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I am in a relationship with my 1st cousin once removed, My mum is his 1st cousin. We are very much in love and happy. This was not planned and has a been a big surprise to both of us, although he has always been my perfect guy. We hardly saw each other and were not close with his side of the family. We are in our 40’s both with children.  He is going through a divorce with his narcissistic ex wife (who left him for another man and living with that man) and has two grown up children, 23 and 20. Both live away from home. We have been together a year.

His two adult children gave the ultimatum of “We will never speak to you again if you carry on with this relationship”, “you will never meet the grandchildren” Initially he said fine and went three days no contact but it didn’t last. Then he finished it with me for five days which didn’t last and we decided to carry on in secret.

All the rest of our family and friends have no problem including my 14 and 19 yr old.  They are happy we have found each other and wish us all the best. We have an amazing life planned together.

Unfortunately the two most important people in my partners life hate the idea. Call it embarrassing, incest, totally wrong and sick. It seems to me they only want him to be happy on their terms and also their heavily influential narc mother, who disowned her own father because he met and married a woman she didn’t like (never spoke to him again)  

we are curious as to other people’s experiences with their adult children. What happened? Did they change their minds? How do we do this? Will it calm down after the divorce? When did you tell them? How long did the threats of disowning last? Help. Thank you 😁

Edited by Kate12
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I'm sorry you're going through this.  However, the waters have been muddied because you got involved with a married man.  Separated or not, going through a divorce or not, he is still married and adult children are much more aware of this dynamic than even teenage children,

You need to back way away from this man right now.  Let him take care of business with his wife (even if she behaving horribly).  Once the divorce is final AND things have calmed down with his children, then maybe the two of you can start again.

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The divorce may be influencing the children's reaction.  If his wife is narcissistic, or not, she may be doing some parent-alienation and telling the kids how terrible the father is, and she might do that no matter who he was involved with.  They may well disown the father until they want some money, and then they might try to guilt him to get it.  

I think the family dynamics here is a bigger force in this situation than the cousin-romance.  The father might want to talk to a therapist about how to handle this situation.

Certainly a cousin-romance makes the situation worse, but I have a sneaking suspicion that things wouldn't be too much different, if he was not with his cousin.

Best of luck.

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8 hours ago, Ambra_Flows said:

The divorce may be influencing the children's reaction.  If his wife is narcissistic, or not, she may be doing some parent-alienation and telling the kids how terrible the father is, and she might do that no matter who he was involved with.  They may well disown the father until they want some money, and then they might try to guilt him to get it.  

I think the family dynamics here is a bigger force in this situation than the cousin-romance.  The father might want to talk to a therapist about how to handle this situation.

Certainly a cousin-romance makes the situation worse, but I have a sneaking suspicion that things wouldn't be too much different, if he was not with his cousin.

Best of luck.

Thanks. How can we resolve this? Tell them and let time heal it? Let them know the doors always open and they are loved but if they want to disown their dad, well that’s ok too? Or something else? 

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14 hours ago, Serendipity said:

I'm sorry you're going through this.  However, the waters have been muddied because you got involved with a married man.  Separated or not, going through a divorce or not, he is still married and adult children are much more aware of this dynamic than even teenage children,

You need to back way away from this man right now.  Let him take care of business with his wife (even if she behaving horribly).  Once the divorce is final AND things have calmed down with his children, then maybe the two of you can start again.

Thank you. Their mother has already been living with another man for a year and a half. They are fine with that so there is no reason their dad can’t date. They claim the issue is we are partially related and any other women would be ok. Although they have to be a certain age and job for them to allow it.  

Edited by Kate12

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It sounds to me like this is actually blackmail.  Win a lottery jackpot and see how they talk THEN!!

They have NO right to control you lives.

Hang in there and good luck!

HUGS

Nat

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1 hour ago, Nattana said:

It sounds to me like this is actually blackmail.  Win a lottery jackpot and see how they talk THEN!!

They have NO right to control you lives.

Hang in there and good luck!

HUGS

Nat

Thank you. How do we react to being blackmailed? 

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Look up the definition of "emotional blackmail" which is what is happening to you. there is a lot of advice on how to recognize it and how to handle it.

Good luck.

HUGS

Nat

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On 6/8/2019 at 3:36 AM, Kate12 said:

Thanks. How can we resolve this? Tell them and let time heal it? Let them know the doors always open and they are loved but if they want to disown their dad, well that’s ok too? Or something else? 

My answer was in the post that you responded to.  There are no simple solutions to a case like this. 

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