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Cleaning out my closet

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Hello all! Newbie here. Just for the record I have read almost every single thread and its so awesome to see not one person judge another. Ive read some really far stories that seem to blend the line of fact and fantasy but still not one judgmental remark, so please dont start with me lol. A lot of stories are similar while some are extremely original. Either way, Ive enjoyed them all. Now its time for me to tell my story. I imagine its gonna be a long one so grab some popcorn and your favorite beverage and lets dive in shall we??

To start with, Im 33 engaged man living on the East coast of the United States. Never married, no kids. Just an ordinary man living an ordinary life. The cousin that I will be speaking about ... well... I dont know a whole lot about. I can tell you that she is my moms sisters daughter and thats really about it. Flashback to 1986-1989 where my mother spent most of her time in some sort of hazy life of drug abuse and alcoholism. My extremely wonder dad finally had enough of her holy crapoly! so he packed my sister and I up and off to grandmas(dads mom) we go! And from that time, we've had very little to do with the "other side" of the family.. Which is why I dont really know my cousin. Dad worked a full time job, my grandpa worked a full time job and my grandma worked when she could but for the most part she stayed home and took care of home things. My sister is a little older than me and in school so me and my grandma spent a lot of time together. Its a different time now than it was in the early 90s . Theres things you cant do with kids now that were probably ok then. and if they werent ok, I didnt know or didnt care. But I can remember my grandma giving me baths and an occasional shower together when I was around 5-7 years old. I never thought anything of it. To me it was just how it was. At the time my grandma was a beautiful woman in her early 40s and She was the first woman I seen nude.. and as strange as it may sound.. it was a beautiful sight and still to this day I have "preferences" bc of the things that I liked about her body. I wont go into detail bc I know admins dont like that :)

I can remember one time, we were home alone and she was laying on the couch and I was standing beside her and the next thing I knew she was completely topless. Bare breasted. She put lotion in my hands and had me rub lotion on her. I liked it. I REALLY liked it and I think she did too but I dont think anything like that ever happened again. I know some would consider that some sort of child abuse, but I simply dont see it that way and never will. But youre probably wondering why Im talking about my grandma and not my cousin... Im talking about my grandma bc I believe thats where it all started for me. 

On days my grandma would work and I didnt go to school bc I was sick or whatever, my grandmothers sister would watch me. What a gorgeous woman she was. I know it seems strange to me that even at a young age, I had a sexual desire. Maybe I didnt know what to do but I knew I liked things. I remember sneaking into my aunts bathroom while she was in the shower or bath to try to catch a peak. Sometimes I was successful and would catch a full frontal shot before getting caught. And I liked it.. I liked it A LOT.

As I got a little older obviously the showers and baths with my grandma stopped but Ive never forgotten it. Then as a boy turning into a teenager, I started using those memories to masturbate. It was almost every single time. I used to go out to my aunts house and sit there with imagination running wild thinking about her naked soaking wet body that I seen not too many years before and wanted so bad to tell her how much I wanted her right then and there. I came close a couple times but ended up chickening. One time she was sitting in her chair with her hand down her pants and I could see her hand moving rhythmically. Was she masturbating?? I dont know. But I knew I wanted her. These thoughts about my grandmother and aunt finally started to dwindle about the time I turned 16 and now its all just a memory. 

Enter cousin "Amanda"

As I stated before, I know nothing about her. I know her name, I know what city she lives in and thats it. We've spent very little time around each other and most of that time was when I was roughly 7-12 years old. I dont know if we got a long or fought like cats and dogs. The one and only time Ive seen her as an adult was around the time of my moms funeral about 10 years ago.  I remember seeing her and thinking how beautiful she was. She still is! I dont know how old she is but I believe she is about 38-40. So back then she wouldve roughly been 30. I was so nervous. Partly bc Im around a bunch of people that "love" me and I dont know who the hell they are and partly bc the most beautiful girl Ive ever seen is standing next to me. And now.... I want her. At hospice with my mom taking what would be her lasts breaths on this earth and all I can think about is "I want her now." So im a pretty much the shy quiet type so you know I didnt say anything. Just tried to fight the arousal. 

Several years later she sends me a friend request on fb and naturally I accept. We dont and never have gotten into any real chit chat whatsoever. She lives at the beach and I live in the mountains so shes asked me to come visit and that I can stay with her and yada yada yada but I never went.... Until now. Next week I am going to be in her town. In her presence. I know from what Ive read on here people get a little agitated when its just physical attraction and they just want to get into bed.. But thats what it is. Its 100% a physical and sexual attraction. I cant hardly look at her pics on fb without getting turned on and start fantasizing about staying with her and maybe weve had a few drinks and we start to open up to one another about our attraction to one another and one thing leads to another and another and another. I want her near me, on me... it dont matter. I just want her bad. Im worried this is one of those things that dont go away until you get what you want and I will never tell her my secret. My hopes in this little vacation is that she'll ask me to come back and stay with her. Im not staying with her this time since im not going alone. But maybe she'll throw another invitation out there.  I would like to see how that stay would work out. Sometimes I feel like If i could just hold her it would soothe the ache, but sometimes I believe it would only stoke the fire. Im gonna try to spend at least a little alone time with her next week but I imagine it wont be much due to her work schedule. I didnt write this for advice or anything like that but please feel free to jump on in.. just telling my story. It feels good to get it off my chest. If you made this far, thank you for your attention! 


Edited by Topsy Kretts
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