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Rob780

We both have feelings but shes worried about backlash.. help

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Hi all..

I've been sat for an hour reading all posts and stories etc and it's made me want to ask for help and advice..

I'm seeing my 3rd cousin. It all started as she split up with her bf and I wanted to be there for her to help her and make sure shes happy. But then eventually the feelings came for both of us and we started seeing each other nearly everyday. It was great and I've never felt so happy. I mean she just walks in and I instantly cant stop smiling! Everything she does makes me smile. From the way she talks to the ways she looks and the way she smiles with her dimples, most importantly the way she is and who she is. 

But I've recently started working a lot due to it being high season where I am,  so we dont get to see each other as much. We both still made the effort and the time to see each other as and when we could though. But now all of a sudden shes started backing of and worrying about people finding out that were cousins and what crap we may or may not get.

I've told her I ain't bothered as long as she is happy but that doesnt change anything. All I care about is the things family and close friends will say but her parents and mine no something is happening as they keep dropping hints waiting for us to admit it. But they havent once warned us off or tried to stop it etc. Which leads me to believe they wont be bothered about it. 

Were from the UK shes 20 and I'm 28.. 

Any help would be great. I just want to show her that we dont know what will happen in the future until we get there. It could be good it could be bad or it could be great. (Peoples reactions)

What can I do? 

Thanks 

 

Edited by Rob780

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Rob:

As far as I know, there are no restrictions in the UK for First Cousins so there should be no problem with a Third Cousin.

My best advice to you is to show her this site.  She may have encountered some ignorance or prejudice from another source.

We'll be here to encourage both of you.

HUGS

Nat

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Hi nat

I've told her about this site already. She understands and agrees that's theres nothing wrong with it and that it's perfectly legal, but she's worried that friends and family may hate her or look at her differently. 

I just dont know what to do, we never planned for this is just happened and now we not talking as we were, I'm starting to realise I've fallen for her more than I thought.

I know my parents and grand parents will be happy for me. I also believe her parents would be as well as they constantly drop hints to her and asking 'are you and rob going out' but they havent once tried to stop her or warn her away from me. I just want her to sit down with her parents and ask them hypothetically so she can see what I believe the answer will be and that shes worrying for nothing.

It's hard cause her ex bf wants her back and he's trying to cause holy crapoly! for her which doesnt make it easy. But that's where I want to be able to help her and stop her from worrying.

???

Rob

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Rob

It sounds like her ex is a bully and I know a "cure" for bullies.  It's a book called NASTY PEOPLE, HOW TO STOP BEING HURT BY THEM  WITHOUT STOOPING TO THEIR LEVEL by Dr. Jay Carter.  You can download it from Amazon.  It works in a positive way.  I know because I used it to change my thinking and I'm having a great life.

Be sure she reads it also.  It really works!

HUGS

Nat

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Her ex is/was a bully. And he believes he can still control her! Everytime I speak to her about it she says he doesnt get a say anymore and she doesnt care what he thinks anymore etc. But the other night I was at hers and she got a text of him asking who the new bloke is shes seeing. And then started calling her a slag and hoe.. 

Shes afraid that he'll go round telling everyone and that people will give her a lot of crap for us being together. Everything was fine and great up until that text of him then all of a sudden she started going distant and cancelled coming to mine even though she knew I turned down extra shift at work so I could spend some time with her. 

Whenever I ask her to talk to me, tell me what's wrong and let's sort it together she just closes up and constantly says she needs space her head is all over the place. Then i give her space and dont message her and then she starts messaging me asking what's wrong with me. I'm great at giving advice to friends in relationships but dont have a clue for myself.

I want to be with this girl but want to take things slow until we are both ready as we both have had bad pasts. We enjoy each others company and constantly make each other laugh and smile. Surely that's what should matter? but at the same time I dont want to sit around feeling like I dont know where I stand.

I was happy being single after coming out of a long relationship but then she just came out of nowhere and changed everything. Made me feel a happy that I've never felt before, my heart races when I'm with her. I feel safe and secure when we cuddle. I just dont know what to do ? I want to be with her but at the same time want her to actually tell me what she wants and what shes worried about so much so I can help.

I'm going to see her mother tomorrow so I will see if her mother starts asking questions. 

Rob 

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On 7/24/2019 at 9:29 AM, Rob780 said:

I want to be with this girl but want to take things slow until we are both ready as we both have had bad pasts.

Exactly. And do you know what's the good news, Rob? You are the guy!

You are the driver of this relationship. Steer it to the direction you want to man. If this girl does not add value to your life (and of course synergelistically both of your lives), you need to drop her man.

Be willing to walk away...! As you said,

On 7/24/2019 at 9:29 AM, Rob780 said:

I was happy being single after coming out of a long relationship

Dont you miss this, bro? No setbacks. Everything is plain, predictable, calm, serene, smooth...? There is not much fluctuation in your mood? Pretty much you are caring for more valuable things (rather than a girl's feelings! Not to mention her ex that comes outta nowhere!) Such as the meaning of life, pondering your value on this earth and your contribution to civilization...?

Maaan, these are way more important stuff man..

 

Pooch

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Hi pooch 

I understand what your saying. Yes in 1 sense I enjoyed being single and just being me for the 1st time since I was 16. But at the same time when my cousin came along we never planned any of this or even wanted it, it just happened. I mean she knows how to cheer me up when I'm in a mood, she knows my strengths and weaknesses just from a short time with each other. She literally makes me smile for no reason. 

I've never had this feeling before and I been in some relationships (longest 8years) she literally gives me butterflies just by walking in the room or smiling.

I care about her a lot and at the least I want to make sure her ex doesnt give her anymore crap! I just want her to be happy that's all.

All I want is for her to talk to me, tell me what's wrong so I can help. She says she needs space to sort her head out etc, but when I give her that space she's then messaging me or ringing me because I'm not talking. 

Our family defo isn't the issue as I've spoke to them today and they all know something is going off but are waiting for us to tell them. I replied "what would u think if we were?" And they all said "we're happy as long as you 2 are happy and dont hurt each other" 

I want them to tell her that so she realises that they are happy for her cause then it might stop her worrying about what people will think.

Like I say I dont want to rush things I just want to take each day as it comes and see what happens.

Rob

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Also to add I've told her today that we need to talk in person. I'm just going to tell her straight that I need to know where I stand we are either seeing how things go or we are just friends. I dont want to lose her altogether.

But she just keeps telling me to tell her what I want to say via text. I dont believe that's fair on either of us though as text can be misinterpreted. Because I refuse to say via text she now thinks I'm playing games. 

Am I wrong for wanting to speak in person? Or am I right? 

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Rob780,

It sounds like she's still being controlled by her ex-boyfriend.  She needs to completely let go of him, and perhaps get counselling on understanding abuse and what she can do to get rid of it.  A women's shelter's outreach program would be good for that.  She seems overly-worried about the 3rd cousin thing, so perhaps she has a strong desire to people-please.

In the end, she has to decide if her life will be better with you, or without you.  She has to decide whose in charge of her life, her ex-, her fears, or herself.  But pressuring her into these decisions will probably just make things worse.  If she will get counselling, that will help.

Ambra

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Hi ambra 

She came to mine last night and we finally was able to have a chat. Her biggest worry is getting hurt because that's all her ex ever did was hurt her. She says she needs to sort her head out and have a but of space. Which I understand and completely agree with. 

The thing she doewnt realise is she keeps making all these promises but doesnt stick to them and let's me down.

I've told her to have the space, sort her head out and get back to me when shes decided what she wants. But I ain't waiting around forever as it hurts me just as much! 

I am not trying to rush her as we both have had bad pasts but right now it just seems like shes playing games and that's not something I do. Will give it a couple of weeks or month and go from there. Any longer and I'm done as it hurts too much.

Rob

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49 minutes ago, Rob780 said:

But I ain't waiting around forever as it hurts me just as much! 

Dude, this may take even a year so she can reallt heal from wounds. You just cannot rush her.

In the meantime, you gotta prepare yourself for the both of you. Ya know? If you choose her, ya got the girl already.. sooo everything should be alright, you just have to wait...

If you can step back a little bit and not be in contact with her as frequent as you guys are doing now, I think that will help. Notch it down a bit, man. ?

 

Pooch

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Yeah I have done I leave her to contact me when she wants to now. Maybe your right I dont know anymore. Like I say I just want her to be happy whether that's with me or not. I just want her to not be controlled by him anymore that's all. I've told her to go away to her dads for the week or weekend. Get away from here and clear her head.

I guess we will see what happens ?‍♂️

Rob

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4 hours ago, Rob780 said:

Yeah I have done I leave her to contact me when she wants to now. Maybe your right I dont know anymore. Like I say I just want her to be happy whether that's with me or not. I just want her to not be controlled by him anymore that's all. I've told her to go away to her dads for the week or weekend. Get away from here and clear her head.

I guess we will see what happens ?‍♂️

Rob

Yup.. i think thats a good idea.

Hey I just remembered myself when I was in my early 20s. I had it going with a girl (a coworker) who had same issue -- an ex bothering her and a seemingly chronic on and off thinggy with her. Pretty much not both sides are done..

I dont want to be in the middle of that thing and the girl is basically going towards my direction..sometimes even being super clingy.  You know what I did? I friendzoned the girl....then eventually i have to look for other opportunities elsewhere..

Lesson learned: be willing to walk away when there's still some stuff needing to be ironed out, some baggages that needs sorting and until emotionally ready. Until then, just enjoy her company and be friends.. ?

 

Pooch

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The baggage's etc dont bother me one bit. I've had just as a bad past as her, so I know where shes coming from. I can deal with baggages without a problem.

She definitely doesnt want to be with her ex anymore i know that for a fact, so that's not a problem. It's just him trying to stop her from moving on even though he already has! He doesnt bother me cause I can deal with him if it comes to it.

I guess your right though ? shes going to her dads tomorrow for a couple of days, I guess we will see what happens after. I'll just take each day as it comes now. But I've took your advise and I only message her when she messages me now. If also told her that if she wants to talk she knows where I am but I'm not going to keep chasing and that theres only so long I'll wait. 

I guess time will tell now ?‍♂️

Rob

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I understand your wanting a "sort of" time line for her to make a decision.

I also understand you not wanting to be left in waiting mode indefinitely.

HOWEVER, my cousin and I met when I was 13 and he was 15. To make a long story short,

it was 38 years before we got together. Both married others, more than once, had families and

even our families visited each other once.  We kept up with each other through our parents for years.

It wasn't until we were both single in our 50's that we reconnected and the rest is history.

I know that sounds like forever and who knows if it would even happen for you, but our expectations of 

timelines are not always what happens.

Best wishes on your journey.

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I havent really got a timeline. Like I say I dont want to rush things and I'll still be here for her no matter what happens. I just need to know whether I'm chasing a lost cause or not that's all.

I dont think she will ever sort her head out cause shes the type of girl that holds everything in and tries to do it all alone, until the moment she can't hold it in any more. 

I think for me right now my main concern is making sure she doesn't let her ex control her life still. If I can help with this and show her that hes not her boss anymore then it'll be a start. Any kind of relationship etc can wait I'm in no rush for that. But I can only help the girl if she let's me, so we shall see I suppose. 

Rob

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