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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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In Love With My Second Cousin....But...

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So about 1 year ago, I went to a funeral for my Father's cousin. They grew up together like best friends instead of cousins. At that very funeral I met someone very important to me. I met my future boyfriend. After the funeral visitation , by mother suggested I sent my (second) cousin a friend request on Facebook and also message him my number for support. One thing lead to another and we both had eachothers numbers. We talked casually for a month or so, he kept saying how beautiful he thought I was and how he was jealous of any guy who had dated me. I was obviously creeped out at first and slowly stopped talking to him for a few months. BUT A few months later he came to my house for my father's birthday party. We hadn't talked in forever and It was summer time...so we both saw eachother in bathing suits. Physically attraction caught us both at first. We both knew eachother personalities...there was nothing else to leave. Hours later I wound up taking a chance and kissed him slyly on the couch when we were alone inside. FROM THERE ON....We Started Dating!

The past 1/2 year has been insane. We are both very passionate about one another. He is 17 and I am 16. Our only downside is we have had to lie the past 6 months to get to see eachother. My father one time thought we were together (which we were/are) and rambled on saying how horrible cousin marriage/dating is. Both of us have been so scared to tell my parents we are dating because we know they would banish me from seeing him. Neither of my parents seem supportive.

When should we tell them? HOW should I tell them?

Much help is needed :(

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Guest wanderer882

It's tough when you're that age and you still have to obey your parents rules. I think the best thing for you guys to do is to get educated and focus on becoming the adults you want to be. Maybe in a few years if your parents see you guys grow into mature adults with careers and good heads on your shoulders,  they will realize this is not just some crazy teenage thing and that you guys really care about each other. I know at your age people try to make you feel like your feelings aren't real but that isn't true. You just have so much growing to do so try and be patient with yourself and this relationship. Keep supporting each other as well as following your own goals and if it is meant to be it will be. I keep having to remind myself of that. Good luck to you!

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Yeah I agree with what wanderer said. But take comfort in the fact that you guys still have each other and you know he loves you. If you guys are truly in love with each other, you both will get by the obstacles in your life to be together one day.

Good Luck!

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Listen Up classycarlee - You may or may not have yourself in a pickle here.  The longer you sneak around seeing your cousin, the more tension you will cause in your family.  I don't know how you have been able to secretly date someone for 6 months and not have your parents find out - are they completely clueless?  not checking up on who you are with?  But I promise, if you continue on there will be a big explosion from your parents.  Maybe because of the cousin thing, but mostly because you have been dishonest with them for soooo long!  And have no doubt, your parents WILL find out.

The two of you have a choice to make:

1.  You can continue down this secretive path and  find yourself paying hell down the road. or

2.  Tell your parents that you have met someone wonderful.  A guy who is good and kind to you.  When they ask who it is, be honest with them. 

Before you tell them, arm yourself with some information - there's a lot of great info on this website!  I don't know that their specific objection to cousin relationships might be, but make sure the info you gather together addresses whatever objections you think may be presented.  Be calm when you talk to them.  Whatever you do, do not scream and cry and cause a scene.  You want your folks to see that you are a rational, mature young lady.

Perhaps your parents will surprise you and not be as against this relationship as you think.  Maybe Mom will be able to calm down Dad.  Maybe they will both be appalled by the whole idea.  The fact is, you don't really know until you tell them.

If they are completely against the two of you dating, then you must put the brakes on your relationship.  Perhaps your parents will come around after a time - maybe they won't.  Is this fair?  No.  But, you are a minor child living in their house and you must obey their rules.  I know it will seem like an eternity before the two of you will be able to see each other and date again, but the time will pass quicker than you think until you are adults living on your own and making your own decisions.

No matter what happens in this scenario, it is important that you and your cousin continue your education and make yourselves indispensable in today's economy.  Finish high school and then go to college or vocational school to get the skills you need to make a good living.

Please keep us updated on how things go.

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