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Cousin I have feelings for has a boyfriend

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Hello, I posted on here couple months back. You don't need to read anything in old thread as it's a new situation now.

My 1st cousin (F) and I (M) are in late-20s and known each other most of our lives. I felt some connection with her since first time we met as kids. We got close for couple years, then drifted apart in teenage years rarely talking or even looking at each other. My feelings were there but dormant then in our 20s, we began talking again and getting close over past year or 2. We got closer and my feelings became deeper. Things just took a twist.

Last week, she randomly sent me 2 snaps with one snap of her at a restaurant dining table with a guy. I ignored it initially not thinking anything of it then I began wondering. I opened up snap again a hour later to look closely, suddenly feeling sad and brokenhearted when I noticed the two were there alone in a romantic decor. I know, I know - I'm not 'with with' her so why should I expect anything different? I am severely introverted & socially a mess, but I was finally opening up to her (she was first person I ever opened up to but she never opened up to me). I had begun maintaining eye contact with her for entire conversations and we smiled at each other nonstop. My confidence was soaring & she made me a better person. But based on this snap, it seems she doesn't want me in that way. She was talking softly with me, smiling widely, standing close and constant eye contact, but I may have misunderstood everything or she was flirting for attention from me or she does have feelings for me but can't accept them. I just hope it doesn't cause me to return back into my shell.

We met several days earlier before the snap, she looked beautiful and it was hard to get my eyes off her. We kept smiling at each other when we talked, and I kept looking at her, secretly studying her face when she wasn't looking. Her breasts seemed to be free and larger/swollen than usual so I kept sneaking in peeks there (probably that time in her cycle). Her hair was in a nice ponytail that made her look younger. She smelled so nice. She was happy, smiling & joking with everyone. I was intoxicated by everything about her. Then on her way out, we looked in each other's eyes for a full second just to say 'bye' - my chest skipped a beat when I saw her eyes were smiling in earnest joy. I felt happy too! Then this snap happened. I'm wondering if she realized what was happening between us and sent that snap to let me know to back off or if I'm imagining things. It could have been a mistake snap certainly not meant for me but her friends.

Anyways, she either inadvertently or intentionally snapped me that clip with her and her bf so I now know she is with someone. It was only a 3 second clip, but it took my breath away & I felt down all week. She had never told me about her bf and I don't think she knows I know.

She came by a day after the snap. I was heartbroken and couldn't smile or look her in the eyes for our conversation. She asked me several times if everything was okay, but what could I possibly say? I was so sad being a foot away from her a day after finding out she is with someone. I certainly couldn't tell her the truth about why I was sad. I lied to her saying I was just tired. She left my room once she realized she was not going to get anything from me.

I have ghosted her over last week since and also over few weeks, I haven't texted her. It's not like she ever initiates texts.


1) I am starting to get over the heartbroken feeling after 5 days, but I am not over it. I don't think I can look her in the eyes or genuinely smile at her again. She will take one good look at me and know something is wrong when she notes I am behaving different around her. I am scrambling trying to figure out how to act or respond when she notices something is off and asks what's wrong. I can't tell her the truth, but I also can't lie to her face without her knowing. How do I hide my feelings and sadness from her? I am TERRIBLE at lying and acting, and I also don't have the guts to be honest about my feelings. I am able to be honest with her about anything but that.

2) Now I am going a bit into weird land. When she says to my siblings she is going here or staying overnight there, I get some crazy thoughts. I automatically start thinking she must be staying with her bf, and they must be doing nasty things together. I automatically picture them doing "things" together in my mind, and I even think about how much fun she must be having staying up all night screaming & moaning with him (I can't help it). I think about being there myself with her. These are some scary disgusting thoughts I. can't. get. out. of. my. head. This is the beginnings of jealousy, and that annoys me. I am not the jealous type and never was. I am so confused about what's happening- I was always calm, relaxed and smooth but I guess she is driving me crazy.

What suggestions do you have? I think my best move is to forget her, but I don't know how. We have a lot of similarities and I feel happy around her, but now I also feel brokenhearted. She will be visiting often so I don't have the choice of avoiding her. I am afraid I might be rude to her when she comes by to talk/visit, which is not my nature but I don't know. I like being around her since she makes me so happy, but how can I be friends after so much happened? I can't tell if she knows or even suspects anything.

edit: removed some needless info

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  • 7 months later...

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