Having too much fun, like school age girls do!

Life went on for us, we both  got married to others, more than once to be honest, and had families. We even got our families together

when at one time we lived in the same state. NO hanky panky or anything went on.  But we always kept up with each other through our respective

parents that were first cousins.  We reconnected 38 years later when both were once again single.  We have now been married for over 15 years.

 

All this to say, I think your best option at this age and time would be to build a friendship with her. Not a relationship.  She is young as are you. You are 

both going to grow and change and meet different people before you are ready for  any serious relationship, whether it is with each other or someone else.

 

I am not trying to discourage you, but I am trying to show you that at your ages you both will go through changes and growing pains.

There will be boyfriends and girlfriends, maybe wives, husbands and children. But  If this is meant to be it will. But you also have to be open to the

fact that it may not be in the stars for the two of you. 

 

Work on the friendship, don't bare your soul to her and for now enjoy your times together.

And I DO NOT think it is a good idea to just go for it at this time. Wait, wait, and wait some more.

Give both of you time to grow, mature and live life as teens should.

 

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Thanks you so much! 

I would love to calm down and wait, but it’s  just that I really think I have something for her, like really do. I’m really sure that I like her more than I’ve liked anyone before. I literally chant her name every night, I go to sleep with pictures of her at my side, talk to her in my mind all through the day, and since we’ve met, there hasn’t been 1 second of 1 day that I haven’t thought of her. No joke. 

I think I might just play it cool for now, but maybe try, at least try to somehow subliminally show her i have feelings for her. I write poems, and songs etc. I can show her through those maybe. She always compliments them and says they’re beautiful. I’m definitely gonna try my best to get closer to her, I’ll never allow myself to lose her. Sorry, haha I just realllyyyy like her (most likely love her) and I soo want this. But I won’t go in too fast, as you stated. 

I look forward to more advice lol!                      You guys on CC are really helpful and insightful to this stuff. I love the fact that there’s an entire community of more people like me. I love you all. ❤️

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Dovey,

Romalee is right!  I know it is hard but building a strong friendship is the best idea for now.  Patience is a hard, hard lesson at any time but especially when you are young.  And if you check my profile - the age listed is how long I've been on site - I'm a bit older than that!! LOL  

HUGS

Nat

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